Monday, 11 May 2009
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Work Me versus Home Me
As some might have read, my family has completed our first month of transitioning from mom-at-home to dad-at-home. (spare me all the role speeches, already had those, thanks) And it seems like things are hitting some kind of routine.... almost.
But what I want to know, and what I am concerned about now is this interesting phenomenon of developing a "work me". Some background may be needed:
When I was 14, I got a work permit and I worked every single summer until I turned 18 and moved away from home. When I moved away from home, I supported myself, working of course, and working hard. I got married at 22 years old, and we both worked. I had my first child at 25 years old, and I worked up until the morning that I went into labor with him (teaching dance classes, no less!). And when he was born, I strapped him into my beloved Maya Wrap Sling and kept right on working. He was the kind of baby I could do that with.
Then I got pregnant with my second son, found out a lump I had was cancer (at 8 months along) and everything came to a halt. I stopped working. I focused on getting healthy, having the baby, living to see my children grow up. Since then, I have always found ways to try to create some income from home, but mainly I have been raising childen (had another kid since then) and organizing the homefront.
Fast-forward to now: went through school (Valedictorian if I do say so myself), passed National Exam, landed 5 job offers to choose from, working two jobs. Boom. Now I am "out there". And the people I interact with are seeing a new revitalized me who feels like my worth isn't all wrapped up in little people I squeezed out of my body. It feels good to stand on my own name, and not ___'s mom.
But how do you stay true to all the parts of yourself in these kinds of situations? Work Me, meet Home Me, you know? It's like a different world which requires different skills from me. I can feel the switch happen as I drive home from work. I just want to learn to be true to myself everywhere I go.
Before you ask: yes, people at work know I am a mother and wife. They have met my family. It isn't a "secret" I am talking about here, but an internal switching over in me.
Work Me is laughing and competent and skilled and light and bouncy. I work in a major Fitness club, so being upbeat and bouncy is required. Work Me is fit and works out and eats well and smiles at strangers all day long. Work Me is always happy and life is good. Work Me always knows the answers to the questions at work. Work Me feels like I have to leave behind Home Me in order to perform well.
Home Me is tired. Home Me hugs the kids, reads stories, cooks food, cleans up, does laundry, and still never feels competent or skilled. Home Me laughs sometimes, yells sometimes, plays sometimes, but isn't regularly light and bouncy. Home Me doesn't always eat well - as I scrape some Dove Turtle Pecan ice cream straight out of the container and into my mouth... Home Me still smiles at strangers, but cares too much what those strangers think of me. Home Me has alot of people who look to me for answers... some of which I do not know. Home Me always feels like I'm sacrificing to make room for Work Me.
Does anybody else have a "Work Me" and a "Home Me"? How do you connect the two?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaseahorse
- Name: mamaseahorse
- About Me: Hi, I'm Mama Seahorse! I have three boys - rowdy crazy lovely funny boys, ages 8, 6, and 3. They will go by the names (Big Brother, Middle Man, and Little Man, respectively). I have a hubby (who goes by J) of 11 years. We live and love in the suburbs of Chicago. I think that there is humor in the little things that happen when you least expect them... and I really do know that kids say the darndest things. We try to live healthy but every family hits McD's every now and then, I think. We run our lives around my work schedule (massage therapist), J's part-time work, and the kids activities, which include modeling and acting. I also am a firm believer in making time for my girlfriends. So I like to go out in what I call my Im-not-a-mom heels which is any pair of heels I could not possibly run after a toddler in, and the BBP (Best Butt Pants) which make my butt look amay-z-zing. We moms have to do that otherwise we might forget about our awesomeness, right?
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Comments (9)
I can't give you any advice. There is only the home me here. I am a stay at home wife and mother
Hmm. I don't know. Maybe join a commune
I don't have children (yet), but there are definitely two of me, one at work and one at home. I work in a very intense people focused field, and I'm often zapped of all my niceness by the time I get home. I find myself being short tempered at home, when I have endless patience at work. I'm also a much better advocate for myself and others at work than I am at home (ya know, can't get a refund from Terminex, but can get a contractor on a work project to do ANYTHING i want!).
I'm not sure I have advice, but I certainly know your struggle. Lately what has helped me is to remember that work isn't what matters at the end of the day, it's my LIFE that matters. And if I can put my best foot forward only at work, then I'm really cheating myself and my wife the rest of the time.
Good luck finding your balance!
Well, I no longer work outside of the home, but when I did, there was only one me. I tend to smile when a situations warrants it and smile in a way that flashes the world a glimpse of my fangs when it's warranted. I was always tired, but that's getting better with getting in the habbit of taking vitamins that at least make up a little for my sketchy diet. My default setting is always Get. It. Done. no matter where I am or what I'm doing. And then, when "it" (whatever it happens to be) is done, I relax a little and I guess that's where the divide might happen a little; at work, "relaxing" meant filing away in my own little world. At home it's usually catching up on a favorite TV show. I've done such a even balance of working and full-time homemaking, that I'm confident in either setting. When I don't know the answer to something, there's one way to handle it where ever I'm at - "I'm not sure. But I can find out and get back to you!"
It seems like the secret would be to find the things that you like most about each of your "me"s and try to blend them together a bit. Maybe try to find a way to be a little more secure in who you are home...?
I find myself a little different. I am way more organized at work. Most because if I am not then I am screwed. Also I think it is easier when someone is paying you well to do your job. My home is not complete chaos and I do find ways to organize but it is so much easier to do at work.
I don't have an answer, but a heartfelt thank you for addressing a concern in my life.
I don't have kids, and have been considering never having kids because I'm exactly like you: been working since I was 14 (13 1/2 technically, but don't tell the authorities, it was a bit under the table), worked through high school, and I'm over halfway through college now, with high hopes for a great career. And I just know, if I do have kids, I never want to be a stay at home mom, I definitely want to work and establish myself professionally.
I've discussed the issue with my long term bf, who has a "Social stigmas be damned, I wouldn't mind being a stay at home dad" attitude, which is great, but it still worries me.
Totally relate. 100%
I think it is healthy that you have two different reactions to your two different situations. At work you have responsibilities (given that is the nature of a job) but if for some reason you were not able to fulfill these duties, life would continue. Most likely someone else would be able to step in- like teamwork. At work you get to deal with adults, who for the most part can take care of themselves.
At home you are performing many duties at once, all the while with little ones constantly needing something from YOU. A mother is an amazing creature with the ability to multi task unlike any other (especially a male). The stress of it all is often overwhelming- magnified by the fact that there is little to no "off" time.
Enjoy your time at work, and come home rejuvinated, ready to take on laundry/dinner/homework/runny noses. Don't feel guilty. Remind yourself that you are smart and talented, providing for your family.
Oh yeah, and appreciate your husband for staying home with the kids all day!
@marthamayfaulkner@xanga - YES! thank you! I do appreciate him SO much... he came from such an old fashioned family, but he is a forward-thinker definitely. he loves the time he gets to spend at home with the kids now, and he is so giving, I really appreciate him. He is also supportive and not threatened by my success, which is amazing.
thanks for your words!