I swear this is what I basically hear from my friend that we'll call "Bee". She tells me all the things that she believes her child does perfectly and calls my son "bad".
Where does she get off saying that my child is bad when she has one child, I have three, and her child is a year younger than my second one. She is starting to experience those fits that my son has been throwing for the past six months, but because it is her child throwing the fits, she's just being 2 1/2. Hello! My kid is a year older than her's and she is/has calling/called my son bad for doing the same thing.
On top of everything else, she basically criticizes the way I do things with my now 8-month-old.
I'm wrong for letting him come to bed with me and nurse, even though as soon as he is done nursing, I put him back in his crib. Her child still sleeps with her and her husband...I'm actually wondering how she got pregnant again with a child sleeping in her bed. They must have done it while their daughter was taking a nap or something.
She also makes comments about not breastfeeding her new baby after 6 months because he'll be too big. What the hell? I personally haven't noticed much of a difference since the day he was born because he's grown gradually and I've just gotten used to it gradually. I mean yes, he's picked up some new habits, like biting my nipple, well, gumming my nipple and pinching me, but he is still just 8-months-old and La Leche recommends breastfeeding for at least a year...as does WIC and my pediatrician.
Now Bee and I have been friends since high school, but I'm wondering if maybe we've grown apart or maybe she's just rude and inconsiderate and I put up with it before because I didn't have any other friends really. She gets jealous of my new friends and often times criticizes them when she's never even met them. She also criticizes my husband when she can't even tell her own husband what is bothering her.
She's pregnant and due around the same time I had my last one and is expecting me to give her all of my son's baby clothes and toys. Um, no. I want to make a quilt out of my children's baby clothes (at least the ones that I liked a lot or had special meaning). I've already told her this and told her that she can have pretty much the three months and up stuff minus a few of my favorite outfits. That may seem selfish, but I didn't expect her to give me all of her daughter's baby toys when my son came along.
We actually had an argument one time over my stroller that I let her borrow when she went to the mall. She wanted to keep it and give me her umbrella stroller. Again, um no. It is my stroller and came with my travel system. I told her no and promptly went and got it.
It is getting to the point when I see her name pop up on my caller id, I ignore it and tell her later that I was too busy to answer the phone. I'm not sure how much more of her toxic friendship I can take.
Is it wrong to not be friends with someone anymore after 10 years? I know you outgrow your childhood friends, but what about someone who was there for you when you needed her most, but has suddenly turned into a competitive critic? I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions?
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Comments (21)
That bitch is crazy.
You don't need that shit. I'm more of a confrontational type so I would tell her to back off.
But yeah you should definitely work her out of your life. She IS toxic.
I think it's completely okay to grow apart even if it's been a long friendship. I have a friend who've i've been friends with for 6 years, and we're starting to grow apart now, and it's just what happens sometimes when things in life change, because we also change as adults. I think it's ok, just go with what feels right. Maybe you two spend too much time together or talking, and cutting that down would be ok, if you don't feel like you need ot end the friendship all together.... Good luck
Um. She probably thinks she's better than you. Sometimes people who act like that (always being competitive) think they're better or are trying to make themselves seem better. Or in this case, she thinks her child is better than yours (and anyone elses).
But then again, she many not realize she's doing it. Tell her about it.
Honestly... from experience.. a person who knows "everything" is just not going to change.. maybe 1 out of 100... MAYBE!!!... My daughter who is 19 months old... has just entered the "NO!" stage... and thinks she can have everything in the store... Im a young mom.. only 21, 22 in july.. and I am also 8 months prego with our 2nd child... I hate going into wal-mart by myself, or before Amber has had her nap.. because all these women (Sometimes men, though way fewer men)... like to come up to me and comment on my bad parenting skills... I have finally gotten to the point where I ask them if they have children of their own? and when they say no, but I have neices and nephews... to which my favorite (although rather immature response is) Oh that makes you such the perfect parent... and I laugh in their face and walk away... I had an amazing experience where my husband and I where sitting inside the walmart mcdonalds and We had filled Ambers sippy cup with the same sweat tea we were drinking.. and trying to teach her that she was a big girl who had her own cup... and she didn't need mommie and daddies cup to sip out of... Amber threw her sippie cup down on the ground and said no... and (Dumb me didn't move my cup far enough out of her reach) grabbed mine and tossed it down as well.. to which I said no mam! that is not very lady like... and she just started screaming... (Yes the harsh piercing screech that can be heard throughout the entire supercenter!) and I tried talking to her calmly, explaining that what she did was wrong... and di the im going to count to 3 and if you can not act like the little lady you are, mommie is going to take you to the bathroom and pow you.. and we will go home... and you will not be allowed to play with any of your toys, you will sit in time out talk... (yes i spank my child after numerouse warnings)... Well she slapped me in the face and said NO MOMMIE NO!!!... (Yes i wanted to cry)... Well all these shoppers where looking at me... and honestly Ambers hardly ever THAT bad... I felt kind of like a bad parent.. like I was doing something wrong... Well this elderly lady.. (when i say elderly.. I mean like she was great-great- grandma, admited to it)... said please excuse me I just want to try something... and I watched in intrest as she looked at amber and asked why such a pretty princess would make such a fuss over a spilt drink.. Amber just stared in amazment at her... quit as can be.. and I started crying... softly.. like OMG!!!.. this sweet woman has just come to my rescue... and she didn't critize me, or tell me what I was doing wrong.. she just did the same thing I did... and the woman apologized said she didn't mean to intrude... I just looked horrified and she felt like she was looking at her own daughter when her daughter had her first child... She baught amber a sunday (with my permission)... and kissed her forehead... and apologized again for helping... and I said no please don't... that was the nicest thing someone has done ot me in public... I didn't get the feeling she was intruding in any way... (I think I went off on a tangent im sorry)
But those people (when ambers throwing a small tantrum)... that have to have a say in how I raise my child... I know it hurts hearing it from a stranger.. But hearing it from someone whom you have been friends with for years... with less experience.. and that rude about it.. no im sorry... I'd have a few words to say... and im not sure that the friend would even speak to me after I had my say to her... Your not wrong... I would jus try to find a more mature way to handle it than I did... or do... or would... Maybe you do need to have a sit down talk with her.. and explain that the stroller incadent was rude... and so fourth.. and see how she handles that.. maybe thats all she needs is to be explained how you feel about things... From then you can decide if they can be fixed or not...
You should always benefit from friendship, not suffer.
I think there are plenty of moms like that right here on momaroo. They love to tell us that we are wrong if we use a stroller instead of a sling, a bottle instead of the breast, an imagination instead of a belt, etc. It is tempting to argue but I am too busy with my kids to be bothered.
When I encounter friends, families, and strangers who think they know how to raise my child better than I do...I tell them when they have custody of him, they can raise him how they please but until then...they need to worry about their own kids. If they can't respect me then I can't be bothered to deal with them.
Friends shouldn't be the ones making you crazy - they should be your escape when the kids make you crazy! Try talking to her, and if nothing changes, cut her out. It's not worth it.
@ImUrKarma@xanga - That's a really great story! So sweet of her to help you out.
@whitetrashpoet@xanga - Thanks.. I felt like I went off to much on a tangent...
"she got pregnant again with a child sleeping in her bed"...well, ya know, she's so much better than you, she doesn't need to move around on the bed. (SARCASM)
Thanks for all the help. I appreciate it. I just really don't know what to do. I think I'm going to end up working her out of my life.
P.S. Whoever proofread my post, you were incorrect in changing the part where I put "she and her husband". You don't say, "her and her husband". The correct way to say something like that is "she and whoever". Sorry, I'm a grammar freak and that bothered me.
@LilMama1204@xanga - LOL at the correction. I won't tell you what happened when they misread a word in one of my post and changed the title to something that; for me; was offensive. Okay, maybe I will. I used the words "medically challenged" when speaking of my daughter. The title went something like "Life with my mentally challenged child". I was not happy, but they did change it.
Now, onto the subject at hand. I had a friend from childhood. We had been the closest of friends since the age of ten. As I got older I began to realize that she always had something negative to say. It took me twenty years to realize that she was a toxic person and removing her from my life was the best thing I could do for myself. If she brings you nothing but negative feelings it is most likely time to move on. Life is too short not to put ourselves around positive people.
I've recently let contact drop with a friend of greater than 10 years. She really wasn't that bad, but it was enough that I started to dread the little bit of contact we still had (like @gwacemom -said; '...she always had something negative to say.'), so...oops. That email just isn't being replied to; I know she won't go through the effort to call and she lives out of state so, there won't be any visits. It's hard, but sometimes it has to be done.
Talk to her about it. Flat out tell her all the offensive and hurtful things she is doing and why those things are making her very hard to deal with right now. Use concrete examples and "I feel" language without saying things like 'I feel like YOU are..." (because that will just put her on the defense). A good formula to use when confronting someone in a caring manner is this: "When you_____ I feel_____because_______.Please_______." Example: "Bee, when you criticize me for the way I run my family, I feel hurt and sad because I always try to do what is very best for my children. Please try to be more supportive of my practices; I am not going to change them and when I am criticized about them the only effect is that I am hurt and resentful towards you." Tell her that if she continues to be rude and know-it-all-ish toward you that you really don't want to spend any more time with her. And if she doesn't shape up, end the friendship. Sounds like you're grasping at straws with this friendship anyway.
There are toxic friends throughout life. There is always going to be that one friend that wants to criticize your relationship, your parenting, your house, how you train your dogs, what type of car you drive, where you buy your furniture, what wedding dress you got, and how all of the above compares to their own. It sounds like your friend never grew out of her high school phase, and you may just not have noticed it earlier on because you were both in that phase (as everyone is in, some for longer than others, some forever!). You've grown up, and she hasn't. If you value your friendship with her outside of this criticism, I would try talking to her. If you've already done that or your friendship has become a burden on you, just politely tell her the truth. You have a family to deal with, you don't need added stress from someone that's supposed to help you in life.
@ImUrKarma@xanga - You did, but it was still a great story :) Congrats on your pregnancy as well.
i have friend that used to be a best friend that is exactly like that. we grew apart rather quickly, and i'm not sure why, but i do know that she is someone i can't stand to be around now.
why do parents get like this??? It annoys me so much.
not a good friend, period. Â i've slowly, if not outrightly, shied away from "friends" like that, bc there's no room in our busy mothering lives to deal with that kind of stress. Â yes, friends can grow apart indefinitely. Â in the long run, these "friends" can be brought back when they learn to be more considerate and tactful and realize the friendship that did exist was worth keeping and working out. Â
@ImUrKarma@xanga - that is a sweet story. i don't have any kids but it made me smile.
Your friend may be feeling insecure. She may actually feel like your a better mom/person/friend than she is so she criticizes you to make herself feel better. NOT a good excuse, obviously, but just some insight. I'm not a very confrontational person but I think the best thing to do would be to sit down with her and discuss the things she's done that have hurt you. Maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it. But it just may come down to finding new friends......
It's absolutely okay to end any relationship with anyone, if you're no longer happy with it. It's your life, right? Besides, no one should have to deal with toxicity, especially when you have kids, because frustration is very palpable. You could accidentally take it out on your kids, and you don't want that.
I'd say ditch her for sure.
 I ditched my abusive, toxic friend about 3 years ago and this is the toughest but best decision I've made in my life (It was a very tough decision because I have known her for more than 15 years and she does have some good qualities that I appreciate).
But the fact remains that I was her victim - she used to take subtle
digs and jabs at me all the time, hurt me with her sly remarks
constantly (I put up with her BS for more than 15 years)! I made a terrible mistake of putting up with her
emotional crap (I know she had been abused by her father as a child and
I felt very sorry for her ). Every time I spoke to her, I would hear nothing but back-handed compliments. She never ever made the effort even once to wish me on my birthday, although I never failed to wish her on her birthday. About 3 years ago, I decided to call it quits. I stopped calling her on her birthday. She seemed upset about it as though I had committed a huge crime! The last straw came when she compared me to her abusive dad! Go figure! I threw her out of my life that very instant. She has tried to contact me several times in order to lure me back into her life (she is looking for a punching bag, not a friend! (the last message I got from her was about 3 weeks ago! (May 2009)) ). I am in no mood to be her punching bag any longer. I have not returned any of her phone calls or e-mail. I am tired of her and want her out of my life and my inner space. I do wish her well and hope that she changes for the better - but one thing is for sure - she will never be part of my life ever again.  Â