Wednesday, 21 October 2009
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Diary of a Miscarriage
No one ever talks about Miscarriage.
Yet anytime I talk about having a miscarriage, there are always other people who've had a similar experience.
So, today I'm talking about my most recent miscarriage, to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (October 15th).
We've been Trying to Conceive (TTC) for a little over a year now. We don't seem to have much trouble with the 'conceiving' part of that statement, but in the time we've been TTC, I've had two miscarriages.
I've been charting my Basal Body Temperature (BBT), which tracks fertile days and ovulation.
23 August, 2009 -- 3wks 6 days (13 days post ovulation)
My period was due yesterday, but my BBT didn't drop today (a sign that my period will arrive) so I took a home pregnancy test and it came back with a faint line. Pregnant. Hurrah!
I'm cautiously optimistic. Ross -- as with my previous pregnancies -- won't believe the home tests and tells me to go for a blood test.
I continued to chart my BBT until the blood tests came back, my chart was perfect, the best pregnancy chart I've every had.
28 August, 2009 -- 4wks 4 days (18 days post ovulation)
My beta test (to confirm the pregnancy) results are back (the numbers are expected to double every 48hrs)
Tuesday's beta (14dpo): 34
Thursday's beta (16dpo): 107
My numbers are perfectly average (a touch on the low side) but with good doubling times, due to my previously losses my Doctor also refers me to the OB who'd done our recurrent loss panel.
My perfect chart and beta's really boost my confidence, this pregnancy 'feels' different to me, and I'm getting perfect textbook symptoms.Ross and I talk about it, and because of our previous experiences with early ultrasounds, we decide to make our first OB appointment closer to 8wks, this way, if there is no heartbeat on the scan we know that there is something wrong, on previous scans we've gone in earlier when not seeing a heartbeat can be ambiguous.
03 September, 2009 -- 5wks 5days.
Argh! I swear my boobs got bigger overnight!
Another good sign. I'm thrilled, although bigger boobs are the last thing I need.
Sometime the following week.
Ross comments that he thinks my boobs aren't as full as they had been. I feel like all the air has been sucked out of me. I start to overanalyze all my symptoms. Am I still feeling nauseous? Are my boobs still sore? Am I as tired today as I was yesterday?17 September, 2009 -- 7wks 5 days. (Thursday)
Our first appointment with our OB. The scan doesn't go well, instead it was spookily similar to our first pregnancy, the baby measured 6wks 1day, which was 10days behind the 7wks 5days that my chart confirmed.We see a yolk sac, the start of a fetal pole, but no heartbeat. As soon as we see the scan Ross and I know something is wrong.
Our OB said that sometimes BBT charts can be wrong, and not to worry too much, maybe it's just too early. He wants me to come back in two weeks for another scan.I had been closely charting, and I knew my dates couldn't have be 10days out, if my dates were 10 days out, my HPT would have been positive at just 4days post ovulation, that's just not possible.
It's raining and we drive to get takeout for lunch, we sit in the car-park and eat in the car. I'm crying and it's hard to swallow the food. I have to go back to work and pretend nothing is wrong.
Ross sends me an email from work. Someone at his work announced their pregnancy, he say's it's the hardest congratulations he's ever had to give. I go into the toilets and cry.
18 September, 2009 -- 7wks 6 days. (Friday)
I wake up to some bleeding. Because my blood group is O negative I have to go an have a shot of Anti-D, I spoke with my OB on the phone, and he said to continue with our planned scan the next week.
It's Friday, so I take the day off work and spend the afternoon in the ER to get a shot of Anti-D (my local doctor's surgery doesn't stock Anti-D, I have to go to the ER to get it).Ross has also taken the day off work, he's come down with a nasty virus.
I spent that weekend with my feet up, trying to be positive, but not truly feeling it. I knew the chances of a good outcome weren't high. Over the course of the weekend, I catch Ross' virus. Because of the tiny chance that everything works out with the baby, I can't take anything for the virus, not even throat lozenges. I'm miserable.
21 September, 2009 -- 8wks 1 day. (Monday)
Both Ross and I take the start off the week off work feeling horrible. We get a medical certificate which gives us until Thursday off work.
Today is TK's birthday, so we keep him home too and spend the day playing 'Wii Sports Resort'. We order pizza for lunch.
24 September, 2009 -- 8wks 4 days. (Thursday)
I intend to go back to work this morning, but I wake up with my eyes gummed up shut with conjunctivitis. Seriously, like I need this now.I call in to my boss and explain about the conjunctivitis. I tell him that I'll be in on Monday.
I go to the bathroom and discover I'm passing large blood clots. Ross and I go to the ER.
They book me in for a scan and confirm that I've had an Incomplete Miscarriage. An incomplete miscarriage is where there are 'retained products'. I'm given another Anti-D shot and they send home on bed rest in the hopes that I'll pass the remaining products naturally.
28 September, 2009. (Monday)
I speak with my OB on the phone, he's meant to be on leave, so I'm surprised that he called.
He's not happy that the hospital sent me home, and tells me that I may still need a D&C. He sends me for another scan and gives me a script for some of the biggest antibiotics that I've ever seen. The scan shows that I have passed most of the retained product. My OB is happy with this progress and decides that I won't need a D&C.
29 September, 2009. (Tuesday)
I go back to work.
Only my best friend at work and my direct boss know about the miscarriage. Everyone else thinks the virus has kept me off work for a week. Everyone gives me a hard time about 'being a wuss' since I needed so much time off work because of a virus. I laugh and smile and play along, I argue that I had conjunctivitis too -- and that's highly contagious -- I wouldn't want to spread my gummy eyes around. It's all in fun, but part of me wants to tell the truth. I know if I do tell everyone that most people will feel uncomfortable and not know what to say. So I keep the truth to myself.
Today.
We have a followup appointment with the OB in a couple of weeks, he's talked to us about a trial treatment of 'Baby Aspirin'. It's not proven, but it's had good results for other people who've had recurrent loss, it's also sometimes used in conjunction with IVF. We haven't really decided where we'll go to from here. I guess we'll make a decision after we next see the OB.
I normally wouldn't normally talk about my miscarriages on the public side of my xanga site, I've talked about them previously on my private site though, but I've made this post public to raise awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
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- From: deevaa@xanga
- About Me: I'm a quirky kiwi chick who likes to paint in my pyjamas. I left New Zealand in Jan 2002, coming to Australia - to live with the guy I met right here on xanga in jan 2001. I'm a wanna be artist girl, almost all the paintings and jewellery I post here on xanga are for sale, if you are interested in any of them, just email me -- deevaa@deevaa.com
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Comments (134)
I am so sorry to hear about your losses.
Why would the doctor put you on baby aspirin? I have two clotting disorders and was on blood thinners throughout my pregnancy, so I know a bit about this.
This post warrants a comment, but I am at a loss for what to say. As overly used as it is, I am very sorry for your loss. I wish I had something to say that would take the pain away.
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad to hear someone share and early loss story. Mine was between week 6 & 7. I don't talk about it much because people tend to minimize it since it was so early. It was a very real and painful lose for me and my husband. Thankfully we were able to figure out that I had a hormone problem and I had two healthy pregancies after my miscarriage.
I've had five. And one infant loss. People are just very uncomfortable talking about it. It's an isolating event. I had no idea there was a family history of loss until I started having my own. I'm half way through this pregnancy and still terrified that it's going to be gone when I wake up one morning.
I am so sorry to hear about your losses.
My mother has had a miscarriage, I'd have had two older sisters.
xo
I've had 2 successful births, am currently pregnant (due in December), and have lost one little angel.
The event was traumatizing, and I don't think any pain could compare. *I say this knocking on wood so that the children I have now outlive me... I couldn't survive their loss*
The two pregnancies I've had since I have counted weeks... first until my youngest son was born, and now I'm counting them until she gets here, until she's in my arms, until I know she's safe.
RIP baby (March 16, 2007) "Pandora"
Im so sorry you have had to go through this, i had my d&c this morning after my scan last friday showed no heartbeat.I was supposed to be 15 weeks 2 days today and was convinced i was out of the danger zone.Everybody knew as i told them all after 12 weeks.I am lucky everyones been very supportive and understanding, i believe that in pregnancy loss it doesnt matter if your 4 weeks or 40 weeks you've made plans and you're life is instantly changed, that is not easy to get over.I differed college for a year and now face a seemingly endless stretch ahead in the next few months which were supposed to be filled with joy.I know that im young and although my pregnancy was unplanned i loved my little angel from the start.
I believe that no matter how horrible things are in life that there can be a positive, no matter how deeply that is buried and i have decided that in a few weeks when i am feeling up to it i fully intend to campaign for better treatment of woman facing miscarriage.I was treated very badly and that is hard to deal with, i was suicidal and needed help and was turned away and told i was "just grieving right now" would be "over it soon",I dont believe i ever will.Even my family doctor was cruel and when i went to him begging for help as i couldnt cope he just shrugged and said "i dont know what you expect me to do about it".An already painful experiance has been made so much worse and i plan to ensure that NO-ONE ever goes through that kind of treatment again.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, i know if it werent for reading others stories online i would have felt even more alone than i do right now xx
I have had 3 miscarriages. And 1 D&C after my second miscarriage. All three were in the early weeks (4-8 weeks). In between each miscarriage I have had a successful pregnancy (2 little boys). I had my last one May 1st of this year. My doctor ended up running a battery of blood test to figure out why this was going on. She was checking for chromosonal abnormalities and blood disorders. And she tested my husband as well. And everything came back fine. So she came to the conclusion that I do not produce enough progesterone (if it's too low it will cause you to miscarry). So with each pregnancy I will have to start taking progesterone right off the back until 12 weeks.
Good luck with everything.
Awe. I'm really sorry to hear about your losses. I can't really tell you anything since I've never been in your position, but keep strong and I'll be praying for you.
xoxo. <33
My sister-in-law and brother tried getting pregnant for a year. They had one miscarriage, but decided to keep trying, they got pregnant again, about a month after I got had gotten pregnant. I was excited. We were going to be pregnant together and have babies together. At twenty weeks they went to the doctor to find out the sex of the baby, but instead came bad news. They were told their baby had anencephaly. When my brother told me, I looked it up to find it's a disease caused from the mother not having enough folic acid at conception that causes the baby's skull to not fully develope. They were told if the baby survived birth at all, it would only live a couple hours. Labor was induced and my beautiful neice was still born. Everyone was crushed. A couple months later, they tried again. Miscarriage number two. They considered not trying again, but after some time, they tried again, despite their worries. Miscarriage number three. This time, they said they couldn't go through that kind of pain again and were done. After some more time, they decided one last try. No more, just once more. My neice is now 5 months old and a whopping 20 pounds. She's perfect.
I hope you'll have the same ending outcome too. Good luck & I hope you the absolute best.
I am sorry... I just lost my baby on september 29th 2009. I know your story all too well Ive had 5 pregnancies and only have one living child. Ive lost 2 in the last 7 months. It was strange this time because me and my two sister in laws were all a week apart, 2 of us were trying the others were done (or so they thought) The two of us that were ttc both lost our babies, and the one who thougth she was done it seems is the only one who is going to deliver a baby. My husband and I just dont know what to do anymore. I hope your luck is much better then ours. Ive never heard of baby asprin, but at this point Im willing to try just about anything.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I have a special place in my heart for everyone else who struggled with infertility and then losses, it's just unfair piled with more unfair. {{{gentle hugs}}}
From my loss boards, I would definitely say the benefits of baby aspirin and progesterone outweigh the risks after several losses. I even know some people who are trying Lovenox without test results showing a clotting disorder-I guess some things we just don't know or can't test for yet.
At the beginning of this pregnancy I knew right away something was different. I didn't feel pregnant, but I knew I was. I went to the doctor as soon as I knew (I was 6 weeks. They thought me to only be 4 or 5). Took some blood tests and found out my "pregnancy hormone" was low, as they called it. Took some medicine and now it's all better. Except this pregnancy still feels different. Everytime I go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat, I'm relieved.
I don't know, I guess that scare at the beginning has me all worked up. I don't think I'll feel better until the baby is actually born. I'm only 15 weeks so I have quite a long way to go.
I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I know all too well the pain you are experiencing. I had three miscarriages at 7, 11, and 7 weeks within 14 months. My OB ran a gamut of blood tests which all came back fine. With my next pregnancy he gave me the option of trying baby aspirin and progesterone. He said it wasn't proven to work, but it wouldn't hurt. So I used both and had a successful pregnancy. With my next pregnancy I didn't use anything and that also resulted in a successful pregnancy. Was it the drugs? I don't know, but it was worth trying. Unfortunately miscarriage happens at a higher rate than most people realize, but like you said, it is one of those things that people don't openly talk about. I just wanted to share my story with you and hopefully give you hope, which I know is difficult to have sometimes. I wish you the best as your ttc journey continues, and again, I am so sorry you have had to endure two losses, I truly hope there are no more in your future.
I still find it incredible that while its rarely ever spoken, so many women are cursed with having to experience it. I'm very sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through something like this... especially not more than once. I had an early loss as well, right around 8 weeks. I think the isolation on top of the grief is probably the most horrible feeling.
When loved ones who have lived die, we're all allowed to talk about them & its an acceptable part of the grieving process. When our unborn children die, we're seen as morbid and overreacting and seeking sympathy for an "insignificant" event. Its unfair.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am 7 months pregnant and can only imagine the pain you went through. It's something I worry about every day, even now that the baby is somewhat viable. There are so many things that can go wrong and none of them are within our control. I do think it's something people need to talk about more. It may be awkward for others but it's simply painful to have to suffer in silence and pretend like nothing's wrong or like that baby didn't matter because it wasn't very far along. I know I would have been just as devastated to lose my baby at 8 weeks as I would if I lost it tomorrow. I told people I was pregnant quite early on in my pregnancy and some people were like "why would you tell people before three months? What if you lose the baby?" Well, what if? Am I just supposed to pretend it doesn't count until it starts pushing out my abdomen? I think I'd rather people know about it so they would know the reason for my pain in the event of miscarriage. I wanted friends and family to get excited about it alongside me so that in the event of a loss they could feel it too. They would understand that it really was a loss and not something minor. Sure it would have meant dealing with a lot of awkward sympathy and questions and comments but I think I'd prefer that to the alternative of pretending my baby didn't matter. Still, I can understand the fear; why are we all so afraid to discuss anything unpleasant?
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Losing a baby is hard, even if you haven't had it.
It really is a shame that it is such a taboo thing to talk about. And that it makes people awkward. You need all of the help and support you can get.
I really hope that the next time it works for you. Good luck, and my best wishes.
I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. I had a miscarriage between my first and second pregnancy and it was so hard to go through. I hate that people often just expect you to get over it instantly. I will pray for you guys to make the right choices.
i have never been pregnant so i can't relate, but i am so sorry for your loss, and i know that if i ever get pregnant one day it'll definitely be a constant fear for me.
I'm so sorry for your loss! I've had two healthy pregnancies, but I always worry that the baby isn't okay.
I am sorry for your losses. I didn't know there was such a day (or that it was on my birthday). Keep your chin up. It will happen for you. And your doctor's are on your side.
I am sorry for your losses. You are right people don't talk about the loss of a pregnancy or infants. I didn't even know there was a day. Good luck with TTC.
I'm so sorry for your losses.
I just had a miscarriage in August. It was the most horrible thing I ever had to go through and am hoping not to have to do it again.
I understand, I've been there. A lot of people don't grasp that it is a loss since you never held that baby in your arms. My son and his wife just had a baby 3 months ago. When they were first pregnant they were amazed at how strongly they already felt about the baby. I had one at the beginning of the second trimester and that was very hard on me. In time, I have healed from the losses just as I healed from the losses of other loved ones. Hang in there.
I am so sorry. I can't find any words at all to describe how hard it must be. *hugs*
If I were to get pregnant, I would have to make sure the father doesn't have the same condition that I have, or I might have a miscarriage. I forgot what it's called, but it's similar to being anemic. [I have a lot of tiny red blood cells, so it looks like i need more iron but i dont.] My sister has the same condition, but no one else in our family does. My grandmother had a miscarriage [i believe it was, or the baby didn't survive long after it was born]. I can't imagine what you're going through, but i can imagine it is difficult and scary. hang in there and stay strong.