My little girl just turned 3 months old today and already I have perfected my nod and smile to strangers who love to give me advice on how to raise my child. I realize that some people just say things to make small talk so for the most part I don't even let it bother me at all. Even during my pregnancy I heard A LOT of different parenting "tips" from people. I guess because I'm 19 years old, strangers thought I needed it more than others.
Once a lady even told me that my husband probably wouldn't last longer than 2 years with me. I was waiting for a burrito at Baja Fresh and it was a very awkward ten minutes with a ghetto fabulous older lady.
Anyway, where I am trying to get to is I love to read Momaroo posts and a good bulk of the people who reply to these posts don't even have children. I understand some women are in the process of trying or adopting but a lot are not. A lot are young girls who think they can put their two cents in about something they know nothing about.
Being pregnant and having a child is an experience that is inconceivable until it happens to you. It really infuriates me to see girls here on Xanga replying to posts of how awful they think it is for a mother to do this or allow her child to do that. Of course the always begin with "I don't have kids but you shouldn't blah blah blah"
Try incubating and having a baby and than you can see that just because you shove a human out of your vagina doesn't turn you into June Cleaver. Being a mom is one of the hardest things in the world and no one is perfect. My daughter is my world but I have struggles such as smoking or feeling like even at 3 months that she watches too much TB but for me to hear from someone who doesn't even have children to judge a mother who is only human is just frustrating to me.
So what do you all think do I just have a lot of hormones going crazy or does this bother anyone else?
Comments (47)
It's hormones. Sorry, but people can have a legitimate opinion about something about which they have no firsthand experience. To say otherwise is silly and illogical. I have never been stabbed in the eye, but I know it will hurt and I don't want to have it happen. Most of the issues brought up here are plain common sense to anyone with half a brain. There is something about parenting that most parents do not get, and I hate to break this to you: Parenting children is a naturally occurring skill. We naturally know how to do it at the point we are able to have children. That doesn't mean there are not exceptions, and that there are not bad parents. That doesn't mean a 14-year-old is not, probably, emotionally unable to deal with a kid. Emotionally ill-adapted and having basic know how are two different things. If you dispute this, think about it. If we had to be taught how to parent children properly, does it not stand to reason that we should have died out as a species long ago?
It's also hilarious that you write this as a 19-year-old. I can imagine thousands of 40-year-old moms reading this and thinking all the same things about you right now.
Edit: One more addition, as something else bothers me about this. Your views here completely demean fathers. Fathers have never given birth, do they not have parenting skills? My dad raised me alone from when I was 12 until about 2 years ago when he met my stepmom when I was 16. The experience of having a child and raising one certainly was not inconceivable to him.
@scrambledmegzntoast@hardestlevel - Agreed.
I may not be a mom but I have one. Just my opinions are from the other side of the spectrum from being on the receiving end of the parenting.
Well, if someone who is NOT a parent wants to give parenting advice, then i think THAT is silly and annoying. NO one here is saying you can't have an opinion, but plenty of people want to spew their opinion as if it's facts and get mad when they are not taken seriously....
I think that you have an underlying good point.... maybe it's just not coming across in this post. Each and every day I feel like my knowledge of parenting grows. I may know something that you may not about a four month old or a one year old (I'm a 24 year old mom of a 21mo & 4 year old) but you may know something that I don't about another parenting aspect. And someone who doesn't have children might have experienced something that gives them the insight to comment about parenting. As mothers, we do have struggles and difficulties but as a mother, we must understand that our actions and mistakes do not just effect us. And sometimes, even though it may be harsh, being hit with the reality that some things are just not okay for parents to slip up on is good for us. In the same way parents need encouragement to keep trying to be the best parent possible. If this comes from a teenager or from a 35 year old mom of 3... we still need to hear it. (it's a total different story if they just jump on here to ignorantly bash people... this is where it gets out of line- the underlying good point I was referring to)
Speaking as that above mentioned 40 y/o mom, I would say that I see the point of your post and can agree on a certain level. It doesn't bother me so much if someone wants to offer suggestions, but I get a bit annoyed at the "I am right and you are wrong" attitudes that seem to pop up from time to time. I am in the process of raising 7 children. My 8th child is now an adult and doing a fine job on his own and I dare say that I have experienced many things that some might not have experienced. I do not pretend to know everything and am always welcome to new ideas. I just don't appreciate being told that they way I might be doing something is wrong. Does that make sense?
It bothered the hell out of me, too. I just turned 20 when I had my son, so I know what it's like being a young mother and wife. My husband's in the Army; he deployed to Afghanistan 8 days after our son was born.
It's not your hormones. My son will be a year old on the 21st, and it still irritates me to death when people tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing.
Let people know that you're doing the hardest job out there, and their advice is neither wanted or appreciated. They need to go direct their attention to the 16 year old whores who have no idea who the father is.
Keep your head up. It's worth it in the end =]
i agree with you about all of the unwanted advice. It does get irratating. But the older your child gets, you'll probably be getting less and less of that advice.
And I think it's true that there are just certain things you can't understand until you're a mom. People can always say there are things they would never do once they're a parent, but you never know until you're in that position.
I think you are echoing something a lot of parents tend to do which is excuse the fact that you don't like what someone as saying by invalidating them just because they don't have kids. It shouldn't matter whether or not they have kids as long as they are presenting their opinions or knowledge in a respectful way. When it gets disrespectful, it STILL doesn't matter if they have kids or not... disrespectful is disrespectful. It's all about the respect. Like @scrambledmegzntoast@hardestlevel said in her very well written comment, parenting is something that we are built-in with. You do not have to earn the right to state something that makes sense to you by pushing a kid out of your vagina or adopting someone else's. Otherwise, no one could ever babysit or teach kids unless they had their own. Fathers couldn't have any say in how their children were raised. How are people who don't have kids any different? They aren't. I know for a fact that I don't have to have kids to tell you that taking a straightened out clothes hanger and beating your kid with it isn't the way to go. I also don't have to have a kid to tell you that my mother did something to me that caused damaged in my life later on, if it is something you are doing to your kid also.
I think (and hope) you are probably reacting to the disrespect that you parents probably get a lot of when it comes to opinion, not so much the opinions themselves, and not whether or not the people have kids. I'll admit it does seem like that the majority of people who are disrespectful seem to not have any kids of their own. Maybe having kids helps you remain respectful when sharing your advice or opinion with other parents, but that doesn't mean if you don't have kids you can't be respectful, either. I've seen plenty of very good advice given from people who are not parents, in a way that was respectful, and was no different either in content or tone than the same thing those with kids were saying. The other side of the coin is that those of us without kids, who have to share this earth with them, are being disrespected by some of you with kids, as well. We are blown off and invalidated just because because we don't have kids. That is hardly fair. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a mother rip someone to shreds over an opinion because that person didn't have kids only to later practically worship someone else that said the EXACT SAME THING, the only difference was that person had kids.
Like I said, we all live on this earth together... I share it with your kid, so if I feel like you are doing something that is going to damage your kid long term based off of personal knowledge because it did me, you can be damned sure I am going to say something about it (respectfully). Your kid is not your property. Your kid is a human being that deserves the same respect as the rest of us. I may not have all the answers or even the right answers but that doesn't mean I can't try to do whatever I can think of. Likewise with issues related directly to me - if I can't enjoy a meal in peace in a restaurant or your kids keep damaging my window screens with their ball, you can bet I am sure as hell going to say something about it, and maybe offer any suggestions I can think of because obviously if you don't have your kid under control you could maybe use the advice. This world belongs to all of us, not just you and your kids.
You are not the only person in the world who will see/hear/be affected by your little dearie, but you are the one person who has the most influence on his/her behaviour, particularly when s/he is still young and impressionable . If your child decides to mug me in 20 years, it is partially your fault that s/he became a criminal. I don't want anyone to get mugged in 20 years, so I will feel no shame reminding you to make sure that your child becomes a good person!
I get what your saying about strange people comming up to you in the store with advice... especially since I wsa 19 when I had my first. People do seem to think that just because your young they need to tell you everything and their way is pretty much the only way. But I do think that people with out children can offer good advice. They could be a babysitter or have grown up in a huge family. I woudlnt discredit someone just because they dont have a child. Pretty much I have learned to listen to all advice keep what apeals to me and just ignore the rest. Also, if you dont want people to critique your parenting style or a particular event, then you shouldnt be posting it on a public blog, because there will ALWAYS be someone who bashes you and your handling of the situation.
I didn't shoot my kids out of my lady bits, does that mean I don't get to have an opinion about parenting?
I completely agree with you (and said something similar in a comment today). To those who don't have children and still give their opinions - It's fine and dandy to have opinions about parenting, but don't expect someone to take you seriously when you haven't been there. The only exception to this rule in my opinion is if you work in a related field to parenting, such as medicine, education or psychology. Then you are considered an "expert" and I may take your advice into consideration. But if you're just some 13 year old kid who thinks that you know what's best for my child? Hell no. I don't consider that to be a valid opinion, no matter HOW many brothers and sisters you have.
You know, some of the young ladies out there that comment have spent lots of time with young children; as siblings, as sitters, etc.. They may *gasp* actually be able to provide another point of view on somethings...maybe even - dare I say - better than someone whom has carried a baby and is so attached to this precious life that she can't see what's right infront of her face on some topics. I know a lot of people tend to present their tidbits of knowledge as though it's the only opinion that matters, but really? How annoying would be if everyone prefaced everything that they said with, "I know every kid is different and what worked for us may not work for you..." Uhm, hello? If you're old enough to bring a kid into the world, shouldn't you be old enough to understand that without it being said at five-minute intervals?
Most people are well-intentioned, but few people are perfectly spoken 100% of the time.
I wonder if the post (about the smokin mommies)Â I put had something to deal with this. But well, in my post I was just wondering. I don't have a kid. But I do want to have one. Soon too. Some people say 19 is too young to have a kid. But with the help of my mommy I'm sure she'll be able to help me understand.
Unsolicited advice about parenting is annoying from anybody
Previous to having a child I still had a good grasp on the concepts of nuturing a child, I imagine most people with common sense do so I wouldn't waste my time getting upset about it.
To be honest, if you write a post on xanga, you gotta expect anyone and everyone to have an opinion
@Kait82521@xanga - You are more of a mother than most sweetcheeks
I don't have kids but...LOL well I somewhat help raise 2 kids while I was a kid, and indeed am called to babysit for friends with kids of all ages during emergencies ("Now, don't misbehave with Aunty D cos you know she's fierce...) so yes, I have opinions about raising children. HOWEVER, I think it requires tact, just like all other times, when one dishes opinion.
A friend of mine was so over-protective over her son it was bordering on paranoia: the kid was 13, weighed about 150 lbs and she wouldn't let him go to the shop to get a pack of game cards - she told him a scary story about being kidnapped and beaten up etc. And this in a shopping mall! Granted, she didn't appreciate my eye-rolling and "Mate, he's old enough to understand porn - I'm sure he can buy a pack of game without incident." I just thought her behaviour was very counter-productive with regards to him being a more independent person, but of course I never said it because he was her kid.
Suffice to say he was always pleased when I was over to babysit because he was allowed to go out and play a game of ball with his mates or have a boys night in (and he got his favourite Aunty D Roast Chicken Dinners)! People will always have an opinion but your kid is still yours - if you don't like what you hear, you can always politely thank them then, say, "I bet YOU'D make a great mother" and walk away!
I think I know what you mean... Before I had a child, I always said my child wouldn't watch TV until they were, I don't know, six years old. But once I had a child, I veered towards having my son watch Baby Einstein just so I could load the car without him screaming his head off (this was when he was an infant - he liked to have me in eye sight every second he was awake... I even had to go so far to take him into the bathroom with me and let him play in the empty tub so I could pee... LOL).
I'm sure a lot of people have legitimate comments from being on the receiving end of parenting. Before I had a child, it always annoyed me that people said "you just don't know until you have a child of your own"... but it's so true! And that's why it annoys me when people have "advice".
By the way, people who do have children and who give me unsollicited advice annoy me too - hey, if I need advice, I'll be the first to ask you for it! Until then, just let me do what I think is best for my child, okay?
@Kait82521@xanga - Heeee... funny! Hope you healed okay...
A mom is a mom, whether she carried those babies or not - if you're raising them, you're a parent, right?
I get what you are saying about strangers in the stores, but the comment's on momaroo are legetimite. Even if this person is not a mom, this person was a child being raised by a mom or a dad and may be a good perspective on something because it happened to them. If you don't want advice on something, don't post a public post on momaroo--that's what the site is for advice/encouragement/support.
I've had people with no kids "mother" me - now that my oldest is five and they have a newborn.. their views have changed a wee bit.
I would like to give my opinions about some of the comments on here but I don't feel like dealing with their daily drama. It's not just horomones, every woman, mind the age, has had someone make a comment that bothered them... trust me, we have a HUGE family and a LOT of kids in our family - from all different ages. I've heard stories I would never re-tell.
@High_Ceilings@xanga - Thank you
I tend to agree. I was just expressing what another commenter said - everyone's got an opinion, we just tend to mess it up when trying to get it out there. I appreciate the writers sentiment of "Until you're parenting my child, shut it!" but choose words a little more carefully. Maybe if people did that when gifting Moms unsolicited advice we wouldn't all be ready to choke people. Lol!
@NotUeberMommy - I prefer buying my babies to building them. It's a much cleaner process.
If you write a question on a public blog.... aren't you asking for advise from anyone? Nobody says you have to take it.... but maybe an insightful mom-to-be might relay some information you hadn't thought of. Sure some people are "all knowing" acting... but that is true in ANY blog. Some mothers are too.
@scrambledmegzntoast@hardestlevel - i have to disagree.
while i agree that people are allowed an opinion, i can see where this girl is coming from, considering she's already a parent and a lot of people freak out on parents that are having a tough time already. i mean, if you were a parent and some person that had no experience in parenting at all came up to you and said, "why do you let your kid eat that ice cream? you know that in their future they'll turn into an obese shut-in, right? because you don't know what you're doing." that's pretty much what it is.
now, while i'm not technically a parent, i did take care of my younger brother and sister for a good 10 years. i know what it's like to be a parent, in the case of emotional support, morals and values, physically taking care of a child. i didn't work to put food on the table but i did cook that food. and i changed diapers, and i took my brother to school, and i stayed up until 4am before a test at 8 with the baby when she was fussy and couldn't sleep. i know that everyone will say "oh a lot of siblings do that." but it's only the tip of the iceberg.
i don't think it's hormones at all. it's annoying for some random person to tell you how to raise your child, and the only thing people are seeing and commenting on in this entry is that people that comment on momaroo posts annoy you, which is kind of dumb, because they can obviously read the entire entry.
i'm guilty of "parenting" other peoples' kids, but mainly when they ask me for advice, or if it comes up in conversation.
like "if you have a hard time getting jasmine off of a bottle, these cups worked REALLY well for taylor. and it made it a lot easier to make the transition."
or "the best temporary thing we did when we couldn't exactly afford to buy a lot of toys was give her a mixing spoon and a big bowl. she had the best day ever...those expensive toys went unnoticed after we got them."
so i speak from experience, and just make suggestions, not say "oh this is what you should do. this is what is best.
and to end things...
she said, "Being pregnant and having a child is an experience that is inconceivable until it happens to you."
that includes fathers, right? 'cause fathers have children too. they don't physically birth the child but they have it, right? so it obviously includes fathers. i think it's just that everyone assumes that "having" a child is only birthing a child.
*steps off soapbox*
I don't have kids, but...
I can see where you're coming from. I imagine that if I was constantly getting advice on how to raise my children, I would get irritated. But most of the people who are getting advice on this site are asking for advice. So people give it. I had a lot of terrible experiences growing up with my parents, so it's good to read about parents who are genuinely making an effort to raise their kids the right way. But when people put their questions and concerns out on a public forum, I think it's reasonable to expect (and accept) that all kinds of people will be commenting, not just other parents.