Sunday, 12 July 2009
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Why Do People Think Those Who Don't Want Children Are Selfish?
I was never the kind of girl to want children. I went through a phase when I was 14, but that passed by very quickly. I never had problems with kids - I just didn't want any of my own. My whole life people would say "You will when you are older." "Oh you will someday." "Oh, that is really selfish." "It's not a good idea for selfish people to have children anyway." The latter statement coming from my OWN mother. (Who has 4 children and is actually VERY selfish)
Actually, no. I am not selfish at all. In fact, my reasons for not wanting children are beyond compassionate. I simply don't believe that women should be stuck on having a whole slew of her own children when so many in the world need homes. I don't believe that someone who cannot comfortably provide for her child should have one. I do NOT believe that someone who wants to travel the world and spend a lot of time caring for other people should have children. When you have a baby he or she should be the entire center of your world. Its what humans are made to do - have babies, watch them grow up, then die. Obviously in modern times it isn't that way anymore and that's a GOOD thing. But it is so heartbreaking when people have children for selfish purpose then call someone who doesn't want kids SELFISH.
How many of you don't want children, but still want to help nurture those that hardly have a chance in the world? Do you think that those who do not want children are selfish?
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- From: cutesycharm@xanga
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Comments (143)
I dont think that they are selfish. You like what you like, and you dislike what you dislike. I don't think anyone realy has the right to judge peple that don't want to have children, the might have good reasons of their own.
I also think it's wrong when people think that those who don't want children also don't like children. Silly people making assumptions.
WOW. I thought I was the only person in the world who didn't want to naturally have my own children...
I have no desire to have natural born children--I do however want to adopt.
Thankfully no one has ever called me selfish--if they had they would also have an earful...
I admire peoples honestly. Some people dont like the thought of being responsible for someone other than themselves or they prefer their carefree style. What I DO think is selfish is when someone who doesnt want kids has them to please other people & the kids end up neglected or abused.
@thinkpinkpanther@xanga - Me too!! My husband and I are currently adopting our first two daughters and I am SO glad I didn't have to give birth to children! Yes, my kids come complete with their own unique set of challenges to get the adoption complete but they are so worth it.
For me, it came down to the fact that while I very much wanted to be a mother, I did not see any appeal in being pregnant or having a baby. I like toddlers and older kids, babies frustrate me. Besides, I think giving birth is pretty damn selfish - how self centered is it to be so focused on recreating your own genetics that you neglect the millions of kids who are without families?!
Whatever - people can make their own choices but you're NOT selfish for not wanting to have kids.
@Kait82521@xanga - Congrats on the babies!!!
are they sibs? I'm just wondering because I'd love to adopt siblings...
No I definitely dont think that they are selfish, and I really did not want any for a long time. When my husband really pushed for it, I was more into it because it was something that I could do for him. He would have been for adoption too, and actually he still wants to do that too.....but all those comments are very familiar to me. My Mom even gets mad when I say that "I never wanted kids until Adam convinced me".....she thinks that it will offend my kids to hear that, but I am all about honesty, just cuz I think that dont mean I love them any less!......I feel that nobody should breed their dog, cuz look at all the ones that need homes already, thinking the same thing about people is OK by me too.
I wouldn't want someone who doesn't want to have children to have children. That would be a disservice to the child they bring into the world. Those who want to help the children who are already in the world can also foster/adopt. I think other people should mind their own business and not tell you what you that you will eventually change your mind.
Word to this post and everyone's comments. Rarely can I say that.
All of the reasons listed are why we've decided to stop at one child. I'm in limbo. I've got one side telling me that I'm selfish for having a child and another side telling me, I'm selfish for not popping out another spawn to keep her company. Ah, well.
I really can't imagine myself as a mother, at least not for a long time. I love other people's kids. But being responsible for my own kids 24/7 scares me. I have other things I want to do. And besides, I have a medical condition that would most likely be aggravated by a pregnancy. I am open to the idea that I might change my mind, but at this point in my life, I am not ready to be a mom, and I can't see myself being ready for a long time. I think too many kids are born to parents who really don't want them, and they have no choice in the matter. I do have a choice. I don't want to bring a child into a situation where they are not wanted.
Personally, I don't and have never had wanted children. People always tell me that I'm selfish or my mind will change when I get older, but I really don't think it will. I'm not the biggest fan of kids, but I can deal with them and they pretty much like me.
If I brought a child in this world that I didn't want just to please other people, then that in turn would be selfish of me, or anyone else who did the same- having a child I wasn't ready to love for my own reasons. Think about that.
I don't think they're selfish. I think people have a right to want or not want kids. Of course just a general rule of thumb you shouldn't say never, because you don't know what you'll think in 5 years. If you just don't want kids right now or just don't want more kids right now I think it's perfectly reasonable.
That`s not necessarily true, but that`s the only thing people can think of when a female claims she doesn`t want kids.
I said that to my mom, that I didn`t want kids because of the inevitable stretch marks, and the way some kids, like my dear brother, turn out, and she gave me the usual, "You will one day."
And I most likely will. As for you, just ignore it. Or adopt a kid from a third world country and tell those people to shut it.
I don't think it should matter what others think. If you don't want kids you don't want kids. That's how you feel right then and there and it isn't their responsibility to speculate on whether or not you will want them in the future, or if they think you SHOULD have kids. It doesn't matter the reason, whether it's because you actually don't like children, don't want to bring any in this world, are career motivated... seriously, the only person who should have any reason to make conversation about that is someone you might be in a relationship with forever. I also get sick of hearing those things, but I never have been told I'm selfish. Just that I will have them eventually, or that it's different when it's your own kids. I just happily ignore it.
Children would be nothing more than a vulnerability if my dream career of assassin ever takes off... in fact, they might try to assassinate me if my plans for world domination ever come to fruition. Of course, I think that puts me in the "Too selfish to spawn" category. So I have a drive for self preservation and don't want some nasty little parasite sucking away my nutrients for 9 months, and then my bank account for the next 20 years (I honestly wonder why my parents say they love me). What of it?
I agree.
I've already decided that I won't have kids of my own because I have bad depression and I don't wish to ever pass my depression on to my own kids and watch the pain I go through happen to them. When I bring up the fact that I won't have any kids, my family immediately jumps down my throat with 'Oh, you say that now, but one day...' or 'That's pretty selfish to say...' But, I think my reasoning is rather the opposite, but I guess it's common in these times to view that as selfish.
I definitely want a kid in the future, but I don't want my own.. As you said, there are plenty of children who need help and don't have a house to live in. I'd rather take in someone else's kid and make their life easier and happier than possibly make my own horrible. But, to each their own. People's opinions won't change and they'll still say your selfish.
i think 2 people should have 2 children or less. that way, no overpopulation! brilliance.
I don't think I want to have children either at any point in my life, maybe because I don't see myself as a mother or it's probably because I used to work at a children's museum. Who knows why people find us spinsters selfish and who cares? It doesn't mean we can't be generative to the younger generation. I'm probably going to have to take care of my autistic brother when I'm older, and having my own brats to worry about would be difficult.
It is true that I don't want children for some selfish reasons. Meaning I want my future husband to myself and I don't want to be responsible for someone else's life. But if I did have children, I feel like all my reasons for even considering it are selfish too. Like not wanting to be alone and wanting to be cared for when I am old, which in this day and age is no guarantee. People can call me selfish if they want, but I know that the desire to have children (although I love babysitting them, especially babies) is just not there.
I'm 28. I've never wanted children. When I date I make sure that this is an issue that is discussed pretty early on. If the guy really wants a family then clearly the relationship is not going to go anywhere. I'm okay with that.
I don't want children. I feel that I am being selfless by NOT having a family and keeping the world from becoming overpopulated. The population is growing exponentially, and there is no way we can all fit on it with improving health care, technology, and lack of birth control in undeveloped countries. Good job, you are helping the world be a better place for the next generations!
At the moment I don't think I want children (though I'll keep the option available in case I change my mind). If anything I believe that deciding not to have kids is responsible. When you come to that decision it's because there is a reason for it. Whether it be lack of money, lack of patience/love for children, or because you plain old know that a child is not right for you.. whatever your reason it's more than likely good enough to not have kids.
I'm okay with babysitting kids. I've been a backseat mother to 5 other children and I continue to be the main/default babysitter as they grow up. I can take care of kids fine. I've taken courses, classes, and like I mentioned, personally took care of 5 children from the day they were born.
But actually raising a child is different. I don't have the patience. I love my adult lifestyle and I don't see myself wanting to give it up. Even then, I don't think it's fair to bring another child into the world when there are already so many without homes or families. That's why I plan on adopting an older child one day when I'm grown. I say older because 1. I don't have the patience for kids and 2. imagine how an older child at an orphanage must feel. Once they hit 5 they pretty much know that their chances of being taken into a family have died out. What a horrible feeling. I would love to give them another chance.
You seem self-aware and your reasons for not wanting children are not only reasonable, they're really selfless. People who don't want children are not selfish. People who bring children into the world and cannot or don't want to properly take care of them and love them are the selfish ones.
I do not want children but I think that some of my reasons are selfish, I guess that is just who I am. I don't really want to be tied down by a child, and having to care for them for at least 18 years if their life.
I also don't believe that I would make a good mother. I have a little sister, 9 years younger then me, that I've had to watch and take care of plenty of times. I notice that I get agitated very easily and I certainly don't want to be the mother who shouts at their child when they don't behave, I have that tendency to raise my voice when I'm angry.
I'm still young so maybe I'll mature a bit and figure out a better way to manage my anger and may consider the possibility of kids, natural born or adopted, but right now I fear what kind of mother I could become and how it would affect my child as they grow up.
Yeah I think that people who don't want children is fine. I can understand how troublesome raising a child is like, but I also understand the joy of giving life. Both gives happiness.
I've been called selfish before because I do not want children, and I will be honest, it /is/ because I do not like children and I do not want to sacrifice my desires for them. So most would say I am doing so for selfish reasons. However, I fail to see the logic, seeing as I am not harming or neglecting the never-to-be-conceived child. Some cite obligation to family (my Mom wants grandchildren and as a male by not conceiving the name dies with me), but it is not their decision to make.
Also, mad props to those not conceiving their own in order to better the lives of those already here.