Sunday, 12 April 2009
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HouseHusband, When You and Your Husband Switch Roles
As I make the switch from stay-at-home working mother to "outside world" working mother, I find myself floating in a sense between the two worlds, still trying to find my center, my rhythm, my balance. Not only am I working as a massage therapist (at Lifetime Fitness), but I also maintain my own clients, AND I am a freelance dance instructor. I have been a dance instructor for many years, but for some reason, as I stepped into my new career as a therapist, the dance jobs also came rolling in... when it rains, it pours, right? In a good way.
While all of this was happening, my husband was suddenly out of work (as many have found themselves in today's economy and job market). This was both frightening (just when we thought we were expanding our income, suddenly it shrinks again), and exciting - he would now have the time to pursue his passion and what he has always wanted to do: teach martial arts.
Everything was flipped in our household in the matter of one week. I went from being the primary caregiver to being the primary wage earner, and he went from asking "what time does Big Brother's school start?" to being a HouseHusband. I was worried at first, always calling out details and orders as I would run out the door;
"Reading log and spelling journal is due today!"
"Make sure he takes his library books to school with him this morning!"
"Did you sign his behavior sheet?"
"Do NOT give them cake for breakfast!"
kiss kiss and I was gone. All those years that he would walk out of that door and drive away to what I considered much easier work than staying at home with all these pairs of eyes staring at you, asking you to teach them how to be good people, I thought, man, he doesn't know how good he's got it. And now we had that rare chance to flip roles and find out just how good the other had it. And... we are happy.
As soon as I stopped calling out the orders on my way out, as soon as I trusted that although he might not do things the same way that I do them, but he will do them, as soon as I let go a little bit and stepped fully into my own new role instead of trying to manage both, I felt a sense of exhale. I don't have to "do it all". Some mothers do - my own mother was a single mother who worked incredibly hard to earn a living AND put herself through school too. But I am blessed that I don't have to do it all on my own. So why am I trying to?
And now I come home to him; my hubby, which is a great feeling, I must say. And sometimes he's got the kitchen clean and the floors vaccumed. And sometimes he even has bathed the kids! And after all the years of carrying babies, having babies, and caring for babies, I am out there in the working world and I have to say, it feels great.
There's always that part of me that misses the kids and family, but I appreciate them so much more when I come home. And I never thought I would say this, being a type A perfectionist personality, but he does the house thing better than I do! Yup.
So that fairytale story about the husband and wife who envied each other and then swapped roles only to find out they preferred their original roles, that's not applicable here. Is it applicable anywhere anymore? Life is always changing, and so are we. It is better to be fluid and flow with the changes life brings than to fight against them. I have discovered there is some new life waiting in those unexpected changes.
Would you be happy if your role and your husband's role was switched?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaseahorse
- Name: mamaseahorse
- About Me: Hi, I'm Mama Seahorse! I have three boys - rowdy crazy lovely funny boys, ages 8, 6, and 3. They will go by the names (Big Brother, Middle Man, and Little Man, respectively). I have a hubby (who goes by J) of 11 years. We live and love in the suburbs of Chicago. I think that there is humor in the little things that happen when you least expect them... and I really do know that kids say the darndest things. We try to live healthy but every family hits McD's every now and then, I think. We run our lives around my work schedule (massage therapist), J's part-time work, and the kids activities, which include modeling and acting. I also am a firm believer in making time for my girlfriends. So I like to go out in what I call my Im-not-a-mom heels which is any pair of heels I could not possibly run after a toddler in, and the BBP (Best Butt Pants) which make my butt look amay-z-zing. We moms have to do that otherwise we might forget about our awesomeness, right?
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Comments (15)
No. I would not be happy at all because God has given me such a big job as the guardian of my home that I just know, because scripture tells me, that I couldn't do both. My husband wasn't made to be a Mom, I was. My husband wasn't made to raise the children, I was. My husband wasn't made to take care of the every day runnings of the home, I was. I was made to be his help mate, not him mine. So no I would never be happy if my husband and I changed jobs and for the record, neither would he.
Oyf. Being away from my home for the next two+ months is driving me nuts. I cannot wait to get back next weekend. The next three weekends are going to be "home" weekends. I think I'm driving Tim nuts... Water the plants! But don't get water on the leaves of the african violets! Don't over water the orchids! Check on the worms! Did you remember to feed the fish? The bird? Is the back door locked?? I hate it. I hate not knowing that things are done and done right. To make matters worse? He slipped up and told me he still had laundry in the dryer while he was here this weekend! *twitch, twiiiitch*
@HSmomto4@xanga - Hmmmm...not so sure you can actually back that up scripturally. It also sounds as thought he IS your helpmate, not the other way around. From your message, it sounds like you manage the house and the family and just send him off every day to bring money home for you. I'm not saying any of that is a bad thing, and God may have given you the household and kid raising strengths and not left any strength in those areas for your husband, but it sounds like you have a very specific attitude towards how things are to be.
For the record, I've been a working mama right up until the day I birthed my daughter, and then came back again at 6 weeks post partum...and I hate it. My husbsand is an AWESOME stay at home daddy and great at getting housework done (when he actually does it). It's just that my heart is at home with my baby and it's extremely difficult to be totally happy working. Maybe this is one of those gender roles that some of us can't get away from? Do NOT reply to me that it's God's will for women to stay home and men to work. It's not biblical, nor practical for our family. My husband has been looking for work for over a year now and there really is nothing to be found in the area. As soon as roles are able to be flipped, they will be. Until then, keep the tissues out.
Due to the economy, I will be the working parent and my husband will stay home. We both know that is what is best for our son, but it is a little distressing for both of us. He feels like he won't be contributing enough, and I struggle with the idea that the way I have to be a good mommy is to make sure my son has heat, food, and health insurance, even if that means a shorter maternity leave and overtime.
We came into our marriage with really egalitarian ideas, like that both of us would seek job flexibility and work/life balance to spend time with our kids, so it's more that we lost that dream than that we're really chafing under reversed gender roles.
I also worry a lot that he is going to struggle with all of the problems SAHMs have without even the social support they get (which still isn't a lot).
@mrsEast@xanga - The scripture to back this is found in Titus 2:3-5, 1 Timothy 5:14, Proverbs 31, and Genesis 2:8-18. Not my words, but God's.
Sorry to hear about your husband's job loss. We're in the same situation on that, but since I'm due next month, I'm not working. I think my husband would be so loss without me giving him instructions though. His mom did everything for him and his brother. I think we like our roles. hehe
Sometimes life throws you a loop and people have to do what they have to do to make ends meet. You are very lucky that your husband has stepped up to the challenge and is being very supportive in many ways. There are more stay at home dads now than before. I applaud them all.
www.myubam.com/AFF11193 to benefit the March of Dimes.
I don't know! I think I could be happy but I don't think he would be happy.
@HSmomto4@xanga -
1. In the case of Titus and the letters to Timothy, those are Paul's words, not God's. Paul was a godly man, but still a man, and he's telling his followers what he prefers to do in his church.
2. You took the verses from Titus and 1 Tim. out of the context of their letter, which you can't really do with epistles. It's important to take into consideration the entire letter to understand the meaning of a specific passage.
3. For centuries, both men and women were in charge of both the
house and the work, mainly because they were in the same place. It is
only with the industrial revolution, when work became further from the
home, that gender roles were split.
Nowhere in any of those verses does it say that a woman's place is in the home. It says that women who do those things are blessed, yes, which makes sense because it's a lot of work. But it does not say that she is only supposed to take care of children or that men can't take over that responsibility.
4. Yes, God made woman as a "helper" for man, but that does not mean that they aren't equal or that he isn't a helper for her. Genesis 1:27 says that we are both created in the image of God.
5. The reason that the verses seem to say that a woman should be in the home is because that was the ONLY thing women were really allowed to do in that culture. But God is all for woman leaders. Check out Deborah, for example. She ruled over many men as a wise judge.
6. Nowhere in any of those verses does it say that a woman's place
is in the home. It says that women who do those things are blessed,
yes, which makes sense because it's a lot of work. But it does not say
that she is only supposed to take care of children or that men can't
take over that responsibility.
Honestly, when my husband and I have children, I plan on staying home with them and eventually homeschooling them while my husband earns the income. I see nothing wrong with either parent staying at home or working. It is a personal choice that, in our case, would work best. I just don't like seeing people use the Bible to argue against other peoples' choices. : )
Mama Seahorse, I admire you and your husband.
@Usagi - Those are Pauls words? Then what do you do with 2 Timothy 3:16? "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness" These verse are for our instruction and training period. They were not Pauls opinion. And further, if you do read those verses in the text, the entire book that is, then you do find that they make perfect sense and show that we are to be keepers at home.
Also no where did I say that women are not equal to men. I simply said that God has given both men and women different jobs. None are better than the other persons but they are different. If one fails in their job who picks up the slack? Someone else who has to be pulled away from their family?
Again what do you do with Proverbs 31? It spells out in great detail what a Godly woman is. If you say that she only does those things to be blessed then why did God take such great detail in saying this women is far above rubies and something we should be?
It makes me so sad that even in church today where we were once taught to honor and obey God's word that we now have such hard core feminist who want to fill the role God gave the man. And most Christians have no idea that they have been sold a pack of lies because they don't take the time to read and study the scriptures.
For those who may be caught up reading this I encourage you to read Passionate Housewives. There is no such thing as Christian feminism. You either embrace the biblical model and call it "very good" just as God did, or you reject it and plummet over the edge with the rest of the world that is on the train going over the cliff.
I'm a little distressed at how the comments are turning into a war, a Christian war. While we keep a Christian home, economic reality has to intrude. It is difficult to keep a Christian home if no one is bringing home enough money to pay the mortgage.
Having said that, my personal experience is that I have always been the breadwinner, every day of our 26 year marriage. Occasionally my husband would bring home a bigger check but I've always had a bigger salary. And I've had a steadier job, I've been at the same company for 26 years as well. My husband has had several different jobs, finally finding a career two years ago.
It would've made much more sense for us to have hubby stay home once we had kids, but he couldn't tolerate it. I couldn't either. I went part time, giving up a day a week of work and pay, and he continued to work different jobs. We constantly juggled out schedules so the kids wouldn't be in day care more than two days a week. It was easier, of course, once the kids were in school: he'd make sure they got to school since I went to work at 7, I was home when they got off the bus.
We are a team. We work together for our family. We worship God as a family.
It hasn't been easy but it has been rewarding. We don't have a fancy house, but we have one and it's almost paid for. We have two cars, neither of them new or fancy. We have one kid in college and he's paying his own way with minimal help from us. We have taught our children that God helps those who help themselves.
@HSmomto4@xanga - as you said yourself YOU would not be happy if you were to work outside the home. This post was not written by you, though. Its about me. And my own family. My husband wasn't "made" to be a mom either, he isn't replacing me, he's simply being a DAD. And I hope that your statement "my husband wasn't made to raise children" isn't true at all for your children's sake, because my husband is certainly made to raise children along with me. Its not one person's job! If that is true, then why not be a single parent and have him just ,mail you money?! I am certain your husband is raising your children with you. I am glad that your family has something that works for you. This wasn't some flippant thing I decided to get up one day and flip the roles. In case you didn't notice the part of the post that talked about my husband losing his job, read it again. And I know many many more families that are in the same position. I had 8 glorious years staying home with my children, and I am thankful for that. My husband had nearly 11 years of marriage of being the primary wage-earner. Now I get to ease that pressure off of him, and he gets to enjoy more time with our children. It's as simple as that: a partnership. Respect for each other - and sometimes, I even take out the garbage while he cooks dinner! (gasp)
@DixieD@xanga - I think the whole point is to figure out what works for your own family. Thank you for being honest about your own experiences.
@Usagi - thank you very much! I appreciate your words!
I'd like to interject that any choice made in a family unit is usually a careful and difficult choice. Each family has to work within their own beliefs and convictions and find out what works for them. Writing about my own experiences as I transition from being a stay-at-home mom to working outside the home full-time is my own way of getting what's inside out. My writing is not meant to judge any other person's way of living in any way. :) I know firsthand how these choices are made with love and family in mind - and I respect the process.
@mamaseahorse - I'm in the same boat as you. I went to school and graduated. 6 months after I started working as a nurse my husband lost his job. He is currently looking but hasn't found anything so far. We have switched roles and he is a much happier SAHD than I was a SAHM. I became a nurse so that I could have the best of both worlds. My husband is sad that he lost his job but is enjoying the time that he is getting with our boys.
To the one poster who said "My husband wasn't made to raise the children, I was" I certainly hope that is not true. I don't think that is what God intended. Children need both their parents to raise them not just one.