Monday, 25 May 2009
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Fairness For Fathers... Does Such a Thing Exist?
Today I read what one of my online friends has to deal with . He married young, had a daughter, got divorced and lost all rights to his daughter. The ex wife, the child's mother got full custody and the right to go, and do, whatever she wants.
He has a penis, he is scum. Just as I am, or any father, in the eyes of the courts.
When Sea Hag left me I asked around for the the name of a good divorce attorney. I had a woman recommended to me "she's like a tiger defending her cubs" I was told. Good.
I had done nothing wrong except work my butt off so Sea Hag could stay home with our girls, which is what she wanted to do, and which we both agreed was the best course of action. I was self employed and worked hard, I admit I wasn't around as much as I should have been, but I did my best, I did what I thought was right.
I never cheated on my wife, I was in love with her and she was a babe! I could have cheated on her many times, but I never did. I never hit her or my girls, nor was I verbally abusive. I just loved them, and my life. They were my life. My daughters were aged 2 and 4 at the time.
So I meet with this "tiger like" divorce lawyer and I tell her my side of the story. She listens carefully. I'm paying her $300 an hour, so she should listen carefully and she does. After I finish she says to me..."did you ever give your daughters a bath?" "Sure" I replied "All the time, then I would "style their hair" it was great fun, they loved it, I loved it, then a story and bedtime." It also gave my wife a break, she was a great Mum when they were little and she deserved a break.
The Tiger looked me in the eye and said "All your wife has to do, is say you were EAGER to give them a bath, and you won't even get visitation, let alone custody. My advice is to give her whatever she wants if you want to see your kids."
So me trying to be a thoughtful husband, and a good father actually was going to work against me. Just because I have a penis.
"You're fired " I said.
I contacted a group called "Fairness For Fathers" and got an attorney through them. This guy cost $175 an hour.I told him my side of the story. He listened carefully and then he said...."You ever give your girls a bath?" I couldn't believe my ears. "Don't you fucking say it..." I said
"Look man, " he said, "Forget the name of this organization, the fact is there is no fairness for fathers, if you have a penis and you have female children, you're at your wife's mercy, all she has to do is say you were EAGER to give them a bath...and you won't even get SUPERVISED visitation. My advice is to give her whatever she wants if you want to see your kids."
"Thanks" I said "You're fired."
I called Sea Hag and we had a meeting. I said we can fight over this, which will only hurt our girls, or we can reach an agreement and not make the lawyers rich. I may have been a lousy husband, but Sea Hag knew I was as good a dad as I could be. To her credit she didn't try to keep me away from my girls, she knew how deep my love for them was/is, and she knew how deep their love for me was/is.
I gave her everything she wanted, I disputed nothing. I knew from the advice of two lawyers that because I had a penis and my offspring didn't, that I could lose them.Even though I had done nothing wrong.
I COULD LOSE THEM.
The only thing I demanded was that she live within thirty miles of me.I would not be more than 30 minutes away from my girls, it was non negotiable.Sea Hag agreed. I had learned from a good friend of mine what can happen.His ex wife agreed to his"as long as you live in Ontario" request. Ontario is a huge province, she moved herself and the kids 9 hours away, the bitch.
That wasn't going to happen to me.
Sea Hag and I get along pretty well these days.She and the girls live 2 blocks from me.I see, or talk to my girls every day, or close to it. Sea Hag was a huge help to me when I got hurt, I give her full marks for that. We don't always agree on parenting, we sometimes fight.But we both know the other loves our girls , and that is what matters. I'm lucky that way, lucky that she also realized that they had to come first. It was our relationship as husband and wife that fell apart, not the parent/child relationship.
Just where does it say the female is automatically the better parent? Where does it say that having a penis means you can't love your daughters the same way a mother does?
But that is the perception, and that is the way it is seen in the courts.
It is unfair, it is unjust, and it is untrue.
What do you think of a father's parental rights?
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About the Author
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- From: Bricker59@xanga
- Name: Brick
- About Me: I'm a single (thank God!) Dad of two great girls. I walk with a cane following a bad car accident that wasn't my fault. I love women and I love beer. Still not quite sure which I love more.I'll get back to you on that.
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Comments (134)
Well, it's always that way in courts. For some reason there is a lot more sympathy for the woman. It's a sad fact. What's even sadder is the fact that many women take advantage of that.
I think that a father shouldn't be done that way, period. If he's just some jerk who can't be called a father, who doesn't take care of the kids and/or is abusive, then he deserves it. But if the guy is dedicated to his children and his home? No, that's crap.
Three cheers for gender equality? Ugh.
You know I hate it when I hear these stories! It makes me so mad that a good dad is in fear of not seeing his children..and it makes me just as mad when a mom KNOWS her children are being abused and she is forced to let her children go unsupervised to see the man, their father who is abusing them. That happens too, ya know. I just wish the courts could get it right.
I am divorced from my first husband and even though I think he is and has been a lousy father, he was not abusive. I would never have tried to keep him from his children. They are all grown now, but I always encouraged him to see them whenever he wanted to. I told him, just give me a call. As far as I was concerned he could not only see them as scheduled but whenever he wanted. He was the one who moved out of state, he was the one who told his 6 year old son, he was too busy to come see him anymore than he already did, he was the one who, when he came to visit on his scheduled weeknight, took them to do his errands with him, and had them back in 30 minutes.
I'm sorry you had to be fearful of such things...ridiculous!
When I was younger before I turned 18 my dad was in a custody battle for my brother and me against my mother. He lost because he was the male parent and my mother drew out the process so it became really expensive.
Fathers definitely are not treated fair when it comes to the custody of their kids. Mothers are not always the better parent.
A lot of times the mom ISN'T the better parent...
but I've seen both sides to it. I dunno. I'm glad it worked out for you. Props!
It's not that fathers are necessarily seen as "scum" by the courts; they just think mothers are better able to love and care for children. I think that perception comes from cases where the men are the sole providers and therefore aren't able to spend much time with their family. It's rare, and usually only happens if the mom is a drug addict, but sometimes fathers are awarded full custody.Â
In any case, as a child of divorced parents I think it's best to settle custody rights out of court. Not as messy. It's a good thing your ex wife didn't try to twist any of your loving acts into something perverted, but your lawyers are right. It could've happened.
I am in the process of divorce with my husband now. Our daughter is around five. We decide to do joint custody, as I beleive the only guy in this world loves my girl the most is her Dad. I won't give him hard time. I wish my daughter grow healthy and happily even after we seperate. God bless us!
FAFA have many happy by a nice kid.
Ive been 'the fight' and in my case my mother was so bad, she never took care of me and abused me, my dad took care of me, He only had me at weekends, I still remember crying, screaming when my dad handed me back.
Now Im on the other side, I never married my sons father but now I want to get married and Live somwhere else with my soon to be husband; I do not think its ever right to take a child away from a loving father, Im going to be going out of my way to make sure that my son sees his dad as much as he wants.
Id say defend yourself, you said she doesnt work at all? If she had the kids, who would pay for them? If she wants you to support them, you should get to see them; check up on how your money is being spent, how they are growing up, their wellbeing. Should your stable, have no mental problems, no convictions (thats if you have none) have been working hard, never cheated, always cared and been there. Speak to your chrildrens teachers, doctors, everything thing you need in defence to anything she or the court might bring up.
Good luck xxx
Yes the way it is can really hurt a brother.
You are a wonderful father Brick.
You raise a very valid concern. I think that perhaps the system is slightly different here, but i doubt by much, because of how similar our legal systems really are.
it's sad, but the mother has to be really horrendous before they would consider giving the father custody. father's have very little rights.
a lot of times, it is the father that leaves and is irresponsible - but today I'm thinking its pretty much even. women leave men just as much as men leave women, and just because they're women doesn't mean they're better parents!
Fathers have next to no rights when it comes to their children. I find it ironic that, in Western society, we claim that we're above caving-in to socially-constructed gender roles, yet in this arena, the courts do precisely that. I've known just as many worthless mothers as I've known deadbeat fathers, yet those worthless mothers have far more power when it comes to getting custody of their children.
It does work out sometimes, though: a friend of mine was able to get custody of his kids after his ex-wife was busted for meth. Of course, that it had to go that far before he could get custody is pathetic (how long were those kids exposed to a drug-user's lifestyle before she finally got caught?), but at least it worked out in the end.
You already know what I think about your parenting :)
omg i did not know that!
what does a bath has to do with anything!My husband has custody of his 2 sons from a previous relationship. The court granted their mother everything, which was crap. She got a free lawyer and everything because she was a "single" mom. My husband is a great husband and deserved the kids. Less than a year later they were with us and she was falling apart, just as my husband said. Now they only see her 4 days a month.
My husband had no rights. Still, even though he is the ONLY ONE to support his kids, he is the one that has given his kids an amazing life, he is the one that works so hard to make sure they have everything they need to have the best life possible, the courts just look at him as the father.
Its bull. I actually work with a few father rights programs here that have helped us but even still, most courts are all for the mothers even if the kids would have a better life with the father.
Mothers arent considered deadbeats when they dont pay child support but fathers are? What in the world? Why arent they held to the same standard?
Its stupid and unfair.
I'm really sorry the law isn't fair. honestly, we'd like to think life should be fair but it's a funny thing because it mostly isnt. From a womans perspective i've thought many times how just being a woman brings wi/ it so many unfair circumstances so, in a sense i can understand. I dont think the male is scum and it's sad that you're left feeling like that because of these statements and queries regarding your loving behavior w/ your children. It is in my opinion another example of the law being askew in an attempt to fix or control all the possible negative situations.
It really souns like you were smart and lucky to be able to work this out with you ex- although i cant understand why you call her sea-hag? oh well, guess that's your perspective.
i dont think its right that this shit happens this way just like women can get an abortion even if the man wants to be a good father and keep it WTF!!! its such a double standard my friend lost his kid that way and had to pay for the abortion or the girls father would shoot him. there is no justice no peace. we arent all womenbeating perverts that praey on little girls, there are genuine men out there who wants to be a father . . . a daddy but society would rather we have the deadbeat dads so they can make more movies about it
I think it's because our society has emasculated and dumbed down men so much that it's almost common to treat them like bumbling idiots. Just look at father figures on tv...overweight, sweaty, stupid, bumbling idiots - who probably are screwing around most of the time. It's sad and unfair. I've seen some pretty terrible mothers that get rights to the children just because they're mothers, even if they put themselves thousands of dollars in debt with credit cards, smoke non-stop, screw around, and drink themselves stupid every weekend... A father deserves just as much right to their children as a mother does. I'm glad Sea Hag worked with you.
Good post!
It's because some men ARE scum, and thanks to them some fathers can't see their children. Some people just can't trust men, and unfortunately for good people like you, there are consequences for others' actions.
I feel like i'm bias about this subject though, because my parents shared custody which turned out terrible for me. My father was horrible and that's left me unable to trust any male.
It makes me sad that really wonderful fathers get completely over looked. Fathers are just as important as mothers.
I ended up with my dad, only because I was old enough to choose. If I had been younger, there is a chance things would have turned out the way it did for you.
my dad got me & my brother, full custody. despite the fact my mother was an amazing person & mother. they have half & half now, but that was after me and my brother fought to see her more.