Saturday, 03 October 2009

• What If?

  
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  I know that probably all of us have played the "what if" game at least a few times in our lives. I certainly have been known to do so.

  For those of you that know me well, I make no secret that I am Christian and firm in my beliefs. I say that only because I often wonder how fate fits into my belief system. I would like to say that I believe in fate, but the other part of me realizes that God has had my life mapped out since before I was even born. I think often times I like to view things as fate, but realize that isn't necessarily the case. I realize others believe differently and respect that. You won't come here and find me bashing your belief system.

  So, back to the "what ifs" of life. I have many what if moments to choose from.

  "What if" Matt (not the hubby, my first Matt)  had called me like he promised that Christmas break before he headed back to school? Had he called I would have never agreed to go out with that stupid guy that Shannon begged to set me up with.

  What if I hadn't felt so angry at Matt and hadn't jumped into a relationship with stupid guy mentioned above?

  What if I hadn't said yes when stupid guy proposed just a few short months later?

  What if Matt had called a week prior to said proposal instead of a week later?

  What if I had agreed to see Matt in spite of being engaged?

  What if I had taken my dad up on his offer to turn around and run out of the church just moments before I walked down the aisle to get married?

  What if I walked away the first time things began to turn bad?

  What if my dad hadn't died when I needed him the most?

  What if I had just agreed to remain in Texas and give in to their demands?

  What if I had ever once stood up to my family and told them where they could stick it? Oh wait, I did that. Nevermind.

  To answer all those "what ifs" is easy. I wouldn't have had any of my children. There would be no Garrett, Whitney, Alyssa, Caleb, or Emily.

  I wouldn't have had the courage to discover my own path if my dad had not passed away. I lost my one source of support and it required me to reach inside of myself and find the strength that he always told me was there.

  I would have most likely not survived had I remained in Texas. I will leave it at that.

  The point of all this is; life is full of defining moments. Do we forget where we put our keys and that puts us five minutes later on the road leading to the bridge that collapses four minutes earlier? Do we take a left instead of a right and meet the person that we were meant to spend our lives with? Is it fate or is it our prewritten destiny? Does it really matter as long as we are pleased with the results?

  Had I not suffered through an abusive childhood I would not have had low self esteem. Had I not had low self esteem I wouldn't have allowed Matt to control my emotions. Had Matt not been allowed to control my emotions, I wouldn't have been angry that he didn't call. Had I not been angry,  I wouldn't have gone out with some idiot. Had I not gone out with said idiot, he wouldn't have proposed. Had he not proposed I wouldn't have married him. Had I not married him I wouldn't have my first three children. Had I not suffered the loss of my father I would have never realized that life is too short to live in an unhappy marriage. Had I not left my marriage I wouldn't have met my second Matt. Had I not met Matt I wouldn't be in California and I wouldn't have two more amazing children. I also wouldn't have three step children that I adore.

  I began blogging as a way to write Emily's story. I guess you could say but for my mother and her evil way of raising children, there would be no blog. So, thanks Mom.

  Where did the "what ifs" of your life take you?

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