Wednesday, 22 April 2009
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Lets Talk About Sex, Baby
by Mama Bee 
I was watching a talk show today when I was folding laundry when I was taken back by the subject. Talking about sex with your child. They had two 14 year olds that are "in love" on the show and talked about their decision to have sex.
The boy's mother kept an open dialogue with her son. She talked to him about sex AND bought him condoms. The girl's mother was upset by this. She was upset thinking the other mom was condoning them having sex and didn't like that the mother bought condoms for her daughter's boyfriend to have sex.
The girl's mom said that sex wasn't something she talked about with her. The boy's mom said she is very open with her kids and feels it's her duty to educate her son, just as she would expect the other lady to educate her daughter. Her argument was:
"Just as I don't tell you to take your daughter to get birth control for her pap, I dont expect you to be able to tell me not to educate my son or make sure he isn't smart WHEN he has sex, because they will."
They then had a psychologist on that said there are some questions you need to talk about before you have sex. Some of which included:
- If you got pregnant, what would you do?
- Will you guys talk about it the next day?
- How long do you guys want to be together?
- Will you or your partner get tested before you have sex? Have you thought about that?
I was thinking about those. The pregnancy question is great but do you really think of that when you're 14? Your hormones are all over, I don't think you can grasp something that big at such a young age. I also think 14 is way too young to start having sex, but I know it happens.
Did you know 1/3 of girls get pregnant before 20? I was shocked!
I have two boys and one girl. I don't know what I will do when I have to cross this bridge but I do know my husband and I will be very honest with our kids and keep that communication open. You can't stop a kid from doing something they have their mind set to. I won't condone it, that's for sure. All parents want their kids to wait until they are married but that's not realistic.
I didn't wait until I was married but I know that I was responsible about it when I had sex at almost 20. I was with my boyfriend for almost 5 years and after a year together, my mom had "the talk" with me. I was already on birth control for endometriosis but she still taught me alot. My pregnant sister, who was 16, did as well. I was there for my nephew and nieces birth and let me say, THAT was my lesson to abstinence.
I can't imagine, at 14, being comfortable with sex or thinking it's pleasureable in any way.
So, what's my plan?
I will talk to my kids about sex, very openly (and very age appropriately). I will let them know I don't condone it, but I want them to be safe and smart, should they decide to make that decision. I don't believe that just because you talk about it with your children that is saying its okay. They are going to learn about it, one way or another.
Have you had to talk to your child(ren) about sex? Do you take the side of the boys mother, or the girls mother? How did your parents talk to you about sex?
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About the Author
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- From: mamabee
- About Me: Hi, I'm Mama Bee. I'm from Colorado and I've lived here my entire life. I'm happily married to the most amazing guy and have been for going on 3 years. I am a stay at home mom with 2 step sons that live with my husband and I full time. C is 6 and J is 5. My husband, Daddy Bee, and I have a daughter together. K is 15 months and is a miracle baby. I would like to have another baby but due to some health issues I've been told I may not be able to. I believe that is why God gave me my daughter and our boys. My family has and will always come first. Marriage and motherhood are hard, but the most rewarding things I've ever been able to experience in my life. We have our ups and downs, we're not perfect but we try, we live, and we learn. We laugh when things get hard and we are thankful when things are easy. With 3 kids our life never seems boring. I look forward to sharing my family with you!
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Comments (119)
My parents didn't talk to me about sex, the conversation was basically "Is that how it works?" and she said "yeah" and went about her day. i havent had sex yet, i am engaged and my fiance and i both decided we wanted to wait to have sex until after we are married. i want to make sure my kids learn about it from me, and not from friends, or tv or anything, i dont want them to have any misconceptions about it.
I am 100% on the boy's mother's side and yours. I am doing the exact same thing with my boys.
My mom did the exact opposite, we never once talked about sex until after I was pregnant at 17.
My mom never actually sat me down and talked to me about it. She pretty much said don't be stupid. Well I wasn't stupid. I was on birth control when I got pregnant. I'm 20 and I'm due July 13th. But I'm with the father and we've been engaged for over a year so it's not like I was being "stupid." When the time comes I will educate my child about it and tell them how to be safe so they can make the right decisions! I definately take the side of the boys' mother. At least she was teaching him how to be safe if and when he made the decision to start having sex. That poor girl probably knows nothing of it since "it's not something her mom talks to her about." :(
I had been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 months when i introduced him to my parents(I was 21 at the time, living at home). That would be the first time sex was brought up around our house. Thankfully, we were both very responsible and still are.
Come to think of it, my mother gave me a book about puberty when I turned 11(though i already had my period for a year by then), I'm pretty sure sex was mentioned in it, but I can't really remember as I wasn't interested at the time.
I think keeping an open dialogue is key... if your child is comfortable enough with you to come to you and say 'I'm ready to have sex' then you as the parent should be comfortable enough to continue the conversation, educate them on birth control options, etc. Communication is key because kids are going to have sex... abstinence only talks simply don't do the trick anymore.
I am going to be open with my daughter about sex. It's not about just not having sex because of pregnancy and STD's, it's about the psychology of it as well. That side gets ignored too much. When a teenager girl has sex, it's with her mind and heart also, not just her genitals. If she has sex and gets dumped, she'll feel guilty and depressed about it, and I think that will lead to more reckless behavior, especially if she doesn't have a good relationship with her father. I want my daughter to know that her body is a treasure, and that her virginity is a gift to give to someone WORTHY of it. I wish my parents had talked to me (they didn't, and I found out the hard way).
Sex is a vivid picture of unity with another person through it you become physically one. In a marriage it adds a lot to the committment you have made to each other. Also a side of sex is that it is designed to produce the blessing of children.
Having sex outside of marriage adds stress to that relationship and to every relationship that follows. Yes a guy or a gal give more away than just a few minutes of their time when they have sex with each other and that is a good thing when it happens in the context of a permanent committment to each other. Also it's a bad thing when it happens in a temporary relationship. It takes away from the people who are not cemented together emotionally, spiritually or physically.
In short it turns something wonderful into something dreadful.It makes both of those people begin to look at conception and birth and parenting as a bummer. It opens both people up to the possibility of diseases that they may not find out they have for years and years which can affect their future children and those they eventually marry too!
Being open with your children about these things is a good idea. No you can't control your children but you can talk openly about the contrast between a sex being a blessing inside of marriage and sex being a distraction and disaster outside of marriage. And if you are a parent and you are approachable your kids will bring it up so you don't really have to try to figure out how you will talk to them about it. It will be a topic your kids will be curious about and you can gradually talk more and more in depth and encourge them not to go get pills and condoms but to get some solid information that will make their life stronger and happier by being open with them whether you were a virgin when you married or whether you weren't. The possiblility of intelligent, caring parenting is available to any parent regardless of your own past. I'd encourage parents not to let your own mistakes and shortcomings guilt you into thinking that your kids can't make better decisions than you did if you did not enter mariage a virgin. That is a myth that is passed along all the time.
That boy's mother and that girl's mother in the story are both wrong but for different reasons. The boy's mom is an idiot. She is the equivalent of the Dad
's who think taking their son to a prostitute is something to be proud of!!
My daughter is 8 I already bring it up to her because she brings it up to me. Yes at 8 they are already talking about it at school.
I agree with the boys mother you have to be open to talking about it with your kid or else someone else is going to do it for you and god knows what they will be trying to convince your child of. It is not one of those things you can shove in the closet and bring back out when your child is 30.
I dont remember my mom having a sit down chat with me she would just talk to me about whatever came up. There was never any shame involved.
I think the pregnancy issue is on a teenager's mind if they've had sex ed or health classes before, which is why it's so important to address these topics in school. In fact, my first lesson on sexual education was in 5th grade, where they covered the reproductive system. My mom didn't really have the talk with me until after I started dating, but I'd already learned everything I needed to know in class.
Open dialogue is the best thing. Altough we hope our children wait, whether it is until they are mature enough to handle it or beyond that to marriage, being open with the about the pluses and minuses can make a big difference.
Growing up my mom always talked about sex between married people. I was in my first real relationship when I was almost 15 until I was 20. Believe it or not we didn't have sex. We both wanted to wait (thank goodness, we're no longer together and I am thankful that I waited). At about the age of 16 my mom came to me and said, although she would like for me to wait until marriage, she wanted me to know that if I decided not to wait that I could come to here and she would make sure I was on birth control. I hope I can handle it wit the same class my mom did.
I would also like to say that I don't believe the statistic that 1/3 of girls get pregnant before the age of 20. Thats 3-4 out of every 10 girls. In some cities that might be true but I doubt it holds true for the entire US as a whole. But I know many many people who are over 20 and do not have kids nor where they ever pregnant. I would be interested to see the backup to that statistic.
I believe in open dialogue but I also know that if a 14 year old girl is wanting to have sex, she is either thinking it is expected or looking to be "loved" or both of the above. It isn't really the desire to have sex that is the driving force here. The mom of the daughter needs to not only talk about sex with her child she needs to find out why her daughter at the age of 14 is wanting it.
veeeeeeery true . i agree completely (: wow , 14 ? WAAAY too young . and waaay to young to risk getting pregnant too . i personally think sex isfor marriage , but if you`re gonna do it , at least do it at the age where you can take the chance of getting pregnant and can actually raise your child .
` crystal <3
I do NOT agree with anyone under 17 having sex, because of the risk of STDs and Pregnancy, i have other reasons as well. but those are my major ones. i honestly dont believe its right, its cheapening love. and marriage as well. and if they cannot support a child, they shouldnt be having sexual intercorse.
My parents and I talked about sex a lot, and I really think that is the main reason I chose not to have sex until I got married at 22. We talked about how it was GREAT, but how it was best saved for marraige. They gave me a fabulous respect for sex! I am very thankful that my parents were so open, and I hope to have that kind of relationship with my own children.
mom talked to me @ the age of 9. i knew more things then i should've... but anyways.. that was almost 7 years ago... things have changed. IM still awaiting the second take. the one that reinforces what u say. it hasn't come yett.. n i have plans soon.. so... ya.
@ALEX_NICKOLIAH@xanga - That's an interesting take since the STD rate is actually highest for 18-24 year olds, and significantly lower for the younger age group. Although I do agree that you shouldn't be having sex until you're an adult and can accept the consequences.
@sloggy@xanga - I respectfully disagree with what you have said, but my largest concern drives at the very last of it. "She is the equivalent of the Dad's who think taking their son to a prostitute is something to be proud of!!" Why.. Not at ALL! Please consider for a moment that children under 18 aren't little machines we must CONTROL and that they are people capable of things with their own free wills. It's a blessing to have a free spirit and have an independent will, to be able to think for yourself and not be bought into the mass cycle of moron mentality that is 80% of ignorant Americans or otherwise "educated" societies. Bottom line- If that boy wishes to have sex, he'll do it one way or another. Yes, I agree, he's really too young to know what a relationship means and what love is but consider the moms side of the story- Are you telling me you'd keep your children locked in the house until they thought the way you thought? Because apparently it's the only way anyone's allowed to think as long as they're your children? Children are STUBBORN! I've raised a boy, I should know! They learn what they choose to learn and care about what they care to care about. Agreed, you are responsible for your children, but a fair amount of what you seemingly suggest, I would say, is right along the lines of saying, "Ladies, it's time to make that child of yours mommy's robot. Lets live through him and make sure he/she doesn't make the mistakes WE did!" Mistakes... mistakes are what make us and teach us better than any parable, stories, or other words ever could. Experience, we must experience some things first hand in order to grow! Don't threaten your child with fear- this world isn't TO be feared and nor is sex! There are other ways and preaching abstinence to a child who doesn't wish to heed your warnings. If you raise your child right, that is to say a productive, educational and safe environment, I doubt you'd have a problem with your child being anything but good natured and good hearted and willing to listen and understand.
That mother is doing what's right. Better off than her son impregnating a 14 yr old girl that neither he nor she could care for. Albeit, I'd tell my child not to have sex and why (perhaps even try disciplinary measures), but if he's determined, the carelessness could cost a great deal more damage to anyone involved than the actual supplying him with effective birth control. Perhaps the problem in this picture lays more with the childs environment than the mothers choice in this one, particular matter.
My mother was very open about sex with me, even though I hated the conversations. I'm glad she did. She said two very powerful things to me. The first was that teenaged girls who have sex seldom have orgasms, so it was WORTH waiting. The second was that she'd kill me if she found out I was having sex.
She also made sure that I had other trusted adults to talk to about sex and my body because she knew I wouldn't listen to her or feel comfortable talking about girl issues with my mom.
Okay, she didn't really kill me, but sure was right about my teenage body and orgasms. I was also the LAST of my friends to lose my virginity. My friend's parents never talked about sex.
The whole support system made sure I had all the accurate and best information. Eventually, she made sure that all my girlfriends had the proper information as well as access to birth control.
Driving is dangerous, and parents don't like their kids doing because of all the risks and growing up involved, but its taught, its done and most people survive it. Thank god someone teaches us. We are prepared for every other big event in our lives. Parents and educators strive to give us the very best tools as children for everything else.
Why not sex? We are human. We are made to procreate. Sex feels good for a reason. Our hormones are there for a reason... keeping a maturing mind in the dark about sex isn't logical.
Yes, I will give my son the proper education about his body, so he doesn't have to look it up online or get it in a locker room from his peers. I want him to have the best education all around, including the education of procreation.
Another thing to consider in withholding the proper information is the resent that teenagers feel as a result. Teaching the entire story, instead of the bits you want is like teaching Math, but leaving out division. They'll see other kids doing division and wonder what its all about. Then they'll attempt to divide numbers in secret and when they don't get it, they'll feel ashamed. Then they'll be angry with you for leaving them in dark and helpless about that important part of math because so many people divide all the time, on a daily basis... but how come no one prepared them for all this?
@sloggy@xanga - Let us know how that approach works out for you when you've got a hormonal teenager on your hands or how its working if you already do.
I love the idea of teaching the emotional factor to sex, bravo. The rest, well, not so much. I'm always curious to see how the parental plans actually materialize, because our kids our often not how we idealize them to be...
My mother was very open with me about sex. She told me she didn't condone sex, but she knew in the end that the decision is not up to her. She encouraged us to tell her when we did make the decision, and that she would not be mad, she just wanted to help. She always kept condoms in the house, in her dresser drawer, and told us where they were. While she did not condone it, she wanted us to be safe. My brothers and I were taught a lot by this. It didn't feel like we COULDN"T do it, so we weren't trying to be defiant by doing it. Also, we KNEW the consequences, my mother never left those out. Being educated about sex and all of the ramifications made me think, and not give into peer pressure or simple curiosity.
To this day, my mom still talks with me about sex, even though I have been having sex for years. She won't let me forget what could happen, or that she cares and is there for me. I think that is what it comes down to. Do you want your kids to be uneducated? Do you want them to have sex unprotected? Or do you want them to make the decision (that they will already make on their own) & already be equipped with the knowledge and safety precautions?
You can't HIDE sex from your kids.. it is everywhere. I'm not saying you need to tell them to go and have sex, but they ARE going to do it. I'm just saying... EDUCATE them, then maybe (Hopefully) the teen pregnancies will go down!
I watched the same thing. I understood the boys mom to have bought him the condoms because she knows she can't 'watch' him all the time, and because she knows that sooner or later sex will happen. She wants to make sure he's educated and protected. 14 is young.. however, I have a cousin that gave birth to her disabled son the day after she turned 15.. I think the sooner you start talking about it, the more they'll know and the more they will think about.
My mom was always very open with us. I feel it was very beneficial in more ways than one. We wern't afraid to talk to her and she wasn't ashamed to talk to us about sex. I hope that i will be as open and understanding when my children are old enough.
My parents never talked to me about sex, I learned about it when I was 9 or 10 from my best friend haha.
I pieced the rest of it all together just by going to school and having access to the internets x)
But everytime I have sex with my bf it's like, god I worry. But I'm on birth control and we use condoms, so maybe I shouldn't worry so much...?
I kind of fall in the middle. I think it's important to tell kids the truth about sex and all of the baggage that comes with it. I certainly don't think that is telling them they should have sex. As much as people bash the abstinence thing, it is the only 100% surefire way to NOT get pregnant and NOT get STD's. But they still need to know how their bodies work and what the opposite sex is thinking, etc. I don't think the mom should have actually gone out and gotten condoms for him. In my mind, that is condoning it. You have to give them the information and let them decide what to do with it, and then pay the consequences of their actions.
well, in my case I was raised in a Christian home. my mom never went into detail about sex. she basically said that it was suppose to be saved for marriage and *here's the kicker* that if I didn't obey that, i'd go straight to HELL! Geez, telling that to me at 12 years old scared the crap out of me! so, i honestly didn't have sex in my teen years because I was fearful of that "fact." Hahaha. It was a month before my 20th birthday when I finally said "why does everyone say it's so great? what's the big deal?" Needless to say, the first time I had sex was horrible! We were both virgins and had no clue what to do. LOL. I remember crying after it happened and it freaked him out and he said, "are you okay?" and I said, "no, I'm no longer a virgin..." He got weirded out by my reaction and left.
I'm actually a single mom, now. I became pregnant when I was 23, so that's not too bad age wise to become pregnant. I remember telling my mom the weekend before I left for basic training for the Air Force that I had lost my virginity and she was so pissed. She said, "well, was it enjoyable?" and when I said "no" she said that I brought it upon myself. *rolling eyes* Whatever...
I definitely will be talking to my son about sex at an early age. If someone else on here commented how her daughter is being taught at school around age 8, then if my son has questions, I'm not going to hem and haw around the subject. I know that it boggles peoples minds about parents providing their children with condoms and what not, but in my viewpoint, at least the parents talked with their kids about sex. Parents should not soley rely on the school system to tell their children everything about sex. I will definitely tell my son why sex is considered sacred and tell him about my experiences. I want him to know what it's about and ultimately let him make his decision from there. I believe that if you present all angles and all the facts that go with it, your child will have a very good head on his shoulder on whether or not he will wait.
I'm sure I'm saying this with ease right now but when my son asks me this years from now I'll be stuttering and freakin' out. HAHAHA.
Just thought I'd give my two cents on this subject.
Tracey
lol i remember when my mom told me... She's a nurse so it was all very technical. it was an evening when I was 13 after supper... We talked in the kitchen and i completely destroyed a paper clip. But yes i agree parents should teach their kids and encourage to not have sex until they are ready (hopefully at a later age than 14). I know that if I have kids, I will tell them about sex, but encourage them to wait.