Tuesday, 17 March 2009
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My Child Support Nightmare!
So, the other day I was channel surfing and came across a Dr. Phil episode where men were complaining about how child support was negatively impacting their lives. I couldn't help but stop and think of my endless journey with the child support system. My story:
I got married way too early in life, at the age of 19, due to me getting pregnant and wanting to do what I thought to be the "right" thing at the time. We divorced some years later, and I became a single parent with a 3-year-old and 10-month old. I had the children. He was ordered to pay $550 (or something like that) in child support. I have never seen that amount. Our children are now 15 (almost 16) and 13. My ex-husband owes $28 thousand and some odd change in support arrears.
I'm not saying he NEVER paid, as I did receive an amount of $12.50 every two weeks from him for about a year. There is an active case against him. He was on the "most wanted" list for biggest offenders for not paying child support. He lost his license. He had his bank account seized, and the child support enforcement agency brought 32 counts of contempt against him. He was given a public defender and nothing happened. Our children know nothing about the support issue. They have continued a relationship with him. I have never interfered with them seeing him and have paid more of the visitation cost than he has in order to facilitate their relationship with him. I would never call him a "bad" father....only incredibly irresponsible in terms of supporting them.
I have supported our children. I put myself through school. I've worked and made sure their needs were met. I remarried and am now a mother to 5 children. Two years ago, we moved to a different state. I discussed this with my ex-husband. I took our common daughter with us, and he kept our son under the promise that he was able to provide for all of his needs without public assistance. I continued to send my son $100 a month for spending money, as I knew his father did not have a lot. I paid to visit him every 3 months and brought our daughter with us to see her father. I covered his school needs. My ex-husband did nothing to provide for our daughter that lived with me.
So, a year ago last December I was contacted by the child support agency in the area my ex-husband and son lived. He supposedly began collecting welfare shortly after my son came to live with him, and they were seeking support from me. I was a bit confused, as I thought that since I had our daughter, it would cancel out. Well, it would usually, but because he was receiving welfare, it did not matter. I understood this, as either way, my son needed to be financially care for. I contacted them and came to a settlement amount with them; however, I was irritated because he stated he could care for him but couldn't and owed me $28,000 and some change for 11 years of negligence. My son came to live with me one month later, as he needed to be provided for (and because I missed him terribly). His father continued to collect welfare for 5 months after my son left.
I found this out after receiving another notice that I had past due support from January to May that needed to be paid and still had an ongoing monthly amount to pay. Well, I was perplexed because my ex-husband was to go off of welfare when our son left his home. We even agreed that I would not ask support for a length of time, so he could "get on his feet".....and for the fact that I have given up on receiving help from him.
Anyway, I contacted the child support office. I was told to fax them school enrollment information for my son to prove I had him in my home, and they would credit the account and stop the order. Well, I thought this was all well and good until our bank account was seized last August for support I supposedly owed to his father and the county of San Diego. They didn't get all of the money they wanted because we have only a little in the bank, but it did cause 6 transactions to bounce and $300 in bank fees. I called them and said WAIT....I gave you proof that he lived with me, as you told me to. Yah....well I guess that rep. gave bad advice because they said they did have the proof, and were aware of the circumstances, but it didn't matter without a court order and were set to recoup the welfare he collected.
TO CLARIFY: They are aware that my son lived with me from January until the present. They are aware that his father has illegally stayed on welfare. They do not care. I was told that either way, they wanted the county repaid and that is all they care about. They know it is not my fraud. They do not care and stated the only way to straighten it out is to hire an attorney. I borrowed the money to go out to San Diego and handle the matter. I waited with my infant for the legal help for 5 hours and was told that I would need to pay a filing fee, get a court date, and return to court in about 3 months. Well, hell, that would end up costing us more than the amount their asking to get it cleared up. My current husband and I just decided to count our losses and pay it.
So, we have been making monthly payments to pay child support arrears for my son that lived with us and still does. We have little money, we make little enough to qualify for WIC and free lunches for the children at school....but we pay our support for my son who we support every day at home.
The "good" news: Our income tax return was garnished to pay the rest, so now they have the money my ex-husband illegally received back, and my ex-husband was kind enough to get off of welfare, get a job, and stop the support order. EVEN better: I am receiving a weekly payment via wage garnishment from him in the amount of $5.77 to pay off the $28,000 and some odd change he still owes in his own past due support! By the way, I am staying at home now because we have an infant. The income tax return they garnished was a tax refund from my current husbands wages. Yah, he isn't the biological father but still smiles after paying my ex-husbands fraud off.
AND...I will continue to support our children and facilitate their relationship with their father. I will be cordial. I will never speak an ill word about him, as they have a right to love him and see him as wonderful. Of course, the anger I feel eats me up inside at times!
Moral of the story: Women get screwed TOO!
Have you had any of these problems or knows anyone who has?
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About the Author
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- From: amysfantastic5
- Name: amysfantastic5
- About Me: I'm a very busy mother of 5 children ranging from 15 to 11 months old. I spend my free time doing housework, changing diapers, and chasing after a teenager. I was a working mom until the last one came, and my husband and I decided the daycare would cost more than what I could bring in, so I am doing the whole stay at home thing. I love having the time with my children but am also prone to becoming bored out of my mind with the day to day routine and lack of adult interaction!. I love children. I have my degree in child development and hope to eventually return to the work force, so I can continue my lifelong quest to better the lives of children by promoting the well-being and functioning of their parents. Yep....I am a social worker turned stay-at-home mom. I have been remarried to my husband for 3 years now. We have a wonderful blended family and many adventures. My husband is my hero. He came into our life and jumped right in with lots of zest and is my biggest advocate an
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Comments (31)
That really sucks. Too bad some people can't be responsible enough to take care of their children. You obviously did a great job and kudos to you for still letting your children see their father and not interfering with their relationship. That is probably the best gift you ever gave them.
I love both my parents and I live with my dad now but I KNOW he screwed over my mom. I don't know the details but I know he owed her around 12,000 bucks? And something happened and even though it was his fault (because HE was the one who was late) he waited until me and my sister were 18 to tell the courts "Oh wait! Look they're 18!!!" and they took off almost all the money from his debt and they canceled it down to only 280.
So my mom was screwed out of almost 12,000 dollars.
My dad never paid child support either. And he got it easy. The deal was that he only had to pay $330 a month for 3 kids, but when my brother and I turned 18, he still had to pay that much for my youngest sister. Now, he's complaining because the state is taking it out of his paychecks and none of us live at home anymore. He tries to accuse my mom of fraud for getting child support now.
When the court first ordered him to pay child support, he denied that my brother was his, but he said he still wanted visitation (riiiight). Then, he chose not to see us and said that if he didn't "get" to see us, then he shouldn't have to pay to support us.
He also pulled a lot of other crap. Pretty much, he made my mom's life a nightmare, and he got away with it.
wow I can't believe you just bore all those costs like that, you are awesome and your ex-husband doesn't deserve all that you've done for him.
You are just a big cry baby. LOLOL
For those that don't get that...I am totally KIDDING. I happen to know this amazing woman and her children and she rocks.
You already know how I feel about that scuz ex of yours so I will just send ya some sunny lovin from San Diego and say get your butt home already!!
I'm sorry that things turned out like that for you, but MAN, YOU ARE AWESOME!! You're amazing.
my sperm donor never payed child support, and he makes my brother believe that he is an angel and that he never did anything wrong, he only spends his money on him. i also don´t like my mom for various reasons, one of them is for her to continue mentioning him after he has left one too many times, the fucker has hurt me so much that the slightest mention or anything that reminds me of him makes me feel very ill.
I feel for you! Yes women get screwed too. I never got a dime from my ex yet he and his current wife fraudulently signed my name to a document in order to get money. I'm in the hole for the amount and if I want to get that money back I have to hire an attorney in another state, transport myself down there, pay all the fees and HOPE to recoup something out of it. Good luck!
~D~
Wow, that sounds seriously seriously wrong. The courts/govt admitted that all they cared about was getting their money back from your ex, but went to you for the money and your current husband? I don't get it! Sounds like at least a small claims court issue, that agency or your ex or both need to be sued!!!! Too bad it would probably end up costing more or just being a total waste of time :(
My dad owed so much for so long that even now, after my youngest sister and his youngest daughter is over 18, he is still paying. My mom, who worked so hard to be both parents throughout my childhood, just smiles and passes the blessing on to us as Christmas/Birthday/Any Holiday presents. In short, I agree with you, the system is faulty, but perhaps your greatest blessing is the gift of good parenting you chose to give your children. It makes a HUGE difference.
My husband and I have been through similar experiences with his ex who fraudulently collected government assistance, then we had our tax refunds garnished for it. She also illegally terminated his parental rights. It's very frustrating. Fortunately, after that last stupid move of hers, they couldn't keep coming after us to recoup their losses for being dumb enough to keep on believing her and paying out money to her. However, that will never even come close to making up for the damage she has done to my stepson and his relationship with his father. Kudos to you for keeping your kids' best interests at the top of your priority list. Every kid deserves to have a dad, even if he's not perfect.
It's bad on both ends. Mom's almost never get held to there end if the dad has total custody.
My boyfriends mother owes around 14k, and she payed a total of 300 dollars in the 2 years I've been dating him.They won't hold her accountable.I'm really sorry that your children's father is a trouble to you and likely to society.
Some men are seriously too pathetic!!
Well first it's very honorable that you don't speak bad about the their dad. He may deserve it from the money perspective but it won't do a bit of good. The children when they grow up will realize who was the better.
Till now just continue to be the good mom. There's a lot of things, in life that it's sometimes better to bite the bullet, and let if go for peace in the household.
As to child support, it's the least a person can do, for their children if they are the absent parent.
Take it to the newspapers! We got screwed on an other matter and took it to the newspapers and radio, and they were so embarrased, they gave us back what we had due to us. As well, contact the state rep, the gov. office, and the top head honco of the dept. Write everything down. It will only cost a stamp. Even if you don't get resolution, at least you may stir things up enough to prevent it from happening again to someone else. They only do so, because they can get away with it, because they know you won't take it to court, so you have to challenge them other ways.
You said your ex was a good father, despite everything. I so disagree. A good father would not have behaved that way. I'm not blaming you for what happened, at all, but I am curious why you would agree to have your son live with him. He wasn't supporting them to begin with, why would you think he would take care of your son properly? He didn't and he was a liar and a fraud on top of it.
My father never paid child support so I know this situation from a child's perspective. I also have an ex that left me with 4 children and a current husband much like your own, who has raised and supported my children as OUR children. Their father has paid support so I haven't gone through what you have, but emotionally he has awful to my children...I'm not sure which is worse. I have to say I was never as nice as you about how I spoke about their father. My intent was never to make them hate him (and they don't and still have a relationship with him), but I refused to lie about him and pretend that he was Mr. Wonderful. What I did tell them was that despite how he treated them (which was lousy) he loved them in the only way he knew how, the way he was taught, the only way he was capable of loving. They understand that and accept him and love him just as he is with no expectations now. I'm not sure why I wrote all this, except your story really touch a chord with me.
I think it's great you don't talk about him in a negative way around your children, that shows your true spirit. That sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry!
its so awful that you had to go through that.. But the fact that you say he is a good father despite the money thing really impresses me. Most women I know would take to ex-husband bashing, yet you seem to handle it with grace. Even in your post you did not speak ill of him outside the money issues.
As foster parents we don't speak ill of the bio-family at all.. Even if the children are not in the room. Simply because they have enough troubles they don't need to hear us trashing their parents.
As terrible as it was what you had to go through, your post really encouraged me.
Thanks!
My husband and I have never recieved anything but 80.00 from my sons Birth Mother in over 3 years. Weve asked her to pay child support (as she should be. we waived it at first to help her out but after so many years SOMETHING should have changed) but she says she "doesnt have the money" or says that SHE "needs" the money. Luckily, they have a mom and dad that support them and that make the nessessary sacrifices for them to make sure they get what they need. My husband and I do everything for them and support them financially 100% on our own. Even though she only gets them 4 days a month, for a while she was collecting food stamps for them which confused me but whatever. Expect what people have given in the past and we expect nothing more. There are people that dont care to see their kids so we count our blessings for our sons and thats all we can do.
It amazes me how people can be low lifes considering they made these children and if they think they can get out of supporting them because they come first, its rediculous. What happened to you is awful and sad. My husband had something kinda like that happen where he had to pay back money that he shouldnt have to the state but you know what, they dont really care where it comes from. Too many people use kids as an excuse and can screw our system and make it worse because they are morons.
Im sorry that happened and hopefully something can get done to right this wrong.
i hate the child support office so much, I really do. They harrass me, the one who has the children, who provides full support, monetary and phsyical care, WAY more than the fathers. Mind you, I have always worked, but I am still poor, so I recieve food stamps and insurance, so every year I have to go through the child support stuff, and every year they harass me about the wearabouts of my childrens' fathers and every year I fully cooperate. Every year there is some sort of problem and my food stamps get delayed or MY medical insurance gets cut off. One time they delayed my insurance and I had a huge tumor growing and i had to wait TWO months to get it removed because they couldn't find my daughter's father and I'd told them all I knew!! And the crazy thing was he was paying me private pay so they didn't even need to get him for support. Now I am getting nothing from my daughter's father, but I'd rather sit in silence and lie about it than go through them and suffer the harassment. The system is full of abuse and bad treatment for the wrong people..
OMG I can't believe, not only that a person would do something like that to you (your ex) but that the government would do that too! You are a stronger woman than most and I give you all the credit in the world for making the decisions you have.
We have been very fortunate with my husbands ex. Sometimes I get bitter paying the $1,000 a month when we have the kids 85% of the time but ultimately it's for the children and we do forgo a lot to ensure this money is paid. I am scared for that day the children decide to stay with us and we have to bring the courts in to change the support decision. We may just continue to pay her just to keep the courts away.
I am going to make a suggestion from experience.My ex was even a bigger louse and I tried to protect my kids from knowing how bad .I actually signed a paper so he could get a second on our home to pay off his IRS lean and get me some money too and keep the IRS from garnishing my wages. Bad idea he let the house go into foreclosure six months later ,because he was buying another property thru his sister.My youngest had asthma and I had no insurance for her, part of the support agreement was his carrying insurance on the kids. How did I find out ? She was admitted to the hospital and was in the ICU for a day .I ended up with the cost and the debt.In court he said he'd lost his job ,truth was he went on contract . So the same or better money was coming in.Middle daughter was skipping school so we went to court either she goes to school or you go to jail.Actually the judge was pretty cool when he was faced with the evidence that the husband had moved to different county and set her up as resident there and I was being served with papers to inform me of change of custody.He later moved her out of state and she never even finished Jr. high what less High school .And had a child at 14.Are you begining to get the idea.
After years of courts and legal expenses and medical expenses . He was finally orered to pay a whopping $5000 of back child support . the youngest by this time was 19 and felt to this day the money should have gone to her instead of paying off the hospitals and Drs.
What I did wrong was not opening up the check book not letting them see what was going on . You see he was giving the girls waht ever they asked for and I was struggling to provide the basics.
A younger woman friend of mine was in about your situation and she never said a thing against her ex she let the checkbook speak for itself. They had monthly budget meetings and the kids got a real respect for budgeting and just how much easier life would have been if the child suppirt was there. Mine on the other side think I want and they are in financial trouble all the time . I think that was a much better lesson than what my girls got.
The problem with the case is that there are too many cases that are similar, have the same issues, etc. $28,000 is not a lot of arrears these days... which is terribly sad... but its the nature of the beast.
You should have gone to court when custody changed and got all of that legally done. The courts dont care if its an "agreement"... and then they wouldn't have been able to hit you so hard with money owed to the state. Just being honest here. It stings sometimes. But whats done is done and you seem to be doing well.
Never the less... it is amazing and a beautiful trait that you have that you dont talk bad about the entire situation to your children.
@Cakeslegs@xanga - never never never do that. NEVER.