My soon to be 5 year old daughter is
very shy. At first, I was understanding and excused her shyness when people would speak to her. But I admit there are times when I get frustrated with her ignoring people, hiding, or crying at times around others.
"She's shy," I would reply to people when she ignored them and hid behind me. I only wanted them to know she was not being rude, or stuck up. But now I think I did the wrong thing: I gave her an excuse to ignore people.
Today, walking home from school, a classmate said, "Bella I like your shoes," and of course, my daughter said nothing. Only looked away quickly. Now, I understand why she may be nervous in front of strangers and adults, but her classmate that she plays with in Pre-K? Really?
I am not shy, nor is my husband so I don't know how she feels exactly. I also don't understand where she has gotten this from. Is it a result of my excusing it, and labeling her "shy"? She
has responded once with,
"But Mama, I'm shy."So I guess what I'm asking is, what should I do? I thought Pre-K would help her out, but the school year is half over and she is still as shy as day one.
What else can I do to understand her better, and is there anything that can help?
Comments (33)
why do you have to make excuses for her? Maybe she is not shy, maybe she is, like I was at that age, unsure of herself. She needs YOU MOMMY to boost her self esteem. Encourage her, but don't push her. Maybe she is afraid of saying the wrong thing or somehow disappointing you. You say you get frustrated with her, and I really do not think that helps her at all.
She could just be a very sensitive little girl. I was the same way at that age, and I am sure my mom wishes I would have stayed that way.
But if you are really worried about her social development why don't you get her involved in some children acting classes? Or find out from her teacher if she is shy in class too? Maybe she is not ready to be in school..
I was TERRIBLY shy when I was her age, and everyone told my mom to push me out "into the world". I was only 5 frikkin years old!!! Anyways, my mom did not listen to anyone but her heart, and let me stay with her to my heart's content. Now I am the most outgoing person in my family because I am confident in who I am. I remember vividly the ONE time my mom didn't let me stay with her, and "pushed me". I was completely traumatized. Just love on your kid, tell her you are right there, you're not going anywhere, and she can do it. Like the person before me said, encourage her. I would have been lost in this world had my mom done it differently.
i was really shy when i was young too. i think being around other children helped a lot. and not having mommy everywhere to protect me helped me learn to speak up for myself.
don't make excuses for her anymore. and keep up prek and make playdates with other kids! she'll grow out of itMaybe it would help to INSIST that she be polite to others? When someone pays her a complement, insist that she says thank you. She doesn't have to sing and dance, but being polite goes a long way. Then maybe that will take the pressure off of being more outgoing with other kids and people, and she'll see that speaking to other people does not have to be painful. But when she hides, don't make an excuse, tell her plainly "it is rude for you behave like that to people who are talking to you." It's not a bad thing to be shy, but not being polite to others is no good.
@QtheMusic@xanga - Agreed...parents hovering over their kids make them more insecure. It's amazing how few people actually understand that.
she's still young, she will grow out of it over time as she interacts more at school, etc..but you should help her in this by encouraging her to respond whenever someone, especially her peers, talk to her. even if she is shy or unsure of herself, she can still be polite. as IamKelleyK said: if someone compliments her, tell her to say "thank you." if an adult says "hello," make her say "hello" back. don't let her hide behind you and your "shy" label of her any longer. :)
i was shy too, but my grandparents (who raised me) believed firmly in politeness. if a relative said anything to me i had to greet them back, i had to say thank you to people, etc. i was still shy but at least i knew what was socially expected of me.
Wow, poor little thing. I bet it's hard for her being afraid and knowing that she is making mommy sad is probably not helping. She's only 4 years old after all. I would try to give her some more time to grow up a bit before I made a big deal out of it. Maybe you could try ignoring the shyness instead of calling attention to it. You don't need to tell us she is shy we can see that she is hiding behind you. Every time she looks someone in the eye or finds the courage to say thankyou out loud etc. make a huge deal out of it. Tell her how proud you are of her "bravery". I have a nephew who was painfully shy when he was smaller. I basically bribed and encouraged him into facing his fears. One time I gave him a quarter for every stranger he would walk up and say hello to in the mall. One Saturday I gave him $5 for every hour he would spend playing with the neighbors children. I told him that if he would join and participate in a speech & debate contest I would buy him a wii after the speech tournament was over. He did and he got his wii... along the way he also found his self-confidence and a lot of new friends. Now I fear I may have to pay him to be quiet.
there is always planning a "girl day" with your daughter and talking about everything in a nonintrusive way...this may help to get to the root of the matter. Build her up and let her know that she is amazing and you want to see her be able to show others. But one thing....when being spoken to she may be shy but she isn't disrespectful ask her how she would feel if she said something and no one responded. She would feel bad....so she needs to work on stepping out and being respectful to others as well. While she may be shy she still needs to step out...but only with encouragement.
She probably just doesn't know how she's supposed to respond. I have the same problem with my four year old, and now I'm tyring to tell him that he should say thank you when someone compliments him, and hi when someone greets him. I'm not forcing him to do it, just letting him know how, so that next time he'll be ready.
I would agree to stop labeling her as shy. I have heard that they can become what we label them as. So maybe you should start labeling her as "really outgoing" and see how it works!
5 is still young... but she should be growing out of it a little bit in school. Have you asked about her from her teacher? I wonder, if her buddy told her they liked her shoes and you were not there, wonder what she would have done? I would try and teach her that most people are very nice once you talk to them. They may look a little scary since she doesn't know them, but tell her that it's okay to be shy but that people are nice. Take her somewhere, like the grocery store, and talk to someone. Say, "How are you today?" Most anyone would reply with a "Good, how are you?" And spark a conversation a little. She'll see how easy it is and now not scary people really are.
Do you think she has some kind social anxiety disorder?
Are you loud, rude, or belittle her in public. Do you ridicule her and make her feel bad?
I don't know how to identify your problem but the above mentioned is what my Dad did to me and now he want admit that my being extremely timid is due to his bad upbringing. Bastard.
I used to be super shy too. Nothing helped except when I did it myself. I'd give her time.
Or abandon her in the middle of cities when she's young.
@WhenHateIsTheOnlyOption@xanga - I know how that goes. Just stay away from him. Don't fall into the anger pit. I couldn't get rid of mine, lying piece of shit. Stay away.
Is she like this all the time, around particular people or large groups of people?
Ask her how she feels around new people and if there is anything you can do ie let her talk, explain that other people get nervous as well when meeting new people, etc.
Give her some more time.
I was a really shy kid, but after pre-k and after joining different sports teams and leagues, I started to open myself up a bit more to others. I still have a little bit of shyness within me today, but not so much that I completely ignore people or be rude (well... that's only if they're annoying and really irritating xD)
As a historically shy child, I reallllllllly want to say a few things that I've garnered from my own experience. Maybe I'll make a list? haha
1) Insecurity: Shyness generally does result from insecurity. I also hid behind the "shy" label ever since I was small, and used it as an excuse for why I had problems making friends. I've since learned how to not be shy, and tackled the root of the problem: the insecurity. As some have said, be encouraging and affirm your daughter for who she is, not what she is.
2) Encouragement: My mom has always had problems giving positive reinforcement. So when the time came that I was older, and she felt it was time for me to talk to her like an adult, I didn't. She didn't know how to handle it at that point, and sent me to stay with some relatives for a while...when I was 12. What DID make me open up is a boss I had -- every day she would ask me a question, and if I answered "How are you?" with "fine" she wouldn't leave me alone until I gave her an honest answer. One of the most affirming people I know. Thanks to her, I don't call myself shy anymore.
3) Ignoring: I was never allowed to ignore adults, and ignoring kids definitely cuts out your pool of friends. It's not entirely bad to let people know that your daughter is shy, but I would highly suggest you encourage her to follow at least some standards of politeness, regardless of how scared she is. If you offer enough support for her, it may not be so fearful in the future to talk.
4) Labelling: It is entirely possible that you have given her a label to hide behind. Not because you said she was shy, but because you allowed that to be the only recourse when she ignored people. If she's shy, it's a fact, she might as well know -- but she also might as well know that some situations call for a response out of respect and politeness, and shyness isn't something we should hide behind. I would not recommend discussing "shyness" as something she's afflicted with. I would recommend discussing her nervousness, but that would fall under the encouragement and support that I've already mentioned, and that it's always good to give.
5) the Psychology of it all: Social anxiety is more often than not a learned trait. Regardless, it is always something that can be 'unlearned.' I finally saw a therapist at 22, who diagnosed me with a social anxiety disorder, among other things. It was something that I had struggled with for 10 years though! Because for all that time, I called myself withdrawn and didn't know that being open could be the good thing that I know it is now. Don't be overbearingly oppressive about it all, of course, but if you create standards as well as make it a point to openly communicate, be positively affirming, and encourage, there will be long-term affects you may not even be able to imagine (no cliche!).
Good luck -- and know that I say that from the other side of the "shy" label, so it's from the bottom of my heart, not to be too melodramatic or anything.
@cursedgypsy@xanga - Hah! ahaha. i think that idea has merit, too.
some kids are just shy and some kids something happened to make them that way that you may not know about. My guess is the second in this particular case. As for me, I was just a shy personality. My parents were always pushing, and it just ended with an angry me feeling like there were a lot of things not accepted by my own parents
I know you will have a lot of comments here, but I really hope you read mine, because I have personal experience that may help.
I myself was very shy in Pre-K, but to the point where I was deemed 'socially underdeveloped.' I was intelligent enough to skip a grade, but because my social skills were so poor, I was held back instead. My case is extreme, but it is highly likely that your daughter is having trouble learning to identify facial and auditory cues in social situations. That was my problem. Gentle reminders like, "What do you say?" after she gets a compliment, or "So-and-so is talking to you, did you hear them?" will help. Also, try asking her why she is shy. I know she's young, but most shy kids are very smart, and I'm sure she will want to try and explain her situation to the best of her ability.
Im surprised no one has said counselling. If you are really worried about her and you dont think you have the skills to help her, maybe seeking help is a good idea. Does her school have a counsellor or a special teacher who would be able to spend some time with her and help her move past her shyness?
Let her live. If you try to change her everytime she doesn't act the way you expected, she will grow up intensely miserable.
Although, do not let her run to you all the time.There is nothing wrong with her (or you!). My 5 year old daughter is also very shy and I was shy as a kid. Like you, I worried a lot about it too. I read a great book though called "The Shyness Breakthrough" by Bernardo Carducci. It has a lot of great tips. One tip is to stop labeling your child as shy (which I was always doing, like you said, to explain to people that she wasn't rude). After a while, this label basically just gives them a role to play and they fall into a pattern of not answering people. It's amazing, I stopped answering for my daughter and started just giving her a little extra time and after a while she would do it on her own. It does still take her a long time to answer a stranger's question and there are some awkward pauses, but she's making progress. And, I can see her gain confidence each time.
To make a long story short, don't beat yourself up over it. But if you read this book (my library had it) it gives you a lot of easy, constructive ways to help your child in social situations. Good luck!
I am not sure how to handle it, but I think the others have given excellent advice. I used to be shy when I was younger and like the others have said, it had a lot to do with insecurity and not wanting to disappoint others. I always wanted to be sure I was saying and doing the right thingand if I wasn't sure that I was, I would make a move to interact with others.
She will most likely outgrow her shyness.
I was (and still am to an extent) a shy kid. I think there is nothign wrong with encouraging her to respond to simple things- such as prompting her to say thank you when her classmate (or anyone) gives her a compliment (on her shoes, etc). I wouldn't try to force her to start conversations or anything, but small steps may do the trick as far as getting her to learn the art of small talk. I wouldn't be surprised if she continued to be shy, however, and that's okay, as long as she knows how to stand up for herself and avoid some of the negative traits associated with being shy or timid.
She is still young. When she feels more confident and more comfortable with others, she will be more open. Give her more positive feedback. Compliment her when she is doing something well. Thank her for answering someone's question. Tell her that she looks beautiful, pretty in pink, red or whatever color. Build her confidence and make her feel special. It makes a difference.