I live at home with my mother and daughter. It's helpful because my mom is there to watch her when I need to and help out whenever possible.
Lately, there have been some... parenting issues between us... My mother thinks my baby is hers. I know. It sucks completely. The worse part is that she doesn't care about what I say I should do with her. My opinion doesn't count in this household.
My mother insisted that we have to put cereal in my baby's bottle because her friend's baby had acid reflux and they had to put a little in his to help him keep it down. I said "No. She is fine." Before I know it, my mother hands me a bottle with rice cereal, poked giant holes in all her nipples and expected me to go along with it. She took my baby and gave it to her anyway. Now she thinks she HAS to put cereal in EVERYTHING or "the baby will be hungry all the time". On top of that, she made the holes so big that the baby was drinking too fast and was choking sometimes. So we had to invest in a butt-load of new nipples. Gosh...
My daughter's bed is in my room because I'm not comfortable with her sleeping alone yet. (She still wakes up in the middle of the night occasionally) Now that my daughter's father moved out, grandmother thinks it's ok to just barge into my room and take MY child back to her room to sleep. I have woken up baby-less every day since the middle of June. She says, "You sleep too hard. You'll never wake up to get her." Well, I've been waking up just fine since she was born and now that daddy doesn't live here anymore, I can't wake up? Right...
Everything I say, she doesn't think is right. I do TONS of research on baby development and such yet, her "old fashioned ways" are SO much better than scientifically proven facts. Every time I confront her by saying "You know I gave birth to this child. Not you so I should raise her and be responsible for MY child." She ignores me. Thinks I'm just trippin' and she is just helping. I even caught her saying "Mommy is home!" one day when she returned from shopping. (Yeah. That's a big WTH) Then she gets mad when I say "Oh! You want me to take care of her now? Are you sure?"
She won't let me take her shopping with me or out in general. (Too many germs and someone might steal her because I don't watch her properly) Now that my daughter isn't used to going outside the house, she throws fits & screams sometimes like she's agoraphobic now. "I don't hold her right", "That 9 months outfit is too tight, put her in this outfit. It fits better." (It was a 6 month size & my daughter is 7 months. She liked the 6 month one better), "I'm gonna put some braids and oil in your hair!" (My daughter is mixed... Why put oil?)
I love my mother. Having her here to help me with my daughter is great for me since I didn't want to put her in daycare so soon. But some things need to let up. Really. It's far too much.
How could I possibly fix my stubborn mother? How do you feel about over-protective grandparents? Do your parents help too much with your child/children?
Comments (24)
both sets of grandparents for my baby keep telling me what i should do and how to parent and his mom has told me "i'm going to raise her to..." and i'm thinking umm... you're going to raise her? excuse me? and my mom is like "o i cant wait to take her and go away for a weekend" and i'm like...wtf? why do you think i would let you have my baby over night much less for an entire weekend? they just assume that when the baby is born i'm going to like hand my child over to them. thankfully right now the father and i live together but who knows what will happen in the next year but my mom will probably be exactly like yours.
i've been hearing this a lot lately. my sister's in-laws are exactly like that...oh the stories i can tell. i sorta have the opposite problem with my in-laws...for some reason, they are completely clueless. i don't trust them to take a walk with my daughter because i might end up getting a bad call. oh the stories i can tell here as well...
It's a parent thing. My mom and I lived in the same house when my oldest son was born and it was the same thing. I think the thing that the older parent forgets is that it was awful when their parents did this to them. In all honesty she is just trying to be helpful and share what she learned as a parent while you are wanting to figure out what works for you and wanting to do it on your own. One day you will come to a happy medium but I believe that it will require you both living in different houses. That is what finally helped me.
I disagree that it is just a parent thing. Your mother has taken it way beyond that! She won't "let you"???? This is your child and you need to grow a backbone, lay down some ground rules (like YOU decide what your child will eat, where she will go, what she will wear, where she will sleep NOT grandma). If she will not abide by the rules, in my opinion you should tell her to move out. Bite the bullet and find daycare you can trust. If you don't do this now, your mother is only going to get worse and your child is going to learn real fast how to run to grandma to get everything she wants!
wow I am so thankful my parents are nothing like this.
On the other hand, I can see my in-laws being the same way.
And I will politely reply, "I gave birth to this child, buzz off".
And it sounds like the only way to fix your mother is to be bluntly honest with her. She is your daughter, and you have the right to raise her the way you see fit. IF you need help or advice, you will ask, but otherwise your mother should keep her hands and opinions to herself.
The first thing I would do is put a lock (ie hook & eye or chain) on the inside of your door.
Then find someone to care for baby while you and your mom have a heart to heart. Be honest with her about everything. Tell her you love her and appreciate all she has done, then tell her you both need some healthy boundaries. Assure her she did such a wonderful job raising you that she should have no fears over your raising your own daughter. And then gently remind her that you are the one who carried and birthed this baby, and she needs to start respecting that. If she needs something to cuddle and love, get her a puppy or kitten.
IF she is unwilling to at least compromise, it may be time to move elsewhere.
Just my opinion....
Why do you live with her if she's that bad? Jesus Christ, I'd be in prison for homicide if anyone treated me like that, I don't tcare if it's my mother.
.... I spose that's always a pain. x.o
I don't have this problem, thankfully.
Grow a backbone and get the HELL out of her house. Seriously, you will never be able to properly parent your child if you don't.
I know how you feel somewhat. My ex's mother AND grandmother are like that.When my daughter was a baby they all lived together and nothing I said was respected. And just recently his mother had the kids for the day and when she dropped them off she inform me that she was going to take them to her bf's family's house. But because they would have gotten home to late she decided not to go. Now not only are these people like an hour and a half away from me but I've never even met them!!!
I was at home during pregnancy and the first 3 months of my sons life while my husband was deployed. Both the in-laws and my parents are super hands off. They play grandma's role which was great! I didn't have to worry that grandma was overstepping her boundaries and they were a great help while hubby was gone. Now...here's what i think. If you have the resources and are not living with your mother out of necessity, it is time to move out. She needs to be able to play grandma not parent and you need to be able to parent how you see fit. If you are there out of necessity, you need to, tactfully explain your wishes.
@Morningstarrising@xanga - Exactly.
When I was stuck at my grandmother's house, I went through something similar. We did not part on speaking terms and it only ended when I jumped ship.
I know how you feel. thats how it was with my first born, i lived with my parents while i LOVED the help my mom gave me i wasnt too sure about the things she wanted me to do with MY child. they (mom, dad and my sister) still do not respect my parenting and over step boundaries and it makes me mad. I have since kept my kids away and havent seen her only spoke to her on the phone, its easier now that i'm married with another baby, and we live 3 hours away from them. so its eaiser.
I hope things work out for you!!
I hear you loud and clear. Move out as soon as possible as I am doing... baby can always go to grandma's to visit if you need help.
I think if you are having problems, you ought to move out. It's possible she feels it's her right to decide everything since it is her house; which, technically, does mean she can make the rules. If you want power, find your own home to be in charge of.
I'm not saying she's right, because she should let you make decisions, but then, it isn't about her "letting" you do anything. If you choose to stop her I'm sure you can. "No, that is MY child" and take her back, for instance. If she doesn't comply even then, well, then moving out is probably the best option. Visit if you need help.
Honestly i think anyone that has a child and still live with there parents they are going to go thru that, no matter how old, young you are the grandparents take control. but i must say even when u move out its going to still be the same when u go over there except u dont have to deal with it every single day. I know its easier said then done about moving out because of the economy and i dont know how old u are but u should start working on finding a place. Grand parents are going to be grandparents regardless of the living situation. they love there grandchildren and thats never going to change even though it does get very fustrated for us mothers.
For me when my first child was born (i was lving with my mom then) she has all the rules as far as the baby went and she didnt listen to me plus i was young and i just went with what she told me to do because i was a new mom and she did know better then me but it did get frustrating at time i will not lie about that.
Now that im married with three kids, now its whenever i visit my mom or she comes over its like i dont even exsist, The kids run right to grandma for everything and when i try to discipline "MY KIDS" my mother steps in and tells me not to yell at them. I tell my mother not to give them nomore junk food and as soon as my back is turned she is giving it to them anyways. so im telling u now its not going to change, and like i said up above the only thing thats going to be diffrent when u do move out is u wont have to deal with it every single day.
oh that sounds awful. i can't really offor advice since i have no children and hence no demanding inlaws. good luck. i hope it all works out well for your little family xx
stand up for yourself. sit down with her, talk to her, and when things like this happen, go and take YOUR baby from her and tell her 'mom, i'm doing this MY way. you had your chance with me'
Sounds like the sooner you can move out & be on your own, the better for ALL relationships involved here. Then, in your own household, you can establish your own boundaries for when she visits you. You are not going to change her - you can only change the circumstances that you are in. Move out...but don't use that as a weapon either against her.
Ahahahaha... I hope my mom doesn't turn out like that lmao.
my parents were like this with my first child. i lived at home during the birth of both my kids cause husband was deployed. one day i just SNAPPED and let them have it. they haven't been a problem since and now my oldest even stays over there during the school year since i no longer live within the school district. if they want to take her anywhere other than the store or out to eat they always call and ask. they have, however ungracefully, fallen into the proper roles of grandparents. you need to put your foot down. i know you probably feel like you already have, but you apparently don't follow through. make your intentions and rules known and STICK WITH IT. when she does something you've already told her not to do, call her out on it, don't just sit there.
My mom is kind of like that and I dont even live with her!! I can definatly feel your pain. Luckly for me I have my own home to come back too and just take the adviece I want from my mother and ignore the rest. Hope things get better for you soon!
I was afraid of my mom being like that. We didn't live together, but we're starting to move in together so we can get a real house (since neither of us can afford it alone) and I'm hoping things don't revert. EVERYTIME she overstepped her boundaries, and put cereal in the bottle or tried to feed my 3 month old baby mac n cheese (not BABY mac n cheese...but REAL mac n cheese) or anything like that I would look at her, say "no" firmly (as I will when my daughter needs to be told no) and then if she protested, I'd tell her that I'm the mommy. She's gotten much better and we only have to have this scenario once every couple of months now.
Try it. If she still won't listen, seriously save up money to move out.
How old are you?
all I can say is get used to it. I am thirty and my children are 9 and 7. My mother still throws her two cents in. Its a natural thing. Rather or not you listen falls on you.