Sunday, 24 May 2009
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My Own Adjustment to Having a Baby (Guilt and Shame)
My previous post covered Alex and his adjustment to being a big brother. As I said then, he is doing pretty well with it all. Sure, there are some difficulties but over all...I am very impressed with how he is doing. He is certainly holding up better than I am at this point.
When I had Alex, we were in the middle of a move...literally. I was in labor and moving from one upstairs apartment to another across town. When we came home from the hospital, I went right to work at putting everything away and getting our home ready for my mom to visit. (She never did visit, but that is another story) The following day, Alex and I were at a softball game. The following weekend, we were on our first road trip to my family's Easter dinner. When Alex had colic, I would remind my husband that Alex was a baby and he couldn't help it then I would take him for a long car ride around the outskirts of Tallahassee. There was no "recovery". I just jumped right in and went back to my routine with little difficulty.
With Leyla, I have pushed myself to get back into my old routine and it just hasn't worked. Don't get me wrong...I would love to "take it easy" but it just isn't in the cards. My husband was switched back to second shift, leaving me alone with the kids during their most challenging hours of the day and night. Laundry MUST be done if we are to have anything to wear. Meals must be cooked and Alex's school lunch must be prepared. Dishes must be washed or there will be nothing to eat on. The floors must be vacuumed or my allergies will flare up even worse. I can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" because if she is awake, she wants to eat or be held. The house must be managed to the best of my ability while she sleeps...what little she sleeps. By 10pm, I am physically and emotionally exhausted to the point of tears and by 2am (her first feeding after finally going to bed around 12:30 - 1:00), I am drained to the point of outright sobbing.
By the time I get to the sobbing, I am not only feeling exhausted and frustrated and drained of all life force...I am feeling extreme guilt and shame. Why can't I handle this as well as I did with Alex? I don't even have a house to unpack and arrange. I just have a house to keep somewhat clean. There are no long road trips or softball games. Yet, I can't get it together to save my sanity. By the time I finally get to close my eyes at night I realize something...I miss spending time with Alex. Sure, he is well cared for and I try very hard to let him know that I still love him just as much as before his sister was born but I can't deny that a good portion of our "quality mommy/son time" is missing.
My husband tries to help and he does a great job but he is exhausted too. He is working ungodly hours only to come home to a crying wife and hungry daughter. He takes a feeding every night and even wakes up early the next morning to get Alex ready for school and on the bus before coming back to bed for maybe another 90 minute nap before getting up for the day. We are all exhausted and we are all stressed. The trouble is, I feel like everyone else is coping better than I am...Enter the guilt and shame.
Did you ever feel this way?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaelephant
- Name: mamaelephant
- About Me: Hi! I am Mama Elephant and I am both a college student and SAHM to a mischievous teenage son, who happens to have Autism, and an infant daughter. It is a practice in time management. Raising a child with special needs presents challenges disguised as impossibilities as well as rewards beyond the imagination and I write about both.
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Comments (21)
First I would say, do you own a sling? A baby sling? If not get one. You can do all kinds of housework with the baby right there with you. My youngest was exactly like that, worse still, he wouldn't sleep with out being held. I didn't have a sling, but sooo wish I had gone and bought one.
Secondly, do only what is absolutely necessary! And I mean absolutely necessary! I know that a lot of things seem necessary, but they aren't. So think about it.
Third, do you have some friends, church family, or extended family that lives near by? If so, ask for help! There is no shame in asking for help. Ask someone to come and just hold the baby, or if they are going shopping, to pick something up for you. ASK FOR HELP! There are many ways others can help to give you a little relief!
Okay, I don't have any children, per se. But, when my husband and I moved back the US, I went from a stay at home wife to the bread winner. In Japan, I worked but I didn't have to.....but in the US I HAD to. My hubby was/is disabled and my money all but helped us pay our bills with little left over. I workedful time and went to school full time...meanwhile, leaving my sick spouse to fend for himself. I got home and didn't want to do anything. It was horrible. But, you've gotta do what you have to do....and no worries! You are doing the best you can. :o)
A "colicky" baby often is lactose intolerant. Two of mine seemed always miserable. My sister told my wife to substitute for the milk. Their disposition improved immediately.
Oh GOSH yes, I've felt this way before. It's completely normal. And two children are more difficult than one...of course it isn't going to be like it was with your first child.
It's okay to not hold her when the only thing she wants is to be held. It'll be a lot easier that way to get stuff done and she will learn to fall asleep on her own faster. How old is she?
It's been more than a year and I'm still adjusting if that makes any sense. I'm still trying to find that sense of balance I once had from having one child with extra curricular activities everywhere to two kids with no activities besides school and a busy husband. I can't tell you why it's so much harder, it just is. So don't fret, you're not alone!
Absolutely I have felt that way when my daughter was born. People who say that everything is perfect are LIARS!!!!
I agree...do only the bare necessities around the house, try wearing the baby in a sling when you vacuum and straighten up, and try just taking a few minutes to yourself everyday. It will get better. This will pass.
I've been there right with you. My husband worked two hours away from home, and he would come home to a crying wife and baby all the time.
It'll get easier with time. Do only what is absolutely necessary and enlist help!
New rule for life: We get to kick anyone who says, ""sleep when the baby sleeps" in the shin and run away. Period.
@filtered_sunlight - haha, I agree with that one! That only works with a first child, why don't people get that?
It will get better, and I am in agreeance with everyone else, only do what you absolutely have to do. You can live in a messy house if need be. I'm glad Alex is adjusting well, that's helpful, I'm sure. My kids are all very close together, and it was hard bringing baby #2 home when my first was only 15 months old, and then baby #3 was born when #2 was 22 months old. So, I know what it feels like to feel completely overwhelmed and not even be able to keep up with the housework. It gets better, hang in there.
@Luv2BMama@xanga - The only way it kinda-sort worked after Megan (a first child) was born was that she'd sleep through the night at a week old...on one condition: she had to be in bed next to me. (Thankfully, she moved to her own bed now. Unfortunately, it's still pushing the sanity envelope now that she's recently decided she needs a midnight snack every night...right around the same time I'm bushed and ready for bed. LOL.) So, I opt to kick everyone regardless of it's a first child or not.
You sound like me when my 15 month old was born. That first year was absolute hell! And she is my first! So you are at least handling it better than I did, because you have two. Don't lose heart! :)
@filtered_sunlight - do you work outside the home? I stay at home, so it was easier to sleep when the baby sleeps, but once again, only with the first. Even then, I obviously didn't sleep everytime he slept, but it was nice to go back to sleep with him in the morning, after my husband left for work, and he nursed. We'd both snuggle back up in bed and sleep a little bit longer.
On your husbands day off, let him take over and you go to bed or else book into a cheap hotel and go to sleep there for the day. then keep taking your iron tablets as you might still need it for your energy.Â
these gals have pretty much said it all as far as advice goes, so all i can say is i have SO been there. one kid is two, the other is 6 months, and omg im tanking! my husband has recently-ish joined the navy so they have all kinds of strict times when he can and cannot be home (most of the time, he cant be home). i pretty much fend for myself as far as actual caring for the kids. and i scream in my head everyday because of it.
I felt that way with one child. One incredibly difficult child + one husband that was working too hard to notice or know how to help. Because our marriage wound up crashing and burning 9 yrs later, I give you 911 advice (at least two commenters gave similar advice, but without the necessary alarm!):
Get help! You need to take care of YOU! If it means stretching your budget for whatever # of hours of babysitting time you decide you need per day or per week you do it. If it means weekly therapy for several months. Do it.
Your kids will survive because you love them. But you need to be the best you can be for for them, for your husband, and for you!
lov and hugs and kisses from someone who's been there.
@Luv2BMama@xanga - you were very lucky to have it so easy. some of us don't, and it kinda hurts to hear that we could have done it better. Most likely our children were just very very different and our mothering styles different as well.
@Our_New_Beginning@xanga - that was a really kind empathetic response.
@beautyinbeautyout@xanga - Sorry I offended you. I sure wasn't trying to be snotty or anything. Believe I know that I'm lucky to be at home with my children. I was just in a silly conversation with filtered_sunlight. I definitely don't claim to be a better mother or be doing a better job than someone who isn't at home with their children.
I hear you on the guilt. I ended up having to have a c-section when my son was born, which then split open less than 24 hours after leaving the hospital. I ended up with a mild infection in the wound, a urinary tract infection and postpartum depression. I had to have visiting nurses come to my house every day to unpack and pack the wound with bandages which was extremely painful. I couldn't walk. I couldn't get up off of the bed/couch on my own. I couldn't even use the restroom by myself. So my family and my boyfriend ended up taking care of me and my son. I felt horribly guilty that I couldn't help them much other than to hold the baby and occasionally feed him. I felt guilty for giving up breastfeeding because I was in so much pain that dealing with one more fustration was too much for me to handle. It took over a month before I was able to walk without excrucating pain, and another three for me to feel like I was back to normal.
While I can't say I relate, because I'm not a mother yet I want to thank you for sharing this. Little pieces like this blog will stick with me, so in the future, hopefully this time next year, if i'm at that point you are now - I'll be able to look back and know i'm not alone.