Tuesday, 26 May 2009

• Fathers Love Their Children Too

  
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  I was first married at a very young age. The woman I had been dating became pregnant not long into our relationship. Because I was so young I believed marrying her was the “right” thing to do. I didn’t marry because I was in love or because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I did it because I didn’t know any better. It’s something I’ve had to live with for many years now.
  

  The pregnancy appeared normal. The delivery itself was flawless. I became the proud papa of a baby girl! As my daughter was taken to be cleaned off though, the nurses discovered she was having extreme difficulty breathing. Within half an hour, she was rushed to a nearby children’s hospital for additional testing and care.
  

  My poor baby had a diaphragmatic hernia. Her diaphragm hadn’t formed on her right side, and therefore her liver and such had grown where her lung should be. Somehow, something which should have been caught during her checkups was missed. With a 10% chance to live through the night I was beside myself. Here was my little girl suffering from something I could do nothing to help with. Her fate rested in the hands of the doctors, as well as in God’s hands. When being asked what we wanted to do, I remember telling the doctors simply, “Please save my daughter.”
  

  After surgery, for many months she resided in an NICU unit, with visits being restricted to sitting by her crib, holding her bitty hand, or kissing her tiny head. It had been shaved as they eventually ran out of places to insert an IV, and had to use her poor head instead. The whole time all I wanted to do was hold my precious daughter in my empty arms.
  

  The day arrived that she was well enough to come home, and it was a joyous one! She was required to have a feeding tube for roughly a year. Imagine having to insert a tube through your child’s nose once every few days, if not once a day depending on the circumstances, and seeing the discomfort on her tiny face as she was forced to endure it. Even knowing that she had to receive the nutrients her body so desperately needed didn’t make it any easier on a very young father. Those were difficult, heartbreaking days.
  

  A second surgery was needed when her repaired diaphragm tore and more days of fear ensued. Despite the success of each surgery, the marriage was doomed to fail. After 5 years it finally ended. For a few months afterwards I was able to see my daughter on a regular basis. Being yet young and a little naive, I allowed my ex to call all the shots. It was a mistake, and one I have lived with for 9 years.
  

  Even though I saw my precious girl many times after this, the last great memory I possess is of showing up unannounced at her school one day and standing outside the door watching her interact with the teacher and her fellow students. As I stood there beaming with pride, she glanced over and noticed me for the first time. With a bright smile on her face she jumped up and ran over to me, throwing a huge hug around me and crying from sheer joy, much to the surprise of her teacher. I spent the next hour conversing with her teacher, playing with her, and loving my baby girl.
  

  No long after, her mother ceased all contact with me, moved in with the man she had been seeing for God only knows how long during our marriage, and eventually married him. A move across country followed. It has been 9 years since I last held my baby girl in my arms. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of her, miss her, or regret not fighting hard enough to keep my parental rights. I was young, foolish, and had no idea how to fight back at the time. The mistake was mine, and I fully accept responsibility. No amount of child support, no amount of pleading with the agencies, no amount of lawyers, care about what my little girl means to me. While I surely made my mistakes, the system failed me as well.

  So, 9 years later I have only my memories of those years, with the last memory being most prominent. Her smile, her tears, and her joy at seeing her daddy…that will remain with me for all time. My arms still ache to hold her once again. May God allow us to meet again one day. Until then…

  I love you baby girl.   *blows kiss*

  Do you know any fathers who are going through the same situation?
  

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