So I recently posted a blog on Datingish called "It's OK, I'm a Virgin Again". It was about revirginization & my choice to go along with this idea after I had my daughter for many reasons. Mostly because of my own self choice & to be a role model for my daughter.
It seems as if some of the Datingish followers took this the wrong way. Some believed I was trying to be like "Virgin Mary" and that I was lying to myself and the guys I encounter by saying, "I'm a virgin!"
Definitely not what I was expecting or meaning in the post... So I decided to use another word and see what other parents on Momaroo have to say about abstinence after baby.
I decided to abstain from sex after I had my daughter. Why you may ask? Because I feel as if I want a fresh start in my life. I want to wait until I meet the guy of my dreams and marry him before I have sex again. (My daughter's father and I are not together anymore as you might have noticed)
Also, I want to find a guy who respects my choices in life. I told a guy that I was abstinent once and he went crazy. Saying, "You have a kid! Why would you do that?! You can't last that long. That's insane!" So far, I haven't met a guy who has not asked my why I would make such a "crazy" choice, believed I could last that long or acted like it was nothing.
How do you feel about abstaining from sex after you had a baby and wait until you are married to do it again? Have you done this before? Do you think it's pointless?
Comments (44)
That sounds a whole lot more realistic then "revirginization" after baby. lol!
I think you have a wonderful plan and i'm sure you will be very blessed.
I think it's a good idea. Obviously you think it's a good idea and that's all that matters.
it is also a really great way to find out early in the relationship if the guy is worth it, judging by the reactions you've had.
I agree, it sounds more realistic, and if that's what you want to do, fantastic! I guess I just don't understand- baby or not, I don't see how I could benefit from *not* having sex, but I guess I'm not at that point, and you are.
Seems like it should be pretty easy to answer those questions with "Well, last time I had sex, I ended up alone with a baby. I'd like a bit more commitment before I go through that again..."
good for you!
I say good for you!! Better late than never, right?
I think it's a wonderful idea to wait for sex until you are ready. Whether or not you have had sex before is really not a factor in deciding what you want to do now. There are men out there who will support your decision but as you are learning there are many more men who will not. Hang in there and wait for one who is willing to let you be who you are.
@averyswife@xanga - agreed.
More kudos to ya if you're going to abstain. It's a great example to set for your child.
I was just talking to my friend about the same thing yesterday. My parents now have been together for 27 years so I've been lucky in that I never had the evil step parents or had to watch my parents go out on dates with other people. I didn't get tossed back and forth between parents every other weekend and holidays. And I don't want that for my daughter. I'm hoping that the father and I work everything out but if not I want to be with someone who loves me for me not just for my body. I want someone who respects me and treats me right. And I wont find that if I don't respect myself. So after she's born I'm waiting til marriage.
@pretend2fly@xanga - woo-hoo! someone agrees with me! I've had some tough times with guys after i had my daughter. I even had a guy I was dating try to convince me to change my mind because it would be hard for HIM to go that long without sex. wth. that went out the door. lol.
But yes, I hope one day my daughter's father & I work out. Right now we're on different levels in life. I want to settle down & he still wants to party with the boys, but maybe one day... I don't want a "stepdad" either...@TornadoChaser - oh yes. and I've had some crazy reactions already. convincing me to change my mind, asking me if I was serious, "why would u do such a thing?!" lol. guys are sex-a-holics!
I do NOT think its pointless and dont let anyone tell you it is. I think it is absolutly awesome that you are making this choice for you and your daughter. Raising a kid by yourself is tough enough, without complicating relationships with men. It will help you weed out the baddies before they even get a chance to disrupt your life. And it is a GREAT example as well. Sorry things arent well between your daughters father and you. I know that story all to well some guys just dont ever leave the party with the boys whenever they want to stage...But there are men out there that will not only respect your choice, but admire you even more for making it.
My friend did that after her little girl was born. She found a nice guy and married him about 2 years later.
To thine own self be true, and take care of your little one.
proud of you!!!
I tried to do that, for the sake of my sanity and to be my daughter's role model.
Yeah, 7months after my daughter was born, I gave in and had a one-night stand x(
You have some mighty strength, girl :D
good for you! i'd have the same mind set if i were in your position.
hell i'm married and still want to abstain from sex most of the time. =]
I don't think it's pointless at all. To me it's not that much different from abstaining even if not a virgin.
"No I'm not a virgin but that don't I'm having sex with ya" was a line from Caramel by City High.
I used to be confused by it at first when I was younger. I thought if a girl wasn't a virgin then she must be a slut. But that's not it at all. And with your situation, it's the same thing.
Just because there is proof, for lack of a better word, of you having had sex in the past does not mean that you will spread your legs for any guy that comes along.
All the more power to you! And keep your head up! eHug
Some ppl on here can be quite mean for no other reason besides they can, bc it's anonymous.
@pretend2fly@xanga - not all step parents are evil...i have been raising my 2 step kids since they were 4 and 5, their mother had custody until she just dropped them off w/ my husband and never asked for them back...he took her to court for custody - she never showed in court. My kids are now normal 11 and 13 year olds (boy 13, girl 11) they don't always like US - dad included - because we have rules. But, they don't think that I am evil by any means.
I think this revirginization is overrated and ridiculous. It sends the message that if you're not a virgin before marriage, then you're no good. It turns the clocks back for women where their value is only measured by their sexual behavior and disregard the other good lovable qualities that they have.
I think this "born again virgin" should be done away with. However I do support your desire to abstain from sex until you find that man of your dreams.
If I were single when I had my baby, I absolutely would do the same thing. I would spend my time focusing on building a good life for my son, not temporary pleasures with men that may come and go from our lives. The right man will come along, and you'll be happy that you did this. And while you may or may not tell your baby when the time is right, you are instilling security and value into your relationship with her and leading by example along the way.
Good for you!
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Good for you! Me too. My son's father (as of Monday he's officially and legally my ex-husband) kicked me to the curb when I was 8 months pregnant. He's been an absolute bastard ever since, and event though I thought it was bad before, afterward it got worse. I can't stand the thought of attracting that kind of a loser again. I'm keeping myself out of the dating game until my son is 5 or so. And I'm not one for sex before marriage, so as long as it takes, I will wait. It's not hard for me, ok, it's a bit of a challenge, but when two people REALLY love each other, they can get through anything.
My son deserves a mom with her good reputation intact. He also deserves that I respect myself, and I won't if I'm freely sleeping with whomever I want. It's not SAFE to bring random men home when you have a child. What if they're violent? What if they're in a bad crowd and (even unknowingly) bring violence to your house? What if they're perverts? You simply have to guard your child from that type of person at all costs.
I am SO glad there is another woman out there who is in the same mindset that I am. My friends also think I'm a bit nutty for putting a hold on sex. But then again, they're not supporting my child, I am- so I really don't take into consideration what they're saying on the matter.
So thank you for sharing this.
It's a comfort to know I'm not alone.
I think the term revirginization is a strange term and an inaccurate one. :p As well as an unnecessary one.
However, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be abstinent now and wait until you get married to have sex again. I think it's awesome that you want to be a role model for your daughter.
I think that the reason the guys you've dated or talked to about it went nuts like that was mostly because they saw you as someone who has a child and who is unmarried, so that means you must be an easy lay. Or at least that if they play their cards right, they are going to get lucky. Then you tell them that, and it really blows their mind. :p
But, yeah, if a guy acts like that, he's probably not the best kind of guy to get involved with. You want someone who will support a decision like that and who will respect your decision.
I think you're doing a good thing, and I wish you a lot of luck with it. It may be hard to find a guy that doesn't act weird like that and instead respects your decision, based on the fact that apparently you haven't met a guy who hasn't had to shoot you down for it. I'm sorry that you met so many jerks and losers after this decision. :( But, stay strong. You aren't crazy and neither is your decision. I think you're doing a very good thing, wanting to do this to be a role model for your daughter. :)
Hmm, there's an old joke about knowing single mothers put out... but I forgot how it goes.
I don't think I would advocate for your decision, but I understand why you are doing. I think sex is important in a relationship, and for anyone to wait until they are married to find out if they are compatible is silly. Maybe wait until you are serious, but not until you are married.
I think that's awesome. Don't let the naysayers get you down. :) That's really admirable that you're doing it for your child too (and yourself I'm guessing).