Wednesday, 08 July 2009
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Response to Comments From "Having a Girl Will Ruin My Life" Post
This is my response to this recent Momaroo post.
First and foremost, I'd like to thank the Xangans who understand my feelings and gave me very encouraging comments. I really appreciate them.
Some comments really hit the nail on the head when they clarified that it is not that I hate my child, but rather that I can't stand the pressure my kind of society is giving me and I hope for a boy to give myself an easier time. It is truly heartening to see such comments.Besides this, there are some things I'd like to clarify:
Some asked why I even bother to have a baby given my kind of mentality on not liking kids that much and wanting only a boy. For your information, I had been putting off having a baby for 5 years because I'm not a kids person and I was not ready mentally to be a mother yet. Though I started to warm up to the idea of having a baby recently because I really enjoy interacting with my niece who likes me a lot, giving me the broadest smile when I visit her.
My husband is starting to go into this transcendence phase, where he hopes to have a child who inherits his genes and traits. My mother has always wanted me to have a child, and seeing that she is not young anymore, I feel that I have this obligation to fulfill her wish. All these compounded to why I having this baby.
Quite a number assumed that I will hate the baby just because her gender is not what I had wanted, with some even suggesting to give up the baby for adoption! Wrong assumptions, I must say. Disappointment and hatred are two very different things. It is the same thing with our body, everyone has some parts of their body that they feel less than perfect, and may even complain about those parts, but that does not mean that they will hate their body and alienate those parts (though some did). They just have to live with every part of their own body and learn to love and embrace their own body. The same thing goes for my baby, I'm disappointed, but I will still love my own flesh and blood, giving the best to my child.
So do I worry about my child finding out about what I had written, knowing that being a girl can potentially ruin my life? No, I don't. I don't see why I should hide this feeling of mine away from my child since I always believe in honesty, especially with one's own child. I believe that my child should be a strong willed individual, not easily defeated by this mere information.
Yes, I'm a daughter myself, and I know full well that I ruined my mother's life, for just being a girl. Not that she told me that, but it was so obvious from the way the elders and relatives discriminated against her. I will not go into the details, all I can say is that my mother suffered a lot. Despite all these, my mother still loves me a lot, always saving the best for me. So to me, knowing that I sort of ruined my mother's life with the possibility of disappointment with my gender on her side, did not get me down at all because the most important thing is that she loves me. So I just studied hard in attempt to climb up the social ladder, to prove that being a girl is no lesser than being a guy. And so I expected that my child to be someone who is spurred to do better in the face of adversaries, instead of becoming depressed when faced with the truth.
By the way, I had stepped out of the bouts of depression that I had when I wrote that post, in addition to the assurance from my husband that we will not have a 2nd child, I'm feeling a lot better and learn to take things easy. Thanks again to all those supportive Xangans!
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Comments (22)
I have to applaud your honesty and the bravery you have. It was clear from your first post that your reality is not the western "norm" culturally. That whole concept gets people's dander up to begin with, so much so that they didn't take time to investigate your reality; Reality, not as it should be in an ideal world, but how it really IS here and now, ugly bits and all.
If we really discussed gender when expecting truthfully, a lot women would express dissapointment of having one over another. In western culture, you'd be burned at the proverbial stake for having an ounce of regret when your hope isn't realized. One cannot get over what one is not allowed to feel: repression is damaging, truth is healing.
I think that what you've done, what you are doing by speaking your truth is actually raising the bar for your daughter by setting an example of what it means to thrive in reality, even when its not pretty, and how to navigate it gracefully.
I think your great and agree about your honesty and bravery just like the last person. I somewhat felt similarly when I discovered I was pregnancy, but perspective really changes when you have one of your own. I wasn't too fond of kids until I had my own, I'm still not too fond of some kids, but my kids keep me grounded, and have shown me the world in a totally different light. So even if people bug you about having another one, you just may want another one after your first. You've taken all the negativity from strangers with such pose and grace that I'm sure that you'd be able to do the same with your family.
I'm glad things are already looking up!
I didn't read your original post until just now, and I, too, must applaud your bravery and I understand your feelings. I am currently working with several Chinese people and I am starting to pick up some things about the culture-- and one woman told me that she believes that female children bring fortune and luck to the family, so maybe you have good things in your future!
Also, I wish you would take into consideration having more than one child-- I know its a daunting thing and you'd rather not do that to your body, but I am an only child and it makes me pretty miserable. I will have the responsibility of my parents when they get older, and while I can't complain, it could potentially be a huge burden. Its also pretty lonely sometimes. I'm 22 and I still wish to this day that I had siblings, especially after seeing my boyfriend and his three brothers and the solid family and sibling network they have. Siblings are very, very important!
I'm glad you're cheering up a bit! P.S. I hope your child ends up similar to my "niece" (because your cousins are your brothers and sisters). She was the type to laugh things off even at 1 and 2 years of age. :) I'm particularly intrigued by your situation so do keep in touch! :)
i am very happy you are feeling better about all of this!
i now feel like out of this adversity, you will raise a very strong-willed and intelligent woman, as you yourself appear to be.
:]
I've never seen my mom have much pressure for having only a girl child for about 10 years and about 3 miscarriages. But my grandma does scold me through telling her how to teach me how to behave. :o
=] what a nice post. I'm glad you are a stronger person for it and I'm proud to have you for a fellow woman.
I read your original post but didn't comment last time. Honestly, I felt people were so upset over a matter of semantics. If one can take the post as a person's personal blog, where she is expressing candidly how she feels at a particular moment, and not as an "article" written specifically for the Momaroo audience, it's easier to read between the lines to what you were really getting at and not taking statements like "a girl will ruin my life" literally. No worries! :)
i am glad to see that you and your mother are such strong individuals. i hope your daughter will be, too, and i hope you get over your disappointment. i truly think there's nothing to be sad about. you're warming up the idea of a child, and now you'll have one!
those who discriminated against your mother for having a girl are scum (i apologize, but i feel very strongly about this). don't let archaic, scummy people dictate your life. you'll have a child who will inherit not only your husband's traits, but your strength and the legacy of the women in her family. don't forget that that legacy matters, too.
I do undersand the differences in culture and the problems that you are addressing in here. I do believe that you have a right to share all these feelings and not be attacked for them in the blog because it is great to get them all written out, but I wanted to get my own opinion out on just one tiny subject.
The honesty you want to provide to your child about this - you should really think very hard before letting a child hear that there was even a slight bit of dissapointment in their gender for you, as a parent. Its a tender subject and you don't know how your child will react to it. My mother told me when I was sixteen that she was upset I was a girl because of our religous believes and the way we live and that she never wanted a girl and still thought it too difficult to deal with at times. [Those weren't her exact words, but it was a few years ago now] and that moment was painful and changed how I viewed myself and my mother. I love her deeply, but we will never reach the open relationship that we had back before she told me that again, because she sent me into a deep depression with the news of not being enough for my mother.
I don't understand how having a girl could ruin anyone's life...why did
your elder family members give your mom such a hard time?? A child is a
blessing no matter the gender. Some people even hope for a little girl
when pregnant, instead of a boy. In my opinion, to be disappointed
about the gender of your baby being a girl, is to be disappointed in
yourself as a woman (being one) I think you should be proud of
yourself, and your little girl...screw what the rest of the world says!
Women are amazing, what would ever make anyone else think otherwise?
Look, I'm not trying to be offensive, and I hope I'm not coming off
that way. I would like to encourage you to give your daughter reasons
to be proud of who she is...not reasons to be disappointed in her
gender. I hope everything works out for the best : )
I think you're going to be a wonderful mother. :)
I know of and respect the cultural ideal behind this post and the original. I do have a bit of concern over your strong interest in eventually telling your daughter that you were disappointed upon finding out she was a girl. This could just be a matter of cultural differences, though I am doubting hat, more on why later, but I believe that you are setting her up for a life time of difficulties. To explain a bit more, look how terrible you felt, and still fell, upon learning that your nother felt the same about you. You even think that because of your gender you have somehow ruined your mothers life.
Let's be honest here, the only one who ruined your mothers life, if that is indeed what she claims you did, was your mother for allowing others in the family to make her believe that you were somehow inferior. She should have told them to back off and stuck up for you, mostly, or rather, obviously, because no one has control over what gender they will be. How your mother handled the situation should not be reflected on to you. Upon reading this I also do not believe that you are truly out of your depression, simply because of the amount of blame you place upon yourself.
If we want to be even more honest, the only one who will be responsible for ruining your life is yourself, not your daughters, for the same reasons that I listed above. Quite frankly, though this may be more easily said than done, I think you really shouldn't give a flying fuck what society wants. It is not society that has to raise the child, it is you, and feeling bad or sorry for yourself because she is what she is, is not going to help that.
Again, I know of and respect the culture you come from, but I believe that there is still alot more that you need to address and to really help yourself get through this.
I don't think haing a girl will ruin anyones life.
Heh, my best friend is one of five girls in her family... no sons. Apparently, her paternal grandmother gave my best friend's mother hell for only having girls. Someone should have told the grandmother that it's the men's fault as to whether the baby is male or female...
When I found out my youngest child was a boy, I cried. At that point I already had 2 boys and a girl and really wanted another girl. At the time, I felt horrible for even thinking that way but I had so many reasons for wanting a girl I blew it all up in my head. I wrestled with having to circumcise again (which I ended up happily not doing) and was crushed that I wouldnt' be able to use my daughters cute things again (stupid right?). Until he was born I had this insane fear that I wouldn't love him or want to hold him.. which of course was the furthest thing from the truth! His father caught him as he was born and when he handed him to me I couldn't firgure out why I was worried at all! He is just as perfect as his siblings and I couldn't love him more!
I know this is not the same as having a cultural issue hanging over one's head but I do understand how strong a pregnant woman's emotions can get and the seemingly irrational thought process that follows. No matter what, enjoy the beautiful little girl you will soon be blessed with and I hope you have a wonderful birth!
when i found out my oldest was a boy...i bawled my eyes out.I wanted a girl so bad.i didnt want a boy....but i gotta say,i cant imagine him being a little girl...im actually glad now that hes a boy...
Just be strong. Who knows your baby may be hiding it's little penis right now. If I came off harsh in the other comment I left, all I meant is it's really upsetting that you have to be so worried about the gender of your baby. I hope that your family doesn't make you too upset if it does end up being a girl. If you don't live near your family and they call you just to put you down about having a girl I would just hang up on them.
In Canadian/American culture we celebrate both genders the same, seeing as we can have as many children as we want. Although obviously some famillies are taking it a little too far *cough* Jon and Kate...the Dougers *cough*. We enjoy our girls and boys the same amount.
Anyways, good luck. Enjoy your baby whenever (s)he is born.
I fully support you. I know that you will grow to love the baby with your whole heart. This will, most likely, happen before she is born.
As far as disappointment goes, you will not feel that way forever.
I know I want a boy when I have children, but if I were to have a girl I would be okay with that. People just don't quite understand.
Also, you deserve extra credit for putting yourself out there. Not everyone likes to expose themselves about their heritage that way.
I can't even imagine how much pressure would be put on you in that kind of culture. I just hope you're willing to stand up for your baby and other women in your family who have girls. Maybe you can slowly change the perception of girls in that culture - not its entirety, but at least in your family.