Friday, 16 October 2009
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Children Before Marriage
My fiance and I had discussed getting married before we got pregnant. We had been friends and worked together for about two to three years before we ever got together. We knew each other really well so it was no surprise to me that the discussion of marriage and children came up within the first six months of our relationship.
My fiance and I planned our son. I personally feel having a child with someone is more of a commitment than marrying them. By having a child with someone you are stuck with them for life. Some say it's only until they are 18, but that's untrue. You still have to see the other parent on Holidays and special occasions for the child. But if you were to marry someone, never have children and later divorce, you never have to see them again.
Personally, marriage is just a piece of paper to me at this point. My fiance and I run our household as if we are already married. By us finally tying the knot, I'm just changing my name really.
How do you feel about children before marriage? Is having children with someone more of a commitment than getting married?
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About the Author
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- From: alternative_mom@xanga
- Name: alternative_mom
- About Me: I'm a different kind of mom. I'm not your typical SUV driving, suburban mom. I'm younger than some mothers. My step daughter was born April 27, 2006 and my son February 15, 2009. He was seven weeks early and spent 25 days in the NICU. I'm currently not married to his father but we are planning to elope here really soon. His father truly is my soul mate and means the world to me. I currently don't work but I just completed my first semester of college but sadly I will no be returning due to school issues. I love my son with my everything. But I definitely feel I have a different take on motherhood and parenting. And life in general.
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Comments (30)
I believe that children are more of a commitment than marriage. I personally don't have an issue with the idea of kids before marriage, though my fiance's parents are steadfast against it.
What really amuses me, though, is that my fiance was born out of wedlock.
Oh well.
Cheers,
Taylor
I agree children are more commitment than marriage. Being married or not being married never says the the other person is going to be there. so I think before marriage after marriage it doesn't matter, as long you both want a child, or aleast one of them.
@alternative_mom@xanga -
Of course having a child is more of a commitment.
But you should enjoy the idea of marriage. The freedom to be able to freely marry anyone has been hard-earned by previous generations. And gay rights activists are working hard to have that right - that piece of paper. I think you are taking it for granted now that everyone can marry anyone, but previously marriage was defined as a union between a white man and white woman. No one else could marry.
At the end of the day, it may just be a piece of paper, but some are willing to fight and even die in order for the right to have that piece of paper.
I believe having children with someone is a much greater commitment than marrying them.
It's funny though, My fiance and I began dating two months after meeting, and were talking about marriage one month after the time we began dating. I think it's so cool that we get to learn more about eachother together. Some people think it's crazy, but I think it's amazing. To feel so strongly about someone, not caring the amount of time you've known the person.
We're would like to have children in 3 or 4 years. I hope it happens that way.. we have a bunch to do before embarking on that marvelous adventure called "Children!"
@Starring_Hobo89@xanga - I completely understand where you are coming from. I myself am for gay rights. And you are right. I wouldn't say I take it for granted. Its just not something that is that important to me. I understand that people would die for the right but I just never felt like 'marriage' should matter like that in a relationship. AS long as you are together, that's what should matter,
And just for the record, I am for gay rights. I understand why they fight for the right to be married. And they deserve the right just as much as a heterosexual couple. Marriage, to me, just isn't something that have ever been that important to me. But I really do apperciate your opinion.
I wouldn't want to have a child outside of marriage because I wouldn't feel that I could provide the best life for my child. Marriage to me is the most sacred bond/commitment on earth. My husband and I do not believe in divorce so we are determined to work through whatever issues arise, rather than just breaking up as some do. Because of our commitment to each other, we are providing a very secure environment for our child(ren). That's just my belief and opinion on it. :)
I totally agree. The pastor who wed my husband and I said that no matter what happens in a marriage, your number one priority as parents should be to provide your children with 2 parents who not only love and respect them, but also love and respect each other. Laws and ceremonies mean nothing to a child. Mommies and Daddies (whether they have one of each or two of one makes no difference, not to mention step-parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, foster families- whomever is raising the child) who love them is what matters.
Sharing holidays and visitation rights with someone is not a commitment, it's an obligation. Personally, I believe having children with your spouse is another facet of marriage, but is not necessarily more of a commitment. But it's different for everybody. Our son is 10 weeks old today, and we've realized that as long as we honor our vows to each other and work hard everyday to make our marriage the best it can be under any circumstances, then everything else will fall into place. It's easy to forget about making efforts in your marriage when you have kids, because they demand so much of you as parents. My pro-marriage stance is purely personal and not something I think is for everyone. And it has nothing to do with religion - I just never wanted children outside of marriage.
People will do what is best for them. I don't believe being married is a requirement for having kids but if that is what the couple wants then that's what matters.
I was 5 months pregnant with my oldest on our wedding day.
I like how you put that, and to me, there is a big difference between a committed couple having a baby whether planned or unplanned, and irresponsible pregnancies. If a committed couple wants to have a baby or has one unplanned that is between them, it shouldn't matter if they are married or not.
And it's very true, seeing the other parent doesn't stop when they turn 18, life events happen after 18, high school graduation may happen after 18, college graduation, marriage and children of their own, future birthday parties and events for grandkids.
Having a baby is a big responsibility, and until you posted this I had never thought about it, but you are right, it is in lots of ways a bigger commitment.
I agree. My fiance and I have a 6 month old together and we did think about getting married before she got here, but ultimately decided no, we're not going to rush it. We've lived together for about a year and a half now, and we've known we were going to get married for about two years now. There's no question that we care about each other and neither one of us is going anywhere. We're already a fully functional little family, so marriage is only a piece of paper to us at this point. It happens when it happens--not a big deal to me.
I think it is. people get married just for show now these days and can just go about their daily lives like nothing ever happened once they are divorced.
I just think if people are to have children before they get married or plan to get married, that they should commit to the child's well being because he or she is affected by the parent's interactions.children are with you until the day you die. even if people do think "oh! i only have to see him til the baby is 18. so thats good" Um, no. What about college graduation, weddings, your child's baby shower? no one thinks of that.
marriage doesn't mean that much to me, but commitment does. if you can financially and emotionally support children, go for it.
Children are always a blessing, before or after marriage, but having children together, *at least these days* is no more a guarantee than that piece of paper.
The three big religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) say sex before marriage is bad and against God Almighty. What you o is your buisness but its better to be in a long term relationship so your kids have that type of stability in their lives. How do you know for sure that your boyfriend won't leave you when you get pregnant? Marriage is a better way to ensure long lasting commitment if you ask me but then maybe I'm biased because I got married for love and because I wanted to, not for show or to make other people happy.
@DirtyAndShaken@xanga - I totally agree.
Having a kid together doesn't equal commitment. It should be a commitment to love that kid, but it's not a commitment to each other. Couples have babies all the time and don't end up staying together. Marriage is a commitment to another person. Nowadays that commitment is very often broken on down the road, but it's still a commitment and should be a life-long one.
@averyswife@xanga - exactly.
i'd never have kids before getting married. having a kid doesn't signify a commitment to your significant other. it signifies a commitment to your kid. marriage however is a commitment to your spouse, as well as your child. i'd want my child to have the satisfaction of knowing that they have a normal family, with a mom and a dad who are married and love each other (i'd like that satisfaction for myself as well). aside from that, i don't want someone i'm simply dating or engaged to, to think they can just get up and leave. if my boyfriend/fiance decides to leave me and our child, he can, and legally, he'll owe no responsibility to either of us. however, if we are married and he decides to get up and leave, he'll have to go through court, papers, child support payments, etc..
@soyeahthatswhathappened@xanga - @averyswife@xanga - @muslim_mom@xanga -
I apperciate all of your views. And I understand them and see where you are coming from. But I personally don't feel I need to marry the man I love to be committed to him. I trust him enough not to leave me. And please don't take offense to this but any man and anytime married or not can up and leave if he wants. Marriage shouldn't seem like a trap but a choice. I do want to get married and I'm excited too. But I personally feel it is not needed to be committed. The court papers and can still happen regardless of whether or not he and I are married. I don't need a marriage to show my children what a stable relationship is. And you are right, having achild is not a commitment to your significant other but to the child. But by having a child with someone, to an extent, you are committing yourself to them. To share your lives together for the child. Regardless of marriage or no marriage.
My fiance has a daughter from a previous relationship. They were together for three years before she got pregnant. And no, it wasn't planned but they never planned on getting married. They just didn't feel the need. And they did split up about a year and a half later. But it had nothing to do with their child. They have their personal reasons why things ended for why things ended up the way they did. But to an extent, he does have a commitment to her. To be there and be a good father and stay civil with her. No, its not the same commitment as being married, but it is a commitment to her none the less and to his daughter.
But I do apperciate the different opinions.
I agree. Our daughter will be a year old in November and we're still trying to decide whether or not we really want to marry in December... (I've been there, done that and, frankly, found the t-shirt to be of rather thin quality.) We live together, make financial decisions together, don't bother correcting people when they assume that we're married, etc. so what difference does it really make? (Aside from the legal stand point in case of death, since the car is solely in my name and the house in Tim's...and that I don't have the option of having health insurance through Tim's employer.)
In the end, it's whatever works for the people involved -- if it's important to you to be married before kids? By all means, have at it.
I definitely believe you should be married before you have kids. I agree with some of the other's saying that having kids together is not a committment, but rather an obligation.And why would you want to be "committed" to someone that you are no longer with anyway?? Marriage is a committment, especially when you don't believe in divorce (like I do). I believe its important for children to have both parents living with them, and to see them loving each other and working issues out (rather than just giving up).
In general, no. having a child with someone is NOT a sign of commitment. It's just a sign that you're having sex with them. There's a LOT more that goes into the decision of having children (I hope!) than just wanting to show how close you are to someone. Even if you think that's why you're having one, maybe your SO isn't on the same page, and wants kids for another reason.
Marriage, however, is pretty much only there as a symbol of commitment. that's the whole point of it. no mixed signals there.
that said, commitment is definitely important in deciding to have children, but so are so many other things: income, housing situation, age, religious beliefs, health.
Some people will never have children, but stay happily married for the rest of their lives. And I'm pretty sure some people I know, had they not had children, their marriage might've stayed together.
I'm not saying that the OP is not committed to her fiance. For her, this may be a better way of showing her feelings that a ceremony and legal change. But I think if you look at the population as a whole, there's no way you can come away with that message.
(disclaimer- i love babies and want desparately to have them with my husband. but not as badly as i wanted to marry him. I wanted that pretty bad. )
You marrie and then have children..I have a long long persanol storie behind all of this but to keep from disfuncion junkion I'm not even going to say..
Personally I believe marriage is a waste of time.
Its a piece of paper. I don't need a piece of paper to show how much I love someone.
Marriage is great. But wheres the point?
I wish we had got married I would love to have his last name but that wasn't a option as we where only 17 at the time and our parents didn't want us to because we where/are to young.
I never wanted to get married but I hate the looks people give me when they see i have a child but no ring on my finger.