Friday, 29 May 2009

• Finding Me, Forgetting Me - Learning to BE

   by Mama Seahorse

  

  Beginning at LTF was a challenge for me in many ways. First, I had to stand on my own two feet again and be my own advocate. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d had to do that for myself. Eight years of being home with kids can cause you to stand aside so your children can shine brightly. Having kids (especially cute ones) and having to tote them around everywhere with me, I hadn’t noticed that I had learned to fade into the background and be the dutiful mom in every situation. I was actually reverting back to my childhood days and feelings of being so very small in a world that I was ill-equipped to handle. Who was that little girl, that teenager who thought so little of herself and wished she could slip away into the cracks of the wall so that nobody would notice her? Who was that girl who would cringe when someone would say hi because it meant she’d have to respond and actually engage in conversation with someone else? Who was that person who desperately dreamed fantastical dreams but never ever believed they might happen to her?
  
  Being in the small city I call Lifetime, I had to learn to walk with my head high, with purpose and direction, and to speak as though I knew my words had value. I would not shrink into the background here. I would stand out. But I had to do it on my own – without smiling and accepting compliments toward my beautiful children. I was just… me. And though it was scary at first, I quickly reveled in it, enjoying the chances to be my own person again, and to rediscover my worth.
  
  I picked up A New Earth to browse through it again because I did not want this newfound freedom and discovery of self to become my Ego. And it so easily could. Because here, in this safe city of Lifetime Fitness, everyone is family, everyone is friend, there are smiles and hugs and always enough towels and food to go around. I belong here. I felt myself identifying. Hard.
  
  Now that the newness has worn off a touch and I have found a fairly good rhythm there, I am seeking out ways to equalize and balance my experiences there. I am still like a wide-eyed newborn, in disbelief that I actually get to call this place “work”. The lights, the smells, the sweat… it all dazzles me still. The energy of so many souls in one place working towards similar goals is intoxicating, and even more so for someone like me who could be sustained simply on the high of other people’s energy. As usual for me, there are only three people I actually look forward to seeing when I go. I tend to speak to everyone, connect with very few. Those three people are the ones I am able to be the most real with. Those three are the ones I knew my first week I would be friends with.
  
  But learning to be still – that is my challenge. When there are quiet moments, to learn to be still with myself. But I find that it isn’t as much of a challenge as it used to be. I am learning to like what I see behind the eyes that look at me through the mirror. Wow, I think incredulously, I might actually be pretty. Wow, I might actually be talented. And smart too. I might actually be… But the truth is, I have gained enough years to realize that even if I can ascribe all those things to myself, none of it matters. When I am still, and there are no compliments for me to throw my own way, no conversations in my head about liking myself, what is left? I am. Comfortable. Content. At peace. And that is what matters. Can I absorb the simple beauty that is in the scent of the lilacs that bloom along the sidewalk? Can I breathe it in and allow it to fill me and roll around in my senses until it overwhelms them? Can I allow the breeze through the window to caress my face with a gentle wildness? Can I take in a breath and be thankful for it? Can I open my eyes and allow life to sparkle through them? Can I be thankful…
  
  Yes. I am.
  
  And there is the trick, because finding me means letting go of me. Finding me isn’t about labeling the pleasure of a flower’s scent or the touch of a breeze on my skin or a conversation with a friend. Finding me is about being okay with NOT having to label any of that, just to enjoy it with pure and unclouded being. Ultimately, “trying to be me” isn’t being me at all. The most operable word: BEING. Being requires nothing. Be. This is it. It is a thought that shouldn’t be profound, and yet, it feels tingly, like maybe it is. Maybe it’s right on the edge of something so profound it’s downright astronomical. But the beauty of learning to BE is that you don’t spend too much time thinking about how deep something could possibly get. You just are. Without labels and restrictions and boxes and statements.
  
  I am.
  
  Have you found yourself? Did you find it easy to lose yourself while being a mother?

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