Saturday, 07 March 2009
I had a dream last night with my Papa in it. Do you ever realize you're dreaming and try real hard to stay there so you can soak your dream in? He was at my Dad's house sitting in a recliner. My little sister was sitting in his lap and he told me to come climb on the other knee.
Needless to say I'm thinking of him today and thought since I've made many new friends since some of my first posts on Xanga that I would share a post I wrote about my Papa back in November.
Here it is: Despite the Cancer, He Danced With Me
It was April 2002. My papa (grandpa) told me in a Tractor and Supply parking lot. "I have bone cancer" he said. I really didn't know how to take it. He had been complaining of aches and pains for some time now and it was hard to believe this could be anything serious. After all, he was my papa and nothing was ever going to happen to him.
As time went on his words were evident. He was quickly beginning to lose a battle with bone cancer. He'd still laugh and joke and do all the things he'd always done...but when I was with him the fear of losing him was always on my mind.
As my wedding day was approaching, September 2002, I told my Papa I really wanted him to walk me down the aisle. I was scared he wouldn't be able to, but he told me he would do it, not to worry, it would all be ok. My dad wasn't coming to my wedding due to the fact we got in a fight over me not wanting his wife there, due to the destruction of his and my mom's marriage. My mom was not prepared to handle something like that. He told me if she couldn't come, he wouldn't come. It broke my heart and I wondered, how could papa walk me down the aisle alone. Papa still said he'd do it, not to worry. He did it. On September 21st, with a little help from another close relative, he wrapped his arm in mine and with a cane in the other hand walked me down the aisle, proud as a papa could be.
At the reception we were all smiles. Papa was so proud, I could see it in his eyes. I was so happy he was there for this big day in my life. My husband and I danced song after song. I didn't have my dad there to dance with me and I felt heartbroken over it. I still had fun, but the moment that stands out was when my Papa stood up, walked over to me, took my hands into his and asked to dance. My friends were crying and I was filled with joy.
Later that day my twin sister was proposed to on the dance floor. My papa looked at his wife and said with tears flowing down his cheek "I've seen everything I've wanted to see." He was happy and felt complete.
Eight months later my papa fought the last few weeks of his life. I remember feeling each day was going to be his last and felt God preparing me for the good bye. I remember the day he past away. I left work early after the news that he was doing bad. I was on the interstate towards his house. I thought about how people say God will never let you go through something you can't handle. I knew it was time though, I knew papa was ready to see his mom and brothers in heaven. I looked in the rear view mirror and said to myself outloud "it's time, you can do this, you have to let him go".
I ran into his house after repeating calls from my little sister telling me to hurry, there wasn't much time. Papa was laying in his bed with family around him. My little sister knew I wanted to hold his hand. She let go and said "grab his hand". I grabbed it and at that moment he let go of his last breath his body had in him. I felt like he waited on me. I feel to this day he waited on me.
Although I'm sad he's gone I enjoyed the dance. I can't wait to see him again and ask for another dance.
Missing my Papa
Do you have others in your life besides your mother whom you are greatly thankful for?