Thursday, 23 April 2009

• How to Detect the Early Signs for Weird Kids

  As a member of society, it is each of our duties to protect children from being weird. Sometimes, parents have the best intentions, but they are only doing their kids more harm than good by putting them into programs, or making lifestyle decisions that will ultimately result in their kids being weird. I have come up with a few examples of common things to look out for. Please be on watch, and make sure you tell the parents before the damage is permanent.

  1. Kids who watch too much tv.

  

  It fries their brain! That kid is being raised on tv, just like his dad was, and it's going to result in some serious weirdness. No social skills at all. Luckily, there's probably tons of other kids getting raised the same way, so he should be able to find a weird tv raised girl to marry some day. 

  Also watch for kids who watch no tv, kids who read books, and kids who play outside too much. 

  2. Kids who take violin lessons. 

  

  I mean, just look at those kids. Weird, weird, weird, and weird. They don't stand a chance. They're just gonna get made fun of.

  Also be on the lookout for kids who take karate, kids who listen to country music, and kids who wear stiped shirts and/or pants.

  3. Kids who like animals.

  

  That little girl sure looks cute now, but wait until she's a teenager, and her last 5 best friends have never included a member of the same species. Some of the early warning signs include watching animal planet more than cartoons, and doodling little horses on all her school work.

  Also watch for kids who don't have pets, kids who are scared of dogs, and kids who like dinosaurs.

  4. Homeschooled kids.

  

  Spend all your time cooped up in a room with only your parents all day, and you are going to be one sick puppy. This is the stuff serial killers are made of.

  Also be alert for private school kids, CCOC kids, kids who don't like school, and kids who like it too much.

  5. Kids who play chess.

  

  Poor kid. It looks like he's almost normal. But give him another 6 months in that room full of wack-jobs, and he'll be as loony as Bobby Fischer. You want your kid to disappear? Stop trying to get your kid to be smart. It just makes him weird. That poor kid next to him looks like he's probably home-schooled too. That kid's parents need to find a better socialization routine than chess class, because that's just a double fail.

  Also keep your eyes open for kids who play video games, kids who wear the color red, and kids who speak Latin. Early signs of chess-playing weirdness may include playing Candyland.

  These have just been a small portion of what to look for to ensure that your friends' kids don't end up being weird. If you see kids exhibiting any signs of these problems, please contact your local authorities right away.

  I could not possibly mention all the ways for a kid to become weird, but a dishonorable mention goes to the following: Christian kids, kids who wear glasses, kids who wear braces, kids who don't go to church, kids with crooked teeth, kids with freckles, and red-headed step children.

  If you fear that you may in fact be a weird kid, please, pick up your phone immediately and dial the number to your parents' house to yell at them. Actually, just walk down the hall. We both know you still live at home.

  What are other early signs you can think of?

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