Saturday, 12 September 2009

• My Life Is Defined By Poop

  
  

  I wrote a different entry under this title that I kept private, because it was basically me vomiting my emotions on the screen and I didn't want to plaster all of you with that kind of disgusting display of tantrum. And as usually happens in my upchuck journal entries, I wrote myself back into reality. I do that a lot. When I try to talk myself out of swamp of emotions, I end up trash-talking myself in the mirror. But for some reason, writing always brings me back to the truth, even if I don't want to look at it.

  So once I came back being sane and reasonable, I thought "Hm. That's a great title. I should use that." Heh. Xanga, you are my creative sanity. You let me know I've still got it.

  But no matter how much creativity I may have, it will never be surpassed by the amount of POOP I deal with on a daily basis.
  

  I have four categories of poop to deal with.
  
  1 -Newborn Poop: Peter is eight weeks old and has put four onesies, one receiving blanket, and one of my most dependable skirts permanently out of commission. For those who aren't aware, newborns who breastfeed poop yellow until they start eating solid food. It's liquid, golden-yellow, slightly seedy looking poop. Explosive diapers are not uncommon. And my baby boy is a ninja pooper. He doesn't give much warning-if any at all. No major grunting, no red face, no "gassy smile" (the smile babies get which people say don't count because they do it while they're trying to fart instead of smiling from happiness--but really, aren't YOU happy when you rip a good one?! Gassy smiles should totally count.)... No, Peter is sneaky. He looks all adorable and the next thing you know, a yellow stain is seeping onto your lap. Don't be fooled by that innocent face!
  

  

  2 -Toddler Poop: Josiah is getting closer and closer to his 2nd birthday, which means I'm starting to buy the occasional pack of pull-ups whenever I feel optimistic about potty-training. He tells us when he has to poop, which he seems to do most often while we're all sitting down to eat dinner. This kid has got STINKY poop, okay, so ignoring the words "I poop" is not an option--especially when we're trying to eat. (Not that I ever DO ignore such things... ) Josiah, unlike his little brother, gives you lots of warning. He gets that deer-in-the-headlights look about it, like he can't believe this inevitable thing is about to happen AGAIN. Potty-training will be fun. Ohhh yes. So much fun.

  3 -Potty-Trained Poop: Celeste is officially potty-trained (YES! *does victory dance*) but we're still working on technique. For example, a story that will probably continue to haunt her at family gatherings all through college (especially since I'm immortalizing it on the internet) is that at her uncle's wedding rehearsal dinner, she went to use the bathroom all by herself and came out with her dress hiked up under her armpits and underwear in one hand. She walked past the entire family of the bride to come find me so I could help her put her underwear on (she gets it backwards a lot). I was just glad we were at her grandma's house and not somewhere even more public... 

  Anyway, on the topic of potty technique, I still have to help her get cleaned up when she poops because for some odd reason she can't quite do that bit on her own yet. So I'm STILL dealing with poop with the POTTY-TRAINED child!!

  4 -Horse Poop: Okay, so I gotta be real with you. I was thinking about making fun of when Eric stinks up our bathroom, but my over-active honesty wouldn't let me do so without admitting that I stink up the bathroom as well, and then it's just not funny anymore because let's face it--everybody stinks it up at some point during their lives. So instead, I give you horse poop. ("Ohhhhh... Thank you," you say, unenthusiastically.) I have to deal with this kind of poop on a daily basis as well because it is all over the roads I travel nearly every day. Sometimes there's so much on the road I can't help but hit it with a tire or two, no matter how deftly I manuever around the manure (haha sorry, couldn't help myself), and then I get to take the lovely aroma back home with me. Sometimes, when the sun's shining brilliantly all day, the smell of it baking on the roadside filters in through my windows. There are definitely downsides to living side-by-side with an Amish community...

  *sigh* See? My life is defined by poop. I am dealing with poop every day and in large quantities. I have my days when I wish I could do something other than be Mommy in Amishtown, USA. Sometimes I want to run, just get away and start over. Maybe try school again, maybe backpack my way around Europe, maybe train for an Olympic event--you know, whatever! Anything that requires a lot of "me" time. :p
  But in reality, this dealing with poop gig ain't so bad. Having three wonderful kids, a loving hard-working husband, and a beautiful (albeit messy) house by the age of 24? Not too bad at all.
  

  ~Dirty Job Expert, Victoria

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