Sunday, 20 September 2009

• TLC: I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

  
  

  I somehow got sucked into the new TLC show, I didn't know I was pregnant.  I watched these women talk about when they went into labor how scared they were and how they thought they were going to die.  Even though I am six months pregnant it still scared me.  Not because I am scared to go into labor, but I am scared of missing out. 
  

  I remember the day I found out I was pregnant.  I sat in my office, in the back room of my store, and cried searching through a phone book trying to any clinic that would give me another test.  I just kept repeating to myself that this store test was a fluke.  There was no way I could be pregnant.  I couldn't remember the last time I had sex with how busy I was in the store. 
  

  However, I could damn well remember how trashed I got many, many nights in a row, and Erick helping me home and taking me back later to get my car.  All I could think of was that if I was pregnant then this baby was going to be brain damaged with all the alcohol I had poured down it's cord.  I remember sitting at my desk with my head in my hands crying with Erick's hand on my back, and thinking I just can't do this right now.  I was a store manager and back to school was right around the corner. 
  

  Erick and I drove to the clinic in silence.  When we found it they scared me even more.  I peed in cup for them, twice, just to be sure.  When the nurse stepped in to tell me the news I couldn't breath.  "Miss Storey, Congratulations...."  That was all I heard.  I was in a daze as they handed me booklets, a baby doll, and an appointment card.  I walked out to the room and to the car in what felt like a fog. 
  

  When I sat in the car, Erick could just see it in my face.  I was pregnant, we were pregnant.  I called my store and told them I was taking the day off.  I never called my DM.  I couldn't bear to tell her that her new, young, store manager was pregnant.  Not the one she had been bragging about to the president.  Erick and I rode back to the apartment, but this time it was far from silence.  The car was filled with yelling, and crying. 
  

  As we walked to the apartment we were still yelling.  Now when I think about I don't even know about what.  I do know that when I walked into our home, and looked at a clock it was about eleven.  When I woke up at about four Erick was sitting on the bed.  He had brought me some soup and he was letting me know his mom was going to stop by after work.  As I ate the soup and I just remember thinking that I had to get in touch some clinics, that now was not the time for this. 
  

  After mom came by and told us that she supported our decision, and left Erick and I sat down to talk.  The word abortion was out of the question.  I am catholic, and I couldn't live with myself.  Erick agreed so we thought that my next day we would look into our other options.  At that point I went back to bed.  I couldn't breath, eat, or think.  It was clear at this point that the stomach flu I had be knocking wasn't a flu.  As I laid there I could hear Erick in the living room crying.  All I could think of was this was going to ruin everything. 
  

  I called the one person I knew would help me feel better, my sister.  Only, she called me a coward.  She said the Stephanie she knew wouldn't give up so easily.  Wouldn't let her own child be given to strangers, because she was fighter and the Stephanie she was talking to was a quitter.  She then informed me that I need to rest.  That the baby could feel everything I was feeling and if I didn't calm down we were both going to be in danger. 
  

  So that night I laid in bed.  Erick stayed home with me, cleaning my vomit bucket every time I was sick.  Around midnight when I finally fell asleep I had a dream.  A dream that was so beautiful that I can't dare to describe it here.  In my dream Jesus told me that I needed to be mother, that I was ready, and that Erick was ready to be father. 
  

  The next morning I was off so I slept in.  When I woke up Erick was cooking pancakes.  We didn't really talk at breakfast, other than me telling him I wanted the baby, and he saying that he supported me.  I let him know that if he wanted to leave he could, that I would ask that he help when the time came.  He assured me he wasn't going anywhere. 
  

  As the next passed, we didn't speak much.  We were very tense, fighting, a lot.  When it was time for me to go the doctor I was scared.  Only, as I laid on the table and listening to the heart beat and looking at what looked like a shrimp on the screen I was suddenly filled with joy.  When I looked over to see Erick crying, I knew that everything was going to be okay. 

  My whole pregnancy has been far from perfect.  I am sick all the time, I faint, and because of my titled uterus I am usually in pain.  Erick has been amazing taking care of me and working after the doctor said I had to choose between the baby or my job due to the fainting and stress.  I remember hearing those words, and thinking how will we live?  It was really cute as we were sitting in the car and Erick looked over and ask, "So when are you quitting, now?  Or are you working your two weeks?"  I thought we would never make it.  As the days of fainting and depression wearied on I just kept thinking this will never be over.  Now here it is six months later and I can't imagine another life, other than not being pregnant and having a beautiful baby. 

  When I see these mothers on the show I just keep thinking how could they have missed so much.  I am six months now, and from reading and talking to other moms I found just about everyone is sick in their first trimester.  How would they have missed the puking?  The constipation?  The first heartbeat?  I couldn't imagine not knowing until BAM baby was here. 
  

  I am terrified of missing out on anything.  I don't how I could have live with myself if I had missed the finding out I was pregnant.  The first heart beat.  The ultrasounds and seeing her face.  Finding out she was a she.  This is the sole reason my husband and I decided I am going to be a stay at home mom for a while.  I can't imagine missing her first smile, laugh, sitting up, crawling, and everything else.  I feel awful for these women. Even though my pregnancy hasn't been perfect I would hate it if I had missed any of it. 

  Does anyone feel the same way I do?

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