Sunday, 08 November 2009

• Formula-Feeding Lactivist?

  

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  I consider myself a hardcore Lactivist, and yet I am formula-feeding my son.  If I’m supposed to ‘lead by example’, I’m screwed.

  Last Friday night I was hit with a reality I didn’t see coming, though I should have known it was a possibility. I wasn’t able to feed my 7-week-old son.  We’ve been exclusively breastfeeding since the day he was born, and suddenly I couldn’t even squeeze out a few drops of milk for his bedtime feeding.  I felt inadequate.  Desperate.  Very sad.  And I felt like I failed him.

  I’ve always felt that breastfeeding is best for baby when it’s possible.  The antibodies, nutrients and benefits of breast-milk far outweigh any other method.  Not to mention the potent bonding opportunities for both baby and mom.  I realize women make the decision to forgo breastfeeding in the name of formula for a number of reasons, and that’s fine.  But I was excited and happy to be a breastfeeding mother.

  I had brain surgery last year on September 11 to remove a tumor from my pituitary gland.  My chance of becoming pregnant prior to surgery was 0% because my Estrogen level was nil.  Post-surgery, my Endocrinologist gave me a .001% chance of becoming pregnant within the first year or two depending on my hormone recovery, if it ever recovered.  Well, it took one try two months after surgery for us to conceive.  That was a true blessing.

  I didn’t worry too much throughout my pregnancy in order to keep my stress levels in check, but in the back of my mind I wondered how my damaged pituitary gland would handle my hormones.  Aside from elevated blood pressure, my pregnancy was rather textbook.  The only time I truly became nervous was when 40 weeks came and went, and still no signs of labor.  The last thing I wanted was to can my planned home-birth in order to have a hospital induction full of drugs and stress.  Finally at 42 weeks and 1 day, I went into labor on my own.  16 hours later, Aaron Patriot was born – all natural at home, just as we planned.  It was the most beautiful moment, made even more special by knowing we defied the odds.

  My milk came in a day and a half later, much to my delight.  Life was good for all of us.  Aaron successfully gained weight and despite severe acid reflux, gas and projectile vomiting, he was thriving.

  I know it takes time for milk supply to work itself out, but when a mom knows something is wrong, she knows.  About three weeks ago, I noticed I would do really good with the breastfeeding for a day or two, and then suddenly have a string of days where it felt like there was no milk.  I sought the help of others – my midwife and family members.  I asked questions, had my latch checked.  I was assured repeatedly that this was ‘normal’ and that it takes awhile for milk supply to stabilize.  I wanted to believe them.

  The days when I felt like I didn’t have enough milk were horrible.  It was painful for me physically.  Not in the nipples, but much higher up and deeper, like he was trying to suck out milk that didn’t exist.  Even worse, Aaron was very fussy and angry.  He hardly slept.  He just cried and sucked in vain, trying to get a meal.  The nights were longer because of frequent waking, the days were longer with little to no nap-time.  Nothing I did comforted him.  Going to the breast just seemed to frustrate him more.  But I tried to stick it out.  I fed him around the clock and tried to increase my milk supply, which didn’t seem to do much.  Doing a yield brought out barely an ounce last week.

  Then last Wednesday, everything changed.  I noticed late in the evening that my right breast was larger than usual – tight and overly full with milk.  I thought maybe it was playing ‘catch up’ from the nursing and hand expressing I did the day before.  But I noticed a knot of tenderness in my underarm near the breast.  After dinner at a friend’s house, I went to check on Aaron who was fussing in their guest room.  I laid down on the bed to comfort him, and instantly I felt terrible.  I usually sweat in their home, but suddenly I had chills and I couldn’t get warm.  My head and ear started pounding.  I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what it was.

  We got home and found I had a 101.8 fever.  I called my midwife and we determined it was probably Mastitis.  I began taking Vitamin C and nursed often on the infected side.  My fever peaked at 103 degrees around 3 a.m.  I felt terrible and scared that I would have to take care of a newborn the next day in this condition.  By 9 a.m. though, the fever subsided and the breast felt better.

  However, my milk supply over the next two days diminished.  I thought maybe my body was just trying to recover from the fever and quick illness, but it just kept declining.  By Friday night when it was time to feed Aaron and put him to bed, there was nothing to feed him.  He’d been trying all day, and still nothing.  I had two bags of frozen milk I’d managed to express over time, so I thawed them and used them to feed him.  I had never given him a bottle, and I could only hope one of the bottles I’d received as a shower gift would work.

  It only took two tries to find a bottle he would take.  He was so hungry, his eyes grew bigger and bigger as he sucked the milk down.  My next dilemma was trying to figure out what to do beyond his 11 p.m. feeding.  I wearily eyed the can of Enfamil formula I’d received in the mail as a sample.  It had been sitting on the television stand, as I’d planned to donate it to a food bank.  I knew I didn’t have any other option, at least not that night.

  He took the formula.  It was the hardest thing I feel I’ve had to do as a parent so far.  It felt so foreign giving my little boy a bottle full of chemical nutrition that isn’t manufactured by my body.  I cried, watching his little chin move as he sucked on the bottle.  I smiled because he still made his little baby noises as he ate.  I cried because I couldn’t feel him nestled close to my chest.  I smiled because when he finished, he looked satisfied for the first time in a long time.  I instantly missed the sweet smell of breast-milk.  It’s funny that you don’t realize these things until they’re gone.

  I consulted my endocrinologist and a lactation consultant. Both agreed my pituitary function wasn’t working somehow and my body just wasn’t producing milk as it needed to.  That would explain why I got my menstrual cycle back at only 6 weeks.  The lactation consultant said I could continue to try to produce enough milk to at least supplement, but she and the Endocrinologist both are afraid that because only a few of my milk sinuses and ducts seem to work or fill up, I am at high risk for constant and reoccurring Mastitis, which is not good for me or Aaron.  We made the decision to give up breastfeeding and move forward with formula.

  The loss has been very hard.  It’s something that men and women who’ve never wanted to breastfeed probably won’t ever understand.  My husband tries – he knows how much I wanted to naturally feed our son and give him that extra immunity.  He is mourning with me, but he’s never felt the milk let down, the joy of knowing you carry within you everything your son needs at that moment.

  There are still moments where I feel like I failed him, that I didn’t or couldn’t do enough for him.  But I try to keep my eye on the bigger picture – of all the things that could’ve been wrong, this is probably the one with the best outcome.  He’s here, he’s healthy and he’s thriving.  This is what keeps me from tipping over the edge.  I focus on the positive aspects – it’s easier to feed him in public, he’s full and I can consistently feed him.  My husband can help out more.  The bottles seem to have cut down on his gas.

  I’m still a Lactivist and I still support women in their efforts to breastfeed their babies.  I do believe it is the best way when it’s possible.

  Is it possible for a woman to be a Lactivist even if she’s formula feeding her son? Did you have to transition from breast feeding to formula feeding?
  

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