So many times people tend to think that they can say whatever they want to when it comes to adoption.
People that are normally very kind, considerate, and courteous in their day-to-day talk seem to forget what to say when they are with adoptive parents. Some people tend to think that adoptees are second-class children or that they don't understand what is said about them.
Here are some things that have been said that either hurt or offended adoptive parents:
"Where are their REAL parents?"
My husband and I are the real parents of this child or children. We can't be any more real than what we are! If you are talking about the birth parents then that is something most adoptive parents don't know and may not want to know.
"So, where is the mom (or dad) of this little one?"
As above, most adoptive parents may not know or even want to know where they are. Some do and have no problem in letting others know. Please be respectful of their privacy and whether they want to let you know what is going on with the adoption.
"Aren't they so lucky to have you for their parents?"
Are they really? A lot of adoptive families feel very blessed to have the children they have. Each child is a special blessing whether they are natural born or adopted. Please don't make the child feel as if they are second-class children in this way. This can also make the adoptive parent resentful because they know the child has been hurt.
These are only 3 that I have heard. Are there any that you may have heard as an adoptive parent or adopted child that may have hurt or offended you?
So many times people tend to think that they can say whatever they want to when it comes to adoption.
Comments (22)
No, what I heard was more along the lines of, "No, you're not adopted and neither are any of your brothers and sisters. Now go outside and play and try to get along with each other!"
I don't think the last one you mentioned is a mean thing to say. The person is saying you're doing a good job.
I haven't heard any remarks about adoptive or too adoptive kids.
I'm not adopted but because my mom is very light & I have a tan complexion, many people have asked if I were adopted of if she were my stepmother. Some people dont mean to be offense but they way they say things can come off that way.
I know people who were adopted or have adopted siblings & they get along like any other family. Blood doesnt make a family, I wish people would get that. Old as I am, I dont get the stigma with adoption!! Ignorant people assume someone's birth parents didnt want them & that's not the case. There's a number of factors surrounding someone's adoption & people should take care to not offend someone with simple minded inquiries.
I don't think anyone intends to be hurtful...sometimes curiousity over-rides our normal PC-politeness.
well I know I can add to this one.. being adopted myself and hopefully adopting our foster son..
I get "so, whats wrong with him?" ... "so why couldn't you get knocked up yourself?" (exact words, sorry to say), "so where is your real family?" (asked to me when I was about 13).. "what makes you better for him then his real mom?"..... "couldn't his real family handle him?" ... "i can tell you adopted him.. he doesn't look like you at all".... "So how much is this costing you?"... "How much did you pay for him?"... "If he gets sick do you still have to pay for his bills or can you send them to his family?"... "oh don't tell him he is adopted when you do get it finished.. it could hurt his feelings"...
this is just a bit.. and do keep in mind that we haven't even started the adoption process yet.. .
"You girls don't LOOK like sisters!"
@raved@xanga - I've been told this...only problem is my sister is my twin sister...tells you how much we don't look alike.
"what makes you better for him than his real mom"
answer: cause im going to love, take care and be there for him like how parents are supposed to be.
stick it.
@JJPrint3rd@xanga - Wow, I can't believe people would say that to you. Even if I knew someone with an adopted child, I wouldn't ask question unless I was considering adopting--and even then, I would have to know them quite well to ask personal questions.
@k_emetib@xanga - yea its pretty crazy. and those are just the things that I remember off hand. I learned very early not to take such things personally.. Especially when it was other adults speaking to my parents.. Adults should know better.
Why do some adoptive parents introduce their kids as their adopted kids? Why do politicians and movie strs where their doptiv parent dttaud on their sleeves as if it makes them some wonderfully mgnanimous person?
Why do strangers tell me where they 'got' their kids from as if that makes them heros? Are they not making their kids GRATEFUL and second-class when they do it themselves?
my sister and brother-in-law are looking at adoption....
people keep asking if they know which one of them is "broken" (can't have kids) and- my favorite- if they know my brother-in-law's sperm count...
wtf, people?
:)
When my family adopted three children from Haiti we got a LOT of questions. They were, (but not limited to):
Are they all real brothers and sisters?
Where did they come from?
Where do they go to school? How old are they?
Can they sing for us?
Aren't they lucky to have you guys as a family?
All of these questions would be asked right in front of them (and my biological sister and I), and frankly, not only was it rude to be asking a family that was trying to bond as a cohesive bunch to point out all their biological differences, but often, so excited was everyone to see all these black kids, that they would ignore the other half of the family. Which, while I didn't mind, my bio sister minded HORRIBLY. Being passed up for more interesting and exotic siblings only leads to breeding jealousy and contempt (again, NOT GOOD for new family.)
@SusieQRellyzBoo@xanga - It is rude because it's implying that the child should be grateful for being adopted. A child should not have to be grateful to their adoptive family, simply for being adopted. It's putting an extra stigma on their attitude, like they're a guest, and now they are indebted to their adoptive parents.
Three of my cousins were adopted from Ethiopia, and they actually are blood related. But I don't think of them as adopted. They have always been a part of my family, and I won't hesitate to adopt in the future. There are plenty of children who need families, and it shouldn't matter if they are children by birth or children by adoption.
hmmmm...wonder why my comment was not posted?
@Shy___Away@xanga - Thanks for clearifying that.
I offended myself. I was adopted as an infant. My birth mother was young and smoked all while pregnant with me, and inevitably I was premature and very frail and sickly. I don't think she could of handled the responsibility of not just a baby, but a very ill one.
Anyhoo, in fights with my mom, I would often retaliate by barking "You're not my real mother, I don't have to listen to you". Holy crip crap. In a list of things I'd sell my soul to take back, that is one of them. I'm grown now. I realize my parents *are* my parents. They raised and loved me when I probably wouldn't of been otherwise. Nobody wants a sick baby that will grow up with learning disorders and health issues left and right. The things I said were inconceivable and unforgivable. What really made me realize how...well....awful I was....was when I read "Legacy of an adopted child"
I'm extremely grateful for being adopted by my mom and dad. I've had more unique experiences and learned more from them than I think anybody could of ever taught me. I'm proud of who I am and where I came from. Even if it was an ink and paper deal.
I'm still tiny, sickly, and fragile. I'll probably never be able to have a healthy pregnancy without either me or the baby suffering in some way, shape, or form. I'll probably have to adopt. I just hope I never hear those words from my childs mouth.
Alright, I'm rambling. But my conclusion is your parents are the ones who raised and loved you.
Well, I'm adopted and recently found my birth family. The things that most annoyed me was they kept calling my mom my "foster mom." To me they lost all right to have a title. My bio sister was never adopted and the first thing she told me was how lucky I was that I was adopted. Other than that I look like my parents even if they didnt make me.
The first two are just stupid and not thoughtful at all.
But the last one, why would that be taken as a hurtful question/comment? I guess it depends on the tone of the person but I would definitely say that - but more like "You're lucky to have each other."
We made a big mistake in choosing a godmother for our daughter, whom we adopted in September 2007. We don't have that much contact with her anymore, because the comments just got to be too much. Yesterday I asked my daughter if she wanted to stop by the retail store that the godmother owns. Within 15 minutes of being there, she had 1) said "look how thick her hair is now, do you remember how thin it used to be?" and 2) a customer came in and she said "This is my Goddaughter, she's a very lucky little girl" which clued me in that she has previously told that customer that her goddaughter was adopted. It's just rude, everything she says. We took classes about not being sensitive to the insensitive comments made by people, but this is an ongoing thing. We would not have chosen her as the godmother had we thought she would act this way. The godmother title is just honorary - we do not go to church, it was just a way to honor this lady for being our friend, but she has turned out to be clueless in how her comments are so rude. Any suggestions? I just told my husband I don't want to go to dinner as she keeps asking us to do, I 'm not going to take my daughter to see her anymore....my husband says tell her "can' t you just move past the fact that our daughter's adopted?"
I think a lot of times people lack common sense and can be so insensitive to adoptive parents and children. I have to commend adoptive parents for the hard work that you do to open your heart and home for these children. Whether if the children or bio/adopt what does it matter if they are yours they are yours and be treated the same.