As some of you know, I am an advocate of the family bed. We happened upon this the evening of the day we brought Emily home from the hospital. I couldn’t tolerate that my tiny new baby lay in that cage of crib all alone after spending the first part of her existence within me; my maternal instincts screamed at me to pull her into the bed with us. As soon as I heeded this urge, I felt my anxiety melt away and fell into an innate rhythm of nursing and sleeping through the night.
In
The Mother Consciousness I discuss how this prompted me to research the practice of the family bed around the world. I discovered that we were one of the few countries to displace their infants and children from the vicinity of the sleeping quarters of the mother; most infants of the world sleep within the close proximity of the mother in order to beckon the needs of her off spring.
So, with my innate yearnings and the realization that this was only taboo in my backyard we ventured into the realm of
co-sleeping.
Today, we live in a world where children are disconnected from their mothers & fathers for the majority of their day. Working parents send their younglings to daycare and nursery schools leaving them with a couple waking hours to spend together. If older children are not in school they are off with their friends or absorbed by all of the technology the 21st century offers them. My conclusion is that if you spend time sleeping together at least you have the opportunity to energetically connect.
Recently, I observed some teens that have both parents working out of the home. Now, I am not against the working mother. I was a working mother for the first 6 years of my motherhood, but I am against the parent that takes mothering lightly resulting in unsupervised children or children left with no moral development. A few of the things I saw these kids doing alarmed me... like lighting bottle rockets at their neighbor’s home and lying in the street during rush hour.
That evening during one of our twilight conversations my daughter and I discussed the behaviors we had observed. We talk about the safety issues, the lack of self control and even the boy girl dynamics we witnessed. We were able to have this discussion in the quiet of the night without contempt or the lecturing that typically follows such incidents; at an angle of respect, unconditional love, and self-empowerment.
This is just one of the many times that I understood that the
family bed offered a sanctuary to my budding tween. Somehow over the years she has been able to disclose feelings and experiences in this setting that she hasn’t been able to process during the height of the day. It had become a safe haven where all judgment lay behind and it is understood that no matter what she discusses with me regardless of the topic is met with openness.
Could co-sleeping have prevented such deviant behavior in those teens? In and of itself…probably not, but it could have set the stage to reduce the need for attention seeking behaviors that could harm oneself or others. When an infant cries it is cueing the mother to respond, when the infant's needs are responded to appropriately and in a timely manner, the child learns that they can trust the primary caregiver which generalizes to all adults.
When children are displaced and forced to sleep in a separate room and cries are not satiated, they are being hardwired that they cannot trust the adults around them. I believe that when this occurs they learn early on that they have to have dramatic tantrums (lying in the street) in order to get the attention they deserve. In this case, negative attention is better than no attention at all.
I understand the need for independence and self empowerment, but I believe this can be achieved through other means than displacing our children from the close proximity of the mother during the sleeping hours. I also understand the concern of the marital bed, but let me reassure you that in no way has this inhibited our relations. In fact, this has created the opportunity to become creative and spontaneous in our connections. More so, the flirting and quiet sexual innuendos between my husband and myself during our daily activities has created a greater sense of romance; something I see missing from many couples that are far beyond the honeymoon phase of their marriages.
All in all, I have no regrets for the decision we had made in regards to our sleeping arrangements. In fact, I believe that one of the reasons that our youngest daughter (whom is diagnosed with autism) easily displays affection to us and people outside the family construct is because of the foundations laid by attachment parenting practices; co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding. I believe that each of my children have gained positive attributes that have been fostered through these practices.
Last night, however, after creating the perfect sleeping space, Emily decided on her own accord to sleep in her new room. It was a long night for us all… we could hear her toss and turn among her surrogate mothers (stuffed animals) trying to find that perfect nesting space. Then her little sister tossed and turned with the absence of her big sister.
This, too, is a task that I am sure we will all adjust to. And in the mean time, I will have to make a conscious effort to continue to connect with my daughter and offer opportunities for open communication based on trust and respect.
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Comments (6)
I let my daughter sleep with me until she started sleeping all night, which was around 4 months. She had growth spurts and would wake up hungry every once in awhile. But it was no problem to go to her and give her some food - that's why they invented baby monitors.
It was just easier to have her with me since she was waking up every 3 hours or so anyway. I let her sleep on the bed but placed her in a thing that's designed to keep them from rolling. That way, I could always feel her and wouldn't worry about squishing her. I let her sleep on my chest a lot too.
I'll probably do that same thing with my next baby too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts abt the family bed. It's always been very interesting to me to note that the family bed is common in many other cultures. However, I do think that in a lot of these places, it started out in ancient times as as a result of lack of space (they only had one bedroom) and has trickled down through the years to become a tradition. But I'm sure also there are cultures where community is of utmost important, and being ALONE is considered very strange and taboo, so sleeping together in one bed is a good thing and the norm.
Anyway, questions I've always had about the family bed: How do you determine when your child will stop sleeping with you? Is it whenever s/he is ready and decides on her own? (that's what it seemed like from your post). How/when do you make love to your spouse with your child there?
Like @Fairywife@xanga, my daughter slept with us until she slept through the night on her own (she was sleeping through the night with us when she was 5 weeks old but transitioning her to her own room was a long process that lasted until she was about 4 months old). My son slept with us for the first month or so but quickly decided that the only thing he wanted to do when sleeping next to me was nurse...otherwise he would just kick and squirm. So he sleeps next to us in a bassinet (he's 5 months old) and will until he sleeps through the night.
While I like the idea of co-sleeping during infancy, having a "family bed" does present many problems as @searchingfortreasures@xanga pointed out. Intimacy in marriage is very important and having children in your bed does hinder that. While you can work around it, by scheduling date nights or planning sex, it really takes away from the closeness a couple experiences. That's why I'm a big proponent of having established bedtimes for kids...say at 8-o-clock...which gives the parents time alone; time that is vital to any healthy relationship.
@averyswife@xanga - Yes! I'm a big proponent of maintaining intimacy in marriage. It is a key component of a happy family life. I can understand the desire and the pros of having a baby in your bed for the first few months... but I've always wondered about those who maintain a family bed even up until their child is 3 yrs old, etc... and then when that child transitions out of their bed, they have another baby who occupies that spot... ?? How do you maintain intimacy in your marriage?
Interesting post, especially the part about marital intimacy. Our daughter started sleeping alone in her crib at around 4 or 5 months. Sometimes, she still sleeps with us. I don't mind. I just wanted to be sure she was emotionally able to handle falling asleep alone, and she can, so we're good. I don't feel like I'm damaging or spoiling her by bringing her into bed with us like some people were saying. My reasons are actually selfish. When she wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, I don't feel like taking her back to her room to rock her to sleep. It's so much easier to bring her into our bed and nurse her back to sleep, while I fall asleep.
I didn't know much about the emotional benefits of bedsharing or extended breastfeeding before I started. I'm kind an alternative mom purely by accident.
I sort of agree with this. I think for me the big thing is just that I'm a single mom with a toddler and a queen size bed, so why not? All the magazines and things always just talk about how "annoying" it can be to have your children in bed with you, which I can understand if you were married and trying to be intimate with a toddler crawling around. That would be a tad weird. I really don't have anything to lose with it, and we both love going to bed together, so it works out. I'm sure we'll stop when she gets older. Eventually she'll want some privacy and her own bed to stretch out in, but until then we're more than happy to share. She can sleep on her own and rolls away from me at night when she needs her space, so I don't think it's really doing any damage to her ability to sleep with out me or anything. She naps alone every day just fine.
I don't think we'd want to do that until she was a tween though, that might be a little weird. I'm sure she'll want space by then.