Monday, 06 April 2009

  • How Do We Protect Our Daughters?

    How do we protect our daughters?
    (image source)

    I stumbled upon a recent article in Newsweek, titled "Generation Diva." 

    As the mommy of a little girl, (who I believe is the most beautiful, perfect little girl in the world - what mother doesn't think that of their babies?), this article caught my attention.  I began reading it and trying to think back to when I was in elementary school.  I just don't remember being concerned with beauty at that age.  My mom cut my hair, I never wore name-brand clothes, my fingernails had dirt under them from playing outside instead of nail polish on them, I was an active little tomboy type.  Being in a dress was torture for me.  I don't remember being in a salon until at least I was in high school!

    Even through high school, I was the athletic girl with a ponytail and tennis shoes.  I felt awkward when I had to dress up on game days and often begged the coach to just let us wear our basketball warm-ups.  Walking in heels would definitely cause me to sprain an ankle and I avoided that at all cost because I didn't want to sit the bench.  I guess what I'm getting at is that I was the opposite of the girls that this article talks about. 

    Now I look at my daughter, who is 7 months old, and I wonder what she will be like growing up.  When she is five, like the article mentions, will she want spa days instead of sleepovers?  Will she be mortified if she isn't wearing the right clothes?  Will she be one of the 81% of 10-year-olds who is afraid of being fat?  It breaks my heart to think of her unhappy with who she is and striving to resemble an airbrushed, fake image. 

    This article even mentions the TLC show, Toddlers and Tiaras.  I have watched maybe 5 minutes of that show because I think it's freaky.  I wonder how a child can be taught "confidence" when she has to have fake hair, fake teeth, fake lashes, and a fake tan to be considered "pretty" enough to win the competition.  This is certainly not what I want for my daughter. 

    I have thought about this topic in the past on several occassions, and it seems like it's getting more and more obvious as my daughter grows up.  What can I do to protect her?

    Some of my ideas don't really start with her though.  They're more about me because I am going to be her role model for the next few years.  I can start by being happy with myself.  I am 30 and I don't have the body that I had when I was 20 (especially now that I had a baby).  If I am always criticizing how I look, she will see that.   Children mimic what they see.  So I can learn to appreciate my body, despite the flaws I have.  I can eat healthy.  I can be active.  I can be positive.  I can be smart.  I can be funny.  I can be friendly.  If I have a positive outlook on life, maybe that will rub off on her.

    As she grows older, I can complement her more on the things she does, rather than always complementing on how cute or pretty she is.  I can praise her when she learns something new.  I can appreciate her help when she puts her toys away.  She can jump high, run fast, throw far.  It doesn't always have to be about her looks.  Then maybe, just maybe she will see that she is more than just the clothes she wears or her make-up or her highlights (when she turns 25) ;).  I am praying so anyway!

    Do you think about these same things with your children and feel the need to protect them from society's laws of attractiveness?  How do you encourage your children? 

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Comments (20)

  • Xx_IWannaWWIIRomance_xX@xanga

    Toddlers and Tiara's is not a healthy show. I just want to shake my head, whenever I see a comercial. What happened to kids being...well kids?!?!?!?!?!
  • MangoWOW@xanga

    I remember being in elementary school. The only thing that made you fashionable was whether or not you had a lisa frank book bag or folders. lol.
    We didn't care much about what we wore as long as we were able to run around freely in it (therefore dresses were almost immediately out).
    I see my cousins and I'm glad that they aren't turning into brat doll replicas or Hannah Montana princesses (Though the same can't be said for my niece). The only thing the oldest cares about is making sure she has her hello kitty hair clips and she's good to go. 

  • Random_Goldfish@xanga

    Toddlers and Tiara's IS a freaky show. I was mortified by it. I couldn't believe it. It's not the right message to send to kids. If it were me, I would have walked up there in my yellow and purple polka dot jumper (with red leggings <3) with twigs in my hair and dirt on my legs because honestly, how is that not the most beautiful thing about a child. ...Their innocence!?!?!


    How about instead of putting together some risky dance routine for a 3 year old, how about the kids like me that want to tell you about all the rocks in my desk and all the names I had given them in grade school. Or I could tell you about the faerie I saw outside my window and how cricket legs and violins. I'd love to hear kids about that more and less about matching their designer clothes.
  • PoetMcChick@xanga

    Man, I didn't even wear jeans when I was in elementary school. And no one cared.
    My little cousin's 10 and she walks around with all the HSM and Hannah Montana shirts, with her butt crack hanging out of her pants.
    @thinkin_up_dreams@xanga - I LOVED Lisa Frank!!!! But I still need my Hello Kitty hair clips before I go out!
  • black_lie@xanga

    how scary... i grew up a tomboy while my sister is one of the obsessive primpers. i don't know why we're so different =/
  • tsukiouji@xanga

    Growing up I never cared much about the way I looked. I have always liked to have a natural appereance (even if others think I look shitty. Screw them).
  • uru_n_imi@xanga

    I'm not a parent, so perhaps this is easier said than done, but these are my thoughts and observations when I look back at my own experience with feeling inadequate about my looks during my high school years.

    I didn't spend much time actively working on my appearance since my parents were strict (modest clothes, no makeup, etc.), but I did spend excessive time feeling depressed about it, and all of my parents' attempts to convince me to think otherwise did not help.

    Contrast that with a friend who preferred dressing modestly and wasn't obsessed with her physical appearance. She had a very active and fulfilling lifestyle: she participated in theater and band, went backpacking on weekends with her family, enjoyed making crafts, and loved reading.

    I'm not saying that you need to keep your daughters as busy as my friend was. Rather, I think it is important for girls to find an activity (that isn't related to physical appearance) to be passionate about, especially during her adolescent years. This is something that I wish my parents had done for me, because then I would have realized that there is more to life than just looking pretty. Also, engaging in an activity that I enjoy and possibly even excel in would have taught me that my sense of self-worth is not (and should not be) contingent on my physical appearance.
  • oompalompalover@xanga

    Well I dont think of it as wrong for a mother to tell fer she is beautaful (sorry about the spelling) I think thats just as important as how high she jumps or runs. . . My moomy tells me i'm pretty and it makes a day better!
  • spanz@xanga

    Wow. Hollywood has made us all believe that the only way to be or at least feel pretty is by being FAKE.
    True beauty is not orange skin, damaged hair because of all of the chemicals put in it, manicured nails, and name brand clothes.
    I wish people would get this image out of their head because quite honestly, NO ONE looks like that. No one is born with those things.

  • Erika_Steele@xanga

    I do think about protecting my son from things in the future, but I try not to let it worry me too much.  I remember things being stressful and confusing when i was growing up and my mom was always there with advice.  I am sure when your daughter needs it, you'll be there to ensure her that she is beautiful, but her looks aren't the only thing that matters.
  • princess1505angel@xanga

    I was always in hand-me down clothes, playing outside and complaining about taking a bath.  Lots of days I wore my Little House on the Prarie dress-up clothes out to the store, the playground, whatever.  I spent most of my time in books (we weren't allowed a TV) so I thought that everyone just dressed differently and cared about different things (little did I know we were all supposed to be clones).


    When I hit Jr. High (and started going to school) I was made fun of for "being sheltered" and therefore not knowing anything about being "cool."  But in reality, I had an idyllic childhood: never caring what other people though, being happy, learning diversity.  I plan to "shelter" my kids too.  No toddler beauty pagents for them!
  • zretrareo27@xanga

    This makes me fucking sick to the point where I feel that if I ever raise children I will have to move to a place that is not contaminated by the media. I am so fucking glad I don't have a television or cable.

    I suffered from anorexia and bulimia for years, and now that I have recovered, the thing that hurts me the most is the unprecedented amount of pressure that is put on women for their weight and their looks. When was the last time you saw a woman saying 'I'm great because I can 'insert ability here' -- You only see 'Look Good Today!'. I just want to go into a store and rip up all of the magazines that have a cover on them with a woman who is photoshopped [so, all of them].
  • Charity_the_So_Called_Artist@xanga

    This is why I want a son in the future. O.o lol
  • icapillas@xanga

    I hate to see children acting,singing and dancing like adults or people not their age group. They seem to lose that childhood innocence and it's a pity.
  • shuaDK@xanga

    i think the main part of the solution is to recognize beauty and value outside of the conforming pop culture.  maybe that means spending time outside, enjoying nature. maybe that means getting to know people who are poor or elderly or disabled or immigrants - anything to step outside the "normal" subculture of consumerism and the peer group. 
  • brownalpaca@xanga

    I remember distinctly walking through a toy store when i was pregnant with my daughter and hoping and praying that i wouldnt have one of "those" that wanted all the pink and fu-fu stuff.  I just cringed at the thought.  Luckily, i got a little me: she will not wear a dress, she plays in the dirt, she went to her first guitar lesson at age 7 with ripped jeans carrying her black guitar. 


    I never emphasize genderality (making up a word here perhaps),  the kids never watch a lot of disney nor a lot of other mainstream media, and we have open discussions on a lot of different topics - including one that she began: "Why do all the fairy pictures always look skinny?"


    I agree that it's important for young girls to be involved and engaged in activiites that make them feel like humans who are worth more than what they look like.  I'm extremely glad we homeschool and my kids arent pressured by what's "normal".
  • EccentricSiren@xanga

    I think there's a balance to be found. Telling girls that looks don't matter at all when everything around them contradicts that doesn't work. It just makes them feel guilty if they do care how they look. Or it becomes a taboo topic.
    But they definitely should be taught that looks are only a small part of life and that what really matters is who they are. 
  • lovelyingenue@xanga

    I'm having a girl and totally concerned about this!
  • NotUeberMommy
    You rock!!

    Great post! I only have a son, but I try to think about this, too. Not just with my son, but also with my niece, who is not "conventionally" pretty, but very cute and super smart. So I try to not only tell her that she's smart, but also that I love her just the way she is, that she IS pretty (not everyone has to look like an airbrushed model...), because she really is.


    But you're so right, the key is the example you teach. If you feel you can't be loved if you haven't had your boobs and/or nose done, if you don't have fake everything, then think about what message you're sending to your child...


    Huge props!

  • NotUeberMommy

    P.S. I think it was some model (can't remember her name) who likes to say to her children: "smart lasts longer than pretty!"

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