Tuesday, 10 February 2009
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When Clever Parenting Techniques Backfire...
When my oldest (now 7) was just passing his toddlerhood, I was learning so much and so quickly about the diplomatic ways to deal with a growing sense of independence. Each child has a need to feel some control over his environment and life, and, as we all know, they are able to have control over very little, and I had a very particularly outgoing and outspoken little man as well, so I leaned heavily on the art of giving him choices that weren't really choices at all."Would you like to take this toy or this toy into the bath with you?"
"Would you like to have oranges or apples with your spaghetti?"
"Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?"
I was very careful to give him choices that he could actually make without me being upset about either one... notice that I did not ask "would you like to have a bath or are you ready to at lunch or do you want to get dressed?"
These things were non-negotiables, and I was feeling very crafty and brilliant as a parent for having steered successfully around the arguments that so many others were having with young willful offspring and for having done so without him feeling any sense of loss whatsoever...
And then... one day I learned in a flash what the dangers are of having a child who thinks himself just as brilliant as his mom thinks of herself.
I had tucked him into bed already and I was settling down to watch a couple of recorded shows before my husband came home from work (he works later hours). We had a house rule in place because of previous encounters with Mr. Hunger who likes to visit children right after their bedtimes and it was: no eating after bedtime. Period. It had become a non-negotiable, and we had initiated a snack time before the bedtime routine to help keep Mr. Hunger away.
But on this particular night, apparently Mr. Hunger was not obedient to our rule, and as Big Brother contemplated how to approach a request he knew would most likely be denied, he consciously decided to use my OWN approach at me and he popped out of his room with this little gem:
"Mom, I'm hungry so should I have a cookie or an apple?"
And as I contemplated for a fleeting second if I should go upstairs and grab him an apple, I realized that I had just been "toddler handled". He had so cleverly not given me the choice of whether or not he should have a snack at all, but had given me two choices, both of which were acceptable to him. He was onto my methods, and was turning them back onto me. My bad for having such a clever child.
And I laughed a hearty belly laugh as I walked him right back to his bed and tucked him in again.
How do you allow your child to make choices? Has a parenting technique ever backfired on you or your parents?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaseahorse
- Name: mamaseahorse
- About Me: Hi, I'm Mama Seahorse! I have three boys - rowdy crazy lovely funny boys, ages 8, 6, and 3. They will go by the names (Big Brother, Middle Man, and Little Man, respectively). I have a hubby (who goes by J) of 11 years. We live and love in the suburbs of Chicago. I think that there is humor in the little things that happen when you least expect them... and I really do know that kids say the darndest things. We try to live healthy but every family hits McD's every now and then, I think. We run our lives around my work schedule (massage therapist), J's part-time work, and the kids activities, which include modeling and acting. I also am a firm believer in making time for my girlfriends. So I like to go out in what I call my Im-not-a-mom heels which is any pair of heels I could not possibly run after a toddler in, and the BBP (Best Butt Pants) which make my butt look amay-z-zing. We moms have to do that otherwise we might forget about our awesomeness, right?
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Comments (15)
OMG that's too funny. My son is too young, but I am sure I will fail a lot.
That is hilarious! Kids say the darndest things... My nephew goes for the distraction method--when we want him to do something that he doesn't want to, he'll try to distract us. The cutest way he's tried is saying "turtle? turtle?" (he likes TMNT)
Haha! That's so great. At least what he picked up is smart and useful in the real world. Far better than children learning that raising one's voice makes it easier to get someone's attention... or that hitting someone can change their behavior... or lying to get what you want actually works... I could go on and on. Parents (and adults in general) so often overlook that their children are L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G from THEM.
That was funny and I liked how you laughed after he said that. Humor is important.
He's a smart cookie
Kids are amazing when it comes to picking up on things like that... So far, my daughter hasn't turned anything like that back on me. Yet 
haha, I have a friend whose 2-yr-old finishes every statement or request with the desired response. "Mama, Einya have a cookie -- Yes?"
It's really hard to resist that.
Also, when my brother was about 3, he started to do something he knew he shouldn't one day. Mom told him not to, but he started doing it again. This time she said "If you do that, I will spank you." He looked really thoughtful for a minute, then said "I'm gonna do it anyway, but don't spank me hard, ok?"
Talk about weighing your costs!
Haha, that's so funny!
Lol! Cutie, I bet he's going to grow up to crazy smart. XD
lol - too funny!
My husband gets annoyed with me for giving him 2 choices all the time. I'm always asking things like, "Would you rather clean up dinner or feed the baby?" He hates it!
Whoo! You got yourself a smart little man right there. My son is only two, so I am not sure if anything is going to backfire, just yet. Haha. Let's keep the fingers crossed.
What a cute situation. At least he's learning good things from you.
Oh man, this is so cute! What a smarty pants! I'll remember to use this method when my son can talk. :)
That is sooo funny!
My son, who will be 2 in April, likes to pick out his own shirts. The trick is to have him pick out a shirt first, then find pants to match (I had to learn this the hard way, haha!) Also, I'm not worried when he's dressed in a weird ensemble - I just tell the ladies at his day care that he chose his own clothes that day, and they think it's adorable
I'm sure I'll have a few struggles along the way, but my big thing is: don't sweat the small stuff. When we're at mommy-and-me swim class and he's more interested in the toys than in singing the songs and splashing to the beat, I let him play. Why worry about the insignificant, right? But the big stuff (a healthy diet, getting fresh air, playing nice) is important to me. I think I'll start implementing the "do you want broccoli or carrots" technique!
Thanks for the heads up...
@NotUeberMommy - first of all, i want to say I LOVE your user name there! :)
Secondly, I understand about the getting dressed thing! LoL my Middle Man went through this really difficult time at about 3 when he wanted to pick out his own clothes ALL the time and finally I realized it was no biggie and let him - as long as it was appropriate for the weather (no shorts in winter, etc). My mother had a coniption like, "Dress him better than that!" and I told her, "Listen, he has his whole life to worry about what to wear, let him be careless about it while he can."
Once we walked the whole neighborhood to pick up Big Brother from school and he wore: black shorts inside out, an orange striped shirt inside out AND backwards (tag flapping at his chin), looong black gloves (old ones of mine), a winter skull cap, and black cowboy boots - no socks. I just smiled... and took pictures. :)