We all know that it's tough work to be a teenager. There are many of us who felt it was almost impossible for our parents to understand whatever we were going through. I can point out many times in my teenage years where I have felt misunderstood and alone, claiming that my mom "wouldn't listen" or was "ruining my life".
Sometimes talking to your parents about your life or your feelings could mean feeling judged or ridiculed, and who wants that?
But with that being said, there are too many cases where we hear about a depressed teenager who feels so alone, that they attempt suicide. Many bottle things up inside instead of talking to an adult about them, and end up not trusting anyone because of it.
I was watching the news recently, and was appalled by all the headlines about young kids who may have been helped by their parents (or any adult) if they just trusted them enough to talk to. Now, as a parent, I worry "How can I prevent something like this from happening to my children?" and "How can I make sure they know to come to me for anything?"
We parents need to make sure that our children trust us. Not "
Hey Mom and Dad, I am going to the mall, be home at 8" kind of trust. But "
Mom and Dad, I'm having a hard time right now, I feel so alone" kind of trust. We need to be more certain that we are ready and willing to hear them out,
no matter what. We also need to tell them that we love them unconditionally. Even if they do something we don't agree with. Many times teenagers will keep things from parents because they don't know how they will react, and are afraid. Let them know they don't have to be.
And kids, please know that your parents want the very best for you. Even if it seems they don't understand, or don't hear you out, they love you! If you need to talk to them about something, plan it out so that there are no interruptions. Lay all the cards out and let them know how you feel. Tell them how important it is to you that they listen and understand. Ask them about their teenage years and how they were with their parents, it may help you to be more open with them, and they will appreciate it!
Parents, we were teens once, so why do we "forget" that now? Why don't we have the sense to avoid those same struggles we had with our parents?
And kids, weather you believe it or not, your parents are just human. They make mistakes, they are afraid, and they are learning just like you.
Have you ever been afraid to open up to your parents? What more do you think parents can do to help kids be more open with them?
Comments (12)
All the time, actually. And the whole thing is easier said than done: sometimes parents don't want to remember what it's like to be a teenager because it was hard for them or they didn't go through what their child is going through now.
Of course, there are some parents who are less than willing to understand, quickly telling their children that they'll "get over it" as they get older, and then there are some who totally don't care at all.
The kind of relationship that is suggested is hard to find, because it demands a lot from both sides: respect and unconditional love and understanding.
I feel very blessed for the parents I have. I've never been scared or ashamed to tell them anything. There are times when I've felt like they don't get it but never enough to bottle stuff up. I hope I can keep an open line of communication with my children like they did with me. My husband's parents are a totally different story though.
I know way too many examples of really bad parents who their kids will have to "trust" until they're 18. I also know way too many people who are considered "runaways" because there's no other way to mediate the situation. Honestly, I have excellent parents- wouldn't trade them for the world. But right now I think that mental/physical/emotional abuse is a much more pressing issue than whether or not teens can "trust" their parents.
I've had a lot of health issues during my life, and I always hear the "I understand" comment, mostly from my parents. I get really upset when I see children going through some of the things I had to deal with, and I'm only 17. I mean, I imagine it must be difficult to see kids who have health problems, especially when they are your own. My relationship with my parents isn't completely terrible, but we still have a pretty long way to go for it to be considered 'good'. We try to talk, open up, speak our minds, but sometimes it just goes too far and wrong, and we end up saying everything on our minds, and we run into trouble.
It's very hard at times to express how I feel, whether it be emotional or physical, so I don't always get out what I want to say. And my parents don't exactly know what to do all the time either, because they've never encountered things like they do with me. With that, unless I'm able to say everything, I know they never fully understand how I feel. And I don't expect them to. I'm a true believer in the 'You never know how it feels to..., until you experience it firsthand' phrase. I've found it much easier to relate to people who have the same issues as I do. It's kind of like connecting on a different level (yeah, cliche, I know.) My mother and father may be close to the concept, but they don't know everything. Just like I'll never understand every aspect of how they feel.
Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is, I appreciate having someone tell me "I'm here for you," rather than "I understand." I find the supportive sentence more comforting. I'm an emotional kid underneath, and it's hard for me to trust people. I don't always need someone to apprehend my feelings; I need someone to be there for me, someone to lean on.
My mom always said that if I ever needed anything that I should just tell her. Fast forward to my parents' divorce where I practically begged my mom to let me see a counselor and she just told me I should be able to talk to her about it. So, I really don't think parents get it. There are just some things kids don't want to talk to their parents about. Even at 21 I wouldn't dare tell my mom that I'm having trouble adjusting to a new school or that I'm not so sure I should have transferred in the middle of my junior year. We should be able to talk to our parents about things like that, but I think most kids fear being ridiculed by their parents for having those feelings.
I was always afraid of opening up to my mother. Now that I'm older I've tried to open up about some of the things that I went through as a teenager. I've only been met with resistance, and ridicule. Pretty much my mother ignores everything I say, or partially listens and puts her own spin on it, basically putting words in my mouth. I haven't talked to her in months because I wrote a letter to her that I just can't bring myself to send. I'm afraid of sending it and getting the usual response. I can't feel like I can have any kind of relationship with her if she's going to continue to ignore what I went through and how it effects me now.
The only good thing to come of this is that I plan to try and be more open with my daughter, and more open to her opinions. I want my daughter to be able to come to with anything. I don't want my daughter to fear me. I'd love for her to respect me enough to be honest with me. Basically I want a relationship similar to the one I had with my grandmother. Though I still felt I couldn't go to her about questions about sex, and I'd like for my daughter to even come to me over sex questions. Also if my daughter has any problems at all I want to get her the help she needs. My mother neglected some physical and mental health issues that I'm now dealing with in my adult years. I don't want to have that "you're fine" mentality my mother did. If there is a problem I want get her help.
It is easier said than done. Many times parents are so busy and stressed out with work and everything else, that by the time they get home they don't want to listen to their children or any other problems. This is the problem. Parents need to take the time with their children. Always find time to discuss how you feel and how they feel, what is happening in both their lives. I learned that it is better to listen and try to let them talk out their problem and help them to come to a solution. Too many times we want to tell them what to do and yell at them if they don't do something right the way that you want them to, but I find it is better to get them to think about what will happen if I do this or do that. They need to learn to problem solve. Listen more and talk less. Be positive and loving and let them know that you will love them no matter what. Every situation is an opportunity to learn.
I think that's very dependent on the people involved. Granted, I'm not a mother, or anywhere near it. I'm only a first year college student, and as such I'm just now having the kind of trust in my parents that you're talking about. It's taken a lot to get to this point because my mom and brother didn't say the nicest things, and my parents were always gone so I was always alone or with my brother who used to hit me.
I don't know, I guess it's all the stress and struggles I'm facing now that allows me to open up to them and ask for their opinions and advice. But I do understand about communication, and it is important. I make it known to my younger cousins when they come to me for advice (They see me as an adult, but not as one who will blow off their opinions. I guess it's because they see me as more on their side.) that they really should talk to their parents. That they're more understanding than they realize and they really do love them completely.
It can just be difficult in certain situations. I think as long as a kid has someone they can trust in who's mature enough to know what to do (even if that is going to the parents to explain everything against the child's will if need be) is important. I may not have felt I could talk to my parents, but there was always someone I felt I could talk to. Be it my aunts or uncles, grandparents, older cousins, etc. That's why I try to do my part for my younger cousins and kids in my family to know I'm here and they can talk to me.
parents could try trusting their kids more first
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its always hard to open up to your parents. in my opinion. the only thing you can do more as a parent is let them know you care but let them know you won't freak out on them either. its been pretty hard for me to open up to my parents now because they overreact about everything i tell them so i just don't tell them anything anymore unless needed. just try not to overreact and they will trust you more.