Wednesday, 25 February 2009
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My In-Laws Disapprove of Working Mothers
My husband's parents are kind, loving, gentle, and soft-spoken. But don't let any of that fool you. They have plans. Ideas. And in a gentle, soft-spoken, kind way, they will push themselves on you. The epitome of passive-aggresive. A maddening combination of sweetness and wait, are you... stabbing me in the back right now?
In addition to that, these ideas and plans are all rooted in a family model that comes from, I don't know, the 1950's. Well and good for those who choose it. I, however, have never claimed to desire anything from that time period.
I make no excuses for the woman I am. I am growing and learning every day and I would be the first to tell you I don't have all my stuff together. However, I don't dust. Notice I did not say "I don't like to dust". I don't like to do laundry, but I do that anyway. Dusting, not so much. I don't sew. That irks them to no end. And (ready for the gasp?) I am building a career.
How dare I? How dare I go back to school after having three children and spending 7 years at home finding small home-based businesses to help contribute to the household income? How dare I spend time and money educating myself when my only calling is to care for the home and children? (they said this to me actually) And how dare I apply for jobs now that I am finishing school? Unless...
And here is where their "sharing" ideas and thoughts crossed the line for the final time...
Unless... I am planning to abandon my family and become independent. Why else would I need a job? And that is exactly what they said... to my HUSBAND. Talking to him, behind my back, telling him to watch out because maybe I was planning to leave him. After all, I was (gasp!) getting a JOB.
Of the 4 other siblings, all married with multiple children, NONE of the women work. That is, outside the home, because I do realize that taking care of a home is plenty of work. I have nothing against people who choose that either - so don't plow me with comments about housewife-ism. I chose it for many years. I turned in my full passport and tucked away my suitcases and life of travel and chose to build a home and have children. And I wouldn't go back and change that. Ever. But life moves on, and for me, this is a new chapter. A new choice. That many people have to make every day - to be a working mother. What is so evil about that?
It must be that I am planning an escape... entering the working world couldn't possibly have anything to do with, I don't know... contributing to the family income? Having something of my own that I have accomplished? Being talented at something for my own sake? Any or all of these things and more?
Working mothers are still mothers. Where are these people living who think otherwise? And what decade are they hoping to jump back to? Whatever those "golden days" held is gone now. Even if we were to go back to the way things were, we would never recapture whatever those days held. Because time brings change. Period. That is absolute. And change brings choice.
Respect mine.
Are you a working mother? Is your husband and family supportive of your decision to work?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaseahorse
- Name: mamaseahorse
- About Me: Hi, I'm Mama Seahorse! I have three boys - rowdy crazy lovely funny boys, ages 8, 6, and 3. They will go by the names (Big Brother, Middle Man, and Little Man, respectively). I have a hubby (who goes by J) of 11 years. We live and love in the suburbs of Chicago. I think that there is humor in the little things that happen when you least expect them... and I really do know that kids say the darndest things. We try to live healthy but every family hits McD's every now and then, I think. We run our lives around my work schedule (massage therapist), J's part-time work, and the kids activities, which include modeling and acting. I also am a firm believer in making time for my girlfriends. So I like to go out in what I call my Im-not-a-mom heels which is any pair of heels I could not possibly run after a toddler in, and the BBP (Best Butt Pants) which make my butt look amay-z-zing. We moms have to do that otherwise we might forget about our awesomeness, right?
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Comments (29)
My in-laws (particularly my father-in-law) would be ecstatic if I got a full-time job! Mostly because we are right now a family of four surviving on a one-teacher salary, which is very hard. He is a worrier and is constantly concerned about our finances, regardless of the fact that we've told him I'm looking for a job but in the meantime we are FINE!
I told my husband that it's really kind of sad because the way the economy is these days, unless hubby has a REALLY good paying job, it's hard to survive as a one-income family. Even if we all wanted to go back to the 1950s mom-at-home-dad-at-work way of doing things, it really just wouldn't be possible.
I say good for you going to school and looking for a job - I think that while being a mom is fabulous, we are not defined by our children. There is nothing wrong with wanting your own career!
I'm a working mom and my husband absolutely supports me in this. That support is extremely validating and makes me love him all the more.
This post was wonderfully well-written. Sometimes I feel like mom-forums are based more heavily from the perspective and preferance of SAHMs and while that in no way is a bad thing, there really is an entire other force of moms out there.
I have no desire to participate in mom-wars. You know, the kind that pits stay at home moms against professional moms. I am firmly of the opinion that women choose to do what they do because they feel that their choice is what fits best for their family. With that said, it is so frustrating that there are still those out there who insist on giving working moms grief for being "absent from the home". Why do people do that? What does it accomplish other than aiding to further cement the rift that exists between those who reside in opposite camps? Whatever happened to moms being in support of other moms based solely on the fact that what we have in common is raising kids to the best of our ability?
I didn't answer the QOTD from a few days ago (the who raises your children/takes care of your children during the day one) because for a minute, the overwhelming response from SAHMs saying things like "God didn't give me my kids so someone else could raise them" were impossibly infuriating. I AM raising my child. My husband and I are "present" parents. Our son knows we love him and we are unconditionally available to him. My husband is proud of me and the work I do and I am proud of what we accomplish together.
Really, shouldn't the mom-wars just be put to rest?
I think being a SAHM is a privilege, not a commandment by any means. A lot of families benefit more from mom working. Some moms can contribute much more when they are fulfilled and bringing income into the family. Personally, I would love to stay at home full time, but that is not an option for me yet. I hope someday we'll be able to afford it!
"I think being a SAHM is a privilege, not a commandment by any means."
I thank God every day that I am able to stay at home with my baby (soon to be babies!), but I know it isn't for everyone. My husband and I do without a lot so that I can afford to stay home. No cable, cheap cell phones, a strict budget, things like that. I don't work from home either, mainly because I know things would get neglected if I did. It's all about priorities...if you can successfully manage your home and raise your children while working, more power to you! A few women can't though and that's where I think it gets selfish...don't have kids if you aren't willing to put time into raising them yourself.
Are we related?!
Do what is best for you and your family, that is your first priority. NOT you inlaws. If a career is important to you, then by golly make it happen!! Forget about what they say about it. I like how you worded it - "change brings choice." I choose to stay home while my daughter is a baby and my husband respects that. When she gets older, I'll put my degree to work, and he'll respect that as well. Don't worry about your inlaws. It's your choice.
@Grace - I totally agree that mom wars need to stop. I'm a SAHM, but I would never consider myself "better" than a working mom. We all have to do what we have to do to raise our children. I don't like when SAHM's act lofty about being SAHMs and I don't like when working moms do the same.
I really don't understand people who believe the mother shouldn't get a job. I mean, if the child is only six weeks old, no, I don't think the mother should be at work - the baby needs her during that time in my opinion - but if they're at a certain age, it won't hurt them for mommy to go to work.
When I was a kid, my parents had their jobs to where one of them would be home at all times for me. My mom was home during the day and worked at night, my dad worked during the day and was off at night. Then when my mom got home around midnight, the two of them would hang out because I'd be asleep and in bed already. Before she got home, sometimes my dad would take a nap and such so they COULD hang out.
Plus, what if the mother gets a job between the hours of 8am and 3pm? If the kid is in elementary school, no harm is really being done. I don't think a woman should be confined to the house just because they have children, I think that's kind of like saying, "Hey! Lose your identity! Your a mom now, why do you need that?"
Just because a woman wants to get a job to help support the family doesn't mean she's a bad mom, or a neglectful mom. What if the father is laid off work and can't find another job? Is the woman expected to stay home then? Of course not. It's the twenty first-century, therefore things should be split at least close to equally.
Good for you for getting an education and going for a job!
I find this mentality very interesting. I am not a mom yet, however I do plan on finishing my education and having a stable job before having a family and if that cuts into my in-law's picture of a family that I refuse to leave my job to stay at home and take care of my children, then so be it.
Fact is, most of America sends their children to daycare (which I would love to not have to do but sadly I would). And if your in-law's think that you are going to leave your husband because you can provide for yourself, that's ridiculous. If that's the case, then my mother would have done that years ago because she is the prime income for my family. Granted, my father works, but she makes almost twice as much as he does (which still isn't a lot once expenses kick in). And that my friend, is America TODAY. In case they have yet to notice, the 1950's are almost 60 years ago, that mentality is dying and will most likely be dead once the generation dies off (for the most part).
I say bravo to you for choosing a career. It's for the well-being of your family and for the well-being of yourself. And if that's not enough, it'll be for the well-being of your future to keep your mind active.
I am not a working mom at the moment, but I think that the Navy makes that semi-impossible (depending on the kind of work I would like to do, availability of childcare, etc). I think your post was excellent, and I absolutely applaud your decision to go back to work.
I think everyone knows their own situation, and what is best for themselves. The children aren't neglected, and are cared for and loved, whatever a mother chooses is her choice. There are moms who are home, and don't care as much for their children, as some who are working....
More important than what your inlaws think is what your husband thinks...I hope he's supportive of you over his parents! Good luck!
I have a professional degree and the husband has been more than supportive....... I work part time more by choice at the moment because both kids are in school. I like this arangement. Not once have my inlaws tried to dictate how I run our lives. Imust be in the minority.
i work full time and put my daughter in daycare since she was 18mths and both my in laws and husband approves. we are in the millenium and women can build career.
I have never understood why just because I was born female that I am the only one who can stay home with the kids. No one ever makes men feel guilty for working and they are the other half that created the child and should have equal responsibility for making sure they are there to raise the child. I am a working mom and I love it. I have the best of both worlds. I have no idea if my inlaws like it or not. They have enough sense not to share there opinion with me. They are pretty good about not meddling in our life. I know my sister who is a SAHM doesn't understand why I work but then I don't understand why she doesn't when they struggle a lot financially. That being said it is there choice and not mine. I don't like the mom wars but I am never really shocked by it.
I have been both, first a stay at home mom, then working out side of the home, and then staying home again. I love staying home and my husband is very supportive. He, I believe prefers me staying home, but I also know that he would support me if I chose to go back to work. It would not matter to me what anyone else thought, including my in laws even though I love them very much.
You can't please everyone all of the time. Sometimes there will be disagreements even between you and your husband. Just take it as that. So, you disagree. Move on. What is right for one person is not always right for another. If your husband supports you on this, that is what is important. As long as your children understand and are taken care of, it's great that you are doing what you feel you need and the family needs. Weigh the pros and cons and have open communication with your husband and even your in-laws. Be gentle, they are concerned for their grandchildren, but they really do want the best for all of you. You could maybe get them on your side and ask them to help out?
@kim@xanga - I just had to tell you that I love your stick-woman avatar picture!
I was a SAHM for many years, okay like 6 and I missed my life outside the endless joys of dirty clothes and children. I was in the navy and had a real job for four years, my husband was is still active duty. I love this country and LOVED my job I rebuilt missles and was good at it. I love my family and love being the one to teach my children all they need toget ahead int he world but I was starting to resent the choice my hsband and I made for him to stay in and me to stay home with the kiddos. I was starting to really be angry about him being able to escape the everyday, again I DO love my life but there was something missing and I found that the missing something was my sense of self my world where it was just me doing somehting for me, so when the chance came about I took it I now go to school full time (on-line) and work a few hours a week at best buy not enough to make a big difference in the income but enough to keep my sanity and my sense of self like I was more than a maid and cook and car pool driver, I will always be a mom and that thrills me but a few hours a week to do something for myself is not a sin, if anything is helps out family life the resentment has faded over time and we are good. I would still love to be serving my country the way I always thought I would, I wish I could go overseas and do my part, help out my brothers and sister in arms but I knwo know that I serve my country by watching my husband leave time after time and dealing with it the bes tI can, tkaing care of EVERYTHING (easier said than doen when you have 5 kids and he leaves for 2 years!) but I have made peace with everything and while I am good with working not all my inlaws share my desire at lesat they make it seem like they don't they never really say anythign to me but they make comments and they are annoying but I ignore them I see them very little so they can have their opinion and I ignore them as long as we (my hubby and I) do what is right for us then we are good simple as that!
ah, in-laws....i feel for you. :)
i think grandparents, by and large, need to back off when it comes to their children raising children. i am SO glad my husband has a job (he's in the navy) where i can be a full-time sahm, because that's what we've chosen to do in our family and i couldn't be happier with it. but, guess what? someday i am planning on going back to school and building a teaching/writing/editing career. because i'm not just a mom- i'm a person. and people have to continue learning and growing or else their lives become stagnant and boring.
i still think (not in the least trying to be argumentative here, just presenting an opinion) that it's best for children (particularly young children) to be raised full time at home with a parent, but i also think that having a job doesn't qualify you for the "worst parent ever" award. i think, in the end, that as long as you are making sure your children are emotionally and financially provided for and you and your husband are in agreement over the current arrangement, everyone else can get over it. your in-laws raised their children already- these are yours.
:)
@Morningstarrising@xanga - hello, fellow navy wife!! :)
@Gunnermom@xanga - oh, i didn't see that you were also a fellow navy wife when i made my last comment... hello to you as well!! :)
In-law situations can be tricky. It's so hard when you have to mesh 2 different backgrounds into 1 family. But, everyone needs to try to at least somewhat get along. It's fine to voice opinions, but it's not okay to keep voicing those opinions over and over again. If you want to go back to work - then do it!
BTW - I love the comment about dusting. I can't remember the last time I dusted! :)
I am now a SAHM but I did work for a few month after my son was born... and it wasn't my family that was against it (although they were very happy for me when I quit my job). It was my boss. Try working for someone who firmly believes that you should be home...not there. I really felt like they were trying to get me to quit for a long time. Finally, they won.
Right now I am a SAHM, but I was an Art Teacher pre children and if my kids attend school (outside of the home) i'll go back to teaching for MANY reasons....I think the kids, husband and home should be your first priority always....but that doesn't mean one can't work as well. And there are many things that working outside the home contribute to the entire household! Financially as well as emotionally when a Mom IS using her talents.
@Grace - I HATE all the moms who criticize the choices other moms make - if we are doing what is best for our children, can't we just support eachother? And not just on the SAHM/Working mom debate either - I get really really sick of it on the breast/bottle issue, too. None of our decisions are better than another mom's just because they are different! Why can't people get that???
My in laws don't get it either. I work in a hospital and my MIL doesn't quite get why I had to work every other Sunday for nearly 25 years. Um, because they don't send all the patients home for the weekend?
However, my in laws are much older than my parents were, my MIL is in her 90's, so I try to overlook it. I did just fine working outside the home and then I had my first child. I so wanted to stay home with him, but we weren't in a place for me to do so, so I went back to work part time. That worked really well, actually. But we had money problems (my DH was selling real estate at the time) and had to borrow some money from the in laws. They gave it to us, but wanted to know, for the first time, why I couldn't work full time. I realized then that they had their son's best interests at heart (and not mine). They didn't want him to be so stressed. And it would've made a lot more sense for us for me to work full time and him to stay home.
But it wasn't the right option for us. DH needed to work. I needed to work. We made the decision that worked out best for the family. Working part time (4 days a week) was right for us for me, and DH worked at different jobs until he found his career.
We don't have a lot of luxuries, but we couldn't survive without two incomes.
I admire those who decide to stay home. I admire those who work outside the home. I think both are difficult choices. And may I say, we all rock those choices.