Thursday, 05 November 2009
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Biting Child? Would You Bite Your Child Back?
What do you do when your child begins to bite and/or pinch? The answer to this question may vary depending on the age of the child as well as your parenting style. It seems that almost all children go through a phase like this at some point or another.
When my cousin Lorraine and I were little children we had been playing together in my basement playroom when suddenly she grabbed my neck with her little hand and twisted my skin. The pain was intense! I immediately took her hand and began to pry her fingers from my flesh when she put her head down and bit my forearm! By the time I reached our parents, who were upstairs, I already had blood coming to the surface of the skin in a semicircle where each tooth had punctured the skin.
My mom came to the rescue by washing the wounded area and giving me ice for both my arm and neck. My uncle on the other hand, just stood there with an amused look on his face as if he didn’t see anything wrong with what my cousin had done; after all she was just a four-year-old. Sure, she was just four years old but did that mean she should not be reprimanded in any way? Also, a four-year-old is definitely old enough to understand, once explained, that biting and pinching someone causes pain and that is unacceptable behavior. How was she going to learn not to do this again if no one let her know what she had done was wrong?
On the other extreme when dealing with a child who bites or pinches comes a story a mother once told me of how she handled her daughter’s biting problem. Her 17-month-old daughter was biting other children and this was causing the mother a great deal of stress. She repeatedly tried to explain to her daughter that biting hurt and that she was not to do it but her daughter just continued on biting. One day the mother grew so frustrated with her daughter’s biting habit that she bit her daughter back! This unorthodox approach worked for this mother but I am not saying that I would recommend it. Here are some other useful and less painful ways to approach a biter or pincher.
When the child bites or pinches, yell in a high-pitched voice “Ouch!” or “Ow!” Children usually will stop the behavior immediately since the sound signifies that they have caused pain. However, some children seem to find the situation amusing and will only bite or pinch more.
If that doesn’t work you can also try fake crying. Children understand that crying means something is wrong and will usually put two and two together and realize that their behavior caused you to cry, this knowledge should be enough for them to stop the behavior.
If none of the above work you can always go with good old time-out. The child will realize that the behavior put them in a situation where they received a time-out and they will no longer desire to bite or pinch.
How have you dealt with a little biter or pincher?
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About the Author
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- From: michcoy@xanga
- Name: Michelle
- About Me: I am a full-time nanny who loves to write whenever I can. I also love being outdoors whenever possible. Camping, hiking and kayaking are a few of my favorite activities.
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Comments (43)
I'm nursing and when my son bites, I break the latch immediately. I put him back on so he can finish but I wait a minute or two. He hasn't bitten in over a week so I think it's working.
What I want to know is, how do you get a child to stop biting animals? They can't exactly fake cry.
No
I think its 100% unhealthy to bite your child. I dont even understand how anyone could honestly find it effective. I feel like if you are biting your kid.. you have given up your control and are no longer any more mature than your child is. Thats like slapping your kid and telling him he's not allowed to hit.It just sends very mixed emotions through a child. I would have to believe that if your biting your kid its out of your own frustrations and feeling at your wits end and thats never, EVER appropriate. I cant stress enough how against that I am. There are more effective ways of parenting. Thats also why its called "Parenting" and not "Stooping to your childs level"
My brother was a vicious little biter at a very young age, for no identifiable reason, but he would violently bite my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and biting back sure fixed him. They tried everything else first, but that's what did it.
I've dealt with hitters, biters, pinchers, and crying/yelping in pain doesn't do squat. Usually the brats just laugh. If a firm "no" and time out doesn't change my child's behavior, I will definitely show them how it feels. No, we don't want to instill violent behavior in our children, but at that age they're still learning that actions have consequences, and I'd imagine a lot of those kids don't understand the concept of causing someone else pain. I imagine they laugh and continue doing it because it's funny to hear mommy squeal, etc. - so obviously you don't chomp of the baby's finger, but I think it's acceptable to show them that what they're doing is painful, even if that means momentarily causing pain to the child. Just me, though, and I don't have kids yet.
@Miss_Guided_Heart@xanga - That's a really dangerous behavior - they will probably stop after the first time they get bit in the face. How old is the kid? "No" is important to learn, as well as removing the kid from the area the pet is, or removing the pet from the situation. Never leave the kid unsupervised with the pet (obviously, this applies all the time!) and if the kid misbehaves, take them away from the pet, or it is very likely they will be seriously injured. Even the nicest, most docile house pets have limits and will defend themselves.
don't bite back! when i was dating my ex, what we did was scold her daughter each time (well she did the scolding) and explained to her why it was bad and how hurtful it was. eventually - and rather quickly - she grew out of it like most kids do (i'd hope to think) :) good luck!
When I was little, I had a problem with biting. I only bit my little brother; I never bit animals or anyone else (so it definitely wasn't that I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. I liked the tactile sensation; I also think I did it to see my brother's reaction and to assert myself as the oldest child and therefore, the dominant one). It had gone on for months (maybe years?), and I was old enough that I can clearly remember biting my brother...it didn't happen only a few times, either. My mom had tried everything, and the biting still continued. One day, she bit me back. It wasn't hard, but I do remember crying, mostly out of shock. That set me straight--I don't remember biting after that.
I'm not scarred for life, I'm not angry with my mother, I harbor absolutely no negative feelings about it, I don't have any sort of emotional distress as a result of her actions. I think what she did was genius, and it worked. I wouldn't recommend it as a first line of defense, but sometimes, the kid just needs a little taste of their own medicine (not enough to hurt them--but enough to show them what they're doing to others). Every child is different; if other methods of discipline work then that's great, but not every child responds to numerous time-outs and reprimands. Sometimes, after you've exhausted all your other punishments, you're not left with many other options!
I'm sorry but a child 18-24 months does not understand "You cannot bite because it hurts Mommy". 2 year olds do not reason. Time outs don't work either at this age. (at least in our house)
My Dad bit me back when I was that age, and it only took once.
My 2 year old went through a biting phase, and he only bit me. When he was trying to bit all I would do is hold him off with one hand, or distract him with a toy. I personally would not bit him back, but its something I am not comfortable doing.
But sometimes two year old need to have a physical consequence for doing something naughty, especially biting.
As for biting animals, I would keep the separated until the child is out of this stage.
My brother used to sink his teeth into my arms and draw blood when we were small. All I did was scream and my mom got really tired of hearing that and me not defending myself. So she bit him back. He never did it again.
I have known parents who bit back and it did not seem to help. I would suspect that biting back shows the child that biting is, indeed, effective and a normal action. When I had little ones my reaction was a smack as instantly as possible. The biting would cease for a while andcompletely stopped after a while longer. I don't know if it was because of my and my wife's treatment of it or if it was simply a phase that had passed. Of course, now anything harsher than a soft voice and "time-out" runs afoul of the law in most places.
my mom bit me back and I never bit anyone again!!! She didn't hurt me it was more of a pinch but it was effective.
If my child ever gets into that phase I would never bite them back, but I think that before your child is four years old or even gets to that point that they should be taught to not hurt other people, just like saying, "Don't hit." A four year old knows just fine that they shouldn't be acting that way...the way her father acted in your situation simply proves how the lack of the parental involvement is reflected in your child's behavior. My child better never act like that, I feel like if they did that I would have in some way failed.
But having said that, I am still pregnant with our first baby and I am sure that I will be somewhat enlightened by the time I actually get to that point. Everything is easier said than done. I can only hope that I do my best.
it's not uncommon for parents to bite back. mine did. i don't think i will, though. i'll probably go for the time out situation.
i agree it *might* create an unhealthy dynamic to bite your child back, but i think it creates an equally unhealthy one to emotionally manipulate them into not biting you (ie, by fake crying or screaming/intentionally overreacting to get the message across). that kind of parenting only buys you resentful children who can't trust you because they always think you're playing on their feelings to get what you want (probably because you are). jr high much? i think a straightforward approach ("you bit me and that hurt! biting is not nice, you're going to go sit/stand in time out for a few minutes") is best.
:)
@whitetrashpoet@xanga - @LadyGwenivere@xanga - I can't exactly keep the child and the dog separated because my 18 month old has figured out how to open the kennel and keeps letting the puppy out. She's bitten the dog so hard that the dog has cried out in pain and bled. The only other dog she's ever bitten was at her aunts house and that dog got her good in the face, but it hasn't deterred her because our dog won't fight back. I've tried pulling her away and saying 'no'. I've put her in time out. I've tried vinegar and hot sauce. Nothings working. My main concern is that one of these days she's going to try biting our new baby.
my son never really had a biting problem (yet), but he used to pull hair all the time. He thought it was funny when someone yelled or said ow. We did it back to him a few times, though not near as hard, and it worked. I don't think he'll ever remember it, so I don't think any harm was done. I would only do that if nothing else worked though.
First of all, be a decent parent that your child doesn't bite anyone in the first place.
But yeah, if a kid ever starts biting me they are getting smacked on the head or bit back. End of story.
@whitetrashpoet@xanga - Yep. Common sense.
Thank you for all of the comments, I am actually really surprised that other mothers have bit (or pulled hair) back! I agree it should never be the first line of defense but I guess it does work in some situations. It was definitely interesting to read everyone's comments!
@michcoy@xanga - I was shocked at the amount of people who have done it as well.. or who would.
They all say it works.. A child may stop when you do that, but its only initiating a fear based response from the child which is not something I feel comfortable with.
I guess "eye for an eye" is not the way I want my child to learn discipline under any circumstance.
I wouldnt hit, smack, bite, or anything of the sort to an adult to teach them the error of their ways.
Im most certainly not going to do it to a child.
My daughter started to bite me, a little after she turned 1 (she's 15 months now). Most of the time, It's just been when she's teething. I just tell her firmly that we don't bite people and get her a teething ring or start playing with her to distract her. I don't think I'd be comfortable biting her back, but I can see that it works for some others and I see nothing wrong with that. Different things work for different people...
lol ok pinching bak is one thing but BITEING A CHILD???? wtf OYYYVEY. my daughter has never had an issue with biteing or pinching. But slapping! she does that and i grab her arm and slap her lil hand (not hard just a tap) and now she doesnt do it often unless she is throwing a tantrum but she doesnt slap on purpose cuz she just swings her arms around but that only once and GREAT while my daughter is VERY well behaved.
I think up to a certain age it's totally acceptable and plan on doing it myself. Young kids understand gestures, not words. It's how they learn when interacting with each other. However, if your child should be old enough to know better, then no, I wouldn't, because you'd be contradicting yourself by telling them it's bad then doing it yourself.
My mom used to bite back.
My oldest didn't really have a problem with that, I don't think. He hit a lot for a short while, but I would sit down and hold him in my lap while he threw a fit, then after he was calm I let him up. He hit for less than a week.
His father let him do it, saying he was too young (around 18 months old) to know better, and he still did it up until recently. *I caught him and put a stop on that REAL quick*
My youngest *a year old now* bit me a month or two back. I said "ow" rather loudly, not as an intent to punish but because it freakin' hurt!! He started crying and he doesn't bite anymore.
"Also, a four-year-old is definitely old enough to understand, once explained, that biting and pinching someone causes pain and that is unacceptable behavior. How was she going to learn not to do this again if no one let her know what she had done was wrong?" Try to use explanations when it starts. If that doesn't work by a year and a half to two years old, you're going to have to bite, pinch, whatever back. But only as hard as the kid did it, in the exact same way, in the same spot on the body. They need to learn when the situation arises that people with any self- esteem are going to defend themselves. You do not want a four year old at the bottom of a flight of stairs with a concussion because you taught him, in one way or another, that what he was doing is ok. You want a four year old at the bottom of a flight of stairs with a concussion because your own biting, pinching, etc. back did not help- they needed a second opinion.
I used to bite my brother ALL the time. Idon't remember when I stopped... probably when I accidentally bit my grandmother because i thought it was my brothers hand... it sent me into shock because I didnt want to hurt HER but I did.