Monday, 30 March 2009
-
A Part of the Family Only When It Is Convenient
I am a young American woman, currently working as an au pair in France for a family near Paris.
If you aren't familiar, an au pair is:"An au pair is a foreign-national domestic assistant working for, and living as part of, a host family Typically, au pairs are young women who take on a share of the family's responsibility for child care, as well as some housework, and receive a small monetary allowance for personal use.
The title comes from the French term au pair, meaning "on a par" or "equal to", indicating that the relationship is intended to be one of equals: the au pair is intended to become a member of the family, albeit a temporary one, rather than a domestic servant. In the best circumstances, both parties benefit from learning about the other's culture."
I am really enjoying my time while here, but I am having a bit of trouble with the family. You see, I only feel like I am part of the family when it is benefitting them. Perhaps I have too high of standards for how a host family should treat their au pair, but I have friends who are au pairs as well, and tell me these situations aren't normal.
One specific example includes something that happened a few days ago.
The mother asked if I wanted to go to Disneyland with her and the kids on my day off. I agreed, thinking it would be kind of fun, and we could spend some quality "family" time together. She even mentioned how she was happy she was getting a discount to the park because paying for 5 people (her, the three children, and me) can get a bit pricey otherwise.However, my assumption of being considered a part of the family was premature. Upon arrivial, I realized that I would be the one to pay for my ticket. I was a bit put out because I am currently trying to save my money for travel and school next year. But oh well, I thought.
Anyway, the day was fine. The kids were being a bit difficult to control, and I ended up feeling like I was working instead of enjoying Disneyland. But oh well, right? It all comes with being a part of the family.
During lunch, I took the little girl to the toilettes, and then came back to realize they ordered, got their food, and sat down. Without me. I ended up standing in line (as it was a fast-food type of restaurant) and waiting for my food while they ate. I wouldn't have even known where they were sitting if I didn't run into the mom at the salad bar.
By the end of the day, I was tired and had a headache. I spent close to 40 euro (for the ticket and food) at Disneyland, when I could have stayed at home and saved that money. All I wanted to do once I arrived back to the house was take a nap.
But, oh. I forgot. I am a part of the family. So I was required to give the two little ones baths, while the mom helped the older boy with his homework. All on my day off.
I am trying not to let the situation bother me, but I can't help but think it was a bit inconsiderate, especially since I was led to believe that I would be treated to the day at Disneyland, and then found out I was to pay.
And I am all for acting like a part of the family, but I feel like I am only "family" when it's time to help out the mom with certain things: making dinner, helping with homework, putting the kids in the bath, putting them to bed, etc. etc. In the other aspects of "family", like vacations and dinners and whatever else, I am the one who is paying. In these situations, I am only the au pair. Why should they have to pay for me?
I don't really know what to do. I don't want to bring it up to the family if it will just create unnecessary drama, but I also don't want to be walked all over, either. I don't know how to put my foot down and say "no, it is technically my time off right now" when I see the kids need something or another done for them.
I have been here for six months so far, and have another four to go before I return to the States. What do you suggest I do? Should I talk to the family, or just drop it and accept my position?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: Defeaning
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 0 Views: 0 0 Comments: 0 0 View all posts by Defeaning
Comments (22)
They're being douchebags, and that isn't even common courtesy.
You should talk with the family. It sounds as though there is not a clear understanding of things and without that, they will continue to take advantage.
Good luck.
I have no idea of how I would react.
Sounds like they are taking advantage of your desire to be included in family things. You may need to step things back to a more professional footing. I think I would start out by always being "busy" outside the home on my days off even if I just caught a bus to the library or a coffee shop. If they ask you to attend a family thing let them know you can't afford it. If they want you to come they will then realize that they need to pay your way. Maybe by doing those little things they will remember that you are an employee and not a slave without you having to do a big confrontation thing.
You dont invite someone to come with you and then expect them to pay their own entrance. If that was the case she should have told you straight up in advance.
While I cant relate as being the Au Pair I can say that we (kinda) have one at my moms house and we treat her with the utmost respect and she really has become one of the family. We take her out on the boat, we invite her to concerts and I make sure that on mothers day (and other smaller holidays in which she might be forgotten) that we get her something too. She's really poor because all her money is sent straight to her kids in Honduras. So whenever we take a trip to visit our family we like to take her along (and we pay for her!!!) and we make sure to set aside a day so she can go visit her kids.
We also like to listen to her. When I found out that other women in her area make fun of her clothes (obviously she really cant afford the nicest things) I got so angry! I really wanted to go over there and tell those women something! But instead I understood that she actually felt embaressed and made sure to buy her giftcards to good clothing stores for christmas and her birthday.
However, I have heard the worst stories from her. She has other friends in the same business and some of their families set up the most ridiculous rules. Like the Au Pair cant sit in the same chair as the mother. They cant rest in the same rooms. They're only allowed to watch TV/eat during a certain time. I mean, seriously? What do they think, they die and go to a seperate room in heaven? Some people are ridiculous!
Hm, that does seem kinda rude.
I mean, I suppose maybe it depends on how close you get to the family --I'm guessing au pairs are kinda like nannies? Or perhaps you got stuck with a particularly rude family. Either way, good luck!
you need to talk to them.
I am wondering why this was not brought up at some kind of meeting before you agreed to take this position with the family? Maybe they have a different set of expectations then you do?
I have a good fried who has been an au pair for a long time, and she says European families have a hard time accepting someone new as part of the family. And that you should have worked out the "who pays for what outings" before you even agreed to go to the family.
You could always say a polite "no thank you" when they offer to take you places on your days off. After all, the only time you actually should go is when you are working for the family. That is why you have days off, for yourself.
I am sorry but you sound a little immature.
I would leave the house on my day off. If you're not around you can't be expected to help out. You are paid to care for their children so I would assume they have come to expect that and take advantage of it when you're around on your day off.
@echois23@xanga - My thoughts exactly!
Having 4 months left to go, I would proceed with caution...four months can be a very long time in an awkward situation and I don't know what their options are if they are easily "offended" - could you find yourself without a place to stay for the next four months? I agree that they're being rude; while they don't have the obligation to pay for you, they should have at least let you know up front, "Hey, we're going to Disney. If you would like to come with, we get a discounted rate and it would only cost you x-amount."
Well, I hate to say it but you are their employee, NOT a part of their family. A nanny isn't considered part of the family. It was rude to invite you and make you pay for your own ticket, and they may be acting rude or taking advantage, but you work for them. How are they supposed to treat you??
I agree that on your days off you should leave the house so you don't get suckered into working. And just as any other employee, you can set your guidelines too. If you're off, their mom is going to have to step up and be the mom, even if the kids need something. Put your foot down and use the word NO when you need to.
Since you only have 4 months to go, I personally wouldn't create drama about what already happened. Maybe just set up clear guidelines the next time they "invite" you somewhere esp. if it is technically your day off. Good luck!
Difficult...I don't know much about the culture there, so I don't know if they even realize how all of this would make you feel. Maybe they expteced you to know that you would pay for yourself. Maybe it never even crossed their minds that you would think that they would pay. As far as talking to them about things, would they consider you rude or ungrateful just for bringing it up to them? I've heard a lot of stories of "rudeness" in French conversation, but it may not seem that way to them. Is there some sort of agency "in charge" with which you can discuss your concerns before making a decision?
Good luck with all of this. You've made it 6 months; I bet you can make it the rest of the way! If I were you, I would politely decline any more possible expensive outings and just explain to them that you're trying to save your money.
Haha Au pair is just a exotic way to say maid, nanny, governess,etc... Smh.
The mother was wrong. She didn't explain that she wouldn't be paying for you or anything like that. She just wanted you to go and watch her kids. Then again you are the au pair.
I think you should bring it up and just tell her how you feel.
Why does a French family even need an au pair? I was under the understanding that their government took care of those things for them. When I studied in France my host family had a government subsidized "nanny" that did all the things an au pair would be expected to do. They made it sound like this was normal for all families in France.
Anyway it's rude that they invited you and then expected you to pay by American standards but you also need to realize that you're not in America and things work differently in France. For one thing, money is not something they talk about, it's frowned upon to even mention it. It seems after 6 months in that country the culture shock should have worn off and you should be adjusting to how things work instead of being a boorish American. You can try to talk to them about it but it's just going to make things awkward and 4 months is a lot of awkwardness. Just suck it up, be busy on your days off, and be the nanny because you're certainly not "family" to them.
I spent many years as a nanny and learned that different people have different views of family- especially the adult members. How to treat nannies and au pairs differ as well.
This is very sticky territory. I learned never to make the assumption that when I was off, but out with the family, I wouldn't be expected to help out or even be "on duty". Not only could the kids not make the distinction between on duty and off duty, but the parents often had a hard time, too.
Part of it is because the parents get to a point where they are used to you doing certain things. They get to be a little lost without the extra hands. Part of it is because some people expect "family" to want to help out or feel obligated to help out with the younger members.
As far as outings go, even if I go out with my family as an adult, even if they invited me, I am completely be aware that they may intend me to pay my own way. Its pretty safe for you to make to that assumption, now, too.
You could either say something to the family, which depending on the family may or may not go well OR you could just understand that for the next 4 months, you need to keep your days off yours and be unavailable to the family. That's perfectly within reason.
If the latter sounds like the better option, merely decline when they extend the invitation to you to do "family" activities, sighting that you are saving money now. They'll either have to understand or offer to pay your way. They know what you get paid, so declining because you are watching your euros shouldn't be an issue.
Whatever you do, use your manners! They'll get you a long way in this situation. If things get too sticky, I hope their is some sort of advisor from the company that assigned you could speak with to help you navigate the issue.
That was rather rude of them to sit down without you or their daughter. I don't know how things work in France, but if you invite someone out--whether it be friend or family--you should wait to order. I don't know if you should bring it up with them though, since you do have to live with them for another four months.Â
@echois23@xanga - i completely agree - that sounds like a perfect, subtle way to go about it while still hopefully getting it across that you dont want to be walked all over.
I'm not a nanny (anymore) but my friend is a live-in one. Similar to au pair. And she has similar troubles with the family. I don't have any advice for you but I know you're not alone!
Is there a head company you can talk to about this? That is incredibly rude to make you pay your own way on your day off. If they planned Disney on one of your work days, would you have to pay your own way then, too? If so, it's time to explain you just can't afford the trips! I'm sorry...
go to isawyournanny.blogspot.com and submit your story. You will get a lot of feedback there.
From your experiences and mistakes, you live and learn. Now you know what will happen and can explain to her the next time she asks if you want to go some place on your day off that you would love to, but you want to save money for something else. When it is your day off, take the day off and go some place to relax and get away. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and maybe she will find out that she needs you more than she knows and treat you better.
slap the fuck out of them