Tuesday, 28 July 2009
-
Is It Wrong to Contact the Other Baby Mama?
My boyfriend has another daughter from a girl he knew back in high school. She is something else, I can tell you that!
It eats him up everyday that his other daughter isn't in his life (we have a daughter who is seven months old). He has tried so hard to try to keep a relationship with his other daughter however the problem is his other baby mama!
She will only let her talk to him when she feels its okay! (His ex's daughter's grandma has legal guardianship) We both (and other family members) feel that she is only using their daughter as a pawn!
I don't feel this is right at all! He pays child support and now has to cover the insurance (the baby mama is and has been a stripper for ten years, she blames him for how her life is hell!)
She left her daughter for two years after she was born and ran off with another man to Florida to be with him, and to continue her life as a stripper. I can understand why she is mad now, and how hard it is to raise a child on your own but this isn't fair to their daughter.
The state they live in is collecting the back support from when she was on welfare and only gives her legal guardian 10% of that!!! That is bull!!!!
Now I see this girl as my other daughter and everyday in private I mourn for the 'loss' of our daughter since she isn't here and we don't know her like her family does where she lives. We don't know the sound of her laugh, the sight of her smile.
Now, it is summer time and school is going to start soon so when we were at Target I picked up some school supplies for her. (Which will be known from her father that I picked it out)
Now, I am wondering if it is out of place for me to ask the baby mama what she likes to buy her (if we can. We are on a budget), what her fave colors are, what size clothes she wears.
I don't want to start drama but what is the right thing to do? Should I ask or just let him deal with her since she is very manipulative? I don't want to make my boyfriend angry either...
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: tom_ko@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 3605 Comments: 0 127 View all posts by tom_ko@xanga
Comments (25)
To be honest what you're doing is very sweet but it seems this other girl is full of drama. Don't bother calling. Or really... it just isn't a good idea to call. Not only will it be awkward but the other woman will feel ashamed and possibly insulted/offended that you're going out buying the school supplies for her daughter.
Take it from me.. Im a pro at being a crazy ex girlfriend: She will take it as an insult. She'll say that you made that call only to rub it in her face that she can't provide for her daughter and that you were only faking the sweet considerate thing. She'll say asking for favorite colors etc was just the excuse to call.
I'm not saying thats what you're doing, but if she's as messed up and drama filled as she sounds then that's probably what she'll come up with.
I say let your husband deal with her and ask for the favorite colors.
I think the father should do the calling. You have good intentions but if she is as crazy as she sounds it will be worse if u call..
I wouldn't get involved with the mother.
Be supportive of him but I don't think you should get involved no matter how much you want to. You calling may make it worse. If everything goes positively just welcome this other daughter with open arms! It sounds like you would!
don't get involved with his other daughters mother. she sounds like someone who might try to take advantage of your kindness for her own ends. if she uses her daughter like a pawn, she'll surely try to use you as well. my advise is to ask his daughter what she would like. she's the one you'll need to bond with & have a relationship with. not her mother. you & your husband should ask his daughter what her favorite colors are etc. don't get involved with her mother or her grandmother. i've known several women who were dancers so they could pay for day care for their kids and each and every one of them ALSO had a day job, they were married to good men & were good mamas to their children. someone who abandons their child like that usually doesn't care about anyone but themselves. if she's capable of hurting her child like that, she won't think twice about treating your husband & you badly as well. avoid her.
Ok- this was an issue for my stepdad. He was prevented from seeing his daughter by his "baby mama's" family. I can understand why he stopped trying to go through them to see her, but I do not understand why he never went to the courts and asked for custody or at least visitation. That's the same I'm wondering of your boyfriend. These days, a parent would not be denied visitation or shared custody unless it was proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are unfit.
I wouldn't even try to get in touch with the woman. She's the type that probably reeks of drama a mile away.
Good luck.
you should let your husband deal with it.
that said... why must the picture be of a black man and child?
I wouldn't try and get in touch with the mother. She sounds like a pain in the ass. He should file for at least visitation to see his daughter and go from there. It is really unfair that he can't be in his daughter's life because of the mother. She should thin of her child and not her own personal problems with him.
xo
I read this and wanted to wish you the best of luck.
My father is on marriage number 3 (well, he isn't married to this woman but they've been living together for nearly 8 years, so I consider them married). My ex-stepmom is a real trip, and she makes it hard for him to see his kids from their marriage (she uses the fact that she has money and he doesn't against him, and the fact that he's paying back child support. He got behind on child support when he decided to finally get a college education after his divorce).
I don't think highly of my ex-stepmom or women like her who use their children as tools to "get back at" the babies' father for "doing this to them." They chose to have the child rather than abort or give it up for adoption, so I think they should show some responsibility. My current stepmom is frustrated as hell with my exstepmom, and with my mom, too for that matter.
Best of luck. I'm glad you've accepted this little girl as part of your family, even if it means loving her from afar.
It's not wrong, but I think it's probably unadvisable. I would definitely have the child's father do it.
why don't you try to contact his daughter's grandma? or have him do it
since she's the legal guardian anyway.
I agree with above post since grandma has legal guardianship you two shouldn't even need to contact the ex. Contact the grandma I'm not sure how the law works but shouldn't she approve or disapprove weather you two can have contact? Look into the laws stay away from the drama as much as possible it's not healthy for your other little one to experience any of that.
Thanks to everyone who has posted.
He has called her grandmother, that is who he has to call to talk to her. She doesn't pick up when he calls or return any of his voicemails or calls! We don't even know if his daughter knows that he calls her!
The grandmother only lets his daughter talk to him when the baby mama says its okay.
As for the baby mama she has never worked a real job while stripping.
As for his custody issues, well we live in different states that are far away. Neither parent has custody, when he was 18 she told him to sign some form and he did and didn't get a copy of it! (stupid on his part)
I am worried about what they are telling her about this situation, and I hope that she isn't like this at all!
"She left her daughter for two years after she was born and ran off with another man to Florida to be with him, and to continue her life as a stripper. I can understand why she is mad now, and how hard it is to raise a child on your own but this isn't fair to their daughter." How can you "understand why she is mad now"?
@black_lie@xanga - I didn't even notice the race of the man and child in the picture until I came across your comment about it. Perhaps there might be a little more sensitivity to race on your part than necessary, as pertaining to this article, seeing as how no one else mentioned it? I don't think the race of the people in the included picture is trying to make a "stereo-typed" point. It's a father and daughter. Period.
To the author of this post: Don't get involved with the other mom. She sounds like she could latch on and create unending drama.
@MangoWOW@xanga - Exactly. ...or she might get pissy and say that she's trying to "replace her" as the girl's mother.
You're likely to be taken advantage of at best. Painted as a villian to the little girl at worst. Either way, it won't end favorably. It's sad, but these kinds of people rarely change and it's usually best to avoid contact with them as much as possible.
@Grace - If the picture hadn't been there, and I had just read the post, I would have assumed that the writer was white, as most people in the US are. The picture displayed so prominently at the top of the post colors my perception of the entire post. People can't be color blind, I'm going to notice if someone is a different race than the majority.
@black_lie@xanga - What exactly did you mean by "colours your perceptions of the entire post"?
@black_lie@xanga - I didn't even notice they were black. Looks like only you have a problem.
@black_lie@xanga - This picture "coloring your perception of the entire post" may just be your personal inclination to noticing race. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that if you do so with no negative effects, but I don't think the author of this post really meant anything by choosing that particular picture of a man and child to illustrate that her post is about a father and his daughter. I'm with those who have stated that they didn't notice the race of the two until you mentioned it and I happen to be part of a "minority" group as well.
i understand both sides of it...
if you are going to buy. I would just stick to school supplies.
is there anyways of going to court to get visitation?? I would do that!!! its not fair to your boyfriend or your guys' other child that they don't see each other!!
I think you should talk to your bf about it, and, together, find a way to approach this in a cautious way. G'luck! :)
@IIryoujoku_no_ameII@xanga - I am a visual person. I can't help associating the stock photos they put up with the content in the blog. Even if it's obviously just some random stock photo, if it is a picture of a person/animal I can't help but think, "Oh that is the author or the author's daughter or the author's pet cat that she discusses in the blog."
@a12906@xanga - because now it is her taking care of her 'baby' that is why, because she came back to raise her...and he didn't. @MomWithoutaMinivan@xanga - because it would cost more to go through the courts, the lawyers, the fees, the runaround, due to the fact that we live basically coast to coast different. Plus, they are taking his tax returns he did them early this year and it is August and that state still hasn't gotten it!
She also has called me a few choice words when she found out that I was having his second child. She was drunk and pissed at the time, she did call the next day and leave an apology on his voicemail tho.
She has called him while drunk blaming him for ruining her body and asking why didn't he tell her to get an abortion, blaming him that she was audited for $10,000.
However, she or her Mother have never called him to ask him to help with school supplies or anything else for that matter. Or when school starts, or any special event in her life.
They are putting in their daughter's mind that he should come see her out in that state. Everytime she is allowed to talk to him she always asks "Daddy when are you coming out to see me?" to which he replies "Why don't you visit me?" She has no idea where he lives...and he tells her time and time again.
Which makes me wonder....
I think you need to talk to your man about it, but the fact that it is your daughter as well means to me that you should be able to call up the ex and ask. Make sure to be kind about it and friendly, even if she's rude, it will go far. You could be like "I was just at the store, and I saw the cutest dress, and I immediately thought of (insert daughter's name here). What size is she and what color do you think she'd like??"