Saturday, 18 July 2009
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How Do We Get My Brother To Care?
As I am typing this post, my mother is talking to my grandmother. They are talking about one subject that bothers the family the most, my brother. My parents suffer as they talk about him, and I suffer as well too. It is so hard holding back the tears as the letters appear on the screen every time I press a letter. Where do I begin on my rant about my brother? Let's just stick to the basic things, things that just happened this year.
-My brother had brought in a specific item into school, was caught with it, and did not want to come home that day. Well, of course he came that was when we had to go and find him of course. The reason being that he was scared of our parents, but if he never brought it in the first place, he wouldn't have been so scared now would he?
Reluctantly, I gave him my phone the day that he was suspended and did not want to go home. Since my dad had confiscated his phone due to the bill. I'm glad that we found him, but he could have just came home and sat down with my mother and explained things to her instead of just running away.
-Many many times has he gotten into arguments with my father. Most of the time, he doesn't realize that he started everything in the first place. Of course, if he hadn't made a mess and never cleaned it up, my father wouldn't have been yelling at him now would he? He just doesn't understand.
-My mother was sent to the hospital because she had cracked her hip bone. What did my brother do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. The time when my mother fell, she was yelling out for him, what was he doing? Sitting at his computer, with his music playing, no he did not have any headphones on. It wasn't until my father came out, that she had gotten help.
Later on, when my father went to go visit her, he just wanted to stay home, in his room. I even went to go and visit my mother everyday while she was in there, my brother, none until she was brought home.
-All day everyday, it is the computer. He comes home, opens the door and goes straight to his room and he does not come out because he is too busy on his computer. He purchases things, and leaves in on. Does he not understand that in this economy he can not pay the bills so he can not leave the computer on for so long?
And what is up with all the purchases? Sure he has a job, but I'll talk about that later. If he is going to buy so many things, and no worry about money, how is he going to pay for things later on in life? I'm not so sure myself either.
-If it weren't for me, my brother would be jobless. In the beginning of the year, he told me about this job, it sounded really interesting. I asked him about it for a while. I also helped him get a job, but he didn't want to get the job at first because he was going to go for a chance at another job, guess what? He didn't get the job, and what was he left with? The one that I helped him get. In the end, he told me that he couldn't get me this job that I wanted. It wasn't a win-win situation as he promised. Bummer.
I can go on, but I prefer not to.
Today, he left the house without any notice. This is one thing that he does all the time. He hasn't come home yet and he hasn't picked up his phone at all. Honestly, we don't know what to do with him now, and his dropping grades.
My brother is not a man, I repeat, my brother is not a man. My mother and I have come to a conclusion. He will be turning 18 in about 2 months and 7 days. I hope he is not reading this right now, for if he is, he better man up and grow up fast. He will come home, and find his bags packed.
Until he comes to his senses to learn how to be a man, he will not be coming home. He also can't hold us accountable because there have been some endless arguments with him about growing up and starting to care about the world around him, family wise and future wise.
I sat down with a counselor the other day. He told me to let him go, other wise he would live his life depending on a female partner. Since me and my mother do take care of him a lot. We do love him a lot, but we also need to let him go so he could learn. Even though we will be up at times thinking about what he is doing right now and how he is doing. I will end this here right now, so I could stop the river of tears my mother and I cry.
What do you think about this?
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xx_ng_xx@xanga - About Me: I'm a sophomore at Columbia, majoring in Poly Sci and Econ. I'm in the Air Force and I love playing the guitar. I sail, and I swim. I especially love traveling and enjoying the little things in life.
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Comments (15)
He sounds like a typical rebellious teenager. No matter what you will do or say, he is not going to change his ways for a while. Not because he doesn't feel that you are right, and not because he doesn't care. Believe me, he knows that you are right and this is the reason why he is doing all the crap that he is doing. Stop trying to babysit him, he is old enough. Don't try and shield him from things that he feels he needs to explore. If he ends up jobless, then he will probably do something to fix the situation. He is not a man, sure. But he is not a kid either.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you should just let him run amock. What I am trying to say, don't treat him like a kid, don't try to change him, and don't babysit him. The more you try to break him, the more he will resist, and the outcome will be disastrous. You can let him know that you care but without any condescendence. And whatever you do, don't think of him as a kid - he is not. Good luck.
I think it's sad, but not altogether uncommon. I agree with the counselor, it may be hard, but the best thing for you to do would be to let him go. It's better that he "crash and burn" now and learn from it - now, rather than later.
When my brother was about 17, and even a bit before that, he too got into a lot of trouble at school and at home. He did poorly in school, skipped classes, and even had some run-ins with the police. To make a long story short, my parents basically took control over most aspects of his life and limited everything they considered "privileges" like the phone, car and what he did in his free time. I was only 11 at the time, but I remember feeling like things would never get better, and our family life was really distressed. But...a couple of years went by and he did straighten out. Today, he's almost a completely different person than he used to be. He's responsible, hard working, and respectful.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think its unusual for your bother to be going through this, and I agree with what some other people have said...he just needs time. My brother straightened out after years of seeming like he never would. So just love him and know that you probably won't understand everything that's going on with him, and he might not be vocal about what he's going through, but with some love and support things just may eventually turn out very well. Also, one of the key turning points with my brother is that he was diagnosed and treated for ADD; everyone says this illness is over-treated, but it helped him tremendously. So if there are any problems that you feel your family can't help him with, encourage him to seek help from those who can.
Is he shy?
I have a twin brother who is like that but he rarely leaves the house. He spends most of his time on the computer, but I don't blame him. He is very shy, has a hearing loss and is scared to do somethings because of health. He is usually a sweet heart if you get to know him but otherwise he seems like a "jerk" because he doesn't talk much.. but.. he can' always hear you. I feel for him.
My brother once saw me fall down when I fainted and didn't get help. He's gotten better though because I had a seizure last night and fell to the floor and he is the one who got my dad.. even though my dad did nothing to help me, my brother helped me. Maybe he just needs talking to and to be shown he is loved.
My brother had good grades in school and is planning on going to college soon. We both work at the same place, well I can't work right now, but we did.
I was in the hospital twice. Once due to a car accident in May this year and he only visited me once I think.. if that.. and that's only cause he was made to.. Then hospitailized because of a bad amount of seizures happening and he visited me once but didn't really talk then stayed home on his computer everyday.
He is always on his computer but I think that's cause he can talk about his feelings easier there. He just doesn't like hospitals or seeing his family sick or in pain and that's why he didnt come visit i think.
I love my brother dearly. (we're both 19)
Let him go. You and your mother both. Tough love is what he needs or he will never grow up.
My brother is the same way with the computer and gaming except that he's very good in college (he's going to be a sophomore this September), doesn't spend a lot of money, does things to help, and doesn't go out without notice... even if he comes home at 1 or 2 in the morning. The worst of all though, he has a bad temper. God forbid you try to talk to him while he's playing that World of Warcraft game. He's on the computer playing it ALL DAY. Luckily though, he recently got a job for a modeling agency so he's busy with that and barely touches the computer... but once the weekend rolls around, the gaming begins and doesn't stop for a whole 13 hours.
Maybe something happened in his life that you guys don't know about? Maybe a breakup or losing a close friend? Try to talk to him about it, if you can. If not, seek someone else's help.
Every family has a few black sheep. Just get a puppy to replace him.
send him off to military school? seems to be the stereotypical solution to these cases
I agree that you have to let him go and let him learn from his mistakes, but it also sounds as if he is suffering here. His behaviors seems to be attention seeking - he may be suffering from a mental illness. Has the family tried having him see a doctor to see if there's something going on such as a chemical imbalance. I think it's so important to get to the bottom of it... you can't let it take the focus of your life, but you can't ignore it either.. he's reaching out to you and your family... help him don't push him away.... if you push him away you will lose him forever... I've seen it happen too many times in my line of work (social worker working with inner city families and their children).
You sound a little judgmental and a little too hateful of your brother. Yeah he's irresponsible and his grades are dropping, but if you're his older sister (I'm assuming) you should know that everyone's different. Just cause you didn't do all these dumb things he does doesn't mean what he's doing is completely wrong. He knows what's right and what's wrong by now. And I'm sure you guys have stressed it enough--if he doesn't get the message, just let him be. He's gonna come back to you guys with his regrets and his tears on why he messed up for so long. And it's not THAT BIG OF A DEAL if he's 17 and he's spending money constantly; yeah it's not a good habit--but he's prlly just buying stuff for himself--and if your family is "comfortable," he's just taking advantage of that. As for the school--he should've learned his lesson on how stupid it is to bring something that's not allowed into school--and if his grades are dropping, then at one time they must've been better, weren't they? Why can't they be that way again? Ask him that.
Your mom, your father, and You have to stop critcizing and pointing everything out for a minute. You're just going to drive your brother away even more and he might even mess up in a worse way. Tell him what he's doing is not the best thing, and recognize all his good qualities--tell him about the good things he has done, what he was like, and how he can still do it. Then, tell him of the way he's taking things now and the consquences that may follow. The most important thing is to remind him that you're his family and ultimately you love him. You care for him and want only the best for him--but you can't just oppose every single thing that he does--esp cus he's a freaking guy! He's definetaly not gonna be tamed especially at 17 going on 18. But remind him and remind yourself and your parents that he's family--when they go astray, we show them the right way--we don't scrunitize them for their faults every bit of the way.
Good luck! And I wish you and your family the best, with peace and happiness. I'm sure your brother is a good kid.
Kicking him out of the house is just going to cause more problems.
If I were you (and your family) I would just confront him and talk about all these issues. Maybe go to family counseling.
Complaining about everything he does isn't going to solve ANYTHING.
Anyway, I'm sure I don't know the whole situation, and my advice is completely unsolicited, but I really think you and your mom should think about another option.
Because honestly, forcing him out of the house rather than dealing with the issues will do a lot more harm than good.
Imagine if you were in his shoes. You come home one day to find that all of your stuff has been packed up and that you are no longer allowed in your home. And you're told that it's because you have to grow up, which frankly, I find, isn't even a good reason. It's too indirect. If the reason were, for example, he was abusing a family member, then that would be a good reason to make him leave. Because, In that case, it would be self-defense. In this case, however, everything stems from the fact that your family cannot deal with the problems. What he needs is simply discipline.
But I digress. My point is, and this can really be applied to any situation: Deal with the problem. Don't run away from it.
Because by kicking him out, that's what you'll be doing. Running away.
Anyway, if my words offend you or your family, then I am truly sorry about that. But I strongly urge you to reconsider, or at least think about this decision longer, before you send a child out and alone to the streets.
Why would he WANT to change? What's his motivation? He's got it good. All he has to do is tune out what everyone tells him and life marches on for him. Sweet deal.
It took 18 years for him to come to this point, how long are willing to go for him? Because if no one around him drastically changes their behavior in regards to him, he's got another 70 or so to go. Can you imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life, your parents dealing with it for the rest of their lives?
So, the counselor is spot on. Let go. He isn't your problem, but if you KEEP making him your problem, he will always expect to be your problem. You can only fix him by NOT fixing him. You can't want him to be responsible while taking care of him. It doesn't work.
Its crazy (literally the definition of insane) to keep doing the same things but expecting a different result. Change your behavior. Its all you can do.
Letting him go out on his own does not seem the best solution, you would be worrying about him ..worrying what he is up to. 18 yrs old.........does not make him a man. He needs motivation, in work or school, his addiction to the computer is not healthy.........it makes him a lonely and friendless person.
Before letting him go on his own..........get rid of the computer.........IT'S easy to talk when one is not involved, but serious action has to be faced. 18....TODAY 2009 does not make him a man....actually some 50 year olds aren't men........Crying won't help.....action helps. I do not think your counsellor is wise, it is just not taking responsibilty and turning a blind eye to a young person who needs help.RITAOh wow. For a moment there I was wondering if I had inadvertently (possibly in a fit of sleep-typing) created this post myself. Shades of growing up with an incredibly rebellious older (by 4yrs) brother. Happily for him, the former grunting, rude, sullen, thoughtless teenager has morphed into a mostly agreeable (life would be boring if we agreed ALL the time), happily married career man. Sometimes I think "Gosh, all that time nicking computers from the local school and spending what seemed like weeks on end holed up in his (black) bedroom, stereo up to 11 and eyes squared (from the proximity of the computer to his eyeballs) and bloodshot (NOT entirely from the proximity of the computer to his eyeballs...) have in some way made him the man he is today - a computer genius who built this here computer I'm using right now! In hindsight, I should've been applausing him for showing an interest in technology!
None of us have a portal to the future. We can not predict the unfathomable twists and turns of life and progression and maturing of our own characters, let alone anyone else's. So don't give up on your brother!
For the record, I was the A-grade student. I was the daughter who strived for perfection and to please the parents at every turn. I was the one who worried (much like the writer of the post) about the flaws in my brother's behaviour or character even. Worry, worry worry. But it turns out the only place it got me is to a dark place in my own head and a 16 yr battle with anorexia. And in turn a taste of what it feels like to be the black sheep in the family. How ironic.
You cannot control your brother's behaviour, only how you react to it. Don't get wrapped up in it to the detriment of your own life and wellbeing.