Tuesday, 11 August 2009
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Eight Going on Eighteen: When can you stop parenting?
I recently had a parent of an eight year old tell me that said eight year old does not need to be “supervised while outside, knows the difference between right and wrong, and knows what they should and should not play with”.
Wow, and here I am still parenting my 15 year old! Who knew that eight year olds were so self sufficient? I could have quit this mom gig seven years ago? Not!
Please, people, tell me that this parent has it wrong. A child of eight years, even outside their own house, in their own neighborhood needs some level of adult supervision, right? I know I think so.
I’m pretty sure most child development experts would think so too. Granted, eight is a stage when most children begin to become more independent thinkers, and make more decisions. Personal decisions that is…which shirt do you want to wear today? Would you like a hamburger or chicken nuggets? What about more complex decision making though? Should I go after my brand new ball that got kicked into the street? Should I go along with my friend to see his dad’s gun?
Though eight year olds may be able to use logical thinking I don’t personally know many that use that ability on a consistent basis. Most still struggle with emotional control and can be very impatient, leading to impulsive reactions. The gun example may seem extreme to some of you, but it happens, and young kids left to make decisions on their own are more likely to act on curiosity then those being watched and guided by an adult.
What I find particularly sad about this situation is that this eight year old is now burdened with the adult responsibility of parenting himself. Where will this kid be when he’s a teenager? I mean, if his parent believes he knows it all at eight years old then don’t expect that same kid to give a hoot about parental opinions when he’s sixteen and facing decisions that may include his involvement with sex, smoking, and drug use for instance.
What is even more frightening is I’ve found that this kind of thinking is becoming a trend. I want my child to be independent is often a phrase I hear from the let them govern themselves parents. So do I, this is why I’m parenting my son …watching, guiding, teaching, instilling good decision making skills…in an effort to unleash a well balanced, intelligent, productive adult into society. Adult being the key word here, not a child.
Being a parent is an eighteen year job at minimum. Teaching your kid to be independent is good, but do (that’s an action word) the teaching. Be there to help your kids develop the skills necessary to someday be an independent adult, someday, not today when he’s just eight years old.
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- From: Rantings_ofa_Redhead@xanga
- Name: Rantings_ofa_Redhead
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Comments (43)
Wow....before my son was born I was a nanny for a family that had an eight year old and a four year old. The eight year old could play in the backyard (it was fenced in) by himself but if he wanted to go anywhere else, I had to know. Was he ALWAYS supervised outside, no....but if he was in the front yard or down the street, I checked on him roughly every 5-10 minutes or I just took the four year old outside with me. He rode the bus home in the afternoon and his bus stop was right around the corner from his house. He lived in a guarded and gated neighborhood yet I still met him at the bus stop. If he wanted to walk home, he could...but ONLY after I confirmed he got off the bus.
Eight year olds STILL need adult supervision. As you said...so do 15 year olds. You don't have to hold either one's hand constantly...but they need supervision, rules and boundaries.
I love your last paragraph...being a parent is an 18 year minimum. You are so right. I'm 25 and married with my own son...but until I got married (at 24), I listened to my parents and sought advice from them and respected their rules. Granted, my parents understood I was an adult, but they still parented me...and I will always, always appreciate it! :)
sha, I wasn't even allowed over to my friends houses at 8 without a person to walk me there! I could ride my bike up and down the street at 10 & finally to run the streets at 12. My grandma would still come out and check on us every hour though. We were usually at our friends houses though where their parents were doing the same thing. I see myself letting my son be independent in his room while playing with all toddler friendly toys in a toddler friendly environment and I still have to go run and stop him from banging his toys on the glass of the window. He is the perfect example. 8 year olds are the most likely to be kidnaped (especially girls) because they are JUST young enough for a pedaphile to look at at and JUST old enough for a pedaphile to look at. I'd be VERY leary of letting my 8 year old run the streets. it's asking for trouble. I actually took the roll as foster mom over a kid who did the gun thing and ended up blowing away a relative who was looking at a gun with him. The stupid thing is that kid though he knew what he was doing. He took the bullets out, but forgot about the one ready to fire. He is scarred for life. It's sad. He now travels around foster care. People treat him like a lost cause. All he needs is love, discipline, and real guidlines. All of which require attention.
I'm 24 and unmarried and I am still supervised a bit by my brothers. I generally call in and let them know where I am and what my plans are on a regular basis. If I come up missing I want them to know where to start looking for the body. They also advise me on various aspects of my life. I usually appreciate it because I know they love me and have been through a lot of the things I am just heading into. I think at some point a parent needs to switch from actual parenting to more of an advisory position but I don't think 8 years old is the right age to do it. Depending on the area and the neighbors an 8 year old may be OK playing outside but I would still check on him regularly.
We moved to Utah not too long ago and you should see all the unsupervised kids. I don't think i've seen a child over the age of 4 supervised. It's crazy! Our next door neighbor's 18 month old was not being watched and walked across the street and was running around in our backyard...it was 15 minutes before they noticed the child was missing. I agree with you, even 8 year old still need supervision.
I would still watch the 8-year-old, there are crazy things in the world.
I'm 14 and my mom will never stop parenting me. Never. Ever.
@ShamrockLover@xanga - 15 minutes!! I understand that sometimes parents get busy..but wow! The only place I ever lose track of my toddler for more than a minute is at church...and that's cause everyone steals her. And she walks up to everyone. But, I know she's safe there so it's no big.
Hopefully I never have an experience where my baby runs off somewhere!
Parenting never stops...but I played outside by myself from the time I was like 3 or 4 on....then again that's probably just the difference in living in the BFE and living in a neighborhood.
I totally agree with you on this one. There are too many parents nowadays that don't do their job, and their kids don't know how to make proper decisions, and they lack respect for authority. It's really sad.
I was allowed to play outside by myself. I'm sure my parents checked in on me and my siblings, but for the most part if we didn't go across hte street or out of the yard we were good. I don't think that the parent ment that they don't watch them at all, but that the child is capable of playing outside without them worrying about them every five seconds. I am a nanny for three children. The oldest will be five in Novemember. He is allowed to play in the fenced in backyard by himself while I tend to the twins who will be turning three in August. I check on him about every ten minutes, and I leave the window open. His mother does the same thing. He is pretty sure about whether or not he should climb on the swing set or ask an adult before rushing out of the yard to get his ball.
8 year olds definitely need some sort of supervision. since they have a fairly good feel for the world and are able to tell what's what, they don't need to have their every move watched, like a toddler does, but at least sit down somewhere where you can keep an eye on them (ie on the porch or near a window with a clear view). and definitely walk them places, if they plan on going somewhere outside the home and farther than a few doors down.
I was never allowed outside until high school. I'm 21 now and still being parented :\
Oh my! That child never does wrong, does he? I used to have a neighbor whose children never did wrong. She refused to believe what I told her, even though I was trying to help, trying to let her know about certain dangerous things the child was not telling her. From that time on, I would not let my own children play in the front yard, nor walk to the park alone. They didn't like it, but as they age, they are starting to understand why I was such a mean mom. My elder is 15, and the younger 11. I teach them to be independent by asking their opinions, and showing them the various results!
BTW, we had some famous child snatchings here. One child was 12, and out of sight for only about 10 minutes!
i was not supervised. i wish i had been. i would have learned to have more respect for my parent's advice. i would have sought their advice more. i would have learned that they were my parent not someone who brings me food and give me a place to sleep. oh wells. a parent's supervision makes the child know that the parent cares and makes the child feel secure that there is always a place to turn to. i really don't have that.
I agree with this post. However, I also think you need a balance. You can't supervise your kids outside all of the time. Sometimes it's enough to know where they are (making sure that you know there is another adult that will be supervising them or will be close by) or to have them check in with you at certain times. I used to run outside and play as a kid and felt way more sheltered than my neighborhood friends. My mom is one of those that sees kids riding their bikes on the curb without a parent in sight and goes "WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?" whether the kids are into trouble or not. However, she didn't always keep her eyeballs glued on me when I was outside. I just had boundaries. I had to tell her where I was going and then she gave me a specific area I had to stay in with specific boundaries "no going beyond so and so's fence or the tree at the edge of that property". I would get in trouble if she caught me crossing these boundaries too. Usually grounded big time. Typically the boundaries depended who I wanted to play with. If I wanted to play with the friend that lived behind me or the friend next door, the boundaries were our three houses/yards plus a few extra houses worth of sidewalk for riding bikes and such. There was a girl who lived like 6 houses down and we would run around in the space between our houses and the houses behind us, essentially all the back yards. That was another boundary area. Then if I wanted to play with my friends in the cul de sac across the street I had to tell my mom I was crossing the street so she could watch me, and I had to stay over there until she called me home. The 'asking before you cross the street" thing was in effect til I was probably 11. Then I could cross the street without asking but I had to tell her generally who I'd be hanging out with or whose house I was going to, and I had to stop in and let her know if I planned to ride my bike around the block or to dairy queen or something. By the time I was in high school, I just had to let her know basically where I was going, and this applied once I started driving too. I think it's important to set boundaries and loosen them as your child becomes more mature.
I was all over the place outside when I was six/seven/eight. We lived in a trailer park at the time (it was mostly trees), and I wasn't permitted to go out of the park, or into other people's lots, but otherwise, it was open territory. I was supposed to check in every few hours.
By the age of fourteen, I was completely independent- I did all the laundry, made dinner for the family, cleaned the house, etc.
My point here is, children *are* capable of taking care of themselves, and with some guidance, typically do a very good job of it. The danger here is, mentally and ability-wise, I was ready to be on my own at fifteen. It was only when my parents realized I actually DID want independence, that they began to 'parent'. Things went downhill pretty rapidly.
If you're going to loosen the strings, you need to do it in a timely manner- allow them the privilege to be a responsible person, but cutting all the strings but the control string is a terrible idea.
I really think it is an individual thing. I think most 8 year olds can play in thier own yards safely. They do know right from wrong etc, but they do need some supervision. I agree with they_call_me_Steffy. I don't think the parent means they just let thier 8 year old run wild. They just give them an apprpriate amount of freedom.
@sweet11321@xanga - Abduction is actually very rare, at least in the U.S. Of the two hundred thousand or three hundred thousand kids who go missing each year, nearly all of them a) run away, b) are kicked out of their houses, or c) are taken by non-custodial parents during divorce. Even when a kid is snatched once in a blue moon, eight is not the prime age, it's the teens. And even then it's often someone the kid knows- someone the family let into the kid's life- that snatches them.
@a12906@xanga - wow, every time I see a kid on tv the amber alert is for a child age 4-10. My bad.
I have also seen this trend. I think a lot of parents want their children to be independent so badly they push it on them too soon. I know a couple who does this with their 4 year old and they have a lot of trouble. For one thing, there are some things he shouldn't be doing himself b/c they are dangerous. Also, if he can't do something, he freaks out!
There needs to be some 'scaffolding'...building up to larger things at an appropriate rate depending on the child's age & maturity level. My parents were not as loose with me as some of my friends' parents were and were labeled as 'strict.' But they always explained the options to me and why they chose to parent me the way they did, and for the most part I trusted them. And every time they gave me reasons for not allowing me to do something, it was because it was what was best for me. I don't know how many times I would not get to do something and a friend would, but then they would end up hurt, etc. in the exact way my parents said I would if they allowed me to. I was a 'learn from example' kinda kid though. I trusted what my parents said and tried to learn from their mistakes as well as those of others, and not repeat them.
@sweet11321@xanga - And you're absolutely sure they don't do that on purpose?
lol, wouldn't know. It just seems that most times on any forensic show I watch(which I love) or news or anything like that, it's either a very small child abducted from their home or street while playing or it was an older child under 10 who was abducted from their street while on the way home from say a neighbors house or buying candy at the store.
I guess I'm not totally sure what the context is here. I can see being the parent who might say what this other mom said but that's not the whole story by far. My oldest 2 children (9 and 8) often play out with other kids on the street "unsupervised". They have to let me know where they are, who they are with and when they change locations (ie. go from Susie's house to Johnny's house) but as long as they are together I don't hover over them and I would absolutely say that for their age I trust their judgement about right and wrong and what they can and can't play with. Of course they have set rules about when to be home, etc. and they know if they break those rules they will lose their "independence".
The irony is I am the most strict parent on the street. My kids don't have televisions in their room, listen to and watch very carefully screened media and have to be in the house no later than 8:00 in the summer. We also homeschool so I am intimately involved in my children's upbringing. I can't tell you how many knocks on my door I get from neighbor kids at 8:30 at night wanting my kids to come play, kids as young as 5. Now that is ridiculous.
@bubbelcat@xanga - I am in the same boat as you. Without supervision completely is a bit extreme, but minimal and responsible is just perfect for well raised, responsible, and well rounded children.
I let my 7 year old and my 5 year old and outside alone together and if they are outside I do allow my 3 year old to go out with them I see no problem with it. I am always checking on them. I also listen to them if I can not hear them i go check on them. That is how it was when I grew up. I can not be outside every moment they want to ride there bike. They know where they are allowed to be and where they are not allowed to be. And they listen to that. They are not allowed to walk anywhere they have to stay at the house in our yard. I don't see a problem with it. And I am still parenting just giving them alittle more breating room. Could you imange mom being right there every moment how are they going to work things out among themselfs.?
their different times now. back when my parents were my age, they were born in 72' so there not super old haha. anyways, when my parents were my age it was different you could walk up and down the streets or wherever and not have to worry as much as you do nowadays. nowadays i can't even go down the street without watching every little single detail going on around me to make sure nothings suspicous and whatnot. there just different times now and some parents are naive and think it's still how it was when they were a teenager or child but it's not. times have changed, and how come at 14 i know that but some adults don't? it's kind of odd to me.