Tuesday, 25 August 2009
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To Talk or Not To Talk?
Well today was a good day for me but of course, it had to start out really shitty before it got better.
My papa thinks that I should talk to my dad and tell him everything I feel towards him like all the things I tell him and mommy when I come home from spending time with him. He says that I can't keep being two-faced and even said that, "If you're not going to talk to your dad then don't bother talking to me about him anymore..."
Why do i feel so pressured?!
Am I pathetic for thinking that I could really go on humoring him and giving him what he wants while I just kept it all in? Because that was the plan, honestly. Just give him what he wanted and secretly hate him. Because honestly, what's the point in telling him? I know that no matter what I do or no matter what I say, he will still be the same dad who doesn't provide for me, who failed and I think I like it that way. Because I got used to it. I don't want him in my life. I don't want my honesty to somehow invite him in my life. I'm scared that he might take it as a call from me to change because I somehow need him.
Clear communication? You don't know my dad. He's psycho.
Even if I were to open up to him... how would I say it?
"Dad, you know, the days I've got to spend with you has made me realize a lot of things. Like the fact that you will never be the dad I wanted you to be since I was a little girl for me and I've realized this because you don't seem like you want to be that person for me either. The family I'm with now is the only family I want and I could ever need and sure, it was nice to meet your family but you know, I just can never be a part of that because I know I will never ever belong there. Mommy said that when you came she would leave it up to me to make up my mind about what I feel for you and honestly, what I feel for you if they are not the same are actually worse. Because you know what, who you are right now is someone you cannot change and it is someone who will continue to pull me down and hurt me if I let you and I don't want to..."
no, that's too scripted. It'll probably go like this...
Me: Dad... you know, I can't keep pretending that I like you...
Dad: Shut up you fucking bitch
* how nostalgic *
I haven't entertained the thought of actually talking to him until today but the more I feel like I need to talk to him, the more I loose the urge to do so. I am weird.
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About the Author
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- From: Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA@xanga
- Name: Issa
- Location: Cebu, Philippines
- About Me: I am far more awesome than you had ever expected.
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Comments (6)
and do you have to spend days with him? Are you old enough to make the choice not to go see him? If he is calling you names, that's considered abusive. It sounds like it isn't a good situation for either of you. I really hope you are able to come to a better agreement where you don't have to spend time with someone who is verbally abusive to you. You don't deserve that!
it will make you feel better, I've told my dad some harsh things multiple times in the hopes that he may one day really hear and listen to what i have to say. He finally has, so sometimes it's worth it...
Hm, you know what, some people are not worth your time. I think what your papa said may sound a little harsh, but he has a good point. If you truly don't believe you can have a good relationship with your dad, then quit spending time with him. Don't talk about him. Don't think about him. He's in your past and you can move on and grow up to be a strong, independent woman. I have several friends whose fathers were non-existent or worse in their lives, and they somehow have come out perfectly fine and reasonably healthy. I don't presume to know how it's done, but I just bring up their example to encourage you, and let you know that you CAN be someone even without him in your life.
...And if you think about it, and you can't stop thinking about him because he still matters to you, then you need to talk to him.
Let me suggest this, though - if the only things you have to say are negative and painful/emotional - like your italicized paragraph above - because it's not constructive, and doesn't really tell him what he CAN do (realistically) to become the father you want. Furthermore, you want him to change, and most people don't respond to that kind of a request. If you're sure that's what you want to say to him, and you're just communicating the pain he's caused you, I'm afraid he will probably only cause you more with his response because he'll be pissed. Again, you're gorgeous and adorable and smart and you'll turn out just wonderful, with or without him. You have the strength to be you.
Uh, just be honest and move on.
Why is this on momaroo?
@KENDRA__D@xanga - That is what I was wondering.