Monday, 06 July 2009
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Having a Girl Will, Sort of, Ruin My Life
I just had my ultrascan, and my gyno informed me that my baby will most probably be a girl. Disappointment and anguish quickly overwhelmed me because I've always wanted a baby boy instead.
Though things did not turn out the way I wanted, don't worry, I'll still be keeping the baby and provide all the needs for the baby. Despite deciding to move on with this undesirable knowledge, I still can't help feeling very depressed, to the point that I feel like breaking down and just cry, knowing that my dreams and life will be shattered into pieces.
You may be curious about why having a girl will sort of ruin my life. For one thing, I'm not someone who loves kids a lot (though I will absolutely love my own child, my nieces and nephews), so I am very sure about just having one only kid and give the best to that one kid, without exhausting my own resources. The problem is that in Chinese society, the elders always want us to give birth to boys, so as to continue the bloodline. So giving birth to a girl just means one thing; I will forever be continuously be bugged by the elders about giving birth to a second one, which I absolutely dread. Sometimes, I simply hate Chinese culture...
Yeah sure, I can ignore all this bullshit and carry on, but the pressure is not only on me, but also on my hubby. I don't want him to suffer from this selfish reason of mine to have one kid only, yet I'm that selfish, unwilling to compromise. Not to mention, is there any guarantee that the second one will be a boy? What if that is not the case, do I have to continue giving to the third, fourth, fifth, sixth or even seventh just to get a boy? So am I even considered as human by then? Or am I just a machine to fulfill those selfish elders' expectations?
Having a child is not easy, so is giving birth to the baby, taking care of the child and nurturing the child. So it really saddens me to think about all the sacrifices I had to make for my baby, yet not helping me to get out of this situation.
Right now, I just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
To the moms out there, do you have such feelings before, knowing that the gender of your baby is not what you wanted?
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Comments (146)
I really hope your kid doesn't ever find out that she ruined your life. That can be very detrimental to a child's psyche.
wow! I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation! I hope by the time your precious little girl is born, you'll be excited to meet her. In times like this, you can at least be comforted by the fact that you can conceive!! I know A LOT of people who would be delighted to be pregnant, no matter what the gender! Best wishes as you learn to deal with this.
I have heard of parents wanting a certain gender. Not so much right away but especially when they have multiples of one gender. I was upset when my last sister was born cause it made it 4 girls but that disappointment lasted for a second maybe. I personally want a boy a one point but I'll take what I'm given obviously.
I don't think you should let culture determine your feelings on your children but I understand how ingrained that becomes.
This is your baby, not the elders, and as long as you love her that's all that should matter.
Actually I did feel really upset when I found out my baby was a girl (well the first one) and after I got over that I decided I would have more so I could have a boy. Having a child changes everything all you feelings change to. After you have her you may want more.
To me, it doesn't sound like you think your life is actually OVER because you're having a girl. Only that you're seriously not looking forward to having to deal with the expectations of the older people in your life, however old-fashioned and closed-minded their opinions might be.
As an Asian-American woman, I get it. And I'm sorry that you feel such crushing pressure from those in your life about not having a boy. I could say, shake it off, but seeing as how these traditions might as well be sealed in stone, "shaking it off" isn't quite an option. It's hard going into mom-hood knowing that people will offer their not always appreciated opinions and old-fashioned ways into your life.
I don't have great words of wisdom for you, other than to say that I get it. I get why you feel the way you do. It's hard when you've got the weight of thousands of years of the same-mindedness pressing into your life when you're about to go in a different direction. I hope that for the sake of you relationship with your daughter that you and her father are able to come to an agreement that includes shielding her from thinking that, because she's a girl, she won't ever be enough to measure up.
My husband gave up on trying to have a boy. we have three girls now. we are just greatful that our littles ones are healthy.
Sense its your first child it shouldnt matter what u are having just know that u have a blessing growing inside of you and just pray that your bundle of joy is healthy.
I understand how ur culture is but i mean your parents/family can nag u as much as they want but if u and your husband decide that you guys dont want anymore kids then i think u shouldnt be force to have anymore.
why did u have a child if u dont love kids so much?
I would love to have either gender.
I've never cared either way the sex of my baby. BUT I can tell you I had 3 girls before I had a boy... so I don't suggest having more kids in hopes of a boy!
Everyone can't have boys- then who will they mate with and make babies with to continue the bloodline if there are no girls left? Girls are just as important in continuing the bloodline as boys are. Just cause the name may not carry on, the bloodline still does.
I sympathize with you, I really do, because I understand you're under pressure to have a boy. At the same time though.. you're having a baby. You're bringing a life into this world. It's selfish to say that she's going to ruin your life. You're the one who chose to bring her into this world. You aren't even giving her a chance.
Why are boys better than girls? This idea that people have just sickens me. Women can carry the "bloodline" just as well as men. Please, don't hate your child because she is a beautiful girl. Do you hate yourself because you are a girl? Unable to carry on your last name? (for me, I will keep mine. if i end up marrying my current boyfriend, which is unlikely, i expect him to adopt my last name)
Though, coming from your culture, I do understand. My friend's mother was forced to become pregnant again by her mother-in-law when she was about 50. I don't remember everything that my friend told me, but it was a horrific story of manipulation and hatred. But please, you are just as good as a man, so shouldn't your child be? Try to be strong!!
Also, having only one child is the most unselfish thing a person can do. People want to have more kids, more people to nurture, but the world is getting over-populated. And the need to have a male child will just lead you to have too many kids.
I say, blame it on your husband! It's his sperm that is the deciding factor, X or Y chromosome.
i hate these ridiculously sexist traditions. i'm sorry that they're enough to "ruin your life." it's outrageous that you should be pressured to perpetuate a last name that isn't even really your own.
my kids are so getting a hyphenated last name.
I have been pleased with the genders of both of my children. My daughter's biological father, however, was not. I think that attributed to why he abandoned the both of us before she was born; he definitely wanted a boy. It is really so much fun having a girl, though, especially when they are small and you can dress them up like crazy.
My second child was a boy and my husband was as pleased as punch. I was happy to be having a boy, too, just because it was different. He is now a mama's boy so I take delight in that.
I'm pregnant with my third which I have a feeling is a girl (haven't had an ultrasound yet) and my husband acts a little disappointed though I know he wouldn't leave me over it. It just brings back those feelings I had when I was pregnant the first time, though.
I personally believe ALL children are blessings. Sorry I can't offer any real advice since I've never lived within the Asian culture. I would just try to be strong and bond with your baby no matter what. If you change your mind or are pressured into having a second baby, there are ways that supposedly increase your chance of having a boy. I don't know what the statistics are, but it worked for us with our second baby.
@PenaltyLife@xanga - Most Asian and Arab cultures say that a girl doesn't carry on the blood line because when she gets married she moves in with her husband so its like she is "abandoning" the family. So they prize boys because boys are supposed to help take care of the parents when the parents reach old age (one thing I respect about Eastern culture, how grown kids take care of their elderly) and for Chinese for example they think that a girl can't take care of the elderly parents as easily as a boy.
I would be happy with whatever God gave me. If your in America then your culture doesn't matter here (meaning you can disregard your culture and not have to be forced to abort because the baby is the "wrong" sex). Ignore your elders expectations and live your own life. I hope your daughter doesn't know that she was/is unwanted by your family and yourself. I would hate my mother if I found out that I wasn't what she wanted and was considered "bad" for being a girl! That could seriously mess up your daughter emotionally and mentally knowing she is the "wrong" sex. I think that you should do what YOU think is best, not what your elders thing you should do.
i'm the eldest daughter in a chinese family and let's just say it'd be horrible if i found out one day that my parents were disappointed that i was ever born.
Oye... this kind of frustrates me. I'm sure once you have your baby it won't matter what your family says. I wouldn't take shit from my parents, even if it was part of the culture. You love your baby, because it's your baby. Who cares if it's a girl or a boy? Hopefully they won't put her down when she's born. That would be so sad.
I feel that most of these comments are about their own personal issues and they aren't really getting the picture. Every one else seems hateful. I've never had an issue when finding out the gender of my child. How far along are you? Was this an ultrasound to find out the gender or a regular check up and they thought they'd take a guess? I don't want to give you any false hope, but ultrasounds can be wrong. That's why they aren't supposed to say for sure one way or the other. Plenty of lil' girls turn out to be lil' boys and the other way around. I'm sure you will love your child regardless of his or her gender. I also know that minds change and some don't. You may or may not want more children after this. Plenty of women are happy with one. I think the important thing now is to come to terms with the gender and enjoy your baby and your pregnancy worry about the rest later. I know pressure from your elders to have a boy will not be fun, I know it will cause stress for you and your husband. This is something you two need to discuss and have a firm decision in place. You need to be on the same page. Honestly I understand the male need to perpetuate the bloodline it's in their genes I really don't think they can help that feeling. But no I don't think you should have more babies if you don't want to and your husband should stand by you in that choice. I hope things work out for you and your family!
I find this to be a little over dramatic. As long as the baby is healthy what's it matter if it's a girl or a boy? And if you don't like children, why did you get pregnant in the first place?
good luck, sorry things worked out the way they did, every child is born for a reason. I although would not Try to have a boy. We had 4 girls befor we had our son. There is a way to have a boy, Gender selection, where they take the male sperm out and Insert only the male sperm.
@monkeyseemonkeydo - Ultrasound is actually becoming more and more correct. And if it is a 3D ultrasound then it almost 100 percent. Of 5 kids they where never wrong. And my friend with 5 girls all were correct also. the only time I known one to be wrong was if it said it was a boy, it turned out to be a girl. And that was only one child out of alot.
So i am sure if you where 20 week or more I would belive what they said. It is most likey correct.
I'm not Chinese but I do understand family expectations for having sons. My father was upset that my sisters and I were girls. It is devastating to know that you were unwanted, just because of your sex.
I know that the elders and other family members may try pressuring you and say hurtful words...but for your own sake and that of your daughter, do what is best for your little family. Love her because she is yours. Whether boy or girl, all babies are precious and amazing. I have two little baby girls myself and I am so thankful for them. They are my treasure and I wouldn't change them for anything.
My childhood best friend was first generation Chinese-American. She was the thrid daughter and had a younger brother. Her parents, straight from China, had the same complex you are going through and tried three times to have a boy, but didn't until the fourth time. Back then, China didn't waste a breath over abortion or killing the child after birth.
My friend and her two older sisters grew up in a loveless home. Everything was showered on the boy while nothing was given to the thought of the three girls. They just had to be pretty and very perfect. Their mother hated when any one of the girls tried to be an individual. They had the be the priettiest, the smartest, and the most talented. I remember their endless art lessons, piano lessons, the chenogsams had to be made of the finest silk. Usually white or blue silk as red is saved for marriage.
I remember the hell my friend lived in. Not only a Chinese girl in a very tight, traditional society, but the youngest. You should of seen her, she lives her whole life knowing her parents tried to drown her after her birth. They could deal with two girls, but the mother almost could not stand with the third girl, my friend. The hate all three girls had for their mother.... It is a broken family with only a ten year old boy that holds it all up.
Love your girl. I've seen the all too hard facts of what is like to grow up in a home where you are not wanted or loved... or even aprreciated.
if your were that baby how would yu feel that yu knew that your mother didn't want yu to be a girl. i'm just saying.
I acctualy wanted a girl but didnt care what I had... my husband on the otherhand REALLY wanted a girl, luckly we had a girl. I know you are worried now but once you have the baby and hold her in your arms Im sure you will totaly fall in love with her... and who knows you may decide someday you want another. But I dont reccomend trying to have another just for the sake of having a boy. I understand that your elders will most likely pressure you, but really this is a decision for you and your husband alone. Your the ones who have to raise the child and pay for the child, not them. Just buy yourself some good earplugs ;)
I'm the second child of four. I wonder if my mum was disappointed i wasn't a boy? o_o The fourth one they got him..but he isn't so great hehe. Nah I <3 my brother. Those crazy elders, don't worry they won't be able to bug you your WHOLE life. If they are 'elders' well it makes sense..doesn't it?:P
However, I can't help but feel contempt towards you. I mean, you are having a CHILD for goodness sake! Does gender REALLY matter? The type of person he/she grows up to be is what is infinitely more important. I really just wanna say GET OVER IT.
So your whole life you've wanted a boy as your first (and only) born. Kinda silly thing to pin your hopes and dreams on if you ask me, given the uncertainty of having either. And, feel grateful you are able to fall pregnant! Many out there I'm sure would give trillions just to be in your shoes.
Culture scmulture. Just dont' let your bouncing baby girl find out about this post.
My family didnt like that I had a girl, so I told them not to come around. It was lonely for the first while, but I wasnt about to let my daughter be brought into such a hateful environment. Especially when I was trying to teach her that women are just as good as men and deserve the same treatment. My family got my message and even apologized. I won't let my family think they can decide what makes me happy. I'm very happy, and my beautiful little girl is all I need.
If it's such a big deal, put her up for adoption. I would never want to be the "wrong" child if I was your kid.
Or, you can clean up and tell your elders that they should GTFO, it's none of their business what gender their lovely grandchild is, if they're going to act like immature idiots.