Wednesday, 30 September 2009

  • Why Is It So Bad To Have More Than One Kid?


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    I think it's great that we've pulled ourselves out of the mindset that women only exist to do housework and pop out babies, it's what makes us greater than some countries who still have not removed themselves from that. But why is it such a bad thing if that's what a woman wants to do?

    I know plenty of women who either want big families, are working on big families or already have them, myself included. I would like to have six kids. When I tell people that, they make some crazy assumption that I'm a sex fiend. Since when are we back in the days that sex is only for procreation? I don't want six kids so I can have a lot of sex; I want six kids because I like the mentality that most big families have. They put family first, and family is the most important thing to them. Which is how it should be for all of us, it's just more apparent in larger families. Plus, I think it would be fun to have that many kids, so long as I can provide for all of them.

    A young mom at my church is working on her big family. She has two daughters, she's pregnant with her first son, and she wants more than that. The children are very well loved and provided for, very well behaved, and have the same dad. Recently, she was approached in line at the post office by someone who didn't even know her, who assumed that her kids all had more than one father! The person proceeded to tell her what a "selfish" and "irresponsible" decision she was making. Since when did children, especially planned ones, become more than a blessing? Furthermore, why does anyone think they have the right to make assumptions about other people's children?

    I know some of you through reading this post have been thinking "Because there are so many babies in the world already who need to be adopted." Okay, and they should be adopted, but why does that mean a mother should be stripped of her privilege to have her own children? Many mothers I know, my own included, love/d being pregnant and the feeling of finally holding their baby, should nobody ever have that just because there are babies unfortunate enough to not have parents? Aside from that, I can't help but feel like the people who so loudly protest their belief that mothers who don't adopt are selfish don't really know much about the option of adopting. It is quite a hassle, it's very expensive to get the child, plus possible travel costs, especially when adopting from a foreign country. Not to mention most places have their own policies, no matter where you go. In Malawi, you have to live there for six months to adopt a child. Malawi is a very poor country, as well as a very diseased one, not many people would be willing to live there six months.

    How do you feel about big families? Do you come from one, have one, or want one? Why do you think there is such a stigma attached to them?

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Comments (141)

  • DirtyAndShaken@xanga

    I don't want a big family myself, but I have much respect for those who choose that road.  One of my good military family friends had 10 kids - by choice - by the time she was 31.  She grew up in a large family and she and her husband had always planned it that way.  It irritates me to no end when people give the 'but there are so many kids to be adopted' argument.  That's true, but why should that hinder someone from having their own kids?  We procreate.  It's kind of what we are designed for!  It's like the Duggars.  I know it's unconventional and a little lavish, but I dislike it when people say mean things about that family.  They are more stable than most families with one or two kids!  the only thing I can guess about people that have such a problem with them is that perhaps they are uncomfortable with the idea of raising so many kids and feel that everyone else should be, too.
  • MangoWOW@xanga

    Going to be honest: I didnt read past the first couple sentences but I felt like skipping the meat of this and answering the question.
    I dont care if you have a big family.
    But I think it's ridiculous to have a ridiculously-large one.
    By that I mean... once you hit 6 it's already weird but whatever.... but past that and I'll give you stares. Mean ones. lol

    But in the end I don't care as long as you can provide for your kids on your own.
  • whitetrashpoet@xanga

    I agree, except for one thing.

    It's expensive to adopt from private agencies and foreign countries.
    In MOST counties, you can adopt from the county Children Services for less than 5,000, and most counties in my state have programs to cover those costs for you (all legal fees). Healthcare is provided by the state until the child(ren) reaches age 18. And you get a 10,000 tax credit.
    It's expensive to adopt a newborn white baby from a sixteen year old ultra-Christian who made a mistake. It's not expensive to adopt the half-white eight week old from the state.

    But yeah...I believe it's great to have a big family...BUT...there are limits. I lived in a small, primarily Catholic town growing up. There were many large families. And a woman dearly loved by the community died giving birth to her fourteenth or fifteenth child. That's ridiculous. I mean, she was a great woman. A smart woman. A great mother. And now all of those children are left without her.

    Plus, I sometimes wonder how difficult it would be to have more kids than could fit into say...a minivan. How do you all travel together?? Unless you buy one of those giagantor vans. I don't know.

    To each their own. I have my opinions, but honestly, unless someone is genuinely being a bad parent by expanding their family (like bad welfare moms, having kids to increase that check), I don't care, and will probably say all the more power to you - I definitely couldn't do it.

    I want one to three kids. One biological, one or two adopted.

  • ELIZerson@xanga

    I come from a family of 4 kids.

    I'd like to have 3-5.  Biological and/or adopted.  We'll see what happens.
  • walkintotheseaaa@xanga

    When someone says they want a lot of kids, I don't think, "OH WOW SEX FIEND."  I think, "OWW."


    My career and husband come first in my future, and maybe one child.  Two is a very unlikely stretch.  No more, no way.
  • sugartomyhoney@xanga

    I have only one sister, so no I didn't grow up in a large family.  I have 5 children of my own.  Not huge but not small and I think it's perfect :)
  • Miz_Runi@xanga

    My dad LOVES kids so that's why I have one older and one younger brother. I some times feel that if I never have any brothers that I can be living in a 2-story house with a pool and a bigger room since my dad is an engineer for NASA, but since both of my brothers are such smarty-pants, they keep sucking away the family's money education-wise (school tuition, dorming, gas for car, clubs, sports, etc etc T_T). We're not living THE dream, but we're pretty well-off. I mean, as long as the family can financially support the kids (and with love and time of course), then there's no problems with having so many kids. But people like Octo-Mom o_o hmm..well I don't know. But anyways, it's always nice to have a big family. Warmer holiday gatherings that way (: Hmm, that makes me realize that I would love to have lots of grandkids. Haha to see them running around the house in their diapers, face smeared with peanut butter..oh sigh (:
  • Lil_Firefly_25@xanga

    Haha, 6 kids OP?


    I don't want a big family because I know how expensive kids are. I might have 1-2 at most. 
  • princess_riceball@xanga

    I have my one daughter and I'm happy with her.  But that's what makes me happy.  I'm very focused on family I put her first, and I try to make sure that she is well behaved and has good manners. 
    To each their own though on the amount of kids.  If you can take care of them and they make you happy then have them.
  • bunny

    I am the oldest of four children. My husband has 6 other siblings and my big brother-in-law has 10 children.  My husband has all together 22 nephews and nieces (16 nephews and 6 nieces).  We plan on adopting a baby and a 2 year old orphans when we're both done with college. I want at least 6 kids but between 6-10 altogether.  There is nothing wrong with having large families as long as you can afford them and that is easy to do in the Middle East because the living there is cheap.
  • bunny

    And we will be raising our family in Bahrain (Insha Allah) so we don't have to worry about taxes, I'll be homeschooling our kids for Kindergarten and then they'll be going to school in Saudi Arabia which is 25 minutes away (across the bridge) in school in maybe Al-Khobar or Damman and the Saudi Government pays for the child's education from 1st to 12th grade. I strongly believe that my purpose is to have children and frankly I love kids which is why I want to be a mommy.  But then I respect my natural role in society to be a wife and mother first.  Career doesn't matter to me.
  • Kait82521@xanga

    @whitetrashpoet@xanga - Thank you thank you thank you for pointing all that about adoption! My husband and I are adopting our two mixed racial children and our agency is constantly asking us if we're interested in a mixed or black or hispanic newborn boy because no one wants them. So yeah, you can make adoption a big expensive thing. OR you can adopt one of the kids in our country that no one wants because they aren't a perfectly healthy white baby girl. I get so sick of people saying they won't adopt because it's so pricey. It's crap. They won't adopt because they seem to think that they need to reproduce because, apparently, their genetics are so superior that they need to grace the planet with more of them.

    In response to the question posed in this - I don't care how many kids you have so long as you are able to provide for their physical and emotional needs. I do take issue with people who have 18 kids because I don't think any two parents can adequately meet the emotional needs of that many kids.

    Personally, I want five children for many of the same reasons outlined in here. We're adopting our first two now and have plans to start paper-chasing for number three (and possibly four) about a year from now. However I do believe that big family mentality has to be cultivated and doesn't just happen when you have multiple children.

  • averyswife@xanga

    A couple of points:
    1) Kids are only as expensive as you allow them to be.
    2) Women should be allowed to have as many children as they want, as long as they and their families are footing the bill.
    3) The same people who say abortion should be completely legal oftentimes are the same people who say women should only have 2.5 children...excuse me but, what?  A woman's body is her own when she wants to kill her baby but not when she wants to give birth??


    I have 3 siblings and my husband has 6.  We're going to have as many kids as God allows us to have.  If that means only two, so be it, but if that means twelve, I'm loving it!

  • opster25

    @averyswife@xanga - agree 100%.. I am can not have anymore due to my medical problems. but we do plan on adopting. 



    but we have 4 and that is great but we get alot of stares..

  • glorious_and_free@xanga

    I love big families, and I would love to have a big family.  My husband and I each only have 1 sibling, but our parents all come from huge families.  I'm kind of sad that my kids won't have as many cousins as I did.  I am due with baby #3 in December, and I've noticed a HUGE difference in people's attitudes towards me this pregnancy.  Everyone was excited about the first, and the second was great and everyone said our family was perfect (we have a girl and a boy).  What is up with that?  Would it be imperfect if we had 2 girls?  But with this pregnancy, everyone is like "Oh... how many kids are you planning on having...?"  It's bizarre.  Like 3 kids is even a big family.  I have a couple friends with 6+ kids, and I consider that big.  But I love those families, I think they are the coolest people!  I admire them so much.  But that's just my opinion.  I have no problem with people who choose to be child-free or just have 1 or 2.  I also have a HUGE amount of respect and admiration for families who foster and adopt.  I would love to adopt some day, but my husband so far is not up for that (he was adopted himself and still has some lingering issues with that I think).  I don't know why there is such a stigma with big families.  I think every family is awesome, no matter how many kids (or even if any), as long as everyone is loved and cared for.
  • swayXX@xanga

    Mothers shouldn't be "stripped" of their right to have babies, but it's selfish of you to have more than enough children to replace yourself and husband. I'm all for having kids. I haven't had any yet (I'm 19) but I know I will have some when I'm older. But there are so many people in the world. We are using up resources, we are killing ourselves, destroying the planet, etc. Sure you can have kids, but only one or two, maybe three. After that, maybe adopt if you want more? Your mentality may be "Well it's just a couple more," but that's why they call it "multiplying." Remember that you're not the only one with that mentality and the babies add up and to ignore that fact just because you don't wanna is selfish. Our species isn't at risk of going extinct, we don't need to leave behind three people for every one. It's not a matter of if you can take care of them all (although obviously that does matter greatly), but a matter of thinking about how the world doesn't need more people, and how there are already babies out there without homes.

    So I say have 2, maybe 3 kids tops, then adopt if you want more.
  • filtered_sunlight

    I don't really feel one way or the other about people who want big families. I never wanted one because I saw the headache my mother's gone through with her siblings in stark contrast to my simple, peaceful life as an only child. Tim (also an only child) feels the same way after watching his aunts and uncles over the years. Different folks, different strokes.


    I really don't get people thinking your a sex fiend though. lol. Have they had kids? It's not exactly a "sexy" process...

  • youaintjam@xanga

    The problem with big families nowadays lies with our planetary situation.  Human population has become so overblown that if each couple were to have six kids, the planet would no longer be able to produce enough food to feed them all.  So in that sense it's selfish. You are taking a bigger piece of the pie, in theory.  That doesn't necessarily mean that your large family will consume more than another smaller family in reality, but considering the carbon footprint that an average American leaves, we are doomed if we continue living our lifestyle AND have big families.

  • paper_swords@xanga

    i love big familes. i come from a very small one. i'd love to have 4 or more kids or my own, however they aren't cheap, i don't think i could ever (few wages are big enough) afford more
  • cafengocmy@xanga

    Those who have many children in traditional families do not have to die in nursing homes.
  • songbird27@xanga

    Although my hubby and I come from families with 3 kids, we both have one parent who came from a large family (my mom, and his dad) and one parent that came from a small family (my dad, his mom).  We both love the large family end of it.  We have 2 kids right now.  We'd like to have around 5, but we have a blood condition that could keep us from having more naturally.  I think at that point we'd we wouldn't seek out adoption necessarily, but we've both agreed that we'd love to be foster parents.  If that circumstance leads to adoption we'd be thrilled!
  • XxFireXboltxX@xanga

    @averyswife@xanga - completely agree!!!

    I love being a wife and a mother. The two best things in the world!!!!
  • XxFireXboltxX@xanga

    @youaintjam@xanga - People in general leave a ridiculous sized carbon foot-print, it is all about choices. I choose to put my child (and however many other children we have) in cloth diapers, we line-dry our clothes, I breastfeed, we are in the process of starting our own garden, along with many other steps we are making to make our lives more eco-friendly. I plan on teaching this to my children....and we plan on having a large family. If people could make responsible choices about our environment, it wouldn't be an issue what size family people had.

  • bubbelcat@xanga

    So much to say about so many misconceptions about larger families.  First of all concerning the cost of raising children:  Someone else said it already, children are only as expensive as you allow them to be.  American children, by and large, could live with 10% of what they have in terms of toys and clothes and be HAPPIER than they are now.  American children are overindulged and overwhelmed by the bombardment of materialism they face daily.  Secondly children are not owed a college education and the ones that appreciate it the most are the ones who have to work for it because they know its value.  Want proof?  Just look at the comparative productivity rate of socialist countries where college is provided for free compared to the US.  Another big expense is homes.....we only think we need more space because we've bought into the lie that each child deserves their own bedroom with their own tv, etc. etc.  The truth is this mentality has separated family members physically and emotionally from each other. 

    Now let's talk resources.  Yes, very big families need 12 or 15 passenger vans which guzzle gas but spread that out PER PERSON (as well as home sq. footage) and small families leave a MUCH bigger carbon footprint per person.  Furthermore small families tend to buy newer, larger homes (and vehicles, including green ones) which leaves an enormous carbon footprint compared to buying a pre-existing home or car.   Larger families tend to be more conscious of what they use and they waste less. 

    Responsibility:  Kids in larger families tend to have chores and other responsibilities.  One of the primary culprits of selfishness in our society and particularly in the generation of current 20 somethings is over-parenting.  This mistaken belief that children should be "children" and not have to take responsibility for anything.  Chores, just by themselves, make children more responsible, more charitable and have a better work ethic.  It also makes them more empathetic to others, because of their closeness to their siblings (so long as this was fostered in a positive environment).  They are also less SELF centered (not meaning selfish but meaning having an understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them). 

    Overpopulation:  People PLEASE stop buying into this myth.  The problem is NOT overpopulation, the problem is over consumption.  How many of you who complain about overpopulation are vegetarian?  Beef is one of the main contributors to population in the world.  I see lots of people whining about overpopulation but not an avalanche of vegetarianism.  Do some more research about "overpopulation" from non-biased sources and you will find we are nowhere near capacity. 

    Adoption:  For some people having children is a religious imperative.  I won't argue that point other than to say it is what it is. But if you really want to push adoption why not complain against all of the people using fertility treatments to force their bodies to have children.  Let's look at the waste of money and resources involved there.  Here are people who can't have biological children but WANT to be parents, why not go after them?

    Lastly, being able to care for large families.  In most large families one parent is SAH, oftentimes they homeschool.  This results in a good amount of time/child particularly compared to children who spend 8 hours per day in school (or travelling to and from) and then have extracurricular activities, play with friends, etc.  Throw in 2 working parents and many children in smaller families barely see their parents let alone spend extended periods of time with them. 

    There are so many more things I could address, like the recent study in Britian about kids of working moms have poor nutritional habits compared to those with SAHMs (remember most large family moms SAH), all of the issues with daycare and my personal bias against only children who I find to be obnoxious, self centered and socially ackward.  But I'll leave it at that.
  • bubbelcat@xanga

    @XxFireXboltxX@xanga - Exactly, it's not a coincidence that many large families are also considered "modern homesteaders".  

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