Read
THIS before you read what I'm going to say. Don't worry, I'll wait.
This woman was criticised for what she said but honestly, I found myself completely agreeing with what she said.
Look, I love my kids. I love them so much that I can't even begin to list the things we've happily given up to be able to afford lawyers bill. I love them so much that I have given up basically every bit of an independent life so I can be home with them because otherwise I miss them. I love them so much it literally makes me sick to think of being without them. I love them so much that it takes my breath away when I think about it. But no matter how much I love my daughters, I will always love David more.
Our relationship came first and will always come first. Of course there are always exceptions, there are always deal breakers, but short of him willfully harming our children, me or any other innocent vitcims, I will always prioritize our relationship.
At the end of the day, this is what it comes down to for me - if I do my job right, someday my daughters will leave my house. They will grow up, create their own lives and I will exist on the edges of that new life. This is how it's supposed to be. But David and I will be together forever. If I neglect my relationship with him to focus completely on the girls, what is going to happen to me, nevermind my marriage, when my daughters do grow up and move on?
I'm not saying I don't love my daughters. In fact, I believe you could argue that I love them so much that I want them to see a healthy marriage modeled and part of that is putting my relationship with their father far ahead of anything else.
I love my daughters but frankly, I am in love with their father. And that's the way it should be.
True
Comments (90)
Beautiful. I don't have kids but that's how I want it to be.
In my opinion, both from your blog and the one you referenced - you have an extremely healthy, RARE view. In fact, I think *because* it's rare, you feel like you "should" feel "bad." But don't... because from what these blogs sound like, y'all have found the ideal. Hang onto it... I think you have the right perspective!
I completely agree. I am the exact same way with my husband. You said it perfectly.Â
I agree 100%. I also believe that kids whose parents do not make their relationship a priority suffer greatly. A kid is not going to feel any happier if mommy and daddy get a divorce because mommy and daddy never worked at their marriage after their kids came along.
Nothing is wrong with that. I think that your healthy reltionship will encourage your daughters to do the same because they see the way love is supposed to be. Kudos to you for being a great mom.
Well, then I'm a bad mom too. Don't feel alone. My husband is my world. I love my kids so much, but they will grow and leave and if they are really lucky, find someone that they love as much as their dad and I love each other. I hope we have done a good job of modeling that relationship for them so they know what to look for and can be as happy as we are. I love them, but there Daddy is my favorite.
I read a few lines of this to mu husband to get his reaction. He looked at me with a shocked look on his face. Then I told him that I agree with this completely. I am also in love with my husband and in all honesty, if I weren't for him, the kids wouldn't even be here! Sign me up for the 'Bad Mommy Club' because I agree with you 110%
I agree with the above comments. I have two children whom I would kill for if someone were ever to hurt them. I would be destroyed if I were to ever lose one of them. But I love their father, my husband, more than I do my children. (Maybe it's better said that it's a different kind of love.) Everything that woman said in her article, I completely agree with; I can't believe she was criticized! This view makes complete sense, it shouldn't be rare at all. Our children eventually leave us to move on with their own lives. Parents are still a part of their lives (hopefully) but we're not as important as we once were to our children. Our spouse is with us forever - we shouldn't neglect that relationship at all just because we have children.
Wow I am SO impressed that there are so many women out there that feel this way! RIGHT ON, all of you!
That's the way it should be and I'm happy to be one of "those" moms too! 
I couldn't agree with the both of you more. While reading her "story" I finally felt like I wasn't the only one. Now reading yours, I know there has to be a ton more like me. Thank you so much for this post, I feel a little less horrible, haha.
I agree with you totally. You married your husband and promised to love and cherish him above all. This does not make you a bad mom, on the contrary, you loving their father and keeping that relationship right is the best thing you could ever do for your kids!
In my last marriage I remember having a discussion with my husband about our priorities, and he said "Well you are my first priority, as I should be your first priority." And I responded "No way! I would choose Lily over you any day." lol at the time I saw that I was being a good Mom, and neglected to face that I wasn't happy in my marriage.. years later and with more kids I loved more than my husband, we divorced.
I am newly married, and I LOVE this man SO much! I am SO deeply in love. We recently had a baby 6 months ago, and we have 4 more kids from my last marriage- with 5 kids in the house and one of them being 6 months old, I think we still have a very healthy active sex life! We do prioritize our relationship... we don't neglect the kids. We do MANY family activities together, and even take turns taking one of the kids out for "one on one" time. But we also have no problem putting the 6 month old in the room next to us to play with his sisters while we have our fun LOL
Good post!
I don't know if that would be my view (if I ever had kids) but I don't disagree with it one bit. If you decide to prioritize your relationship with your husband thats all up to you. There's nothing wrong with it.
Your kids will grow up and become adults and go on to have their own families, spouses, lives...your husband is your lifelong partner. I love my daughter so much, but I love my husband more than anything.
I agree completely. My son is one week old today and I've been feeling guilty because I can't focus on my husband as much right now. Hormones are running rampant and I was crying about it but he just hugged me and told me he loved me and knew he was my priority just that right now I have a newborn to care for. It's refreshing to hear so many mom's think the same way!!!
I always knew my mother loved my father more than my brother and me. I always knew that he came first in EVERYTHING. Probably because she told me this many times. I know there are other factors involved in my messed up relationship with mother, but knowing this always hurt. And even at 40 it still hurts.
That said, I'm jealous of all of you that you feel this way with your own husbands. I LOVE my husband, adore him, can't imagine life without him. But in all honesty (which is why I'm staying anonymous on this comment) I'd chose my baby over him if it came down to it.
I think ideally you should be in love with your husband like that, just don't hold it over your kids heads like my mother did.
Maybe I'm just a "bad wife?"
I love that article (I read it years ago). It's so refreshing to hear that side of the story... the side nobody really wants to talk about, but that's probably more common than most people think.
I think its natural and that it won't affect your daughters since he is their father. I think it can be more of an issue when parents divorce and remarry and then love the new spouse more than their children. So many of my friends have had this happen to them, and their parents choosing their new spouse over their kids cost their kids so much. Three of them ended up being kicked out of their homes by the step parent. These kids didn't do drugs nor were they violent, they just wanted their parents to love them. Now they don't know how to be good parents themselves.
The difference there is your husband and you both love your children equally so their isn't a struggle for affection. In a divorce there is only one parent left and the child will certainly feel betrayed if that parent doesn't put the kids first.
I am personally not sure who I love more, but I would choose my child instinctively in a hypothetical life/death situation.
me too. :)
I could have written every word of this article. Our marriage, our intimacy, our LIFE is better now than ever, three years into marriage with an 18 month old son. The only reason for that is because we make time for ourselves, and our relationship is the core of our family life. Our son is the beautiful result of our love, but he is not the origin, therefore, he doesn't get to rob our relationship. There's always room for more love, and that means you don't have to crowd your husband out to make room for the kids.
@Kristine - I think it's horrible that your mother did that to you! We don't hang it over their heads or even announce it so much as we just live it out, every day. When my husband comes in the door at the end of the day, I get the first kiss and hug. When we serve dinner, my husband gets served, then I do, then the children, even though we don't eat until everyone is served.
In response to everyone who agreed - what surprised me was that I completely agreed with the writer when she said that if, God forbid, something happened to her children she could move forward because she would have her husband. But if, God forbid, something happened to her husband she wasn't sure how she would go on with her life. I would probably fall to pieces if something happened to my child but if something happened to my husband, I don't know that I would ever recover.
Very nice. I always hope that my parents were like that. But Yes, I think in some cases putting your hubby in front of your daughters is the best thing to do. Without him, there would be no daughters :P
@Rain_of_Mystic_Sorrow@xanga - I am a divorced/remarried mom. I have been so lucky that my current husband loves my oldest daughter just like his own. (we do have a daughter together) He has taken on every responsability of Father to her. It was her that asked me if she can call him Daddy. I do put my husband first but my children get attention too. I have read a quote that skicks with me... The best thing a Daddy can do for his children is love their Mommy. It is so true. They need to know that Mommy and Daddy love each other and they need to SEE it in life. My children see us kiss and hug, cuddle on the couch, and hold hands in the car. My oldest knows that my husband is not her bio dad (she does she her bio dad) but she knows that he does all he can for her just like with her sister. I am blessed to have him!
Your husband should be first. If the kids are your whole life, and all that's keeping you together, what will you do when the kids leave home?
I intend to keep my relationship with my husband strong after we have kids. I don't want our marriage to fall apart when the kids go off on their own ways.
i COMPLETELY agree and feel the same way about my husband and kids :)