Friday, 26 June 2009

• I Hate Pregnancy Message Board Lingo

  
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  As a newly pregnant woman who is unable to get to my first doctor's appointment until next month, I find myself frequenting pregnancy message boards and forums in an attempt to understand what is going on with my body, and using google as a means of education. This is both a curse and a blessing.
  
  Largely these boards and searches have been a comfort for me. It's nice to hear that women who are just as far along as I am are going through many of the same things and I have already received some great advice and ideas. However, other times I feel that the more educated I become, the more fearful I become.
  
  I am a part of one board that consists of mothers who are all due in January, like me. As time progresses, women have begun dropping off this board in waves. They will write farewell messages: "Well, I went to the doctor today and we didn't hear the heartbeat. Ultrasound confirmed my fears. Looks like my journey ends here." My heart goes out to these women and my fears rise. Just last week they had been chatting happily about their symptoms. I gulp as I think: it could happen to me! I could be next!
  
  Whether they soothe my fears or inflame them, I largely have all good things to say about most of these women. Except for one thing. One thing really really really bothers me about baby-related message boards. The abbreviations! What is the deal with all the lame acronyms?! If you haven't ever visited a pregnancy message board, I'll give you a taste of how a typical post might look:
  
  "Well today I had really bad ms so I went to the bathroom and while there noticed I also had weird CM and my bbs were hurting and I thought I might be pg. This was exciting to me because I have been TTC for awhile. I already have one DD and one DS but my DH and I really want another so I took a POAS and got a BFP! It makes sense since AF hasn't been around for awhile and we had BD right around the time of OV!"
  
  Now I understand if you're a little lost because the first time I read a post like this I was like "whaaaaat?!" I quickly realized that on pregnancy message boards, people like to abbreviate EVERYTHING! I imagine they do it in order to feel like part of a group while at the same time eliminating, oh, I don't know, that extra second they would spend actually writing out the word. Or perhaps they are too embarrassed to type words like SEX or CERVICAL MUCUS or PERIOD. But this still doesn't explain the need to abbreviate words like HUSBAND or DAUGHTER. When I read a post like the one above, I am beyond annoyed! It's the equivalent of reading the blog of some pre-teen's early days on the internet: "OMG like she was ROFL and I'm LMAO bcuz we gtg but he was like wtf! FTW! Luv u bff!"
  
  Excuse me while I puke a little.
  
  My biggest beef with the pregnancy-related abbreviations isn't the fact that they exist, but rather the "lameness" factor of the abbreviations themselves.
  
  Consider the following abbreviations and their meanings:
  

  • CM-Cervical Mucus. Bothers the hell out of me because when I see it, I read "CUM."
  • bbs-BOOBS. Are people really that afraid of typing out two extra letters? Come on! They're boobs! Not bbs! I'm not going to put them into a gun and play cops and robbers with them!
  • pg-pregnant. Yep. Can't just say "pregnant" can we?
  • TTC-Trying to conceive. TTFN!
  • DD-Darling Daughter
  • DS-Darling son
  • DH-Darling husband

  The above three abbreviations piss me off beyond belief. Who calls every member of their family "darling" in real life? What is this, the 50s? I wouldn't refer to my husband as "darling" every time I talk about him so why would I type DH instead of "husband" or even more simply: "Mike"?

  • POAS-Pee on a stick. As long as we're sugar coating things with most of these abbreviations, isn't it nicer to just say "test"? Or "pregnancy test"?
  • BFP-Big Fat Positive. There is also Big Fat Negative. Wouldn't a + or - symbol suffice?
  • AF- Aunt Flo. I.e. your period. Do we really have to cutesy up the name of our periods? Periods are not cute! They are the violent and bloody expulsion of the interior lining of the uterus. The proper name is MENSTRUATION. Not "Aunt Flo." Jeez.
  • BD-Sex. Failing to see the connection? Oh, that's because BD stands for "baby dance." Yes. Baby dance. Uh huh, I'm dying inside too.
  • OV-Ovulation. Finally, an abbreviation that actually makes sense.

  All of these overly silly, cutesy and unnecessary abbreviations are the equivalent in my mind to those maternity tents women wore back in the 80s and early 90s. Instead of having somewhat fashionable clothing options available to them, women were forced to pick between unflattering tents often covered with fantastical and whimsical creatures: Winnie the Pooh, teddy bears, balloons, sailboats. As though they weren't merely HAVING a baby, they were BECOMING the baby. I feel the same looking at pictures of these women as I do reading an abbreviation-laden post on a pregnancy message board. Just because you are having a baby does not mean you have to start talking like one! Baby dance? I mean, come on! Stop having "baby dance" with your "darling husband" and start having some good old fashioned SEX. Don't let your brain turn into mush and start leaking out your ears just because you have a parasite living in your uterus that you are now responsible for feeding, clothing, and loving for the rest of your life.
  
  What do you think? Is it just me or are women off their rockers with all these ridiculous pregnancy abbreviations?

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