Tuesday, 07 July 2009

  • Am I Passive Because I'm an Only Child? Or is it Just Me?


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    I had a little experience today that made my eternal life situation apparent: I'm an only child and I'm always reminded when I find even the smallest task of asking someone not to do something as a rule of courtesy in the household nearly impossible.

    Here's what happened:

    I came home to find my bag of chips eaten. I'm in the middle of PMS right now and while a pill may control my mood, my cravings have never wavered. I needs my chips, yo! I was actually mad that my chips were gone. I was also pissed that I could leave dirty dishes around for 4 days and nobody else ever thinks to take it upon themselves to wash them. More often than not I feel like a maid, but I'm getting off track. I told Nate that AJ ate my chips and that I was mad about it. He said, "So go hit him." What a typical brotherly response. It's not in me to walk over to someone, slap them upside the head and say, "Don't touch my food!" It seems too petty make a big deal out of it, but I still have to say something even if it comes out as a side note just to help me feel better. After I told Nate he told AJ to go out and buy me another bag of chips.  I wouldn't have even told him to go get me another bag of chips if I had the guts to put my foot down. It would have been a "Just so you know for next time..." conversation.

    That being said, I always imagine myself putting my piece out there firmly with authority, but diplomatically and nicely. But at the end of the day I've always had a fear of starting conflict no matter what it's about, no matter how little the issue is. I hate having to defend myself. I get hostile. And the few times it has happened it had never ended well. I overreact and I get overemotional and often say things I don't mean and regret. I also have issues with pride. I hate admitting that I was in the wrong and I hate apologizing. So I avoid the scene altogether.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm a doormat.

    I often think that I could see a therapist about my lack of assertiveness. But, would it really help? It doesn't stem from any traumatic childhood experiences. It comes from....nowhere. It's just how I am. I personally think it's a byproduct of being an only child. Without having a brother or sister to pick on me and vise versa I've never learned how to grow a back bone. The percentage of people who grow up with siblings is much higher than those who don't, so unfortunately, there are all those people out there who just do not and will never understand what it's like to be an only child and where my shyness and passive nature stems from.

    It's hard living with two brothers because I don't understand the dynamic. Granted, how they grew up as kids plays a huge role, no matter who it is. But, looking at the whole sibling thing through only child eyes I've always believed that siblings have a connection in a similar way a mother has a connection with her baby. It's always there, no matter what. However, I'm open to being corrected on this one because I do not and never will understand what it's like to have a sibling.

    Is there anyone else out there who is an only child? Moms, would you have more than one child only for the sake of your first child?

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Comments (13)

  • Nina1981@xanga

    I grew up with an older and younger brother with daily conflicts.
    But as an adult- I avoid conflicts!  I am a major doormat.  I hate it.. but I'd rather not fight with people.
    I can't speak on the having just 1 child, cause I'm up to 5 now lol, but I understand why a couple may want a single child. 

    Oh, and I didn't have more kids just so my oldest wouldn't be an only child.  It all just sorta happened lol.
  • LonerB@xanga

    I am the only child and I don't think that it's your issue. You are just suffering from Being-Too-Nice-And-Scared-To-Do-Something-Bad syndrome. If someone ate my chips (well, in my case it would be coffee and smokes but that's not the point) I would go medieval on their ass. Especially when PMS-ing. And I could care less if that person was the Pope himself. But this is probably why sometimes even I refer to myself as Sarcastic Bitch From Hell. But hey, my coffee and smokes are untouched ;)
  • vashts6583@xanga

    I'm actually similar.  I'm an only child, and even when living with my roommates last year and they'd walk all over me, I never said anything.  I wanted to... I really did.  However, nothing was said, and at the end of the year, we all went home.  Sure I complained a lot, but I never did anything, except passively fight back (if the thermostat was too high, I turned it down a bit, etc.)

    I'm really not one to be a fighter, unless it's just shenanigans.  I wish I could be at times, though...\

    ...but there it is.  You aren't alone, but don't be afraid to actually say "Hey, that was really rude.  I never ate your chips without asking, so what gives you the right to do that to me?"
  • elittlebear@xanga

    I met passive people, but they are not the only child. 
  • myfate22@xanga

    I am an only child (I have half siblings but they are 14 years or more older than me). I do think this is part of being an only child. I hate conflict but will deal with it when I have to. My significant other, well you know being male, isn't the cleanest person and I get frustrated cleaning after him sometimes. I know if I just say something he'll try to be better but I don't want him to think I'm nagging. 


    Must be, since we didn't have the daily conflict of a sibling when we were younger, we never learned to effectively deal with it. 
  • Peridot21@xanga

    ehh i'm the oldest of four...and i'm passive (well, passive-aggressive might be more accurate ha) ...and actuallyyyy, i know quite a few people that are only children and they aren't all that passive...soooo, i guess that means, what, it's just you...and me??   ... 

  • TheCaffeinatedKnitter@xanga

    I'm fairly passive myself, but I'd be pissed if someone ate my chips (or chocolate, for that matter).  I have been that way my entire life, and I'm the oldest of 3 (well, middle of 5, but the older two are half-siblings who almost never were around when I was growing up). Perhaps it's just your personality.  I don't think there's anything wrong with it, as long as you aren't ticked at yourself for being that way.
  • olasdelmar@xanga

    I don't know about the passivity but being an only child, does anyone here make to do lists (fairly often?) and then cross out each item on the list as opposed to checking it off?

    I'm an only child and that apparent trait of only children to make lists and then not check but cross out really got me... "I do that!" "How did they know?" (book I read on birth order said this is so)
  • fueledbylaura@xanga

    I'm an only child and im pretty much the same way.
  • augustt_ends@xanga

    see, thats strange. im an only child and i usually LOOK for confrontation [ i know, shame on me, im not proud of it haha]. its probably more of who you are as an individual and not how many kids you were raised around.


    and I DO CROSS OFF MY LISTS! thats odd. they're spying on us!
  • CoconutPalapa@xanga

    I don't make lists often, but I do, in fact, cross off instead of check my items. Very strange.
  • filtered_sunlight

    Tim and I are both only children and had planned for Megan to be an only child. The best laid plans... *sigh* I watch the boys fight - literally. WWE SMACK DOWN!-style - and thank my lucky stars that I was an only child! It looks miserable! Personality...well...I used to be much the way you are, but I've grown as a person to see that you can stick up for yourself without actually smacking someone upside the head. LOL. My likely response would have been, "Hey, uhm, those were my chips you snarfed. When you go out again, can you please replace them?Thank you." (No space...I'm not waiting for a response. ) You have to learn how to put your foot down at some point.


    @olasdelmar@xanga -  They have been spying on us! Tim & I do the same thing...? It's easier to tell what's already been done! Clearly, we're just more logical like that.

  • brief_psychotic@xanga

    I'm an only child too and I'm sort of a doormat. But I am very happy with myself... I wouldn't change the way I've been raised. Just hoping I can raise my kids as well as my parents raised me, I guess.

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