Thursday, 02 April 2009
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When the Perfect Family Isn't...
by Mama Pig 
Yesterday I went to a parent orientation for therapy. Before they schedule a child, they bring the parents in and do an overview of the services offered so that you have a real idea of what to expect when you begin this process. Josh will be getting the help he so desperately needs.
So, I am sitting in this room with about 10 other people. Most, like me, have come alone, but there are two couples there as well. I found myself studying the different mannerisms of each person. I was sitting there wondering what brought each person into this room with me and if it was something that they shared with others or if they hid the problems.
I lived in the same home from the time I was two until I turned fifteen. My best friend lived directly across the street. We were together all the time. When I looked at her family I always viewed them as the perfect family. Her mom was gorgeous and was a sahm. Her dad was a handsome man that worked for our local school district. They had four children; two handsome boys and two gorgeous girls. All the kids were advanced in school and the whole family just seemed too good to be true. I would learn my freshman year in high school that I was right. That family that I saw was just an illusion. Emily came over one day and told me her dad had moved out. The entire neighborhood was shocked. Her mom was the one that baked cookies every day for us to snack on after school. She was always dressed to the nines before her husband came home and a meal was always on the table. How in the world could this perfect family be getting a divorce?
Talking with Emily opened my eyes to the reality of their family dynamic. I spent many, many hours per day at her home and I never once heard her parents so much as raise a voice to one another. My house was quite a different story. My parents argued long and loud no matter whom was in the house. Their divorce not only wasn't a shock, it was a foregone conclusion. Em's parents were very different. They had the restraint necessary to keep the fighting behind closed doors. She told me tales that totally made my jaw drop. They had been unhappy for years and were just waiting until she was older to part ways.
It was a blow to me at that age to realize that things are not always what they seem, but as I have grown older, I understand this is just human nature. Matt and I have SERIOUS issue within our family, but if you happen to see us all out together; the first thought would most likely be "what a happy family". I would dare say that with the exception of my MIL (whom Matt invited into our personal business without my consent), very few family members have a clue what is occurring under our roof. If asked, they would most likely comment that we were one big happy blended family. If asked how they felt Joshua behaved; I can promise every single person would say that he is a quiet sweet child with no emotional issues at all. This is the persona we present in public.
As you all know, I am very open with my feelings and have no problem admitting when there is a problem. However, when it comes to letting it all hang out for his family; I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I think it is more a matter of self preservation with them. If I show my weakness, they just might use it to their advantage.
This is not to say that I am not one hundred percent me at all times. I absolutely am, often to my own detriment. My family however is not always the prefect little family we present when we are out in public.
So, did you ever know the "perfect family" only to realize that life wasn't so perfect inside their walls?
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About the Author
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- From: mamapig
- Name: mamapig
- About Me: Hello everyone. I am Mama Pig. I am a very busy mom of eight children. Five by birth and three my marriage. While it is a busy life, it is one I wouldn't change for the world. Our oldest is 18 and will be graduating in May. We are even in the boys/girls department with four each. Two just turned 14, two just turned 12, one will be 10 this year, and the babies are 4 and 2. There are no twins in the mix, just step siblings that happen to be close in age. You will read alot about Down syndrome when you read my blog. Our youngest daughter was born with Down syndrome as well as a congenital heart defect. These are two issues I am extremely passionate about. I just resumed classes at the local community college. My goal is to someday reach law school with the hopes of focusing on family law.
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Comments (9)
There is no such thing as a perfect family. If there are no perfect people, how can there be perfect families? Every family has disagreements.
When I was a kid, my best friend seemed to have the perfect family. Whereas I haven't heard anything proving that they aren't all happy butterflies in the wind, I definitely know that they're human, so they aren't perfect; therefore they aren't the perfect family.
I sound cynical as all get-out but I swear I'm not. o_o
Yeah, my in-laws are like that. But they're in complete denial about their dirt.
I have experienced this first-hand. My mother's best friend is about her age and has two children the same age as my sister and I. From the outside, the three of them seemed so happy and like a 21st century family. Mom listened to all the music the kids did, daughter played softball and basketball, son played baseball and football. Mom was the team mom for all basically. She went to every game, no matter what. When it came to school, she made sure she was involved.
Money got really tight for my mom, and we ended up having to move in with her best friend. What I experienced while living with her was pure hell. I have tried and for the most part succeeded in blocking most memories out. At home, not one thing could happen without being bitched at by her, her and her kids barely talked to each other, everything was her way or the highway (my mother had no say in anything). I slept on the floor for four months because there was no place for my bed. When I was getting really sick, I started sleeping on the couch in the living room. She could not have been a bigger bitch to me about me sleeping on her couch. I ended up having pneumonia and being in the hospital for three days. When I was released and sent "home", she still didn't stop bitching when i went back to sleeping on the floor.
Believe me when i say that that is just the tip of the iceberg.
Now, the "oh-so-perfect" family has a pregnant teenager, a rebelling teenager, and a mom that doesn't want to deal with either.
Ugh. Life is horrendous.
Yes. My childhood best friend's family. Her parents were SO nice, you wouldn't believe it. I thought they were saints and so did everyone else, so that's where all of the kids in our neighbor hung out, because everyones parents trusted them.
One day she told me that her dad was in the hospital, because the some bad men put him in a car with all the windows up in 100 degree weather to get information out of him. According to him, they fried his brain. I was 6, so I didn't realize that he was in a mental institution, and I didn't think it was weird that he believed that. He was an adult, so if he said it, it must be true.A few months after her dad got home we were watching John Trivolta on a daytime talk show, and all of the sudden her dad started yelling at me and telling me to leave. He said that he had heard me on their roof the night before, and that he didn't want spies in his house or around his daughter. She was never allowed to see me after that.Not until a few years ago did I find out that he was schizophrenic and was self medicating with heroin.
And everyone thought they were perfect.
I wish they existed but in reality there are no perfect families. I think the best ones I have seen are the ones who are able to overcome their imperfections with love and laughter.
The Amish (and some other cultures) will put an intentional error in the products of their crafts because they believe it is a sacrilege to try to be perfect. Perhaps that is how it should be with families and pretense.
Two points
> Re the comment that the Amish and some others deliberately put an 'error' in their products to avoid any pretense of perfection, any who do so are playing mind games with themselves, I guess. (Not that the term 'mind games' has any place in Amish culture!)
Is the 'error' a perfect one? Is it perfectly acceptable to consider an otherwise 'perfect' object imperfect because you've deliberately included in it a planned, probably well-executed, 'error'?
> I've often heard it said, and seen ample evidence, that all families are disfunctional in their own ways. Even maintaining lives within the family environment where "there's 'a place for everything and everything in its place" can be highly disfunctional -- or compulsively idiotic, at any rate.
My Aunt N is like that. Their dirty laundry stays tightly lidded...until you give her two older daughters Schnapps.
Woohoo dawgie! (That was a fun Christmas!)
I know families aren't perfect.. but I always think of my boyfriend's parents as being perfect. They are so in love after all these years, and seem to have a pretty active life in the bedroom too. This is so different than my own parents, that it really blew me away when I found out about these things.
I am yet to see of any imperfection, because my boyfriend doesn't really let me know much about their problems. He claims that it is their business, and between the both of them.
I am curious though, and I can't explain why. I guess a lot of it has to do with the South Asian culture we are both a part of. It doesn't seem like any of the older South Asian couples [who were born in raised there too] I know are still in love, let alone still having sex. It isn't even common to see PDA, whereas his parents are relatively affectionate in public too. I guess we are always intrigued by what we find different.