Friday, 06 February 2009
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Religion, Beliefs, Life -"You Make Your Own Choices. Nobody Chooses for You."
Everyday it becomes painfully clear that every single choice I make affects so many other people. Having three sets of eyes gazing at me, scrutinizing, absorbing, is enough pressure to make someone's head explode. It isn't that they deliver the pressure, but to fully understand the enormity of being responsible for raising people means to feel the pressure from within yourself.So instead of being overwhelmed by it, I decided to accept it. Adjust to it. Much like a scuba diver has to make allowances and adjustments to the pressure of being deeply underwater, I had to make similar adjustments and allowances. I had to accept that this deeper level was where I'd be dwelling, living, breathing. I am a thinker, and I have thought this through. I continue to think it through daily, perhaps even hourly.
It wasn't difficult for me to let go of everything I was ever forced to believe and reevaluate to figure out what it is I truly believe and wish to build my life around because I had seen my share of hypocrites that caused me to question most things anyway. Even though I was raised with religion, I knew by what I observed that some things weren't quite right.
Today, I don't call myself a "Christian". I don't call myself anything. I just try to live by what I believe. And what I believe isn't falling under any titles - nor should it.
This is not some kind of confession of rebellion against religion that I am talking about here. I'm not flippant about this in any way at all. I have thought this through to the minute detail even. I know that teaching my kids Bible stories so they can repeat back to me what happened with Noah and Abraham and Moses doesn't mean they know God any better. I know that having them parrot the scriptures to me means very little as well. I know that when Jesus came here to earth, He didn't come to usher in "Christianity" and if there were less Christians, the church might be a better place.
I know that I don't want them to be the same age as me when they finally begin to see what life is really all about. And I know that squeezing them into the standard Sunday School mold isn't going to make them better people.
My goals are to teach them the principles to live by that are evident in the character of Jesus. Love. Forgiveness. Integrity. Compassion. Respect. Honesty. If we all learned to live by these, what might this world look like? I frequently ask them to tell me what is in their heart. Right now I get answers that are usually about whatever happened in their day, or maybe a monologue about a toy or item they reeeeaaaallly want (and therefore is in their heart), but sometimes they get deep with it. They search, even at their young ages, and tell me about things that make them sad, or happy, or angry. And I'm learning to give them space to say it. And I'm learning to help them search and know their own hearts.
BUT if there is only ONE thing my kids ever remember me saying, I am determined that it will be: "You make your own choices. Nobody chooses for you. Only YOU can make a choice for yourself." If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Choice choice choice.
When Big Brother comes home with a note from the teacher that he was talking too much in class and he says, "But Conner was asking me questions!" I say, "Did Conner make you speak though? Who made the choice for you to speak?" and he hangs his head and understands who is responsible for his behavior. Conner is only responsible for Conner's choices. Conner is not my son. So whatever he did is not up for discussion in this house.
It is the one thing that I want them to each carry with them strongly into adulthood. The power of choice. In every little thing.
Some people from my past like to say it sounds like "new age" talk. I don't care what anybody wants to call it, and frankly I am sick of all the ways humans put other humans into boxes and categories. When can we just BE? All I know is, if I can raise people who aren't blaming everybody else for their own choices, then that will be a fantastic accomplishment in and of itself.
Kids, make your choices. Make them, and know that you are making them. And then walk forward and accept what your choices bring you. And if you don't like it, then make another choice to change it. And keep moving forward. Always.
Love, Mom
What important principles are you trying to teach your children? How are religion and beliefs approached in your family? Do you believe what your parents believe?
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About the Author
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- From: mamaseahorse
- Name: mamaseahorse
- About Me: Hi, I'm Mama Seahorse! I have three boys - rowdy crazy lovely funny boys, ages 8, 5, and 2. They will go by the names (Big Brother, Middle Man, and Little Man, respectively). I have a hubby (who goes by J) of 11 years. We live and love in the suburbs of Chicago. I think that there is humor in the little things that happen when you least expect them... and I really do know that kids say the darndest things. We try to live healthy but every family hits McD's every now and then, I think. We run our lives around my work schedule (massage therapist), J's part-time work, and the kids activities, which include modeling and acting. I also am a firm believer in making time for my girlfriends. So I like to go out in what I call my Im-not-a-mom heels which is any pair of heels I could not possibly run after a toddler in, and the BBP (Best Butt Pants) which make my butt look amay-z-zing. We moms have to do that otherwise we might forget about our awesomeness, right?
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Comments (7)
Interesting topic. I don't have any kids right now and probably won't for awhile, but when I do I too don't want to be forcing them into boxes and molds for society's sake. Religion is so deeply personal, but a lot of modern day churches and denominations want religion to be out there in the open for all to see. Waving your hands and singing in church, preaching or "witnessing" to those around us. And when you don't want to do those things you're made to feel like somehow you're letting God down. I'm struggling with whether I consider myself a Christian and I think it's just not that black and white. Even if I did proclaim to be a Christian I would still believe in karma, meditation, tenants of Hinduism and Buddhism, and other "Eastern" notions of religion. I'm beginning to develop what I believe, and it's a process that I'm enjoying. But even if I do come to a conclusion I'm certainly not going to force that upon my children. That was my journey, they will have their own. So will I tell my children the story of Noah? Yes I will. But I'll also be telling them about Shiva and Buddha, and the story of Hannukah and various Native American stories. Deep down I feel that really, they're all connected anyway.
Deciding what it is that you believe is a deeply personal choice, I agree. I don't believe what my parents believe. That torques them to no end, but oh well. Ultimately, what I believe to be the truth is more important to me than their approval.
A lot of churches nowadays are more careful about encouraging teens to have their own faith (not saying that they should be a different religion, but encouraging them to make faith their own instead of trying to ride their parents faith). Whether a parent wants their kids to align with that particular church may be another issue. Let's just not forget that there are hypocrites in every human organization (including Christian, atheistic, buddhist, and other organizations). Don't judge a belief system (or allow kids to judge it) just because of a human condition.
I don't have any kids, but I would teach them the Bible because it has proven to be true. It isnt' always fun and many people claiming to be Christians have messed things up. That doesn't mean that another religion is more correct.
I don't know what kind of church you grew up in, but a lot of churches are changing the way they do sunday school and such. Making it more fun and helping kids find the practical applications instead of memorizing stories.
When I saw the topic title I seriously thought that maybe you were gonna rant about something I wrote in a previous post here. I'm really happy to see someone from momaroo saying "I want them to make their own choices and find their own." instead of "all I can hope for is they can find a good relationship with god and the church."
I try to explain to people all the time that most of their choices are influenced by their parents. I bet that if my mom never made me go to that Saturday church school that maybe I wouldn't be so angry at religion! I believe in giving kids their own choice, and not having their world filled with a bias towards theirs and others views. It isn't fair to force them to listen to readings from the bibles and scriptures and then just believe that a religious epiphany will born inside them!
I believe in everyone having the freedom to think for themselves and to make their own conclusion on what they believe in. I refuse to make my child believe in anything (including in my own atheist beliefs)
Great post! We live something similar here. My husband and I have our own beliefs on life. He is agnostic holding on to a Christian upbringing, I am atheist with a tendency towards Buddhist principals. We give our kids the option to believe whatever they want to believe. As they get older we will be teaching them the religions of the world (we are homeschoolers) , explain our own feelings on the matter then just be available if they need guidance to what works for them, rather then forcing them to conform to a belief because of we or other family, including my Baptist minister father in law, believe it.
Giving children the choice is the best thing we can do to foster their spirit.
@realungabunga@xanga - understand that i wasn't really meaning to rant against Christianity per se. I have my own journey within the religion of Christians, and just because I have rejected the religiosity of it all does not mean I do not learn from the Bible (note that I mentioned teaching them the character traits of Jesus) and share it with my children. The thing is, Christians and churches have removed themselves so far from what Jesus actually meant to show us. It isn't about finding a church who has implemented new and interesting methods. Its about taking the reigns and teaching my children what I hope they can grow up knowing. I don't rely on school to teach them everything they should know about life, so why on earth would i rely on a church to teach them everything they should know about God?
I have traveled the world over. Literally. Have worked with people of many different religions and even have spent quite a bit of time in the most divided city in the world: Jerusalem. With Christians, Jews, and Muslims all laying claim to it as their holy city, the division in the air is nearly tangible. In all my interactions with so many people from so many backgrounds and beliefs, I have come to see that religion kills all. Note that I make a distinction between faith and religion. Everyone, even atheists, have faith. But as for religion: I want no part in it.
My mom is a Christian Protestant. When I was small, I started off as an Agnostic, when I grew up a little more, I became an Atheist, then recently I turned to Christianity (Protestants), but my beliefs are quite different from my mother and even my brother...