I love being part of a mixed family. I do! Especially when kids are involved. You never know from day to day what will come up. For a couple of years T's ex-wife had the nasty habit of saying whatever was on her in mind in front of the children. Good or bad. Since we believe she is bi-polar and has definite anger issues, the bad outweighed the good. Their oldest child is a bright, inquisitive, talented girl. Unfortunately she has some of her mother's more emotional traits.
We have been attempting to point out to the ex that it doesn't make sense for us NOT to have the kids during long school breaks. That way the ex can have time to herself to be a woman again and not have to be mom all the time. Since we have a 7 hour drive to visit with the kids, monthly visits have to suffice. Now after all this time, the ex agrees. She would love for us to take the kids (their son is their youngest) for a while during spring break. Unfortunately the daughter is revolting. She is absolutely NOT going to do it! Period!
Our reaction was "okay, maybe next time" and we'll take the son and have fun! The ex is fuming. She wants to make the daughter come so she can have her free time. We say no, don't do that. Then the girl will always associate spending time with us as a punishment. My thoughts are that now the woman is reaping what she sowed. If she hadn't been so negative to begin with and let the children develop feelings on their own, we wouldn't have this issue.
What is your opinion? Should divorced or separated parents talk about the other parent in front of the children? Should they make a child visit when they don't want to?
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Comments (19)
If both sets of parents can't keep their conversations civil, which mine never could, then the conversations shouldn't take place in front of the children.
my parents are divorced... my mom always guilted my sister and i into wanting to visit our dad, "oh you should feel sorry for him for making such a horrible life decision, you guys are the only good thing in his life left, you should rub your awesome life with me in his face by visiting him." i'm not sure how i feel about that.
No and no! Talking is asking for trouble. The other... if the child doesn't wish to see the other parent, why is it forced? Children are not pets.
Frickin' wa to the rejected parent. Let the child develop guilt if it's natural. Otherwise, no, no, no!
@SeeBeeWrite@xanga - I agree. Issues between parents should never take place in front of the children. My parents are divorced as well, and we were always made to feel as though we had to go. I don't want that for my children. Instead, I want it to be of their own free will, because they want to be with me.
@cursedgypsy@xanga - As the one who had the divorce thrust upon me all those years ago, and to have lost that everyday time with my babies, this is exceptionally difficult. Yes, it hurts that my daughter doesn't want to spend that time with me, but there is no way I would force it upon her for fear of causing further harm to her.
~T~
No to the first and yes to the second. I am a child of divorced parents. My mom did well not to talk about my father. He chose not to see us but I have no doubt that if he did see us and I refused my mother would have sent me anyway. I'm sorry that this is the way things are but I also don't think that every thing in life should bend towards the child. My guess is that she would end up enjoying herself and is probably acting like this for the attention.
No, parents should never talk about the other person in front of children. And I agree with your current decision... the girl should not be forced to go... THIS time. I think give her this one time, and then next time (I know... another spring break isn't coming up, but consider Memorial day weekend or something) bring her. The other kids will probably talk about how much fun they had anyway and then maybe she'll want to go anyway.
There should never be disrespectful talk about a child's parent in front of them. How tacky!!
@IamKelleyK@xanga - There is a great deal more to this story. I don't want to hash it out here, nor do I wish to promote our own site in any way, but perhaps reading our "The Trouble with Exes" blog, you will have a greater understanding of the difficulties we've been facing these last few years.
@happygirl7798@xanga - I don't think we should bend to the will of a child either. But, in forcing them to do what we feel might be best, are we doing them more harm than good? I don't ever want her to associate spending time with me in my home as a negative thing. I don't want resentment to grow from that. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this situation.
~T~
I am the child of divorced parents, I have no memory of Mom and Asshole ever being married. My mom always said things about him, and my dad said things about her. I haven't seen my dad since I was thirteen, so I don't hear anything about him.
But out of respect for the children I say nothing should be said about the other, because it could influence the child.
First question, no absolutely not. My parents never talked bad about the other in front of us. My step mother did once and my father was all over her about it.
Second Question, yes! Me and my 14 year old sister were always made to go every other weekend. However my youngest sister (different father) doesn't have to go if she throws a big enough fit. And that's just a crock of s**t. My two year old gives me less of a fit when it's time for her to spend the weekend with her father. It gives them a set routine plus gives the other parent time with the child and a chance to somewhat fufill his responsibility as the father
As a child from a divorced family, do not talk about the other parent unless the child brings it up. Period.
my mom is proud of the fact that she let me make my own opinion about my father and not because of her speaking badly about him to me.
maybe when you go pick up your son, you can take him and your daughter out to lunch/dinner first. she might warm up to the idea and change her mind?
Going through divorce right now. They're still int he house together, different rooms, trying to get
things to just go in one way already... but it's fucking ridiculous. All they ever do is talk about each other. When I tell them not to, they start basically -crying- at me that they don't have any friends and no one else to talk to.
Mom has made me her fucking messenger and I told her I don't want to be. Dad ends up crying in front of me.
Is it rude that I don't want to hear this shit?
I want to know what happened and what's going on because the story (from both sides) is pretty shady. So I end up eavesdropping and then when I go out with either of them they always deem it "have-a-long-talk"... every time.
Everytime I do something it's: "You're just saying that because HE told you to!" "You're acting this way because you've been around HER too much." "You're against me. You hate me."
As the oldest, I took it upon myself to keep my siblings away from this as much as possible.
All I'm doing, I've noticed, is setting myself up for combustion in the near future.
But I can't stop.
I try to make them hang out with both of my parents and I try to make things subtle so that they don't hate either of them... and we're all pretty sympathetic, so even if we didn't want to see a particular parent... we'd probably do it, anyway, just because they're our eldern.
The simple answer being "no and no". In the real world, some people just don't have the slightest shred of couth and can't (or won't) control themselves. Others just have a hard time with figuring out where the line is on "just being honest" to "just being a jerk". And some people (like V, from 'The Trouble with Exes') are just out and out @$$hats. Unfortunately, they're everywhere you go. Fortunately, it does leave you with the perfect opportunities to teach your children how to deal with difficult people.
I wouldn't force the daughter to come either. Like you said, take the son, let him have fun and go back to tell his sister all about the wonderful time and maybe she'll decide to come with next time. But if mother of the year doesn't leave her a choice, maybe giving the daughter some choices about what you guys do with that time together would help smooth things a little?
Sometimes it just isn't as simple as a "yes" or "no" answer.
If you don't speak negatively of your ex in the first place there should be very few reasons kids would refuse to visit. On the other hand, my mom never said a bad word about my father and I'm still not his biggest fan, although that's got more to do with him moving across the country than anything else.
Unless there are serious underlying issues (allegations of abuse, etc...) it's probably not going to hurt anything to make the child go, especially if there's a custody agreement involved. My mom enforced the 30-day required visits with my dad and eventually I grew to understand (but not condone) his reasons for leaving.
As a child of divorced parents, I wish now that my dad had taken me on all the weekends he was supposed to have me when he still lived here. I feel like he missed out on huge parts of my life. Perhaps your step-daughter needs some time with her dad that's just focused on them, not the other children or his "new" family. For a long time, the biggest reason I didn't want to go to my dad's is because I didn't like his wife and her sons. It sounds harsh, but it can be hard for a kid to accept a new family.
And perhaps this is me reading to much into the title, but you shouldn't "handle" a child of divorced parents. You should love them, or try to empathize with them, "handling" just sounds cold and uncaring.
ask the daughter why she doesn't want to come??????
could have nothing to do with the mom, or everything, but ocmmunication is the key to any relationship.
btw- saying someone doesn't allow a child to have their own emotion is kinda....how can i say..... wrong. no one can control a child's emotions.
do u have your own kids???
ps- being that she kept you from them before, she probably did say why, to the child. and that is very wrong also. but now you have to move forward and not look back. deal with what's in front of you and don't try to point fingers.
I don't think there is ever a good time and place that one parent should talk negatively about the other parent. We have blended well as a family and agree everything is for the kids not the parents. Whatever irritants we have with eachother we talk to eachother about it when the kids are not around. When the kids are young they should go and spend time with each family, if they're older though it's a bit different. We are fortunate to live within a couple miles of eachother so if they want to come over they can and when they want to go we say okay. We don't make it mandatory that they come here unless the other fam has plans in place. It works out good here but at the same time you have to have multiple willing parental parts involved to make it work
im not to sure.. and my parents are divorced.
it was law that i had to visit my dad everyother weekend
now that i moved out of the same state i have to see him twice a year..
and im not trying to make this about me, but the only reason my dad tells me to come so long in the summer, is so he can charge my mom for child support during the time im there.
but children of divorced parents are hard, most will never open up fully to another person, nor trust as easily.
maybe its just trust?