Sunday, 12 July 2009
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Why Do People Think Those Who Don't Want Children Are Selfish?
I was never the kind of girl to want children. I went through a phase when I was 14, but that passed by very quickly. I never had problems with kids - I just didn't want any of my own. My whole life people would say "You will when you are older." "Oh you will someday." "Oh, that is really selfish." "It's not a good idea for selfish people to have children anyway." The latter statement coming from my OWN mother. (Who has 4 children and is actually VERY selfish)
Actually, no. I am not selfish at all. In fact, my reasons for not wanting children are beyond compassionate. I simply don't believe that women should be stuck on having a whole slew of her own children when so many in the world need homes. I don't believe that someone who cannot comfortably provide for her child should have one. I do NOT believe that someone who wants to travel the world and spend a lot of time caring for other people should have children. When you have a baby he or she should be the entire center of your world. Its what humans are made to do - have babies, watch them grow up, then die. Obviously in modern times it isn't that way anymore and that's a GOOD thing. But it is so heartbreaking when people have children for selfish purpose then call someone who doesn't want kids SELFISH.
How many of you don't want children, but still want to help nurture those that hardly have a chance in the world? Do you think that those who do not want children are selfish?
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- From: cutesycharm@xanga
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Comments (143)
@ThingsYouDontKnowAboutMe@xanga - Agreed.
i don't think they're selfish. i think the world needs a smaller population.
I don't plan on having children. I can't stand children, they annoy me so much, and I have no idea what to do with them. Don't misunderstand, I don't want them to suffer, I'm just not going to have one.
Of course not. wanting to have kids is not being selfish, whoever said that is being selfish. But what i do think is selfish is those who have kids and dont take care of them or always give there kids to anyone to go out and party or that cant support them finacially and of course the list goes on. NOw THATS SELFISH.
@xXx_Silent_Tears_XxX@xanga - WOW THATS KIND OF HARSH. BUT AT LEAST UR HONEST I GUESS GRRRR
Never selfish to not want to have your own children. I'm probably more prone to adopting than actually having my own kids.
@Catamaran18@xanga - I agree word for word with what you said.
i was told by a coworker that i am selfish for only having 1 child. apparently im supposed to be knocking them out like there's no tomorrow so i can have a huge brood. if i did that, we'd all be living in poverty, and to me, that seems selfish. i dunnnnnowww....
I don't think I have ever herd anyone in my life being called this because they don't want to have children. My hubby and I have not yet been able to have our own so we are fostering.. and I can honestly say there are some really selfish bio-parents out there. I say this because there are parents who want to live their lives any way they chose (drugs, alcohol, prostitution, the list goes on) and have bring these innocent lives into the world and subject these babes to their way of life.
I think its a much smarter person who realizes early that they do not want children and don't go out and get pregnant.
I do think tho that there is a certain amount of martyrdom when it comes to adoption, on the part of the adoptive parents, and I have even herd it from other foster parents. Saying that "we put our own desire for a bio-child aside and decided to adopt. Look what we did. we saved this child" blah blah blah (and I am adopted myself and we are adopting so I hear this crap all the time)
**** NOTE****** my comment does NOT go to all adoptive/foster parents. There are some who, like me and my parents, cannot have children and adopt out of SELFLESS love. I am talking about the ones who do it for themselves, NOT for the children.
Ugh. I hate these conversations. Recently, during a conversation with my mother-in-law, I mentioned to her that I didn't want children any time soon (the truth is that I don't really want them at all....), she responded by reminding me that I'm "not getting any younger." I'm 22 and my husband is 25. The last I checked, we have plenty of child-bearing years ahead of us. As one of my college friends put it, "What I DON'T do with my uterus is none of your business."
That is not selfish, what would be selfish is to bring a child into the world when you can never say that you exactly wanted to in the first place.
@thinkpinkpanther@xanga - They are biologically half sisters, born 16 months apart. We went from zero to two kids (without even thinking we were ready for kids!) in a period of 14 hours. It's taken about six months to feel like we're thriving instead of just barely making it, but it's been the most phenomenal experience of my life.
@mendicantmelly@xanga - You're not getting any younger? Seriously? Because early 20's is FAR to old to consider postponing parenthood. We shut my mother in law up by saying that if she was willing to fund us being parents, we'd have a baby.
We are adopting our daughters now and she made a comment about how "someday we'll have real kids" and I was like really? Because these ones are fake? And because I'm just DYING to gestate a human for nine months so I can contribute to overpopulation?
Whatever.
@JJPrint3rd@xanga - OMG I hate the people who tell my husband and I we are such heroes for adopting! We're not heroes - we wanted to be parents so we made it happen. We have some fertility problems and instead of sinking that money in to making me pregnant, we spent it on a lawyer and things we needed for our daughters. I'm probably going to have so much pent up anger about people saying that that the first time someone says to my daughters how lucky they are that we "rescued" them I'll end up punching them. No one is a hero and no one needed to be saved, we are simply a family that is built on a foundation that is stronger than being genetically connected.
I applaud someone who can say they don't want children because honesty is a quality that the world needs more of. And when someone has thought about it enough to figure they don't want kids, it also makes me respect them because its probably more thought put into it than most people who end up having children. (broken condom, oops! guess I'm having a kid! you know what I mean?)
Having a child is a big job, not to be taken lightly. And I HATE the fact that people assume just because you are a woman with ovaries and a womb you will eventually OBVIOUSLY want to have a child of your own. bulls**t. This world has alot of roles to be filled, and every woman isn't required to fulfill the mother role.
Having said that, I traveled the world helping people before, and even after I had kids. I found that you don't always have to exchange one for the other, AND kids become better adjusted, more well-rounded and have a better world view when they are exposed to the corners of the world - even at a young age. My oldest was in 4 different countries with me (and my husband) before he was 2. And when he was 4 and we went to the Middle East, he picked up the language in DAYS. He jumped right in with the other kids, playing and hanging out. Children really teach us that all humans are the same. We get older and we begin to notice differences before we notice similarities - I don't want my kids to learn to see life that way.
He said to me the other day: "Mom, when I get older, I am going to buy lots and lots of toys and take them to kids all over the world and give them the toys." Awesome. Not many 8 year olds are thinking about that kind of stuff.
I will admit though, having 3 kids (and a hurting economy) has slowed down our international travel for now. But it is something at the heart of our family, and I know we will do it again someday.
NO it's not selfish!
not having children is WAY better than having children when you don't want to
I don't want children. I have always not wanted any of my own. I can barely afford to support myself. How am I suppose to support a family or a child. Have you heard this one, "Oh when the right girl (in your case, guy) comes along, you'll change your mind." I think if the right girl comes along and by some unfortunate miracle I get married, she wouldn't want kids either. Did that ever cross their minds that the right girl for me didn't want kids?
@FogOfConfusion@xanga - I got the whole "When the right guy comes along, you'll change your mind" speech.
I found the right guy- and he doesn't want kids either.
Now they've changed it to, "When you get older, you'll change your mind."
I know I'm still young (24) but I also know my own wants, desires and goals. And having a child doesn't factor into them.
I guess when I go through menopause and can't have them anymore, they'll come up with something new...
@Kait82521@xanga - funny (not ha ha funny).. i was just talking to my mom about the same thing! She commented how they were always praised for adopting and how selfless it is to adopt rather then have your own. I am hearing the same thing now that we are foster/adopting parents.
And I recently found out that my birth mom was informed she was selfish because she gave me up.
people are weird :)
But I do not think it makes you selfish. Many people have good reasons for not wanting to bear children.
I don't want children of my own, but I've often thought of adoption - giving love to a child who is parent less. The thought makes me very happy :)
I don't believe it is selfish to not want children - however I don't believe that people should be pushing their personal feelings and judgements on others for the choices they do make. I have four children - when I was younger I was fine with the idea - I think that there is a place in the world for people who want to care for the unwanted children that are out there...if the cost and red tape was not so attrocious I would consider adopting myself...I come from a large family and I love knowing that they are there. I think it depends on your upbringing and what family means to each person. It doesn't necessarily define a person by how many kids they have or how many siblings or lack there of that they have...besides it takes a village to raise a child and not all of the villagers have a child or a genetic relationship with that child. We all learn from each other at different points in our lives. I respect those who choose not to have children for whatever reason that works for them...I also respect those who take care of other peoples children and I respect people for having families of their own in whatever capacity that may be....the wonderful thing about freewill and choice is that it is your own and to impress upon others your beliefs because you feel that you are right is also very selfish...cheers.
I have no problem at all with people who don't want children. I never wanted kids when I was younger.. I just happen to get knocked up LOL. I certainly don't look down upon or judge anyone for their family choices (no kids or kids).
One thing that bothers me is people thinking procreation is a selfish thing. I didn't have 5 kids cause I just want more of me in the world- my kids aren't even like me LOL And I hope to God people don't think I'm selfish for having 5 kids, I live FOR my kids, it's a huge sacrifice- there are so many things I want to do in life that need to wait a good while.
I dunno, reading some of the comments here kinda bums me out. We can respect those that don't want kids, but do we have to call the breeders selfish too?
btw- I think adoption is a great thing, and I really hope that when my kids are older we can adopt!
I think having children is a personal choice. I don't think that not wanting to have children would make someone selfish. In fact, lots of selfish people have children. It doesn't make them better people.
I think its the people who want children who are selfish, if anything. The world is already an overpopulated, overpolluted mess. How can you even think of adding more people to it? If you want a child, there is no shortage of those who are in need of parents. Adopt!