"I think I want another baby because I am insecure and a baby makes me feel more secure and like I have a purpose. And hell, I can't seem to find a good job anyways, so why not?!"
I was at truuconfessions.com/mom and I came across this gem. As much as I respect the poster's honesty and completely understand how she feels (I've thought about it, too!
), this way of thinking is dangerous, in my opinion.
This mentality is a big reason why public schools are cramped, and don't even get me started on unavailable vaccines for DD's first year so far. Babies aren't accessories or impulse purchases that you grab on your way to checkout. They're small people who have real needs, cost real money, and eventually grow up to take up space and resources - resources that are already stretched due to overpopulation. It would be way too easy to hurl insults at this woman or say mean things, but it's pointless and unnecessary. Anyone with a working uterus (or an adventurous specialist) can have as many babies as possible - no matter what their motives, and that honestly terrifies me. What's worse? There's nothing I can do about it but sit and wait for another depression, famine, drought, or plague to straighten things out.
It's harsh, but it's life. Life's not easy and I worry about the casual attitude people have when it comes to bringing an innocent person into this mess, sometimes. I'll be the first to admit, as much as I love love love DD, I also feel really guilty when I think of some of the things she's going to have to go through in life. I feel anxious, scared, and sometimes wonder how I could've been so selfish. It's nature, though. The world will keep on turning and growing. It's still a pretty scary place.
Why did you have children? If you don't, why do you want to?
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Comments (74)
Contrary to how I present myself here on xanga, I'm a natural mom. Not only do I have the books down (I got a 100% on my early childhood education classes) but I've been a backseat mother to 5 kids. And just in general I'm a very motherly person (my friend called me her mini-mommy once!). But the problem is there's a definite difference between being a back seat mother and being a full time mom. Back seat mothering means only 3 weeks or so babysitting at a time. After those 3 weeks I get to go back to normal life again until I have to do it again a week later. A full time mom has to do it 24/7. I don't have patience. I just don't. Sooner or later I'll snap and I can't risk that with a child.
Also I just love my adult lifestyle. I love not having to worry about whats playing on TV, being able to cook all kinds of exotic foods without worrying if it's too weird for the kids to accept and I love being able to leave my house at 11 pm and come home at 6 am without worrying about taking care of someone the next day.
I guess I'm just too young and scared of having my vagina destroyed and then sewed back together. I'll get over it ten years from now... I think.
Everyone has their own reason for becoming a parent. I don't think any one reason is more noble than another.
I don't plan on ever having kids. It's a bigger responsibility than people think when they decide to have one. I mean, you're bringing a person into the world. Sure, babies are cute (well...sometimes), but they're gonna start growing up, and then you realize you have a HUGE responsibility on your hands. That's definitely not something I want to go through. I wouldn't be able to be a good mother. I don't handle stress very well.
But if you're really good at being a mom, I admire you. It takes a lot.
If you have a lot of children you don't have to die in a nursing home.
While I don't quite have the same line of reasoning as you, I do agree with the idea that people are way too casual about parenthood. Whether it be evident in their lifestyle choices and/or in their values, some people don't seem to understand what it means to bring a human being into this world.
I plan on having children because I've wanted them since I was 14 and Allah (SWT) told Adam (peace be upon him) and Hawwa to multiply. We're here to worship Allah (SWT) nothing else but if we didn't procreate than there would be no humanity. Actually the world is underpopulated not overpopulated. When the world gets overpopulated Allah (SWT) ends some people's lives so the world can more easily sustain itself. The earth can sustain 9-10 billion people. We are 6.5 billion people at the moment.
@cafengocmy@xanga - I love your response! Hilarious and kind of true. I can't remember what family this is from way back when, but there were 13 kids and it was the youngest that wouldn't let her parents go to a nursing home; every other kid was trying to get the parents in one.
I had my two children, and hopefully more, because I believe that's the primary end of marriage: the procreation and education of children. I also believe that Earth isn't our final home, our end purpose; we are not meant for just Earth. Some day it will no longer exist. Every child I help create has an immortal soul that is meant for Heaven. So how I see it is, why wouldn't I want to have as many as I can to be able to enjoy Heaven? Besides, I have an awesome husband who is an amazing father, and if our kids turn out half as great as him, all the better for society!
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@cafengocmy@xanga - I hear this alot, and it makes sense, but there are no guarantees.
You can have all the kids you want, but you can't make them take care of you. That's an odd dynamic: "I brought you into this world, so change my adult diapers and sponge bathe me upon request." It should be done out of love, not some guilt-ridden obligation, in my opinion.
My mom was erratic, oftentimes cruel just because she could be. I remember telling her sometime in middle school that she would be put in a home if she became incapacitated, for sure. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful or hurt her, but I knew I didn't want her to wreck my adulthood the way she had attempted to wreck my life thus far. I was the firstborn, so this "honor" would've been all mine. I pass...several times over. My younger sister can deal with her better than I can, anyway.
@MangoWOW@xanga - That's interesting. I've never heard the term "backseat mom" before. I'm glad you recognize the pros and cons, though. It irks me when people assume that they'll make good parents just because they babysit, teach, or know how to play with children. Quite frankly, nobody knows if they can cut it as a parent until they become one. I still don't know what the hell I'm doing or how I got here sometimes. It's scary, but it's the way it goes. I just feel sorry for some of these babies who are being born for selfish reasons. Eh.
@LiberalArmyWife@xanga - Thanks I coined the word myself lol. It was the only way of explaining what I was without actually explaining. I can babysit and take care of kids just fine but I'm too short-tempered to make it a 24/7 thing. I mean hell, I got a baby kitten recently and even HE has me stressed out. I wake up at 6 am every morning because this little guy wakes up early and starts bothering other people, so I take him out and play with him just so that he leaves me sister alone.
I don't know...I feel like being a mother is one of the highest callings a woman can have...so in a way, it does give me purpose. It's not why I have kids though...I have kids because God allows me to. Like @whteroses@xanga said, earth isn't all there is, so I don't buy into the "overpopulation" philosophy.
@soniiuh@xanga - This is hilarious. And very understandable.
@Shy___Away@xanga - True, but there are definitely shady reasons.
@Love_Laugh_Write@xanga - Thank you for you honesty. I've gotta be honest with you: that kind of changes when you become a parent. I'm not trying to change your mind or anything, jsut sharing. Before I was all about being in control. Order. DD has taken my planning, scheduling, rules and pooped on them (sometimes, literally). I've learned that sometimes you just have to go with the flow...and it's okay. Meh.
@whteroses@xanga - "I had my two children, and hopefully more,
because I believe that's the primary end of marriage: the procreation
and education of children."
But what about infertile couples? Are childless couples' marriages not seen as valid? I'm not picking at you, I just want to understand where you're coming from. Is your belief based on natural children or do adopted children count, too?
@bgibbs11@xanga - "Whether it be evident in their lifestyle
choices and/or in their values, some people don't seem to understand
what it means to bring a human being into this world."
Definitely. I still don't think it's clicked with me almost a full year later, and I sometimes worry myself sick about it. Ah, neuroses.@gulodev@dollarish - And this is just weird...
@MangoWOW@xanga - Oh yeah. I hate to compare the two, because it's really no contest, but taking care of my husband's dogs while pregnant definitely prepared me for taking care of the baby. Actually, I think the baby was easier. Ha!
@averyswife@xanga - The "higher calling" part, is that mostly due to your religious beliefs? If religion weren't a factor, do you think you would feel the same way? I ask because when I hear Christians (and the Muslim commenter above) discuss procreation and faith, I wonder if it's because you feel there's a sort of mission to be accomplished. Like the Duggars and Quiverfull?
@LiberalArmyWife@xanga - Yes, absolutely. I mean, my faith shapes everything I believe, so I don't know that I could even look at it impartially if I wanted to. I believe that the Bible indicates that a woman's primary purpose in life is to be a wife and mother. (If she can't though, I think God allows her to have a different calling.) But if I never knew Christianity and hadn't accepted that belief-system, yes I suppose I would probably want to stop at 3 or 4 kids (I think I would still want to be a mom though). And I don't think Quiverfull is a "mission," it's more of a simple belief that God blesses us through our children and by allowing Him to control family size we open ourselves up to greater blessing. Make sense?
I grew up watching my mom, she was super mom in my eyes --- homeschooling my brother and I, taking care of our home, supporting my dad, teaching Sunday school...and man, she could cook the BEST meals!!! When we were older she continued to do those things on top of returning to school to get her masters and work part-time after finishing up her degree. She ALWAYS found time to bake our favorite cookies or take us to a concert or a movie. My dad was so helpful and so involved in our lives as well...I just saw how my parents were together, so in love and enjoying their family...I couldn't wait for my own. Being a wife and a mother were my goals. I went to college and got a degree but it was all back-up because what was truly important to me was serving my husband and my children. So...I guess how I was raised was why I wanted children and a family.
I agree 100% with Averyswife about what the bible teaches about a woman's primary purpose. So, that played a huge part in my wants/needs to be a mom as well.
My husband and I have a two month old son and he is such a blessing. I thank God every single day for him and I can't WAIT to have more children. I hope that God blesses us with a house full of kids!! Nothing about being a parent scares me and I'm absolutely loving every minute of it so far.
I do worry about what my children and their children will face one day...but I know that God will take care of them. My husband and I will teach our children to handle life, be prepared for it's curve balls and to rely on God.
@XxFireXboltxX@xanga - "Nothing about being a parent scares me and I'm absolutely loving every minute of it so far."
Wow... just reading that scares me! I am scared several times every day, when my son hits his head, I worry about brain damage, when he doesn't sleep, I worry about him, when he doesn't eat, I worry about him... When he was a newborn, I often worried that I wasn't able to give him the best of me because I was tired and in pain.
I don't really get how parents are not scared... Raising a child is such an awesome task!
I agree with you, having a baby is not a pick-me-up. It's a life commitment and a life decision. It should have nothing to do with a woman being lonely or wanting to feel useful or like she has a goal or direction in life.
I don't have children, and I don't want to have children. But, I also know a good deal of mothers who also agree that having a baby should never, ever be a pick-me-up choice. A lot of the women that I know who don't have children but plan on it some day also agree. :p
But, obviously, not everyone is going to agree, because there are quite a lot of people who feel the very same way that woman does whom sparked your idea to make this post. And quite a lot of them go through with it.
That isn't to say that they become bad mothers, or anything like that. Some probably do, but not all. I just think making such an important decision should never be made based on the reasons that woman gave. Whether or not she is or will make a good mother, I don't know. I can't know that, because I don't know her.
And, you are also right that there is nothing anyone can do about it just because they don't agree with her. A person doesn't have to like it, but that doesn't mean that they can change it. :p
"Why did you have children?" Well, I know why my biological mother did. To get free generic brand Oreos and free cigarettes.
i grew up back seat mothering my brothers and vowed never to have kids. Well i liked sex so... i had my son. Then when i got married my husband wanted a girl... so i have my daughter. I want no more and love my daughter but i would of been AOK with one.
@NotUeberMommy - I guess I should say I just very, very comfortable. I definitely WORRY about my son -- is he too hot, is he too cold, is he hungry, why is he sleeping so long...etc, but, I'm not scared of the actual job of parenting. I think worrying and being scared are two different things.
I plan to have 2-3 more children, since I feel it's the ideal number of kids in a healthy family.. but i'm not sure of having all 3 in the next 5 years..
Call me crazy, but after I finish school and get my career up n running I wanna start poppin' out babies like no tommorow !! hahah.