My friend, David, once told his mother, "I wish I were stupid, that way I could be happy and you wouldn't set unrealistic expectations for me."
David's mother wants the best for her son, which in this case means he has to be a doctor. In my family, my mom literally said, "I'm not ashamed of you
anymore," when I told her about the unpaid internship I'd be doing to boost my writing portfolio.
I know parents want the best for their kids, but the "best" in my family is usually defined as "I want you to have a really secure, conventional job and marry as soon as you can."
That can be a bit stifling.
I do not have a full-time job, and am nowhere close to married. Does that mean I'm failing them until I find these things? I know that's not the case, but I don't know how to relate to them sometimes.
What would you like your kids to accomplish? What happens when you start disagreeing with the choices they make?
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Comments (21)
Haha, my mom has long since learned that it's best not to tell me I'm disappointing her in any way... Because I won't care anyway. I just do my thing, and she's gotta be happy with it, because it's usually a pretty good thing.
I expect my children to do their best and reach their potential. For my son with Autism, if all he is capable of is washing dishes or sweeping up a store then I will be just as proud of him as if he cured cancer as long as he does his best in life. A career or a job is very rarely indicitive of my idea of success. A well paid job doesn't mean anything to me if my child isn't compassionate and giving. A marriage with 5 kids doesn't mean anything to me if my child is miserable because they are hiding their homosexuality.
I recently had my Dad tell me that I "wasn't a man yet." No explanation was given. This and other events started happening when I came back home from living on my own to save money. I turned down my appointment to the Air Force Academy to be a missionary to Japan. They were pretty disappointed when I told them this. They were looking forward to me going, but even then, they seemed only happy when I mentioned "safe" Air Force career fields- the ones that were less dangerous, desk jobs, etc. They were pretty taken off guard when they learned that I wanted to go into the hard combat careers.
I don't want to live at home forever, I'm trying my best to find ways to afford to live on my own, but that's pretty hard as a college student. Even now, I spend little time at home at least present the sense of living on my own. And this may be the cause of my parent's now disappointed comments.
I still don't know their reasoning. I don't believe their comments either. They're the only ones that don't consider me a man, while all others I encounter do, and some even say I'm more mature compared to others my age. I personally believe they just don't want to see me leave again, or "grow-up" if I haven't yet in their eyes. It still hurts thinking about that line though.
My mom stopped caring when I tanked my grades due to a refusal to do busy work.
"He's smart and he'll do something with himself. I guess he doesn't need straight A's."
parents (asian) parents usually want whats "best" for the kid but sometimes forget whats best is not really what their kids want, its what they want. of course parents want their kids to do well so they could brag, be proud and show off their kids to other people but that pushing can turn into pressure, stress and sometimes even suicide. sometimes when you focus on just one thing, you lose track of whats really important. parents nag cause they care, if they didnt care they wouldnt nag. you dont need to "catch up" to your parents standards, just talk to them and make them understand your doing your best. if they see you trying hard, maybe they'll back off. i can go on and on and on...
be appreciative but you got to live life the way you want. parenting is definitely tough. no parent should tell their kids their ashamed of them, its tramatic it can cause permanent damage.
love and care.
I want my kids to be happy. I want them to do things that make them feel fulfilled in their lives. As long as the choices that they are making aren't self-destructive or hurting other people, my kids can do things that I wouldn't do myself. My kids are not me.
Parents mean for the best, I know mine do. At 16 I'm at a critical point trying to figure out what I want to do, etc.
My parents are relatively supportive in whatever I want to do; however, this isn't how a lot of parents are.
I think some parents should know that it's not all about money and "stability" and marrying rich or stable, etc. It doesn't matter how much money you make or if they person you marry is stable, you won't be happy and lead a fulfilling life unless you do what you love, what you are called to do, meant to do, follow your purpose and pursue your dreams.
"Let what you do be what you love."
I would like my kids to finish high school with decent grades and then move on to completing a college degree. I want them to be the best, but I know better than to set unrealistic goals for them.
It's a shame that your family sees marriage that way.
@lilacros3s@xanga - I like this response. Can I repost it (giving credit to you of course) on my blog? I think my friend should see this. Troubles are in expectation land and maybe this can brighten it up for him a little bit.
I expect my daughter to respect herself. Respecting yourself means that you will make good decision for yourself, not settle for less than your best, and treating others with kindness. I would like to instill in her a giving spirit so she's not greedy and materialistic. As far as a career, she can be whatever she wants, as long as she loves it. - And as long as it's enough to support her so she doesn't move back home!! lol
I just want my son to be happy. He is only two right now, but if he does start to grow up and make decisions that are not the greatest, then I should have done better as a parent and not blame him, but myself. You should teach your kids right and wrong and just hope they listen to you.
I would like to hope my son won't do drugs or start smoking, but my husband did all of those things when he was younger (he only smokes cigs now), which I still love him. I doubt I would have been attracted to him AT ALL when he was younger though. I stayed away from that crowd. I was worse than a goody-two-shoes, lmao.
But yeahhh, as long as he was happy and not depressed, I think I would be pretty happy.
As long as my children are happy and healthy then I'm a proud momma. If my kids aren't on the streets selling/doing drugs then I feel like I've done my job. If my son wants to be a truck driver and if that's what makes him happy, then it makes me happy. If my daughter doesn't go off to college then I'm proud of her for doing her very best. I grew up with my father telling me he's ashamed of me ... We no longer talk.
@Yatsui_Kase@xanga - sure go ahead. i wanted to write more but didnt want to take up the whole space.
I am happy as long as my kids are happy and as long as they do the best they can I am happy with the results. They are their own little people and I will not push my goals on them. They can chose to be what they want in life. I may not agree with what they chose, but it is not my place to discourage them if it is their dream. We are supposed to be loving and supportive parents not live vicariously thru them.
i am kind of used to the idea that i won't impress my parents, and most definitely not my extended family. is that morbid of me? a bit, but what can i do. i only have one life, and i can't spend it wondering if i would be happier doing what i want.
My one goal in life used to be to impress my mom--to make her proud of me--but after years and years, I realized that just wasn't going to happen. Nothing I'll ever do will be "the best".
The things I really hope my kids accomplish in life have more to do with character than social status or whatever. I just want them to be good, kind and compassionate people.
I want both of my children to be able to provide basic support for themselves and to have careers or jobs that they are passionate about. They don't need to be able to afford houses, new cars and designer clothing. As long as they can feed and cloth themselves (second hand is fine) and have shelter, and have lots of rich experiences in their live and nurture close friendships, to love and be loved and to never stop learning, then I'll know I did something right.
@Traci_Ladd@xanga - I agree with you. It used to depress me that I was the complete opposite of what she wanted me to be. I tried to change myself, but after realizing that wasn't going to work ... I just let it go.
I'm a mom now, and although there are values and things I am set on teaching my daughter she is free to choose what she wants. I do not define success with one's status at work or if you are married and how many children you have ... I measure it by the happiness inside your heart. Are you happy?
@MommyDolce - I am happy! I married the man that I believe God handmade for me (that my mom hates) and have two beautiful children (that my mom still insists I never needed) and quit my job (another mistake in my mom's eyes) to stay at home with them. I'm a mama and that's all I've ever wanted out of life!
My relationship with my mom will probably always be my weak spot, however. She knows how to absolutely crush my heart...but I'm learning to be strong!
I thought about this post today and the thought occurred to me that if my daughter ever learns the value of a good, clean room I'll be thrilled with her! Ha ha.
@Traci_Ladd@xanga - lol wow it's like you and i lived the same life ... mom wise. yeah i've given the clean room a rest for now. we clean together but as long as it was clean at some point of the day ... i'll settle for that .. for now.
I want my children to not be afraid of thinking, and to respect nature. Mostly, I'm looking forward to what they discover for themselves on their own.