Tuesday, 23 June 2009
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Parental Prioritzing & Boundaries
HERE is the post that referenced THIS article. Following are my thoughts.
The point was made in the article that "mommy" loved her children but were not in love with them. This is a point I can definitely agree with. I love my son, but I am most certainly not in love with him. Would I be devastated if I lost him? Yes, but life would go on. Do I love my husband? Yes. Am I in love with him? Yes. Would I be devastated if I lost him? Yes, but life would go on.
To strip away all the womanly wording and get down to brass tax, we are not talking about love we are talking about priorities and boundaries.
Time changes all things and priorities are not excluded. When a child is a newborn they need more attention and care. They just got shoved out of a warm, safe bubble into a cruel alien world, can you blame them? So, at that time, priority is baby's needs. As the child grows and develops the proper programming for when to sleep, eat, etc. it will be less time intensive, leaving plenty of room for parental romance.
I am not saying that “nooky” doesn’t occur when the child is infantile but both parents recognize the needs of the child are greater than the wants they share. I’ll be throwing my bedrooms doors closed as often as possible while my husband’s home. He cooks, cleans and is a wonderful father to my son and, honestly, I find nothing more of a turn on then having a healthy and happy family.
Now we bring ourselves to boundaries. As parents we are not only rearing our children but we are modeling for them how to problem solve, keep house, make friends, be lovers and all the rest. How can we, as parents and lovers, model a lover’s relationship to our child(ren) if we pretend the child is the only one that matters?
I have no qualms with hugging and kissing my husband in front of my son. I, as his mother, have a responsibility to choose what is appropriate for his little eyes and a loving, respectful relationship falls into that category.
As my son grows older, hopefully, he will understand more about why adults need time to be adults and also that wants fall second to needs. Hopefully, he will learn to prioritize which friends need him and which friends he needs and, hopefully, he will have seen and have been taught the boundaries with which to keep oneself safe and thriving.
I love my family and because of that I do not guilt myself for showing my son the love I have for my husband that he might one day seek out in a woman. Neither do I feel shame in letting him see my husband’s love for me that he might know how a woman loved should be treated. The same will be for my daughter or any other sons.
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About the Author
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- From: Lady_Kelacy@xanga
- Name: Katherine
- About Me: I am a very proud mother of one three year old boy whose stubbornness rivals my own. Finding a school for him is difficult due to his intelligence. I love to write and read but most especially love hearing feedback on what I've written as well as giving feedback on what I've read. I'm one of those in depth analysis lovers, hehehe.
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Comments (4)
I agree.
In the first year of a baby's life, a couples' sex life dwindling down does NOT mean they are not still in a happy, loving, intimate relationship. You're right- priorities change *temporarily*, as baby becomes more independent, there is more time for sex. The amount of sex a couple has does not equate how happy they are... though it certainly doesn't hurt LOL
It's actually (to me) more fun when you have to really work for it (by work I mean getting the kids asleep and happy so you can find some alone time), you just appreciate it more when you do get it (by it, I mean sex lol).
I agree with you (and thanks for linking my initial post) but I do think it's way too easy for women to get in the habit of not being intimate with their spouse because they spend all day being affectionate with their children. I think for a healthy marriage, there needs to be a balance of loving your children and still being able to be loving to your spouse.
I think people misunderstood my initial article. Someone in the comments asked if I would leave my children in a burning building to save their father. That's not what I was saying at all - I would never let any harm come to my daughters. But it's not going to harm them to see that Mommy and Daddy put priority in having a healthy, loving marriage.
I refuse to be so focused on my children that I let my marriage suffer and that does happen, every single day. It becomes habit to not have sex or to simply fall in to bed at the end of the day and not talk to or be affectionate with your partner. I love my husband enough that I do let my children play independently so that I can have a few minutes alone so I don't feel smothered when he comes home and wants a hug. My marriage is better for it and my children are just fine.
I agree 100%. Too many women put their marriage on the back-burner when babies show up...and there it stays, on the back-burner, until they wake up one day and there is no more marriage. The priority of a mom (or a dad, for that matter) is to model for her children. How can you model for your child one of the most important relationships in life - marriage - if your focus is on the child instead of the marriage? Women who forget about, disrespect, and act hateful toward their husbands drive me nuts.
I know quite a few women myself, including family members, that have the attitude that moms you must sacrifice EVERYTHING for the sake of your kids, no matter what their age. I have had many arguments over my insane idea that the best thing for my kid is for him to see his mom balance all the roles in her life successfully. That being mom is only one part of being a woman.
Still, for some reason, I'm not comfortable with idea of having any particular thing come first- marriage or child. How about being my own center of my universe? Blasphemy. But, can't I meet my own needs by being a loving wife and loving mom at the same time?
Perhaps my discomfort comes with feeling forced to pick one thing as more important than the other? They are both important in different ways, but I want and have them both, successfully I think. So the idea of putting one over the other doesn't sit well with me.
If we were men, we probably wouldn't even be having this discussion.