Monday, 19 October 2009
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Dating With Children
My fiance has a three year old daughter from his previous relationship. His daughter was a little over a year and a half when we got together but I had known her since she was five months old.
A lot of people used to ask me if it bothered me to date someone with a child. Some even told me they could never do it. It never bothered me. I understood entering the relationship that it was a package deal and his daughter would always come first. And I as okay with that. I expected it.
How would you feel about dating someone with a child/children? Would you be able to do it?
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About the Author
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- From: alternative_mom@xanga
- Name: alternative_mom
- About Me: I'm a different kind of mom. I'm not your typical SUV driving, suburban mom. I'm younger than some mothers. My step daughter was born April 27, 2006 and my son February 15, 2009. He was seven weeks early and spent 25 days in the NICU. I'm currently not married to his father but we are planning to elope here really soon. His father truly is my soul mate and means the world to me. I currently don't work but I just completed my first semester of college but sadly I will no be returning due to school issues. I love my son with my everything. But I definitely feel I have a different take on motherhood and parenting. And life in general.
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Comments (20)
I dont see a problem with it... I dont think someone is tainted because they have a kid. When I was dating on of my boyfriends had a daughter, and I think one of the things that really drew me to him was watching him with his daughter and how good of a dad he was! Oh and congrats on the wedding by the way :D
Yes, I think I could. I think that a lot of people just don't understand that the SO had a life before you, and that's okay...
I don't see a problem with it. One of the girls I'm interested in now has a two year old son. I can kinda understand where people are coming from, saying that the person can dump alot of baggage on you, or what if the kid develops an attachment to you, or vice versa. But for me, I don't really mind.
I'm recently single, and I think it would be weird to date someone who didn't have a kid. I have an 18 month old son and I want to know whoever i'm with can have a great relationship with a child. Obviously, you don't have to be a parent to be able to handle children, but for some reason, I just don't see myself with someone who doesn't have a kid. I'm not saying if I fell for someone who didn't have a child, I'd automatically write them off, because I wouldn't, I would just prefer that they be an experienced parent before using my son as their guinea pig.
Well I'm only 18 so...if I was single and they were like 17--20 and had a small kid I wouldn't really have a problem.
The challenge is not generally with the child it is accepting a 3rd adult into the relationship. Most people in the honeymoon stage of their relationship vastly underestimate the effect that the other biological parent is going to have on THEIR life and the life of their family for many, many years to come.
I can't say that I would never do it again...it's a case-by-case basis, as are most things in life...but it's hard. Especially when discipline comes into the picture...phew, there's an ugly headache that I'm *not* in a hurry to repeat!
I tried it and I couldn't do it. It's not for everyone.
i dont see anything bad about it, its actually a bonus and not because the guys look cute with a kid (the guys still the same with or without kid next to him) but its becaue it shows some responsbility and more mature and understanding mind
I dont think I could.
His daughter always comes first?? Do you mean that was the case when you were dating, or even now that you're in a committed relationship? I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with the "kids first" mentality. If you're in a committed relationship, like marriage, the focus should be #1 spouse, #2 kids, #3 job or whatever else. If you reverse the order of kids and spouse, the spouse will always feel like they're inferior or competing for love and affection. Children grow up better when their parents' relationship is strong.
I wouldn't mind. As long as the mama isn't psycho or something.
@averyswife@xanga -I had something completely different until I really thought about what you said. I'm talking about dating. Not being married. Because in a marriage you work as a team, as a unit. But when you are dating it is a little different. Our relationship as changed since deciding to get married and having a child together ourselves. But when we were dating, I did feel it was important to put his daughter over me. That's his child. I was just his girlfriend. He is a parent before he is anything else. But in a marriage, you do work as a team so I could see how you would put your spouse first. But I always felt our children should be the most important.
I can understand why people are afraid. When you start dating is one of those major-challenging parenting moments, so the poor person you're dating is jumping right into the fire.
been there, done that and I am thankful I am married now!
One of my best friends for many years got a girl pregnant. Her and I were friends (kindof) and she asked me to be there when the baby was born. Then she refused to hold the baby, or have anything to do with her. Guess who got to hold baby? Me!
Her mom disappeared the day she got released from the hospital, and that was 12 years ago.
He and I dated for the first 3 years of her life. One night I came to the realization that I did not love him romantically, though I loved (and still love) him as a very dear friend. Because I loved them both I had to walk away. She considers me her mom, though she knows what happened with her bio-mom (who passed away 2 years ago.. long story) and we still keep in touch. He has also adopted a 14 (he was 11 at the time) year old boy from his ex-wife (they were married less then 3 days when he found out his now ex abused both kids.. even longer story).
Would I do it again?
THats not something I ever have to worry about. But every day of our relationship we focused on what was best for HER. He has a life long commitment to his daughter, relationships are easier to end.
There are some cases that it might not work out good but I don't see any further not trying...You need to probably consider the children's age though (18 year old wife and a 19 year old daughter) as I heard once in a song
It's not for me. And I have dated six guys with kids. I mean for one, it's just wierd to know that he went through that stage of life with someone else and I can't experience my first with him and it be his first too. Not to mention, 80% of those relationships ended because of the baby momma. They are more hassle than the kids themselves.
I'm also not a natural "kid" person and I find it very akward being around them. IDK It's just totally not for me, and I am too young to be worrying about it anyways; I'm 19.
I have a rule against dating men with children. 1. I don't like or want kids, so I know I'd be a horrible, unwilling step-mother. 2. My parents are divorced and I remember my dad's girlfriends came in two categories: over-compensating asskissers who went annoyingly above and beyond for our affections, and the indifferent or resentful crazies who threw spatulas.
So no. If I find out a guy has kids on the first date, I bow out gracefully then and end it on amicable terms.
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Well I am the one with a baby and it isnt a matter of "putting the baby first". The bigger question is finding things to do between the three of you. Im in college so that sorta makes things more complicated but me and my boyfriend keep things G-rated. Surely we would like to have time to ourselves but I know he cares deeply for and my baby. Sometimes i feel like I dont want him to feel obligated to but he reassures me that he wouldnt have it any other way. Having a baby is a real responsibility so its a matter or sharing your time with others. If you can manage that, it should be easy. Im still trying to master watching a movie with all three of us.lol.