Wednesday, 10 June 2009
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I Got Our Bed Back
by Mama Elephant
It is said that once you let your baby in your bed, you can never get him out of it. My own sister (11 years my junior) was an excellent example of that old adage. She shared a bed with my mom until she moved out. Seriously. She was in college, pregnant, and married (waiting for her military husband to get their new house ready for occupation) and sleeping in a bed with my mom.This thought haunted me throughout my son's infancy and early childhood. My fear of SIDS kept Alex in our room for most of his first year of life, but never in our bed. I wouldn't even let him in our bed while he was sick with the chicken pox. Instead, I made a little space in his nursery and slept in there...but only after he went to sleep himself.
Like so many other parents of newborns, I find myself utterly exhausted and it has put me in the worst mood come 10pm. I already wrote about my 2am crying spells...lately, they have been coming earlier. In addition to the normal exhaustion that comes with having a baby, there are a number of other stressors right now that have me on the edge of sanity. In a moment of pure desperation and inability to keep my eyes open, Leyla fell asleep in our bed one night. She slept well but not as well as some attachment parenting/co-sleeping advocates swear. The following night, she refused her bassinet. We rushed to finish the nursery so we could try the crib...no joy. We can't let her cry herself to sleep because she wakes Alex and then I would have a screaming newborn and 14 year old on my hands and I think the cops might get called over the wreck that would take place. So, it was back to Mom and Dad's bed.
It didn't take long for me to miss snuggling up against my husband. I could probably handle the lack of late night snuggles if we were like "normal" parents and did things without our children but we aren't "normal". We have no family in the area to babysit and we don't have the sort of friends that are comfortable with trying to meet Alex's needs. It can take years for friendships such as those to develop. Thus, our bedtime is our time to be with each other without the kids. It had only been a week but we wanted our bed back!
I think this is where the benefits of having a child with special needs come in. My problem solving skills and motivation are greatly improved by spending the last 12 years of trying to figure out what my son needs and how to get it for him. What made Leyla suddenly hate her bed? I examined the bed and I came back to my initial concerns about the bassinet. The mattress was awfully thin. Could she be uncomfortable in her own bed? While we don't have a "soft" mattress, it is significantly softer than her bassinet.
All it took was a more comfortable mattress to get her back into her own bed. She didn't need to feel my heartbeat or my breath on her. She didn't need constant skin to skin contact to feel secure enough to sleep. It wasn't too cold or too hot. She just needed a higher quality mattress. Perhaps she is our own little princess from The Princess and the Pea. Perhaps we should think of investing in a high quality crib mattress BEFORE she outgrows her bassinet to ease the transition. I got Leyla out of our bed once but I don't care to tempt fate again.
Do you allow your children to sleep in your bed?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaelephant
- Name: mamaelephant
- About Me: Hi! I am Mama Elephant and I am both a college student and SAHM to a mischievous teenage son, who happens to have Autism, and an infant daughter. It is a practice in time management. Raising a child with special needs presents challenges disguised as impossibilities as well as rewards beyond the imagination and I write about both.
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Comments (12)
I coslept with my youngest until he was 17 months. He now sleeps in his own bed but he usually comes wandering in about 6am and he'll sleep for an extra hour or so with me.
Our older boys have never asked to sleep with us for any reason but we're not really opposed to it.
I let my oldest more out of necessity than anything sleep in my bed until he was about 2. It was not every night but if he was cranky and I needed sleep then I would let him. My newest child slept in my bed in a special bed sleeper until he was about 9 weeks old. He just wasn't getting good sleep and neither were my husband and I so I moved him to his room in his crib. He has done well and seems happier there. He has been sleeping through the night and has no problems going to bed since then.
Only if we are in a hotel room and have no other choice! If they were sick I had them on the sofa with me on the floor. I am a very light sleeper and with kids in the bed I never get to sleep, on top of that I like to have time with my husband to myself. I think that is very important to a marriage and a very important example for children when parents put their marriage as a priority.
This is really true. I'm 19 now, but I slept in my parents' bed until I was 9.
I have co-slept with all 5 of my kids... I just see it as a special time.. that doesn't mean I don't look forward to when they get their own bed! Of course I love snuggle time with the man, but we know it's only temporary... by age 2 my kids are in their own bed. Right now our 6 month old is sleeping with us- so in another 18 months or so we'll have our bed to ourselves again.. we really don't mind.. we still find time to cuddle and be intimate at other times lol.
We also don't get out on dates- we don't have family nearby and not many people want to watch 5 kids LOL
I understand parents who want their bed to themselves- hopefully those parents can understand why some parents enjoy co-sleeping :)
Hardly ever; only on rare occasions of sickness... My husband and I are occupied most of our waking moments with work and childcare, so when it's time for bed, baby has his own room, his own bed. Our son is 18 months old now; he spent the first 3-4 months in a bassinet in our room, then after that we moved him to another room. He took to the crib effortlessly, and it is now his favorite place to be when he gets grumpy and tired. A monitor lets us hear him when he cries.
My husband and I would do that all over again; we need our time together free of baby. However, when my husband leaves for work early in the morning, our son often wakes up, and when tucked into bed with me, will sleep another hour or so. I love those times, too!
My little sister was really sick as a baby so my parents let her sleep with them. She slept in their bed until they refused to allow her any longer and then she made a pallet on the floor by their bed. Until she was like 12. Geez.
My kids do NOT sleep with me. Not that I care if other people co-sleep but I am a really really light sleeper. I couldn't even sleep with them in my room when they were infants - I definitely can't sleep with them in my bed. They have been in their own rooms from the beginning.
Good job figuring it out momma! I never really understood co-sleeping. I am sorry, but I want my bed to me and my hubby!! So, when my dd was too big for her bassinet (next to my bed), she went into her crib and did fine. Now that I am done breastfeedling (still kinda sad about that) she sleeps for about 10 hours and we are both very happy. No kicking me in the back, no worrying about rolling over on her, no wondering how hubby and I are going to have "alone time". It's wonderful.
I let my son who is four months old sleep with us a few times. But I did not want to make a habit of it. Sometimes when we are taking naps I allow it but the last thing I want is for him to get used to it. My three year old step daughter did for a while but I quickly put and end to that expecially when I got pregnant. Its not that I minded having her in bed with us but my fiance is already a bed hog and she made it worse. Being pregnant already made me feel uncomfortable when I tried to sleep, especially when he started kicking. Having a fourth of the bed didn't make it much easier.
we tried the crib with our oldest, and i was a nervous wreck (i have a friend who lost their son to SIDS) listening to the monitor to hear him breathing. finally, i brought him into our bed. being a nursing mom, this was the perfect solution to both his and my sleep needs. He was happy, and slept well, I was happier and slept MUCH better. And when he needed to nurse, I could just whip out the boob and we'd both doze off again. We upgraded to a king-size bed eventually so that there was enough room for baby to fall asleep on one side, and me to cuddle next to hubby on the other side without disturbing him. :)
we kept this up with all three boys, co-sleeping until they weaned at about 2 1/2 years old. at which point, we moved them into their own bed with much ceremony... people who say a kid won't ever leave your bed are generalizing about the extreme cases, not the norm. at that age, they can at least understand what is happening, unlike when they are babies... and we'd let them pick out bedding (Diego, Cat in the Hat, etc) and make a big deal of it, and the transitions were fairly good with a couple of "scared" nights during a storm here and there...
i loved the co-sleeping, and now that we have our xtra big king-sized bed all to ourselves, we enjoy it, but every now and then on a sunday afternoon, the whole fam reads a couple picture books all piled in the "big bed". :)
We have been co-sleeping and are now transitioning our 7 month old son into his crib and he's doing fine. He only wakes up about once or twice in the night, and doesn't stay up long (like a minute or two). We didn't intentionally decide to co-sleep but it made him sleep better. And if he slept better, we all slept better. My husband and I wanted our alone time but we had other ways to do it. We made time for each other - BUT I have a lot of family around to help out. I think co-sleeping is fine; my husband sort of misses our baby in the bed. But I also think not co-sleeping is fine too. Do what works for you!
My brother is almost 7, and he still sleeps in my dad and step-mom's bed. In his life he has probably only slept in his own bed maybe..10 times.
Occasionally I will let him have a little sleepover in my bed to let my dad and stepmom have one night away from him.
They dont really seem to mind, which kinda bothers me a little. I wouldnt be surprised if he is in their bed until he hits puberty, which then he will hopefully want his own room.
But that has taught me that when I have kids, they will not be in my bed. If they want a night with mommy and daddy, they can have their little sleeping bag on the floor next to our bed, just like my parents did with me.
Not to offend anyone who does sleep with their children, as I do know it is a very precious thing.