Monday, 02 November 2009
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Who Comes First? Children or Spouse?
The other day during a "discussion," my husband Matt made the statement that I put my children first in my life. I don't deny that, I absolutely do.
When asked to define myself I always start with "mother" followed by "wife". Do I do this because this is a second marriage and I have children from the previous one? I doubt that because I did the same thing in my first marriage. When things began to turn bad in that marriage I realized that I couldn't be a good wife, but I could be a damn good mother. Not to sound cynical, but men come and go; my children are my children for my lifetime.
I have made no secret of my childhood and the issues that surrounded it. My dad and my mother divorced, but my dad was still the most amazing dad in the world. He didn't divorce me and it was him that kept me going during those difficult years. My mom moved on to my stepfather and suddenly we were expected to change our entire lives to fit his. Do not get me wrong, I adored my stepfather, but it was obvious that he replaced us in my mothers world. I never wanted my kids to feel like they had been replaced by anyone.
A rather deep discussion for a Monday, but this is what I have been pondering.
Do you put your children ahead of your spouse or does your spouse come before your children?
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About the Author
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- From: gwacemom
- Name: Ange
- About Me: I am a mom to eight. 5 by birth, 3 by marriage. I am trying to rediscover myself. Writing has been a big help. I am passionate about Down syndrome awareness as well as CHD (congenital heart defects). Have a question about either, feel free to ask. If I don't have the answer, I will by nightfall. The beautiful girl in the picture is why I am so passionate about the two subjects. She is the face of Down syndrome. Not what you expected, is it?
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Comments (63)
There has to be divided attention between both parties: Husband and children. He has to be mature enough to understand the situation with your kids, but you do need to satisfy him, too.
I am single and childless so basically.... what do I know? but I agree with what you said about children coming before your spouse but I do not agree with you're reasoning at all. It just seems immature to me to think that you're husband should get less attention than you're kids because "men come and go." A marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime, you shouldn't even be thinking in terms of he might leave eventually because that just sounds like you're in some silly unstable teenage relationship. Anyway, my reasoning would've been that children need a lot more attention than your grown spouse does. All children are at a stage in their lives when they need to constantly be reassured that they are loved and wanted while your spouse should already be secure and confident about all that. That's just my opinion.
I'm pregnant with my first, and we care for my husband's 13-year old brother. I'm hoping to always put my marriage/husband first. I think if the parents are happy and in love, that's really beneficial for the kids.
I say that they're all equal, but I would place a special emphasis on the relationship with my husband over the relationship with my kids. Why? Because in order to put your kids first, you often have to put your husband first. It seems backwards because both adults would obviously die for their children, and most would say that they're the most important things in life, but if you have a good relationship with your husband, your kids are going to benefit from that loving relationship, and good relationships require private time to reconnect and renew. That's why it's SO important to take breaks from your kids, to go on date nights, to have some alone time, etc. This not only teaches your kids independence, that they do not have to be clingingly present with someone 24/7 in order to love them, but it also gives you the time you need to re-charge, both yourself and your relationship, so that you can jump back in the game as a less frazzled, more present, even more loving mother. If we only think of the moment and meeting our kids' immediate needs, it is very easy to neglect our spouses in favor of caring for the children. This breeds resentment, distance grows between the parents, one or the other begin to feel unsupported or unloved. In many cases, I have seen it escalate to the point of separation or divorce and NO child wants to go through seeing mommy and daddy split up. Some divorces (such as those stemming from abuse) can be better for the children, but I have SEVERAL friends who are still scarred from their parents' divorces, who cite divorce as a negative part of their upbringing, for their difficulty with their own future relationships, etc. And if a divorce can be avoided simply by making sure you spend plenty of quality alone time with your husband in order to nurture that relationship and make sure you don't grow apart and fall out of love, well then, it's something we all need to make sure we do. For our kids. So they can grow up supported by two parents who are able to demonstrate a healthy loving relationship and they can rest secure in that solid, loving base. Also, I don't look at my husband as "just a man" who will "come and go." Maybe this is partly because my own parents are still together. They did a good job of demonstrating what a marriage should be: lasting and loving. I picked my husband as someone I knew I didn't want to live without, that I would love forever, and I made vows of commitment to him. I knew he would never hurt me or use me. I made sure of his character, dated him for almost six years before marrying him. So now, unless he dies, I plan on my husband still being around LONG after the kids have grown up and moved out. And at that point, I don't want us to be left with just a shell of our former relationship, with nothing keeping us together but the fact that we share the same children. I don't want us to have gone 20 years without having a good conversation that isn't about our kids. I want to have worked on our relationship so that we're still very much in love, and able to share the joys of grand children and retirement together.
My husband said to me, right before we were pregnant, that he would always make sure he puts everything he has into our marriage and to being a good husband, because then everything else will fall into place with our kids and all of us as a family.
He couldn't be more right.
I don't think you necessarily have to put either of them 'first', but too many couples, I think, get so caught up in the energy it takes to raise kids that they forget to put something into their marriage. My husband and I work very hard to keep putting something into each other, and it's working. It's too easy to say 'I'm too tired' when it comes to doing stuff with your spouse - date night, talking, planning, intimacy, etc. But if you can force yourself to find that little bit of energy, it can make all the difference in the world.
Without the strong foundation of marriage, I think it can really affect the way your kids are raised. I'm not saying anything against single mothers or divorced parents (I'm the kid of one of them!), but my son is at peace, it seems to me, knowing that he's in a very openly loving environment, and I hope that as he sees his father (and mother) putting so much effort into his marriage and family that he will do the same for his wife one day.
Kids should come first until they're grown up.
Spouse time can come after the kids go to bed though
Well, since I am childless and spouseless, I can't answer this question. But, I assume when I have a spoue and children (if I do) I will put my children first?
why does one have to come first? Why not both ahead of self?
In our home, family is first. To me, that means my hubby and my fson come first.
To put either one ahead would be to show favoritism.. just as putting one child before another.
Spouse, spouse, spouse! Every other familial relationship revolves around and is modeled on the marital relationship. Also your children's future spousal relationships will be modeled on your marital relationship. Furthermore there is literally tons of research on the ill effects of growing up in a broken home. Putting your spouse first alleviates many of these issues and helps to prevent broken homes. In essence putting your spouse first IS making your children your priority.
i put my son first. He needs more of my attention. My husband can understand that.
Spouse first for most issues because the health of the marriage is what keeps the family together. If you put kids above spouse all the time you are more likely to lose the spouse to someone who puts him first. Then everybody gets a raw deal. The kids run a very close second and their needs are considered in our decisions, but I do put my husband first.
I feel I invest more of my time trying to maintain my marriage. However, we spend just as much time trying to raise our daughter. I feel that they both go hand in hand in my life. I feel I distribute my attention and love very equally.My daughter always sees our love and hugs and kisses we give. We cuddle on the couch and are loving.. she also sees the bickering sometimes.Thats how our marriage is. My husband is my partner, and virtually the air that I breathe. I dont know where my life would be without him. He is my best friend and essentially the left side of my body considering we are hardly ever apart and prefer it that way. My children are my world though. When I was growing up my dad was never mean to me physically, but mentally, he was. He called me dumb, told me things like I couldnt shower in his shower (my mom and sister did), and basically, I had a different set of rules in the house than everyone else and thats just scraping the surface of it all. My mom knew all this and never left my dad... and to this day its something I have a hard time forgiving her for. So, when it boils down to it, my childrens happiness and needs will honestly always come first for me.. (if theres a situation where I have to choose.) Hopefully something similar or negative wont happen in our lives and I can remain distributing my love equally.
Spouse first. My dad (who was the officiant at mine and my husband's wedding) told us this: "Other than your relationship with God, there is no other relationship as important as a marriage relationship. And on earth, there is no greater relationship." We both believe that. In order for my husband and I do be good parents, we need to have our marriage and relationship in order.
@DirtyAndShaken@xanga - I completely agree!
@bubbelcat - @DirtyAndShaken@xanga - @jesusmoshes2@xanga - @asecheer221@xanga -
I completely agree.
I love my husband and I love my children. The love is equal but different. When it comes down to it though, my children come first.
Children by far. Children should always come first. It is irresponsible if they don't.
That's a tough question to answer. With regards to meeting absolute needs (food, shelter, etc) my kids come first but I love my husband more. I chose him for the rest of my life and maintaining our relationship is the priority. I want my children to grow up seeing a healthy, loving relationship between us and that takes work. So while I love my kids and I am absolutely dedicated to making sure they have everything they need and more, I am also aware that they will only be "mine' for the next twenty or so years. Eventually they will branch out and start their own lives, as they should, and I want to still be standing next to my husband when that happens.
Maybe in your experience men are disposable but I meant my wedding vows and that means putting that relationship first. My kids are far from neglected but my husband is the priority for me and I am the priority to him.
@Kait82521@xanga - I do not find men disposable and I too meant my wedding vows; both times.
I live in a world where sometimes in spite of everyone doing their best, marriages fail. I will admit to a poor choice of words in the "men come and go" comment, but I speak from my own reality. In a perfect world marriage would be forever, unfortunately my world is far from perfect and I have to protect those that I brought into it.
this is a no-brainer for me . my children will always come first ! your spouse was already your number one before your children . i understand where people would say that if you show your husband/wife love and affection then it will better their future relationships . but i can show my husband compassion and love without having him first . my children will always be my first priority . and my husband feels the same way. and what if you were in a violent relationship , are you still going to put your spouse first ?!Â
@gwacemom - Yes, you do have to protect your children. But I don't think that always means putting their interests in front of your own. Sometimes Mommy needs a nap or to not have cartoons on in the background. Sometimes Mommy even needs the kids to go play in the playroom so she can cuddle with Daddy on the couch without distraction. My kids are protected and loved and they know that - but they also know that their parents love one another and are always going to put each other first.
@MiSz_kEl_KeL@xanga - If you're in a bad relationship that changes the whole situation and if you were in an abusive situation, hopefully putting your kids first would mean getting out of the marriage.
i'v never been in an abusive relationship , but i do tend to watch too much television and every woman in that situation (or man) never leave the other just for the fact that they want to work it out for the childrens sake .
My first thought was, "I'm so glad this made it up here!" and then I skimmed the comments. LOL. Oy...
There are acceptions to the rule, but the kids come first 99% of the time. Tim is an adult. At 34 years old, he is capable of "waiting a minute", making sensible choices on his own, completely understanding our budget and so forth. Likewise, I'm not always first on his list...and I don't expect to be. We knew going into this that we would make sacrifices. Him and I...not the kids. And putting your spouse first doesn't always mean 'Hapily Ever After'. I was a damned good wife. We had no children...he had my undivided attention. And my ex-hubby still wanted something else!
Mew, mew... Is that a cat? I totally think that's a cat over there...way over there... *watches the trolls scramble*
-@filtered_sunlight - LOL, I almost didn't let them post this one because I knew it could go either way.
And yes, I do believe I see some cat hair lying around.
@MiSz_kEl_KeL@xanga - Thank you for pointing out that not all marriages are perfect and that it isn't always as easy as "just getting out."
@Kait82521@xanga - Again, in a perfect world that would make total sense. I do not live in a perfect world and have to do the best with what I am given. Also, leaving an abusive relationship is not always as easy as some believe. Often times the woman is so mentally beaten down that it takes her years to crawl her way out of the mess.
@gwacemom - That needs to be said again -- "I live in a world where sometimes in spite of everyone doing their best, marriages fail." AMEN!!
You know, I can sort of see where a lot of these people might be coming from. I lived in my little remodeled dream castle once, too, thinking that I'd be married to Mike forever and we'd be blissfully happy well after our hair went gray and we started purchasing Polygrip... *whispers* And then I woke up!